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It's taken years to fully accept it since it was so normalized for me, but I am a survivor of CSA. Starting as young as 5 or 6 I believe, continuing well into my teen years and early 20s.

I'd been doing pretty good for a while, occasionally intrusive thoughts or images might make appearances, but nothing too serious. I had severe flashbacks over one incident when I was 18 but through therapy that's dissipated and feels a lot less uncomfortable. Now, having started a healthier and loving relationship, I'm having so many memories coming back to me. My partner mentioned something about someone I once knew--I won't disclose what it was--and it sent me into a full body event. I couldn't even open my eyes for ten minutes and by the end of it my body had been so tense it hurt so bad like I was completely locked on. I tried CBT but he had to talk me down from it. Luckily I don't feel any shame with him, he's very compassionate, and I've been very open about almost everything. And (unfortunately) he is experienced with PTSD so he's someone I can trust to help me if God forbid that happens again.

But I just don't understand why. Why now? Why, when things are going so well with this person am I having to deal with this? Am I just really good at disassociating or bottling things up without facing it and now I have no choice?? I wrote a letter to my mother who I am now NC with and that may have something to do with it, but everything feels triggering right now. And the worst part is it creates fear or paranoia and skews my reality with people close to me sometimes too.

Darkhorse, absolutely no child should have to face that kind of treatment from their parent. That is incredibly harmful and I'm so sorry you had to live that way. Not to assume, but she sounds like a very insecure and miserable human being, alongside crazy and cruel. And shame on your father for not sticking up for you.
Like Kizzie said, it's fantastic you recognize it for what it is. A lot of times it takes years to define that kind of behavior as atypical of someone who actually loves you. You were a good kid, you were normal, and you should have felt loved and protected.
I'm glad you're still here with us

Thanks for the welcome and nice comments Dark.art.girl, I'm also sorry you've struggled with this and that you were compared that way.     

So do you think you've managed to move past all the self questioning for the most part?  I doubt we can ever completely not question ourselves but it would be nice not to do it every time someone questions or challenges us.

That's interesting about social cues, I don't know if I miss them, not sure if this is CPTSD but I do find it difficult to listen to people who talk and their words make no real sense!! They seem to be in high management positions in the working world.  I find that very triggering.

You're so so welcome and no worries at all!

I agree that I don't think it'll ever completely go away, but I noticed that putting a lot of effort toward reminding myself that I have good memory, I'm smart, I know what's good for me, etc. really helps in the moment I know sometimes it takes time to analyze someone's words and actions especially if it makes us question ourselves, but at the end of the day we know ourselves better than anyone. Definitely a lesson I'm still trying to learn daily, though lol

Peter Rabbit, thank you so much for sharing your introduction. Welcome!!!

I'm sure a lot of us can relate to that feeling of being out of place, or as you put it, the trouble causer. I was always compared and always the one who didn't do something right. I realize now that it's from the parenting I got or the lack thereof. That totally unlocked a lot a memories for me from my childhood, and you're right: that causes so much damage. Gaslighting is by far the most damaging out of any mental/emotional abuse out there. The effects are insurmountable, especially on a young child. The biggest issue I've faced from that personally, like yourself, is always questioning myself on everything. Even trusting my gut instinct, which is dangerous at times. But it IS possible to keep learning and move past it

I'm sorry to hear about the problems you face with relationships, but I completely understand. You're not alone! Just keep in mind, it doesn't make you any less lovable.

Edit: I also wanted to mention, the whole reason I came across this forum in the first place is because of my inability to read social cues and behaviors at times which I had mistaken for autism. I then discovered CPTSD, and everything made sense. I also then discovered I read people better than I think lol so you're not out of place at all! It all comes back to the way we've been treated and what we learned in our environment. I'm so glad you've joined us and I'd love to hear more about your experiences if/when you'd like to share!!!

Darkhorse, I know I'm a little late to the party here but I'll post anyway

First of all, welcome welcome welcome. This community is full of support and understanding, and I hope you find peace here. I believe you're where you're supposed to be!

Your concerns about trust with others in making new connections is completely valid. I totally understand. I come from a lot of instability in my upbringing, and a lot of betrayal from familial, romantic, and platonic relationships. Honestly, I don't trust anyone unless they give me a good reason to. But at the end of the day, it's what protects us from getting hurt again. And if you have close friends that you trust and who love you, I think that's all that matters.

Personally, I don't look at it as being on the outside even if that's how it feels. I look at it as a blessing sometimes, because there are a lot of unreliable people out there. And from personal experience, people who have struggled with what we struggled with will attract people similar to those who have hurt us already. Now, can we be open to new connections? Of course! But there's absolutely no shame in being careful. Give yourself that grace, because you deserve it! It's not a you problem. All of us do our best to get through life the best we can, and you're doing that. Also, now you have a lot of people here who can relate to you and support you through this. Don't ever be afraid to reach out, we're here for ya!

Much love from the US! Stay warm out there.

Hi Plumeria! Welcome. I'm grateful to see you here, and I hope the holidays treated you well.

Intrusive thoughts and compulsive thoughts are super common. I've struggled with that since I was as young as five, coupled with crippling anxiety. For myself, I believe it comes from the constant instability of childhood and trying to regain control.

I'm sorry you struggle with these things. I noticed that for myself, self-care helps significantly. Taking the time to do things that soothe me, setting up routines, and simple things like sleeping and eating enough or going outside in the fresh air for a bit. Also, grounding techniques help a lot. The 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique is one I use often when I get swept up in thoughts or flashbacks.

  Much love to you and your future journey here. Don't be afraid to reach out! This community is full of love and support.

First off Papa Coco, TOTALLY AGREE about Big Pharma. There's so many other healing things (that may not work for everyone, and medication CAN certainly help people so no shame at ALL) in the world that people should take advantage of without the government stepping in and ruining it. I've known people in treatment who got ketamine doses and they became almost different people. In a good way for them! lol I've also been in therapy my whole life! I can say some therapists have been decent, some have been horrible. I've had maybe two therapists that really changed my life for the better.

I'm so glad that the arts are really healthy for you too! Writing has helped me through a lot of things--like when I got sent to a therapeutic boarding school in high school, I filled up an entire journal. I try to write as much as I can now too, especially when those emotions from the past resurface. Photography is ironically one of my passions as well! I recently got a new camera, so I'm going to try to use it as much as possible and follow what feels right. If I want to make it into a career, maybe I should. Every medium has been beneficial towards healing for me. As I'm sure it is for other people. And I've noticed it's one of the few things that brain fog can't get in the way of, at least not for myself. I think maybe because it's something I or we can really hyperfocus on, and nothing else really matters in that moment besides our emotional expression.

We've all been through so much, at this point, we should all just do what feels right and makes us happy. We deserve that. You deserve that. Art and music has been the most impactful thing in my life, growing up the way I did. I never felt totally alone, and it was always an outlet. Hearing other's pain in their works helped me express mine. You always hear about some celebrities saying they've met people who have said they had saved their lives. And I don't doubt that for a second. I'm sorry that your family humiliated you out of learning music. I'd say it's never too late to learn. I grew up learning piano, but when my family fell apart I stopped taking lessons and had to do the rest myself. If anything, you can always get a keyboard and learn songs on YouTube. I've done that! I learned a bunch of Linkin Park songs LOL Or maybe try learning by ear, because some people are naturally talented that way and you might be too.

Papa Coco, Phil and Blueberry-- I am so incredibly grateful for all of your responses. They are so reassuring. I almost cried seeing that you all responded.

Papa, you're so right when it comes to what you said about being able to recognize the fact that I even HAVE memory loss. Why didn't I think of that?? lol My brain shuts down when it comes to thinking about decluttering too! I thought that was just ADHD but it could be a combination of both. I go through this cycle of thinking there's something wrong with me and then feeling comfort in the fact that I've been through a lot and that's why. But then I see how my memory is just as bad as my mother (who has MS, ADHD, C-PTSD and shes in her early 50s) and I think, "oh no could I get MS too?" which is possible. But it's not life-threatening either. Ugh sorry I'm going on a tangent I think. She relates to me the most to these things sometimes but I still get into my head.

I am totally comfortable telling you all my age; I am 21 years old. I've had brain fog going back to when I was probably 14 I think. And the trauma I have goes back before that, and continued after. So maybe BB is right in saying my head is in fact full. That's a great way to put it. It definitely feels that way sometimes. The emotional attachment/emotional connection to things or memories is definitely a factor I think. I catch myself living in the past a lot. I'm not sure if it's because I have unfinished EMDR sessions, and my brain just keeps making connections or what.

Maybe it's like an online server where there's so much going on it just crashes or lags.

I have started taking B12 and I can't tell if it's helping yet--I admit i've been a little on/off with taking it daily because I get so distracted. Please keep me updated on how it's going for you Phil! That's a good perspective too--maybe being grateful that the most I got from trauma was a bad memory. I know the vitamin gingko biloba apparently helps with memory and preventing Alzheimer's too. My mom recommended it if you ever want to try!

I'm not sure if that's in any way what you meant but either way I think I'll stick to it. I'm also not sure if I responded to everything you all said, but trust me when I say I took it all in and I'm so relieved that I'm not alone in this. Even though I'd never wish it on anyone since it's like torture sometimes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it too.
Have you guys tried trauma therapy and would you say that it's helped? Are there any other natural remedies you've discovered? I'm open to anything. Even meditation.

[But right now what's bothering me the most is my memory. My cognitive dysfunction is so concerning to me.]

It's been about two years since I've been on here and so much has changed for me. This is the only place I feel I can come and people might be able to relate to what I'm going through here...

To make the story short, the past couple of years since I was hospitalized with really severe bacterial pneumonia (I was hours away from becoming septic and no one believed I was really sick), I have been an absolute mess. Hypochondria. I went to EMT school during quarantine, which I believe made things even worse. My boyfriend at the time was really supportive but he had emotionally abused me into being dependent on him so whenever we were apart I had severe panic attacks--he was knowledgeable about medical issues. After him and I broke up, I've been trying to be emotionally independent when it came to this anxiety. For the most part, I can handle myself but other times I get stuck in a really bad loop. It's like a bad trip. Especially if I smoke the devil's lettuce. I also get that way when I am sick with a cold. At one point I even thought I was poisoned with cyanide because I got sick after eating dinner someone else had made for me. I'm scared to take pharmaceuticals I've never taken before and if I have to take them, I stop taking them if I feel weird. I try not to freak myself out with looking up possible side effects.

I'm so terrified of dying. It's so beyond me. I fear it might make me agoraphobic even though I love being outside and going places. Sometimes I am able to convince myself death is apart of life, and I shouldn't be so scared of it. But I am. I'm scared of dying young. I used to want to die but now I'm so scared of it it's hard to sleep at night.

If I feel tightness in my throat, I freak out. If my chest feels funny, I freak out.
But right now what's bothering me the most is my memory. My cognitive dysfunction is so concerning to me. I know the causes are a combination of trauma, ADHD, and I may possibly have POTS. But I struggle to prevent myself from thinking there's something really wrong with me. Stress does make it worse. I noticed this when my dad tried to reach out to me again.

I got off my antidepressants a few months ago, and before anyone says the withdrawal might contribute to this, I had already felt this way before. I might get back on them or I might not. Not sure yet. But I wanted to mention this because I know I'm not going to be completely stable until probably a year from now. I feel less anxious in some ways and other ways not. It might contribute to the brain fog though.

Does anyone else struggle with the same thing?? I'm sorry but I need to know I'm not the only one who's brain fog or memory loss is super freakin scary. It feels like it only gets worse and my brain is just deteriorating or I have Alzheimer's.

Thank you both.. She just made me her legacy contact on Facebook. Which scared me a bit.
If you don't know what a legacy contact is, it's someone you've chosen to look after your Facebook after you've passed away. I've been talking to her a lot recently, and she seems to be doing fine. The progression is mild from what I've seen/heard.
I'm also sorry for all of your losses, and I'm sorry if you know grief the same way I have so far.

Thank you for this. It's extremely hard. I don't know how much time I have left with either of my parents.

Hey so.. my mother has MS. She's has C-PTSD as well, but her MS came from a drug her mother took while pregnant with my mom. She was diagnosed at 27 years old, and the life expectancy can be anywhere from 22-35 years after diagnoses. Since she caught it early, she was still able to walk and function normally with medication. Within the first 15 years after her diagnoses, she took extremely good care of herself by eating well, working out every day, and staying away from alcohol. This was until my parents divorced and she took to drinking again. As she got older, drinking on and off coupled with my father putting her through so much, it started to take a toll on her brain. About four years ago, an MRI showed 12 lesions--or scar tissue--on her brain. I knew that she wasn't the exact same person and that the drinking had made an impact on her brain and personality by that point. Which was devastating in itself. Our relationship had ups and downs but she's always my mom.

Now, in the last couple of months, her disease has become more progressive. She's struggled with alcohol addiction, depression and anxiety which all contribute to the morbidity rate. She's now sober, but I can tell her cognitive function is deteriorating more rapidly. She's getting mood swings and acting a bit more erratically, she's walking into rooms and forgetting where she is or why she was there (which, I mean I do that too sometimes but the 'where' is more concerning). She's turning 51 this year, and I'm praying to God that things don't take a sharp turn downhill.

My fiance looked at me with sad eyes reminding me how long she's supposed to live under her circumstances. Reality kind of sunk in. And talking to my grandfather, he told me that I should spend more time with her. I agree.. But I'm not ready to lose my mom yet, man. I'm remaining hopeful, but I'm scared that even though she took care of herself early, the alcohol might've canceled that out in the long-term. As long as she can still walk, I'm hoping it'll give her more time with me. I'm crying writing this because I love her so much, and she's understood me more than anyone else ever has. She's the only person who knows what kind of person my father is and can support me through the abandonment and suffering he put both of us through. My father is getting old too. I knew I'd lose them early but I'm only twenty years old and I want them to meet their grandchildren and see me get married. It might be selfish but I want them to have those memories too.

I feel so alone knowing I'm going to lose them both so early.. This might sound juvenile but.. She's my mommy. I love my mommy. I miss her.
I'm trying to see if I can surprise her by flying up to see her soon.. I'll keep you all updated.
Thank you for your support.

Entry #3

Yesterday felt like a total blur. The night before I was having a super rough time, and my MIL was going to sleep on the couch in our room because my BIL was sleeping in the living room. I was just sobbing looking at old pictures of little me, pictures of my parents and I when they were still together. Pretty much mourning the loss (from abandonment) of my F. I was releasing a lot of emotions; grief I think.

She came in and said she was sleeping on our couch, which I wasn't aware of at the time. I don't even remember what I said, but I think it was along the lines of "Oh I didn't know" or "Let me talk to (my fiancé)".. Something stupid because I usually hide my tears and didn't want to prolong the conversation or have her ask what's wrong. She left the room.

The next day (yesterday), I had to take my BIL home which was around 2pm or so. She had to leave the house too to re-park her car. I didn't know she didn't have a key, and I had no idea what she was going to do while she had her car. It all happened so fast, and my brain couldn't keep track of it all.

When I got back into the apartment, I was otp with my best friend, and I hear the LOUDEST banging on the door. This was EXTREMELY triggering for me. I thought at first that it was police. I jumped out of my skin. I was trembling. Once I opened the door, she raised her voice at me (also triggering) saying that she had been locked outside the house for "hours" and she was freezing. Asking me why I had locked the door, and I don't know it's a habit. I apologized multiple times but she was MAD. I was still shaking for the next ten minutes. Why she didn't sit in her car and wait? I don't know.

But once my fiancé gets home, I hear bickering coming from the living room and he asks me "what happened tonight". I said she accidentally got locked out. He said, "that was just an unfortunate situation. She said you didn't let her sleep on the couch last night. She also said that you're (pretty much unproductive and can't do basic daily chores) because you didn't take the dishes out of the dishwasher".

Long story short, that morning, I had to do laundry and take dishes out of the dishwasher. I had done two loads of laundry and then before he got home from work later that night I opened the dishwasher to let some of the dishes dry more. I was going to do it.

No, she didn't express to me last night that she was upset about the "unfinished tasks". No, she doesn't understand what C-PTSD does, that I have it, or what ADHD looks like combined with it. I was going to talk to her about all of that stuff a few days back, but she left the house and disappeared for awhile.

In my opinion, and tell me if I'm wrong, I shouldn't be blaming myself or feeling as guilty or threatened as I do. I feel like because I'm not on the same Type-A energy she is, and because I was slow to do two tasks in one day, she thinks I'm not a good housewife or something. My fiancé got pretty pissed at her for her lack of communication, and from what it sounds like, she was calling me names or bashing me when he was in the living room. Super immature, and also super disrespectful. He wasn't putting up with it, thankfully.

I feel comfortable with talking to her, but if she's heightened or starts to raise her voice, I don't know how I will react. It can go one of two ways: either I become super reactive or I shut down completely and starting thinking inward with a sprinkle of self-loathing. I feel super misunderstood again. Sometimes I just feel like giving up on defending myself. I feel like no one will believe me, or will call it an excuse like my F always did.

When it comes to this condition, my fiancé tells me that I have to try everything I can to help before saying never. I just feel so black/white on this issue. I don't know how much I can do for this cognitive limitation stuff. Right now, I feel like a child about to get an EA punishment because I didn't do what I was asked to do. Very triggering, and I think I even had a flashback last night...

Also, my rational brain is bringing up a good point right now. When she first helped us move in, she specifically said that this is our home and not hers. That there should be one woman in charge of running the house, or else there's resentment. So why is she getting upset at me for doing the chores at my own pace??? She's been helping us with stuff around the apartment in return for us letting her stay part-time. But if it were just myself performing all of these tasks--which include every step of completing it--I wouldn't be so scattered and I would remember what needs to be done. Even without having started the dishes, I'm still somewhat capable of remembering that the dishes need to be removed from the dishwasher. Anyway, if she said that I run the duties of this home, then this is my responsibility and none of ir is her problem. She needs to back off.

Lmk your thoughts.

Hi! I'm new, and I just read your original post. I hope I'm not hijacking, but you've just taught me another thing about this condition that I didn't know was common. I've definitely felt this exact same thing. And it makes a lot of sense that since we've had to be surviving so much, our brains couldn't really comprehend a future. I'm not sure if this is how you experience it, but for me it feels like the future is possible but just intangible. Or surreal. Like I can't imagine what another year or another decade could even look like. Or if it even 'exists' so to speak.
It's similar to things in the past that just don't seem real or tangible. Like it never happened, or it's just a dream. Like it has to be right in front of my face for me to grasp it. I don't know if this is exactly what you're talking about (I can't validate any of my own thoughts or feelings lol).

Is this similar to how you feel about it? I haven't read all of the replies but a few seem to feel the same way about both of our experiences. I'm sorry that you and everyone else has had to deal with this, because sometimes it brings a lot of harrowing thoughts and sometimes an existential crisis. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It's scary, but I'm glad that you have the comfort of knowing a name for it and that you're not alone. 

It also sucks that people don't understand that IS a constant battle. Every single day. It can turn into a cycle sometimes. Feeling optimistic, getting some things done, not getting enough done as fast as you want to, getting angry/mad/sad. I appreciate that you replied and could relate, because living in a house with people who don't struggle with this can be really hard, and I can feel super misunderstood.

I want to put my life into this stuff, you know? It just feels like I've never got enough time to do what I want to do, do what I need to do, take care of myself, and maintain a schedule. How do people do it?? I have an order for a tattoo design that I haven't completed yet and it's been a month and a half. This poor guy is being so patient, and I feel so guilty that I haven't finished it yet. It's almost done but.. UGH How am I going to make it in life if I can only do like three tasks in one whole day?