Has anyone broken their Therapist?

[SigNature]

I havn't posted much on OOTS because I still find it difficult for my brain to navigate communication in pretty much all its forms.  Schooling - whilst my body was physically present in the classroom, I was behind the veneer of my bubble, I was there but I wasn't there, and my brain missed out on so many critical learning skills.

I am firmly of the belief that this is the result of the chronic and cumulative effect of exposure to neglect and serious repeated familial trauma's commencing well before schooling started, and compounding year upon year. But that is a story to explore for my personal journal when I can do that.
 
I've had multiple Therapists across a 35+ year period.  In fact there has rarely been a time from my early 20's when I havn't been accessing some sort of Therapy - some good and some in hindsight, not so good.

And the money$, ooooh the money$ - I recently calculated that I have conservatively, spent at least $85-90,000.00 across these years of therapy in an effort to keep me from carrying through on my S-Ideation and a quest to find out "what is wrong with me" and how I can get my brain to work "normal" and to just be.......!

This month, I have lost my most wonderful Therapist- one that I have been seeing almost weekly since 2015, to an illness that has forced her to stop work and look after herself. The person who dragged me up off the rocky unstable ground in the dark tunnel that I had been flung into like a beaten rag doll, bloodied from a lifetime of repeated stressors and traumas until I eventually broke.  A therapist that never failed to be there for me from day one, that was always encouraging me to keep going. A Therapist that has supported me through a workplace mess, a relationship breakdown and all that ensues, a relocation to a new home and area, the nursing of and death of my mother, and multiple, multiple other stressors during those times.  A Therapist that agreed to continue to see me face to face through Covid lockdowns ( masked of course), and who would unquestionably let me, and in fact encouraged me to contact her outside of session if something came up that needed to be shared.

Ive really struggled with understanding how relational trauma/cPTSD  can be repaired by someone we have to pay money to. In my mind it is simply a monetary exchange for a service that under codes of practice enforces relational boundaries - so how can we intrinsically feel or sense or repair our ability to have relations when we know it is being paid for and not given freely of will.

I still don't understand it despite years of her not failing me, of going above and beyond what I 'paid for', of being just an absolute rock.  Something in my trauma formed brain even now is screaming she is finally rid of me. 


I finally broke her. I am gutted.


The thought of having to start all over again has been sending shock waves through me.  I know I have to because despite all the Therapy I have had across the years, despite having ' the best Therapist ever '.

I am permanently broken and so so sad for her to have never given up until she was broken too.

[Papa Coco]

SigNature,

I'm sorry to hear your therapist has had to leave the business. I hope you can find a good trauma-wise therapist to replace her.

I was so dissociated in school that I learned nothing also. The environment was so abusive that I just hid inside my head. I swore that the teachers were speaking in foreign languages because I couldn't absorb anything they said or taught. I imagined myself outside all the while I was in the classroom. I've often joked that I'd have learned more if classrooms hadn't had windows.

I can hear trauma talking through your words when you say that you feel like you broke your therapist. I can resonate also with you that I am always quick to take the blame for everyone else's pain.

For me, I need to know that I'm paying therapists because if anyone tries to help me without me paying them, then I feel like I owe them something and I get so nervous that I can't accept their help. I grew up being told that it was my job to help others, but when I needed help, I was blamed for making them stop what they were doing to waste their time on worthless little me. They'd make me help them, but when I needed help in return, they'd tell me to stand up like a man and take care of myself. Or my family would humiliate me by rolling their eyes like I'm nothing but a burden on them. So, in my world, if I pay, I'm a customer. If I don't pay, I'm a burden.

I do, however, wish I still had all the money I've spent on 40 years of therapy and self-help books, and medications, and medical problems brought on by trauma, and addictions and buying things to try and find happiness in possessions, and all the time I refused free help so I could pay someone in order to not feel shame for being in need.  The hidden costs of CPTSD are unfathomable.

I would be inclined to believe that you did not break your therapist, but that the little demon of trauma is whispering in your ear that everyone's problems are your fault. I say that because it's exactly how I feel all the time too. I struggle all the time to stop telling myself that the weight of the world is on my shoulders and that the problems of others are my fault. It's not true in reality, but trauma keeps making me believe it's true. It's not. It's trauma that's making me think it is.

[Kizzie]

SigNature, I am so sorry to hear about your T.  Did you say she has an illness though?  I understand you may feel like you broke her but is it possible you really don't have anything to do with her stopping her therapy practice and it is her physical health?

[SigNature]

Hey thank you for reading and your thoughts

Kizzie,
Yes, it's true, there is an underlying illness, which she has been trying to get on top of.  She could have just walked away 12 months ago and focused on herself but in her selflessness, she didn't want to dump and run she tried to care for herself by managing the caseload but eventually that didn't work and that ended in Burnout - It's not only me, she had other clients too, but I do feel my contribution in part, simply because I was one of the reasons  (not all)she kept trying to go on, and that hurts, she genuinely cared and gave her all.  Despite having to stop seeing clients she hasn't dumped me - she is still communicating with me and making sure I am ok and helping me find someone else.

In a way putting it down here in writing is maybe honouring her and the professionals like her that really care about us and are trying to help us get our heads around this way of being that has been inflicted on us.
And putting it down in writing is in a way maybe also helping me grieve the loss.



Papa Coco,
Yes, the windows, you brought back a visual of me in my geography classroom, if only it didn't have windows - but I know I would have found another way to dissociate - I used to excuse myself to go to the bathroom every single class and then take the most circuitous route possible there and back effectively losing 10-15 minutes of each class. 

And yes, I also cannot have anyone help me without feeling I owe something in return.  I struggle big time with this and often wonder how much of that contributes to me not wanting to be around, or with people.  I get irritated by my aunt offering to get me a drink or make lunch.

A T has had to be a part of my life almost continuously for me to know I have an independent 'someone' I can depend upon to be there for me when my wheels fall off without feeling I am being a burden, yet I respect how much of themselves therapists have to give to bare that burden so I find money exchange is still not enough especially if I sense they are going above and beyond which is the case with this T.

I also wish I had that money, but I don't think I could survive this world without paying for someone who has an understanding of how a traumatised brain works.  Going without all the things that money could have be spent on, is something I have had to accept as my lot in life, though I do wish it wasn't that way.

I get it that my trauma brain thinks I am to blame for her breaking but I honestly can't see it any other way - at least in part.  I know she was in control of her decisions and actions but she cared enough about me ( and her other clients) to push herself too far and broke. It is a display of human empathy that I am and will be forever grateful for but wish it didn't end this way. It hurts that I may have hurt her in whatever way unintentionally.



Thank you both for helping me process and just put it out there. I am always grateful that OOTS  is here.

[NarcKiddo]

SigNature, I understand why it feels like you broke your therapist. But you didn't. Honestly, you didn't. She is showing you how a truly caring person can behave. She was there for you as long as she could be. Now she cannot be there for you in quite the same way, and she is rightly taking care of herself. Maybe she could/should have done that sooner. But that was her decision and her right. Even now, she has not dumped you and she is helping you find someone else.

She sounds like a wonderful person. Also, although it may not feel like it yet, I think this episode of not having a current T in the way you are used to, may well show you just how far you have come. Distressing though it is, it does sound to me as if you are actually coping pretty well with the current situation. I may be totally off base, and I apologise if I am overstepping, but the picture I am seeing from your words is a child on a bike with stabiliser wheels. The T represents the parent who at the start has to go alongside, holding the handlebars, until she feels the child is ready to have a go alone. But the T also represents the stabiliser wheels - she is still in communication with you as you wobble off under your own steam. Maybe you will need to find another T who can actually hold the handlebars again if necessary. Or maybe you will find that you are OK with the stabilisers, and can work with a new T on  getting rid of the stabilisers with time.

I wish you all the very best as you deal with this - and I hope you will continue to seek and find support here at OOTS as you grieve the loss.

[SigNature]

Hello NarcKiddo - Thank you for your thoughtful response.

I really like your analogy of me being a child on the bike and the training wheels and the support of my therapist.  You have made me connect with a childpart and how she has been helping that child that I am not sure I have seen.

You are not overstepping, I am grateful for everyone's help at the moment. This is how OOTS helps: processing this event with feedback from all of you is helping me see things from new angles.


I do feel so intensely supported and profoundly changed from my experiences with my T and each day since we stopped having appointments I am having more insights as to just how far she has got me through that black tunnel on that bike.  The blurriness and gloom of the loss is lifting as I reflect how far she has brought me.

I do see though that I have a long way to go if I am able to function "normally" in this world.  I had to shrink my exposure to the world to the barest of interactions - my T, my dogs, and a friend that visits once a year from overseas.  EVERYTHING was triggering me, except for nature and my dogs. Bed became my safe space - still is. Gradually, with my Ts help, I have increased my excursions out of my bedroom into the world - for example, I must walk my dogs once a day ( should be more but that is still all I can manage) and attempts at reconnecting with some 'safe' people.  There is a long way to go still. 

As I have been scrambling to make sure I put more supports in place.  I am being more discerning with what I might need in my future handlebar support team.
New therapist appts✔️, OOTS ✔️,   I was travelling quite a long distance to see my T as I had moved to a different region during the course of our time together - that travel is also playing into my selection criteria. 

Ive started seeing a local trauma informed masseuse/TCM practitioner in the interim to help with the tension I have been holding - this is having way more positive impact than I could ever have anticipated - she is incredibly calming and my first visit was something almost ethereal.  The energetic shift in my body and mind was palpable.

This energy shift is something that has me questioning whether I do in fact need more CBT/ Talk therapy at the moment or whether I could get away with focusing on this more somatic based tx for a while. 

I was feeling a strong sense of betrayal to my T at looking to replace her, I am still in the tunnel, but she put the wheels back on and I am on that bike and she is my stabiliser wheels.  She has helped me avoid so many trains that continued to run over me during our time together and she has got me so much closer to the light at the end of the tunnel that I can almost see it.  For the moment, I'm feeling ok, appreciative of her beyond words, and ok about exploring and finding who is going to hold my handlebars, until the day I can turn around and see I am doing it all on my own.