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I've been drawing all day, and I haven't finished anything.
I don't think it's really my perfectionism as much as it is this lingering fog/slowness. I feel like I can't get anything done anymore. It's just gotten worse as I've gotten older, and I'm only 20. My memory and overall cognitive efficiency has just gotten progressively worse. I don't want to wallow because at least now I understand more of why I have these symptoms. However I just realized it doesn't make it any easier on feeling useless. Wondering if I'll ever make it to be the person I want to be, or if I'll be able to pursue the career of my dreams. I know in my introductory post I was super optimistic about pushing myself, but I also mentioned that I have my moments. This is one of my moments.
Even with my meds I can't FUNCTION like I used to. I don't even know what it feels like to have a clear mind anymore. I can't remember simple words or well-known names.
It feels like the time-span between being super productive and then crashing keeps getting shorter and shorter.
It reminds me of how, when I worked in the memory-care unit of a geriatric residential home, one of the nurses pointed to one of the gentlemen playing bingo and told me that he used to play with four bingo boards at a time. I then noticed that he only had one board in front of him, and it took a long time for him to find any numbers if he could even keep track of the numbers being said.
At first I thought it was because of my recreational drug use three years ago, but that is apparently not the case.
I'm angry at myself, and especially angry at my father. He made my brain into oatmeal. Lifelong impairment, apparently? But when I get angry, usually, it just turns into depression. So I guess I'm not really mad now, I'm just sad.
Thanks for listening.

Stargazer,
I wanted to say that my heart goes out to you.
I don't know if it went through, but I sent you a PM. You are so brave for sharing your story with us, and we are always here to listen to whatever you need to say. Thank you so much.

Entry #2
Soooo last night I didn't fall asleep till probably around 4am. Woke up around 8:15. Felt like I was having a heart attack.
Ever since I had a brush with death having pneumonia last year, I'm a constant hypochondriac. It wasn't a panic attack, it was me just having chest soreness probably because of my lack of sleep.
I recently got off of my sleeping medication, which I was super proud of myself for. I hated feeling like I had to take it every night, along with the grogginess that followed every morning. At one point I was getting such deep and horrifyingly realistic night terrors I was scared to take it and fall asleep. But when I initially got off the drug, I was able to sleep the whole night through. But, now I've remembered why I was on those meds for so long. Not only do I wake up multiple times a night (only for a few seconds), but it also takes forever for me to fall asleep.
It didn't help that my MIL had divorce court this morning and disrupted my sleep by frantically trying to get online, only for her to call my FIL and say, "my attorney told me that maybe we should figure it out between ourselves instead of going to court. let's be fair, and let's not screw each other". I'm not upset with her at all, it's not her fault. She's like a second mother to me--but I had a lot of anxiety from this.
One reason being, we are all moving out of state within four months and it would really help for her to get as much money as she can so we can all be comfortable once we make it there. She just wants to be done with it, and make it civil. Me, knowing what divorce looks like from my parents, panicked at the thought that my FIL would totally screw her over. He's admitted he wanted to do so. Divorce isn't pretty, but we have priorities here. We're getting the heck out of California, so we need as much help as we can get. Of course, I'm not saying she should "suck him dry". But because of my own father and his financial manipulation, I get a LOT of anxiety when it comes to money. I'm not materialistic like him, nor do I care about having excessive wealth. I just want to feel comfortable, as does everyone else. So yeah, this morning wasn't fun.

BUT!!! On a good note, I read a bit of a book that my MIL got for me. It's called the The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. In this book, one of the first things that Julia Cameron teaches, is the Morning Pages. It's three pages of just absolutely anything that's on your mind once you wake up in the morning. That way, all of that stuff is out of the way. This allows the creative brain to keep flowing. I tried it this morning, and I thought it was somewhat helpful. This is helpful too.
I took my meds, and I think I'm ready for the day. Despite the fact that I want to avoid taking a shower when I really should. 

@marta, I never mind when someone shares part of their story to relate to mine. I believe it helps me more, actually.
I only consider it hijacking when they go off about all of their own problems and disregard anything I've said; which you've never done. Thank you for reading, and thank you for your kind thoughts.
Seeing what everyone else replies with, or what other people have talked about or said on here makes a world of difference to me. Truly, it seems like every single thing I read resonates with me.

I love this. Inspiring.

This is extremely tone-deaf. First of all, I hate how she calls it "rifts". These "rifts" aren't always because of superficial reasons.
Reconciliation does NOT apply to every situation, and I think it's incredibly irresponsible for her to take matters into her own hands with a father and son. Especially when it comes to a scenario where the son could've wanted to have his father in his life, but the father was a narcissist who refuses to look inward and continues abusive behavior. She could have restarted the entire cycle all over again. It makes me truly angry that she even THOUGHT about writing this article, and the fact that NYT even approved it. She clearly expressed that she is not a licensed therapist. UGH

OOO! I wanted to add too, that I have this issue that originated with my dad being so hardcore and my mother being at peace with her daily struggles. I never understood it till now.
My father would always say that there's no excuses for not being productive, or that "I always have an excuse for not getting things done". But on the other hand, my mother would always be very accepting of my limitations and daily obstacles. This lead to the constant conflict of judging myself for "enabling" my lack of productivity/motivation, or trying to accept that there's something more going on mentally that's holding me back.
So, now knowing my mother also has C-PTSD, I understand now why she was so accepting of how I reacted to stress, or had a lack of motivation or productivity. Because she has the same thing. Not to mention, my entire childhood up until a year ago I was very susceptible to illness. I got sick almost 5-6 times a year. My mother always said it was stress, and I sort-of believed her. My father never believed I was sick until he saw me sick, and then he felt bad and took care of me. The truth is, I was sick all the time because of stress, anxiety and anything else I was internalizing. Most of it came back to him, too. Ironically enough lol

But then I started really believing my mom when I went to treatment again and learned how the body keeps the score, and not to mention an article I found about the detriment of abuse/neglect/trauma/stress and what it does to your body. One of the things that stuck out to me the most, was the lower immune response. Here I was for years thinking I had an autoimmune disease, or my genes were messed up, thinking it might've been because I wasn't breastfed, etc.
No, it was just stress. Unbelievable. And the slight curve in my back? That was from hypervigilance and growing up with my back muscles so tense that it created scoliosis. Wow, I've learned a lot. LOL

Again, a little late to this party.
But I wanted to say that this really resonated with me as well. The struggle of maintaining your own pace of self-care or maintaining the pace of productivity is one of the hardest things that this stupid disorder has to offer on the daily. I'm super proud of you for having the initiative to not judge your feelings and have them flow freely, but also being open with those around you and setting boundaries for your own mental health.
That's super important, and it's something I need to work on myself. So you're ahead of the game on this one.
You should be proud of yourself. Much love, xoxo

I used this alias, even though it's not much of an alias.
I told some of you guys in my introductory post that I'd start a journal and here it is. Just my daily thoughts/struggles.

The past few days have been a little difficult. Yesterday I slept until 3pm, and then proceeded to sleep again till 7pm.
I really hated the fact that I was so comfortable sleeping that long, and I also hated that I got nothing done.
There's a lot of anxiety I feel around not being productive, because my father (the narcissist) was totally type-A and hated when I slept till 12pm. He always called me lazy. I have a tattoo design that I'm so close to finishing, and I feel so guilty about it not being done yet because the guy who ordered it had ordered it a month ago and it was supposed to be done within two weeks. I was in the middle of a move, but my inner voice wants to say there aren't any excuses.

My fiancé tells me that if I want to be an artist, I have to draw every day. It has to be my life. And I want that more than anything in the world. All I want to do is draw all day. But I also know that I'm limited to a certain amount of tasks a day because of how foggy and slow I am--even with my adderall--and with my MIL (another type-A person, without the narcissism) doing so much around the house and having me do a bunch of things around the house too, I feel like it's impossible to manage my time. Without understanding all of my symptoms and where they came from, I was really depressed before about not being as productive as I can be. But I need to be easy on myself, because it's not my fault that my father morphed my brain into mush.
Luckily, my meds and caffeine help a lot with the productivity, but by a certain time in the day there's not much I can do. I crap out. I'm all out of fuel and there's literally nothing I can do anymore. I'm socially, physically, and mentally drained.

My whole life I've fought these wallowing thoughts of wishing I was "normal". Wishing I didn't have ADHD/ADD, wishing I didn't have this stupid auditory processing disorder, stress disorder, depression, C-PTSD whatever. I have days where I really let it get to me. I guess I put a lot of pressure on myself, but I'm trying really hard to be optimistic.

There's also the fact that I have to keep reminding myself that I'm actually proud of where I am in life, compared to how it could've been. I could've been gone so many years ago, and I kept fighting and surviving. It's exhausting surviving everyday, but I'll continue to do so if it's the only thing I can do. I can't give up.

Hugs to all of you, and thanks for reading. 

Oh my GOSH!!!
The amount of love and support I'm getting from you all is so amazing. Thank you so much to all of you!!
As an artist, I started a new series of designs to describe what C-PTSD feels like to me. I think I'm going to share it in the art section. They won't be graphic or anything that could result in a TW, they'll just be symbolic and things like that. I feel like maybe you guys could relate with the imagery. I might write some things in the journal section too. I've been reading a lot and I think it might be better than just re-writing another life-story. Hugs are always welcome, and so are PMs.
xoxo

Thank you for the welcome.
Yes, I've noticed the prison-like feeling as well. But it sounds like (correct me if I'm wrong) you wanted to seek the truth, whether you were aware of it or not. Reprocessing is super helpful, and I think it might've been your brain's way of healing or trying to heal. The thoughts between our own and the intrusive self-critic is like a total all-out warzone. We picked up what we learned as children, and that voice of punishment came from the actions of our fundamental caregivers. That's what sucks to think about. We judge ourselves the exact way that they judged us.

But, the good thing is, the more you tell yourself those thoughts mean nothing and the more you replace those thoughts with ones that validate your feelings, the easier it becomes. It's hard work and it's work that sometimes we just want to give up on, but be easy on yourself. No one else could possibly imagine what it's like to heal these wounds, so give yourself the time and space to do so however you feel you need to.   

Thank you so much for this reply, it's very warm and welcoming for me.
I will give writing out my memories a try. I've done EMDR, but with so many traumatic events it can only help so much. And yes, I do want them to seem more real because every time I remember a time or place it just seems like it never happened. It's really weird, but I'm glad you can relate to that too. I thought no one else could ever understand that.
It's super nice to meet you too, and I hope you stay safe.

Welcome, ShadyForest!!!!
I'm a new member as well. Like yourself, my abuse started at an early age as well and so I understand how all of the repressed memories coming up would be super overwhelming. This is the perfect place to find people who can relate/validate what you're going through. On this forum, like in group therapy, we're not supposed to give "advice" but since you asked, I don't see a problem with giving some helpful suggestions

I've shared with some people previously that sharing in-depth trauma with people who don't understand can be extremely difficult. It feels unpredictable the way they will react, even when you trust the person. Your mind will tell you all sorts of things to prevent you from feeling comfortable opening up, but one thing I've learned about PTSD in general is the more you talk about it, the better it gets. Reprocessing is super important when it comes to traumatic events.

I'm not sure what kind of coping skills you might need help working on because I don't know what you struggle with specifically, but you are totally welcome to PM me, or reach out to me if you feel I could help with some of the coping skills I've learned through my own recovery. Plus I'll give you some links to some articles

https://www.aprillyonspsychotherapyboulder.com/blog/c-ptsd-therapy
https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/ptsd/related/cptsd/

This forum has helped me learn sooooo much about the symptoms I've been having, so I truly hope you can find the same comfort and validation here as well. 

I might be a little late to this party too, but I wanted to say that I related so much to multiple aspects of this post.
Emotional abuse is absolutely horrible. It's so sad that we have to dig things up to remind ourselves of what it was really like. I do the exact same thing. Like at one point the reality of it all just sprouted rainbows and unicorns?

And one of the weirdest parts of CPTSD that I've been trying to figure out, and I'm SO glad you mentioned this, is the somatic response from triggers!! I mean it's like, half the time we don't even know what's going on and our body is just reacting. Thank you so much for sharing this, because you're not alone in these feelings or experiences.

[normal.]

I know I'm a little late to the party, but I wanted to be another person who could support you.
I completely understand this, especially the inner child aspect of it. A lot of times when we're faced with situations similar to the neglect or abandonment we knew as children, our inner child comes out to try to protect us from it happening again. I hope what I'm about to say brings you some peace, because it certainly brought me some peace over the years. My brain came up with it's own countering logic toward it's own intrusive/subconscious thoughts and feelings. So I'll share

(Btw, I'm just speaking from what I've discovered so I hope I'm not overstepping)

I remember always feelings extremely disappointed when people wouldn't check in or talk to me after awhile. The all give and no take scenario. I think because of our traumas, the amount of pain it causes us is absolutely normal. The part that made it worse was that one of my coping mechanisms was to totally wallow in all of the loss and disappointment of feeling like I'd lost a friend.

But my mother taught me something from a super young age. She's has MS and when I was really young she had to be in bed a lot, and people would get upset when she couldn't make it to events or planned hangouts.

She taught me that people don't realize what they're doing, because they just don't understand. Whether they don't hit you back, or they judge you. Almost always, it's because they don't understand, don't know how to react, or can't even begin to comprehend what we have gone through. I've been dealing with this since I was a little girl. Feeling totally out of line because I saw things differently than other kids. But it was because they weren't seeing what we saw. They weren't suffering like we suffered. They didn't see life like we did. And so they just went on, growing up and living their life. For myself, I react in sadness and self-loathing, but then I turn to anger and frustration.

The truth is, they don't always know what they're doing. They don't always understand the importance of maintaining contact with someone who cares. They were never taught to not to take things for granted. Whereas, had to hold onto everything that we had, because we didn't know how long it was going to stick around.
It's either that, or they're going through the same thing we're going through. People process trauma so differently, so maybe their way of coping is isolation. Maybe they're so stuck in how they're feeling and the burdens of every day life that they fail to reach out to the people they truly care about. Maybe they're so emotionally exhausted from their own situation that they have nothing left to give anyone else.

It's hard to convince your survivor/inner child instincts that not everyone is a threat, or that not everyone has an ulterior motive. I've been there. It's sooooo difficult. It still is. Those instincts even still kick in with my fiancé. So, I hope that those little ideas might help you counter the battle you've got going on in your brain. I've been in that battle too, my friend. Trust feels impossible. But you can win, and you can have friends and keep them. Look at all these people! They'd want nothing more than to be your friend, and that includes me.

Stay safe, much love.