Messages

Thanks, Jazzy!! I'm really glad to hear that you are doing so much better after 5 years! I am happy for you, and it's encouraging to hear. I agree, I think that I will continue to see good progress as it builds on itself.

And I will see a lot more progress before I'm 120 

Good job, Jazzy! Thanks for sharing! Looks like you did a great job cooking up a good looking meal.

Food and cooking and the kitchen have been big hurdles for me as well, and I am gradually getting better. I am learning that I actually like cooking! And it looks like you do too 

Thanks Kizzie and Blueberry!  It is good to let out that the progress is there, and to remind myself and be encouraged by it when days are rough.

I was able to get a really good therapist several weeks ago who seems to have a lot of experience with trauma. I am feeling so thankful. We have been meeting most weeks, and gradually I have opened up more to her. I seem to be trusting her more and more. Yay 

She told me during our last session that since the time we started meeting she has seen a really big improvement. And I believe her. I know that have started genuinely smiling some during sessions, I don't laugh quite as often when I get nervous, I think I am actually hearing her questions a bit better instead of avoiding them  And I even called her up during a big trigger one day and she helped me process it.

I have a journey of recovery ahead of me - I am feeling encouraged by the progress so far.

For some reason, I was tickled by this exchange at my last therapy session:
Therapist: For every year of trauma it takes 4 years of recovery.
Me (with a pondering look, and picturing myself reaching age 120 before I've healed): Am I even going to live that long?! 
Therapist: That's what I'm saying, it's a lifelong process. And you're in that process.

And then she proceeded to tell me that she has seen a big difference.

Yes, I can really relate to feeling more trust around people who are brutally honest and just real. I tend to be drawn to such people. It is a refreshing contrast to the deception and confusion I knew growing up.

I had a therapist session today with my fairly new therapist who I seem to trust fairly well and I am learning to trust. And she challenged me to think though what things I look for in people that would cause me to trust them. And also to think through what characteristics cause me to not trust people. And she wanted me to write those things down. I honestly have not stopped to think about what those things are just yet. But I do think that honest, straightforward responses are one characteristic that cause me to trust people.

I think it is neat that I tried to pull everyone together.

Beautiful, precious, and smart.

Aw, thank you notalone! 

I'm really proud of you then 1. For having the strength and self-compassion to go no contact with those who are harmful to you and those around you and 2. For being able to remember and give yourself credit for the love and joy you worked hard to provide them as a kid yourself. I'm just starting to figure out how to put up boundaries without hating and blaming myself and I have a lot to learn from you and others here.

Thanks, Armadillo! That means a lot. It has been a tough journey of figuring out that I needed those boundaries and my husband gets a lot of credit for helping me. And as I am just crossing the one year mark of going no contact with my family, I am beginning to show myself more love and self- compassion for those choices. It experienced a lot of self hatred and guilt over the past year, and more intensely than I ever have. But it was worth moving through all that pain. And I am still healing. Give yourself lots of patience as you figure it all out. It has been a long and painful process for me.

Thank you Armadillo and Panda! It was a good moment for me recently when I was able to understand what I had been doing as a kid and appreciate it.

I am not able to be in touch with my siblings right now. They are too blinded by the manipulation of my NPs and when we went no contact with my NPs it was soon clear to us that we needed to go NC with my siblings as well. I am learning to be more at peace with that. And the freedom and safety we are learning to function in is really good.

It occured to me recently that at times I tried to create a form of health and safety in my family as a kid. I am the oldest kid. And I would sometimes get my younger siblings together and organize and practice a made up skit or play for my parents. I would put a ton of effort into, making a homemade set, maybe cleaning the floor of the garage ahead of time so we could use that space, coming up with an entertaining play and getting us all dressed up and practiced. It would all be done in an afternoon or day, to keep our interest and adrenaline going. And then when everything was ready, we'd call in my NPS and entertain them. And that created a fun form of attention and affection for us all in those brief moments.

Eventually in my teen years I didn't feel safe to do those plays anymore. I don't think I got the same response perhaps. It didn't give me that rush of adrenaline and affection I was looking for.

Years later, I would get somewhat teased (put down in a way I think) for those times where I organized the plays, but I could still tell that there was still a sort of appreciation in them.

I think it is neat that I tried to pull everyone together.

That's really amazing Panda! Good for you! 
Thanks for sharing your victory!

I really appreciate this post, everyone's thoughts about what love is and the honesty that it's a difficult thing to grasp.

I think culture and media often misconstrue what love is and makes us think that love is something we must earn or a feeling that we have to attain. Like saying, if we only look good enough, perform well, buy certain things...that we will deserve to be loved. Or it is that "feeling" we had when we had a crush on someone when we were young, and that we have to keep feeling those feelings if we are to "stay in love". Those things are just exhausting and unattainable really.

I believe that love is more of an action. Jazzy mentioned some of these points already:
Love is choosing to be kind and patient, like trying our best to do self care even when we don't feel like we deserve it.
Love is choosing not to compare ourselves to the best in others and put ourselves down because we don't have it "that together". It's also not putting others down to make ourselves look better (many of us have experienced that type of twisted thinking from abusers).
Love is trying to remember that we can't control everything, so there isn't a good reason to hold on to bitterness. Love offers forgiveness.
Love looks for truth, it seeks to see past the deception and lies and reminds us that we are beautiful and valuable.
And again, love is patient when we don't do all those things well - it's the quiet resolve to try again.

Thanks for sharing everyone 

Hey san, you can come here with nothing, to get support. You don't have to give while you're here 

I echo that 

Hi San! I just got around to reading this post. I am sorry for all the stress. I know from personal experience that house problems, and not to mention my experience with manipulative landlords, is incredibly stressful! I wanted to mention that I think it's beautiful that you have found a place that feels like home, even with all its problems and quirks. It is a picture of having compassion on ourselves - seeing through all the leaks, cracks, damage, uncared for property and seeing the beauty and value in it. That's what we are, just like your house. We are traumatized and broken, but so incredibly beautiful and full of exciting potential. I like the picture that you put in my mind of restoring something broken yet so invaluable.

How are you doing lately?

Hey, Bella!  It is good to see you! Thanks for your note about your experiences. I'm glad you were helped by medication! That's amazing that you felt all that weight off your legs. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with a med before that, though.

I was very scared to start medication. More than anything just scared to go talk to someone about why I needed it. But once I was desperate enough and had done some research about antidepressants and had also found a provider I felt comfortable with and had my supportive husband go with me (I couldn't have by myself) I was excited to see if it helped. And it sure did! I think it's normally supposed to take a week or longer to be able to tell a difference, but I could tell a chemical difference in me in about 15 minutes! My body was just ready for it, I guess. And while getting it into my system and getting the right dosage all took time, it has been an amazing help.

Thanks for sharing, Kizzie  I'm glad it's been really helpful for you, too! It does make a really big difference to have some of that anxiety and depression lifted. And as you mentioned and Blueberry mentioned one time, meds don't take the place of recovery and healing because you still have to walk through the healing process and do the hard work and it takes time. Yet the meds help me tremendously and make it easier to do that recovery work.