Messages

Hi Blueberry,
I think your link is fine. I'm more inclined to think it is me.  The same thing is happening on another page I am trying to register with I am really bad at the tech stuff when it doesn't go smoothly - heart rate goes up immediately and brain fog takes over and I can't work it out.  I might try via an email to them directly as you suggested - good idea thank you.  I tend to forget these people are more accessible- unlike trying to contact a Telco or insurance companies.

Thanks Blueberry
For some reason the registration link won't allow me to register      Keeps giving me a forbidden code.
I noticed Ashok Gupta and Ariel Swartz are two notes speakers - similar topics they just presented in the Rewiring the Brain Summit ( both very good speakers and talks)
I'll try and register again - I love these freebie Summits 

Oh my gosh - I just sat and listened to multiple talks through the 7 days of The Rewiring the Brain Summit - it was simply outstanding. 

The intersection and merging of centuries old practices and cutting edge neuroscience and psychology of the brain and mind that has been put together here instills much hope for the future of mental health.  I'm kinda lost for words how good it was.

I had volunteered to mind 3 additional dogs to my own two and the weather here in OZ was rainy so we all cuddled up on the bed and just listened. 

Fleet Maull that hosted the event is an incredibly good interviewer and focused on getting experts within their fields that have the research to back up their discussions. 

I found it fascinating just how far and fast the playing field of information is changing.  One speaker Dr Matt Riemann even went so far as to claim the way medicine is being practiced currently is negligent - based on the research that is in existence that has not been implemented- and his talk was very, very convincing.

Fortunately the whole Summit is being replayed for free this weekend - I highly recommend, and commend the information that has been put forward, absolutely groundbreaking stuff.

Not sure if this is where to put this
Please delete or move if not appropriate

Upcoming online Trauma focused Summit with lots of credible Trauma Specialists Commencing May 7th 2024

https://www.rewiringyourbrainworldsummit.com/

Hello NarcKiddo - Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I really like your analogy of me being a child on the bike and the training wheels and the support of my therapist.  You have made me connect with a childpart and how she has been helping that child that I am not sure I have seen.

You are not overstepping, I am grateful for everyone's help at the moment. This is how OOTS helps: processing this event with feedback from all of you is helping me see things from new angles.


I do feel so intensely supported and profoundly changed from my experiences with my T and each day since we stopped having appointments I am having more insights as to just how far she has got me through that black tunnel on that bike.  The blurriness and gloom of the loss is lifting as I reflect how far she has brought me.

I do see though that I have a long way to go if I am able to function "normally" in this world.  I had to shrink my exposure to the world to the barest of interactions - my T, my dogs, and a friend that visits once a year from overseas.  EVERYTHING was triggering me, except for nature and my dogs. Bed became my safe space - still is. Gradually, with my Ts help, I have increased my excursions out of my bedroom into the world - for example, I must walk my dogs once a day ( should be more but that is still all I can manage) and attempts at reconnecting with some 'safe' people.  There is a long way to go still. 

As I have been scrambling to make sure I put more supports in place.  I am being more discerning with what I might need in my future handlebar support team.
New therapist appts✔️, OOTS ✔️,   I was travelling quite a long distance to see my T as I had moved to a different region during the course of our time together - that travel is also playing into my selection criteria. 

Ive started seeing a local trauma informed masseuse/TCM practitioner in the interim to help with the tension I have been holding - this is having way more positive impact than I could ever have anticipated - she is incredibly calming and my first visit was something almost ethereal.  The energetic shift in my body and mind was palpable.

This energy shift is something that has me questioning whether I do in fact need more CBT/ Talk therapy at the moment or whether I could get away with focusing on this more somatic based tx for a while. 

I was feeling a strong sense of betrayal to my T at looking to replace her, I am still in the tunnel, but she put the wheels back on and I am on that bike and she is my stabiliser wheels.  She has helped me avoid so many trains that continued to run over me during our time together and she has got me so much closer to the light at the end of the tunnel that I can almost see it.  For the moment, I'm feeling ok, appreciative of her beyond words, and ok about exploring and finding who is going to hold my handlebars, until the day I can turn around and see I am doing it all on my own.

Hey thank you for reading and your thoughts

Kizzie,
Yes, it's true, there is an underlying illness, which she has been trying to get on top of.  She could have just walked away 12 months ago and focused on herself but in her selflessness, she didn't want to dump and run she tried to care for herself by managing the caseload but eventually that didn't work and that ended in Burnout - It's not only me, she had other clients too, but I do feel my contribution in part, simply because I was one of the reasons  (not all)she kept trying to go on, and that hurts, she genuinely cared and gave her all.  Despite having to stop seeing clients she hasn't dumped me - she is still communicating with me and making sure I am ok and helping me find someone else.

In a way putting it down here in writing is maybe honouring her and the professionals like her that really care about us and are trying to help us get our heads around this way of being that has been inflicted on us.
And putting it down in writing is in a way maybe also helping me grieve the loss.



Papa Coco,
Yes, the windows, you brought back a visual of me in my geography classroom, if only it didn't have windows - but I know I would have found another way to dissociate - I used to excuse myself to go to the bathroom every single class and then take the most circuitous route possible there and back effectively losing 10-15 minutes of each class. 

And yes, I also cannot have anyone help me without feeling I owe something in return.  I struggle big time with this and often wonder how much of that contributes to me not wanting to be around, or with people.  I get irritated by my aunt offering to get me a drink or make lunch.

A T has had to be a part of my life almost continuously for me to know I have an independent 'someone' I can depend upon to be there for me when my wheels fall off without feeling I am being a burden, yet I respect how much of themselves therapists have to give to bare that burden so I find money exchange is still not enough especially if I sense they are going above and beyond which is the case with this T.

I also wish I had that money, but I don't think I could survive this world without paying for someone who has an understanding of how a traumatised brain works.  Going without all the things that money could have be spent on, is something I have had to accept as my lot in life, though I do wish it wasn't that way.

I get it that my trauma brain thinks I am to blame for her breaking but I honestly can't see it any other way - at least in part.  I know she was in control of her decisions and actions but she cared enough about me ( and her other clients) to push herself too far and broke. It is a display of human empathy that I am and will be forever grateful for but wish it didn't end this way. It hurts that I may have hurt her in whatever way unintentionally.



Thank you both for helping me process and just put it out there. I am always grateful that OOTS  is here.

I havn't posted much on OOTS because I still find it difficult for my brain to navigate communication in pretty much all its forms.  Schooling - whilst my body was physically present in the classroom, I was behind the veneer of my bubble, I was there but I wasn't there, and my brain missed out on so many critical learning skills.

I am firmly of the belief that this is the result of the chronic and cumulative effect of exposure to neglect and serious repeated familial trauma's commencing well before schooling started, and compounding year upon year. But that is a story to explore for my personal journal when I can do that.
 
I've had multiple Therapists across a 35+ year period.  In fact there has rarely been a time from my early 20's when I havn't been accessing some sort of Therapy - some good and some in hindsight, not so good.

And the money$, ooooh the money$ - I recently calculated that I have conservatively, spent at least $85-90,000.00 across these years of therapy in an effort to keep me from carrying through on my S-Ideation and a quest to find out "what is wrong with me" and how I can get my brain to work "normal" and to just be.......!

This month, I have lost my most wonderful Therapist- one that I have been seeing almost weekly since 2015, to an illness that has forced her to stop work and look after herself. The person who dragged me up off the rocky unstable ground in the dark tunnel that I had been flung into like a beaten rag doll, bloodied from a lifetime of repeated stressors and traumas until I eventually broke.  A therapist that never failed to be there for me from day one, that was always encouraging me to keep going. A Therapist that has supported me through a workplace mess, a relationship breakdown and all that ensues, a relocation to a new home and area, the nursing of and death of my mother, and multiple, multiple other stressors during those times.  A Therapist that agreed to continue to see me face to face through Covid lockdowns ( masked of course), and who would unquestionably let me, and in fact encouraged me to contact her outside of session if something came up that needed to be shared.

Ive really struggled with understanding how relational trauma/cPTSD  can be repaired by someone we have to pay money to. In my mind it is simply a monetary exchange for a service that under codes of practice enforces relational boundaries - so how can we intrinsically feel or sense or repair our ability to have relations when we know it is being paid for and not given freely of will.

I still don't understand it despite years of her not failing me, of going above and beyond what I 'paid for', of being just an absolute rock.  Something in my trauma formed brain even now is screaming she is finally rid of me. 


I finally broke her. I am gutted.


The thought of having to start all over again has been sending shock waves through me.  I know I have to because despite all the Therapy I have had across the years, despite having ' the best Therapist ever '.

I am permanently broken and so so sad for her to have never given up until she was broken too.

Hi Kizzie/Kizzies Husband

I'm sorry I didn't realise you had posted about your hospitalisation when I sent you those PMs, last month.
I'm really not very good at navigating forums, sorry.

My most sincere thoughts are with you and my hopes that you will make a speedy recovery to a place you feel comfortable with. No responses needed - just take all the time you need to get yourself well.🤗

Thanks for feedback Bee, glad it was useful.  Yes, cost is prohibitive, and yes, those incessant emails.....my therapist has bought the series, so I hope to benefit from her knowledge gain 

Thank you Kizzie 

Thnx Bee.

Wondering if anyone found this course useful at all? Or if anyone has had experience with this in their treatment?  I know my trauma therapist is excited to work with me on it. Ie Compassion Focused Trauma Therapy.

I managed to sleep through most of the first one and all of the other three in the series.  Just so caught up in wanting to sleep my life away.

Have I said thank you for starting this site yet Kizzie?
If I havn't, please accept a huge thank you, I find it very comforting. One day I hope to be able to participate like a real human being, and allow more of myself out.

Hi Kizzie/admin

Not quite sure where to post this.  I wanted to share as It is an emerging treatment path.  Could you move if not appropriate please.

The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioural Medicine (NICABM) has started a 4 part Master series on the Clinical Application of Compassion Therapy this week.  You can register to listen for free at the time of event, or purchase access.

Unfortunately, it has already started this week so the first of the series has already run, but there are three more.

My trauma therapist, has been mentioning Compassion Therapy for a while stating there have been some credible success in research.  I saw her yesterday after we had both listened to the first session
and she rated the course very highly, we had one of more productive sessions for a while.

I hope it is of use to some.  All the best. Sig

I don't know how I have happened upon this thread.  I just sincerely, wish you luck in your sobriety.  I also struggle with it in isolation, particularly because I have nothing that entices me into living, despite being an optimistic person......so, when I am sober there is not much to look forward too, except my two pups, but I have this blooming instinct to carry on.  I hope you can find your primal instinct

I too have found this site life-changing, the depth of knowledge provided from you Kizzie, as well as all your moderators and the folks that post is invaluable.  Wish I could get involved more but I just can't yet. Just wanted to say I acknowledge the effort you have made putting it together and maintaining it on a steady course. Thank you.

Hello, I'm much, much older and have been in and out of therapy over thirty five years, only hearing the term CPtsd in the past six or so years.....I found this awesome forum a few years ago but only joined in the past year, I still have not really been able to write anything about myself, I still havn't worked that out, but there is so much for you to learn from here. Hopefully one day I will learn how to not be afraid to share.  Already you have been so very brave👏🏻.

Hello, not sure where to post this.  Please move as required Kizzie/Admin.
BlueKnot are a strong advocacy and professional training group in Australia.

https://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources/Publications/Practice-Guidelines/Dissociation-Guidelines

🙏
T