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This is how I feel too.  My abusers will be judged (or forgiven) by someone or something much bigger than I. 

Thank you so much for replying to me.
As someone who was not raised with religion....this is a concept I have always struggled with.  Although I have looked in on religion from the outside and at times considered if "letting jesus save me" would truly relieve me of this pain...I cant help but be suspicious. Without intending any disrespect to anyones religious beliefs, and speaking in my personal opinion only, as someone who wasn't fed religion as a child I find it very difficult to wrap my head around it. It begs all those questions..if there is something bigger then why are some of us put through such horrors in our lives? In my case why are innocent children ruined by the evilness of some adults without consequence? And then said child grows up, battles with the consequence in their EVERY WAKING moment...and they are ridiculed into relieving all abusers of guilt. My brain and my body wholeheartedly rejects it.

Sorry I wasn't very clear.  I was not raised with religion either and I too, as a child, often wondered if there is something or someone bigger than us then why are we put through the horrors we went through.  That being said, even though I don't know anything about religion, I'd like to think that the abuser will be judged in the end and the thought does give me a bit of comfort, thinking that the abuser would have to answer to someone or something more powerful than he for what he did  - one never knows. 

What I was trying to say in my earlier response was that I took the forgiveness out of my hands and put it back in the abuser's hands to do with what he will. I acknowledge what he did but It's not in me to forgive his evil; he needs to forgive his own evil. And by handing that 'requirement' back to him, I feel I took my power back.

How's it going m grizz ?

Hi Boatsetsailrose     I'm doing ok, thank you for asking. 

Although I chickened out about cancelling my appointment because I really don't like conflict and would rather avoid it.  So I went to the appointment but took my book with me.  I also suggested that she read it to expand her knowledge of trauma therapy.  She was kinda taken back by my bringing the book but she did take a picture of the cover so she could review it on-line later.  I tried to steer the conversation about what was in the book and the exercises I was doing from it.  she agreed it was a good thing for me to read and it seemed to be helping.  the rest of the appointment was pretty futile. 

She actually argued with me when I said that I couldn't say "I am pretty" in the mirror every day, I told her I would rather say "I am enough" and that seemed to anger her even more .......  Oh and that I should drink water with lots of lemons so the lemon would detox me ........  that it was my fault my adult son was not working and is at home ........  and that it was hotter here (I live in Northern Alberta, Canada where it is Winter 7 to 8 months out of the year)  than where she use to live in Florida because we (up in the North) are closer to the Sun so the Sun is stronger and it burns?        If I remember my science class of 40 odd years ago, I'm pretty sure that's not true - something about countries on the equator being closer - and I'm definitely not on the equator.     I may have or may not have stopped listening to her at that point.   

So other than me talking about what I was doing with the 'From surviving to thriving' book, there was no real therapy given.  I'm pretty sure I'm not going to go back - it's wasting her time and is wasting mine.  Plus I don't need the stress of having a therapist argue with me over my opinions or choices.

So I'm trying to stay calm and continue on.  I'm up to chapter 8 in my book and I'm finding it so very informative.  It's helping me understand why I am the way I am and I am hopeful that it will help me heal.  It's a really good book and is extremely helpful.

Absolutely I feel robbed.  I'm at a time in my life where I'm going to retire soon and I have no idea who I am - me, personally.  the only thing I was taught by my family was how to survive and just barely at that.

I was too busy trying to survive as a child, then as a teenager on my own, to figure out what I liked or what I wanted to do.  I finally escaped when I was 17 and I found very quickly that I could act like others at work and get positive recognition for what I did.  I never fit in anywhere as a child and I barely do as an adult but I identify with my job (I also became a workaholic).  But this phase of my life is coming to an end in a few years.  Now I need to figure out who I am.  What do I like?  What is my passion?  Instead of being like others that I admire, I want to be myself but it's pretty scary and I wish I knew who I was a lot sooner than now - the clock is ticking you know?  I keep wondering if the person that I've become is really me?  A strange question but I've been thinking about it for a while.

And I often wonder what it would be like if the abuse hadn't happened, if I had grown up in a loving family.  I would probably know how to handle the acceptance of love in a normal relationship.  Would I have had any dreams or goals and would I have gone after them?

I was with my 3 year old grand-daughter last weekend and it hit me that I was the same age that she is now when the abuse started.  It hurts my heart thinking that anybody could even think of sexually abusing a baby like that.  She will have the childhood that I never had that's for sure and she will never know what my childhood was like.  We have so much fun together and through her eyes & laughter, I can experience a little bit of what I should have had in mine.

So yes I was robbed even if I didn't know I was being robbed at the time.  Not only robbed by the abusers but by the family who knew and did nothing to protect me (their youngest of 6 children) because the main abuser was contributing to the family finances - and it kept happening for over 13 years just because of $.   No wonder I have no self-worth (that's another thing that was robbed from me)

Sorry for rambling,  but thank you for posting and allowing my feedback.  I guess I needed to get that off my chest.

i was always of the mind that i don't have the power to forgive, that such power lies somewhere else.  i've given over the whole question of forgiveness to something bigger than me.  if that something wants to take on the task of forgiving the abusers in my life, so be it.  it's out of my hands

This is how I feel too.  My abusers will be judged (or forgiven) by someone or something much bigger than I. 

In my grief recovery class, while writing completion letters, I could not use the term 'I forgive'; and I replaced it with their suggestion of 'I acknowledge the things that you did or did not do that hurt me, and I am not going to let them hurt me anymore'.  By making that statement I took back my power and was releasing their continued hold on me.  They own their actions and I gave them back to them to do with what they will.

Thank you all for such a warm welcome and for your feedback. 

I agree with you all.  I think I will call the company that she's under and ask for a trauma based therapist or just cancel my appointment.  I do deserve more than what she's offering me and I really don't feel like justifying my needs to her when she said her self that she can't fill them.  And you're right, even the daily mirror thing is causing damage to my psyche right now - as I look in the mirror and lie to myself it's pulling me back into that dark place of depression.

I did buy a book - which is similar to Peter Walker's book.  It's called "From Surviving to Thriving - A Therapist's Guide to Stage II Recovery for Survivors of Childhood Abuse" written by Mary Bratton. It's for therapists but it does say that it's written in accessible language and includes explanations of clinical concepts so clients can also benefit from reading it as well.  I did start reading it and wow - I can relate to so much stuff in there.  But then I got nervous, my confidence wavered so I put it down but I'll pick it up again - use it for my "me" time and continue my own therapy.  I'm a big girl, I need to own this and take care of me now.  It's time.

With the book, the centre's hotline and this group, I should be able to wait for my appointment at the Sexual Assault Centre.  And who knows, maybe I won't even need to go to the Centre by the time they call me?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.  It feels so good to finally find a place where I belong, where I can be myself, with people that understand me.   

Thank you for your response Radical.  It's good to know that I'm not being over-sensitive and may have reason to worry.  It's just that I don't think I can go without support until I get in to see someone at the centre.  but then ..... am I really getting support?  I don't know.  I think I will go back one more time but practice my assertiveness training and express my concerns.

Hi this is my first post.  And I could really use some feedback - I'm feeling quite lost about this.   

I really miss my old therapist - we really connected and I was seeing him for 18 months (I went to see him about depression originally) - but when I went into Crisis Mode after an exercise in grief recovery, he told me that he was not the specialized therapy that I needed and he referred me to the Sexual Assault Centre here. And that was it - no more support - I was crushed and felt like I had been left in the Atlantic Ocean without a boat.  Just like I did when I was a child, asking for help.  It really reinforced the thought that "I was not worth it".

I did call the Sexual Assault Centre and unfortunately there is a 4 month wait to get in to see someone there. So while I wait, my General Practitioner suggested I see a different therapist through my employee benefits program (I can't afford to pay for one myself) - she said there is no way you can wait for 4 months.    I saw the new therapist a couple weeks ago and I'm not so sure about her - the more I think about it the more I worry.

The first thing she told me is that even though I asked for a therapist that specialized in trauma was that she has no experience in trauma. So I thought, ok maybe she can help me increase my self-worth, to get the suicidal thoughts out of my head. Help me calm things down a bit.  Maybe I can finally learn to like myself.

When I told her that I needed her to help me get through the 4 month wait to get into the Sexual Assault Centre, it was like she didn't believe me. She said "that's strange, I just sent a Mom and her daughter there and they took them in right away. Why would you have to wait 4 months?"  I told her maybe because it was a child you sent with her Mom - the child would have more priority.  How am I suppose to have an answer for that....... did she not believe me? Very awkward moment.  And it did make me feel awful.

When I told her at a very high level of the sexual abuse I experienced over 40 years ago (from when I was 3 up until I was 16), she kept going on and on about why my abuser was not in jail. "Did you not go to the police?" Why yes I did but not until it was 10 years after it ended. "Why is he not in jail?" That question shocked me. I have no idea why the police did not lay charges but they have pages and pages of my statement and they have a file on him. Maybe it was because all the evidence they had was my statement, I have no idea. But he's dead now anyway. Even after I told her that he was dead, she kept going on asking me why the police didn't charge him..... Did she not believe me with that either?  "Did your parents not know, they are suppose to protect you?"  Yes they did know, at least my Mom did but nothing was done.  I sure didn't feel very good about myself with her questioning me like that.  Yes parents are suppose to protect you, mine didn't - thanks for the reminder.

I think I kind of zoned out after that because I don't remember much of what she was talking about. She did agree that it sounds like I have PTSD and she could recommended some trauma counselling for me.  I agreed to that but she didn't mention it again while i was there.

My next appointment with her is mid-July. In the meantime she gave me homework:

1.Every day I'm to wear something that makes me feel pretty <--- this just made me realize that I have no pretty clothes or anything that will make me feel pretty.  I'm old, and 100 pounds overweight - and I just don't feel pretty and this exercise makes me aware of that fact.

2.Every morning I am to look myself in the mirror and say "I am pretty. This is going to be a good day because I'm going to make it a good day" <--- this actually feels like a lie when I say it and I really don't like how it makes me feel.  it makes me feel worse about myself.

3. Every day I'm to walk for 15 minutes outside and garden for 5 minutes <---I choose my treadmill; with COPD it makes it easier to breath

4. Every day I'm to drink water with lemon and eat healthy<--she think lemon will detox me, but I like lemon and vitamin c never hurts lol

And this last assignment, I'm not so sure about.....

5. I'm to write a letter to my abuser and and to each member of my family it can be pages and pages, then "we will have a ceremony, burn it and all the pain will be gone from me because I have let it go"?  She was quite adamant that this would release me and she went on and on 

That last assignment, I don't think I should do it just yet. Not because I can't write the letters but I think it will put me back into crisis mode, it will bring back a flood of memories/feelings and with her not having experience in trauma I'll have no support again. And the last time I was in crisis mode, without support, it was a really close one. The only reason I'm still here is the thought of my leaving this world would hurt my grand-daughter. The crisis mode was caused by a grief recovery letter to a lost loved one - one that wasn't the abuser - but it brought ALL the memories of my abuse back.

Plus I don't think writing a letter to my abuser will actually 'cure' me like she thinks it will. I've already confronted my abuser 20+ years ago and that didn't cure me - how is a burnt letter going to do what that didn't?

Am I looking at this the wrong way? I'm thinking of telling her that I don't feel safe about writing the letters until I can see someone who is experienced in trauma. What would you do?