Messages

Don't be ashamed! You're traumatized, alcoholism is hereditary, it's not your fault. Go to AA, they help tremendously.

I self-medicated with alcohol for over 40 years. Now I take prescribed medication, vitamins and minerals, stay away from gluten and dairy (both of which can cause extreme fogginess/anxiety/physical pain). I recently started smoking marijuana, so I do still self-medicate, but only because my disorder became unbearable and I knew alcohol would kill me.

You can do this!

Best of luck to you.

Hi, wow, self-medicating saved my life -- until it quit working. Alcohol was my best friend, I knew I was alcoholic and didn't really care, not realizing the danger I was on the roads, not realizing people who love me were very concerned.

I drank on and off for 40 years. I drank sometimes a bit less, often times more than a 5th of vodka or brandy a night, always saving some for my 4 a.m. terror/high anxiety rude wake-ups. I was alcoholic from my first drink at 13 years old. I blacked out, threw up and reached for the glass as soon as I came out of the bathroom.

I am extremely lucky to have my health, to have not killed anyone, wound up in prison or an institution or dead.

Alcohol is the only drug that can kill one during withdrawal. Alcoholics rarely survive more than one experience with DTs. Go to an ER to quit, most hospitals have behavioral health units for detoxing safely if you can't afford rehab (I couldn't).

Then I found I have a severe blood disorder that causes vicious anxiety, fear, constant thoughts of death -- mine, too, but mostly of those I love. I have since starting smoking marijuana. If I don't get a little respite from 24-hour sickness (and I get physically ill, too), I can't eat, I can't rest. I can't meditate. I pace and I weep. So anxious I can't concentrate on reading, working.

I'm now on medication that is helping, and also vitamins and minerals compounded specifically to my body, my disorder (Pyrroles Disorder). It's expensive, and scary to know that soon I will not be able to afford to fill these prescriptions. But I can't worry about that now, I have to breathe, stay in the moment -- much easier to say than do when I'm "insane". The marijuana -- I'm not advising or recommending ANY drugs to ANYONE -- I am speaking for myself only -- kicks in and I can physically feel the anxiety lift.

All three of these medicines, the anti-anxiety, the compounds and the marijuana, are saving my life. The anxiety is easing, it's lighter every day, and now, instead of smoking pot all day, I can wait until evening, when the anxiety over possibly having anxiety (nothing to fear but fear itself) starts in.

I sleep easily -- until around 3 a.m., when I always wake. Doing a sleep study. Seeing a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who understands marijuana is a medicine -- though I can't get a medical marijuana card because Iive in the most conservative state in the country -- she is amazing. Just started (one time) seeing a counselor trained in EMDR. I've been through talk therapy, CBT, nothing worked.

I've had this anxiety since I was 10 years old. I'm turning 66 in four days.

The new counselor, I don't know about her yet. I told her I don't believe in a god, I never will believe in a god. I said, "I'm a Pagan Buddhist. No god in Buddhism, and the seasons of the forests..." she said, as if she hadn't listened to a thing I said, "You can find god in nature." I HAVE NO INTEREST IN FINDING GOD. THERE IS NO GOD as far as I'm concerned. I'm not putting it down, I begged god, I prayed to god when I was 10, just a little girl, and got no response, no ease from anxiety and vomiting. And I stopped believing. I was so frightened.

Now, WHATEVER WORKS, if it won't kill me, is what I do.

I have been sober nearly 13 years, going to AA 90/90 in the beginning. Now I can't take the religion of it any longer. I go occasionally. Don't pick up! Go to as many meetings as possible. Congratulations on one month, you can do this! If I quit drinking, ANYBODY can!

When you feel like drinking, don't think how good it'll taste/feel. Follow it through. Will you stop after your celebratory drink? Will you wind up in jail? Will you wind up drunk at work or with your children? How will you feel when you wake and realize, "I did it again."

Bright Blessings of healing to all.

So many dysfunctional families are completely wrapped up in secrets and lies, putting on a whopping "We're okay" lie to the rest of the world, and so many children are caught up in the middle, threatened or not believed when speaking the truth. Many siblings continue the lies and abuse. I'm so happy you got away from them and into a caring home.

I, too, picked abusive boyfriends over and over, because abuse was my norm. But I got lucky somehow, as did you, and found someone good. I'm very close to all my family other than my father and an uncle (both passed). I'm so grateful. Still very messed up, however, and it all came crashing out of me this past year, I was very mentally ill. I'm better now, and this site is helping me continue to grow out of that shame and guilt and into the light.

You're going to be okay and so am I.

I can't imagine what that did to you. I'm so sorry.

Hi, Sunny,

I love that you have renamed yourself after one of the most beautiful and hopeful flowers, always turning toward the warmth and brilliance of the sun. When I was little, on rainy days my uncle would pack me into the car with my aunt and grandmother and he'd "drive until he found the sun." And he always did. Then we'd turn around and go home.   He gave me so much joy that my father was incapable of. My user name is Stella, after that grandmother, and James, after my uncle.

I never thought about my father as a narcissist before, but I believe, after reading your post, that he was narcissistic. And an alcoholic. There's no other explanations for his egotistic behavior. Thank you for that, it explains a good deal of his nastiness. I've a lot to say about him, but another post, another time.

I'm happy you're here, too. Bright blessings.

I'm sorry you are lonely. From your post, you seem to be a person who deserves lots of friends. But first we have to work on healing ourselves, I think. I've been very lucky and have some true friends who stick with me and check up on me. You'll find those people here, I believe, and you'll find them outside, too. Just hang in there

Thanks so much Kizzie. I'm really happy a friend shared OTTS with me.

Dear whoam-i,

You are a man who feels lost, but so self-aware I believe you will find yourself soon. You're thinking of splitting with your wife, you're blaming yourself for the anxiety of your children, it's no wonder you are feeling lost.

You reached out here, folks are reaching back. You are not alone, you are not lost. Be kind to yourself. Stay in the present. They say if one is sad, they're thinking of the past. If one is anxious, they're thinking about the future. You are welcome here, right here, right now.

You are not alone.

Hi,
I never heard the term EF, and realize now I'm not all about anxiety, I have EFs that cause anxiety. The same terror I felt as a child, the same sickness in my guts -- mostly the exact feeling of hopelessness -- there is no hope of avoiding the pain of loss in our lives, it's a part of life, we are born to die -- sometimes hits me without warning, blindsided, as if a stranger walked up and smacked me in the the face out of the blue -- and I feel hopeless, this will never stop. And it may never stop, I've had it for 51 years, why would it stop now? I should be used to it, but it takes me right back to 10 years old, alone in the dark, thinking thoughts of death instead of kittens.

When I married, I told my husband that I am just too messed up to have kids, I would never want to pass on my neurosis to anyone, especially an innocent child. I said I would have children if he wanted them, and I would love them to pieces, but I would not raise them, my husband would have to do that. We decided to pass on children.

I just found someone who provides EMDR therapy and I have high hopes for that, along with medication and treatment program of vitamins, minerals, meditation, therapy, and an amazing support system, the EFs may ease. May come less and less. And when they do come, perhaps the feeling of hopelessness won't tag along.

It will get better, for us all, if we work hard, and support each other through this amazing community.

Bright Blessings

Very happy you feel you are healing! It gives me hope. We all go through such difficulties when we're so little.

Thank you all, for making me feel welcome here. Thank you, too, for understanding how horrible it can be. I wish you all well. <3

Hi, Citrus, I want to say that hello, and I feel notalone said it beautifully. Nothing you've been or are going through can be described as trivial. And we can't always help each other. When you're stronger, that will come, or you'll see something that resonates within you and no matter how badly you're feeling you'll have something helpful to say and you'll say it.

I believe (as a new, new, newbee) that we all have an inner strength buried among the CPTSD or we wouldn't be here today.

Here's hoping the inner strength starts to overcome the CPTSD. I believe it will, or I wouldn't be trying this myself.

Best,
Sandy

[EVERYBODY I KNEW OR LOVED WAS GOING TO LEAVE ME OR DIE]

Hello, I'm happy this site is here.

I suffer from acute anxiety. I get anxiety over the thought of getting anxiety (nothing to fear but fear, itself).

Everything happened when I was 10 yrs. old (I'm about to turn 66, so I've had this for 51 years).

1. My father left home, leaving my mom with four kids, 13 and under. He found a college girl who "needs me more," he told my mother. He lied to me, said he had to go away on business for "a few days." He never came back. My mother wigged out, started walking the neighborhood at night weeping -- she did this for nine months. I would wake, terrified of dying of everybody I loved dying, and my mother was gone. My father was gone. My older brother snuck out right after my mom went out to walk. I BEGGED GOD to help. He didn't. I learned quickly there is no god, and that made me terrified, thinking of rotting in a coffin forever.
   My grandmother and uncle lived next door to us. The first night I knocked on their door, looking for my mother. They answered and said, "Leave your poor mother alone."
   I asked my father when he was going to come home again, and he said, "You have a cat, I'm allergic to cats." I told him we'd find a home for the cat. He said, "No. You love your cat more than you love me." I felt responsible for him not coming home. I felt responsible for my mother's pain, her disappearing. EVERYBODY I KNEW OR LOVED WAS GOING TO LEAVE ME OR DIE. And one cannot argue that.
2. My dog died
3. My grades died. After skipping 2nd grade, I was held back in 5th, my classmates, friends, started calling me 'Flunky'.
4. My cat disappeared (my father brought us a kitten, the one I "loved more than" him).
5. I was bitten by a stray cat. While out searching for him/her (to avoid rabies shots), I was hit by a car. My sister, home with mumps, caused the hospital to put me in isolation in fear of contaminating the entire children's hospital. (My left collarbone was broken, my neck was swollen. I had already had mumps). I felt lost in the dark room every night, sick and scared. I was there for 10 days.
6. I asked my mother if she believes in god. She said, "I like to think there's a god..." It flipped me out so badly I immediately threw up in terror.

Words like, always, forever, eternity, dead, death and more would trigger me. Trying to imagine what's on the other side of the universe.  More terror, vomiting, diarrhea. On and on.

There were times in my life when I didn't have anxiety at all, but that's because I found alcohol at 13 years old. I drank a full glass of mixed boozes (a couple of altar boys stole two cases of booze for a wedding reception from a church basement). I drank it, FELT NO FEAR for the first time in three years. I blacked out, came to and got sick -- and grabbed the glass again. I was an alcoholic from my first sip. At 16 (a baby hippie) I started to trade marijuana w/adult hippies for vodka. Then came other drugs, but alcohol was my drug of choice. While now I know it will kill me, back then it saved my life.

I drank on and off for 40 years, nearly a quart a day, starting when I woke. Then it quit working and caused anxiety.

Two years ago, my mother died. This year, near her death anniversary, I started to get anxiety again, but very much more extreme, to the point of checking myself into a hospital. My worst childhood fear had come true, I lost my mother.

Now, I'm not too afraid of my own death, and I've felt suicidal on and off (though I won't do that to my husband, my nieces).  And that's how it affects me to this day, although the vomiting stopped about a year ago.  I've been sober going on 13 years. I take Lorazepam sparingly because I don't need another addiction. I'm taking medication and also vitamins and minerals. Lately, I wake every morning around three a.m., sick with anxiety, my guts churning. I still work because my psychiatric nurse practitioner (PNP?) told me keeping busy helps ease anxiety. She is right, but I'm completely exhausted, frightened and depressed.

And while my mother was my hero, I don't want to be her, especially how she was at 90, because I'm only 65! But I feel I am turning into her. I can't eat much, I can see my ribs (I've always been fat). My skin is hanging off my arms, thighs. I feel like I'm dying.

And so it goes.

Bright blessings. Thanks for listening.

.