Hi this is my first post. And I could really use some feedback - I'm feeling quite lost about this. 
I really miss my old therapist - we really connected and I was seeing him for 18 months (I went to see him about depression originally) - but when I went into Crisis Mode after an exercise in grief recovery, he told me that he was not the specialized therapy that I needed and he referred me to the Sexual Assault Centre here. And that was it - no more support - I was crushed and felt like I had been left in the Atlantic Ocean without a boat. Just like I did when I was a child, asking for help. It really reinforced the thought that "I was not worth it".
I did call the Sexual Assault Centre and unfortunately there is a 4 month wait to get in to see someone there. So while I wait, my General Practitioner suggested I see a different therapist through my employee benefits program (I can't afford to pay for one myself) - she said there is no way you can wait for 4 months.
I saw the new therapist a couple weeks ago and I'm not so sure about her - the more I think about it the more I worry.
The first thing she told me is that even though I asked for a therapist that specialized in trauma was that she has no experience in trauma. So I thought, ok maybe she can help me increase my self-worth, to get the suicidal thoughts out of my head. Help me calm things down a bit. Maybe I can finally learn to like myself.
When I told her that I needed her to help me get through the 4 month wait to get into the Sexual Assault Centre, it was like she didn't believe me. She said "that's strange, I just sent a Mom and her daughter there and they took them in right away. Why would you have to wait 4 months?" I told her maybe because it was a child you sent with her Mom - the child would have more priority. How am I suppose to have an answer for that....... did she not believe me? Very awkward moment. And it did make me feel awful.
When I told her at a very high level of the sexual abuse I experienced over 40 years ago (from when I was 3 up until I was 16), she kept going on and on about why my abuser was not in jail. "Did you not go to the police?" Why yes I did but not until it was 10 years after it ended. "Why is he not in jail?" That question shocked me. I have no idea why the police did not lay charges but they have pages and pages of my statement and they have a file on him. Maybe it was because all the evidence they had was my statement, I have no idea. But he's dead now anyway. Even after I told her that he was dead, she kept going on asking me why the police didn't charge him..... Did she not believe me with that either? "Did your parents not know, they are suppose to protect you?" Yes they did know, at least my Mom did but nothing was done. I sure didn't feel very good about myself with her questioning me like that. Yes parents are suppose to protect you, mine didn't - thanks for the reminder.
I think I kind of zoned out after that because I don't remember much of what she was talking about. She did agree that it sounds like I have PTSD and she could recommended some trauma counselling for me. I agreed to that but she didn't mention it again while i was there.
My next appointment with her is mid-July. In the meantime she gave me homework:
1.Every day I'm to wear something that makes me feel pretty <--- this just made me realize that I have no pretty clothes or anything that will make me feel pretty. I'm old, and 100 pounds overweight - and I just don't feel pretty and this exercise makes me aware of that fact.
2.Every morning I am to look myself in the mirror and say "I am pretty. This is going to be a good day because I'm going to make it a good day" <--- this actually feels like a lie when I say it and I really don't like how it makes me feel. it makes me feel worse about myself.
3. Every day I'm to walk for 15 minutes outside and garden for 5 minutes <---I choose my treadmill; with COPD it makes it easier to breath
4. Every day I'm to drink water with lemon and eat healthy<--she think lemon will detox me, but I like lemon and vitamin c never hurts lol
And this last assignment, I'm not so sure about.....
5. I'm to write a letter to my abuser and and to each member of my family it can be pages and pages, then "we will have a ceremony, burn it and all the pain will be gone from me because I have let it go"? She was quite adamant that this would release me and she went on and on
That last assignment, I don't think I should do it just yet. Not because I can't write the letters but I think it will put me back into crisis mode, it will bring back a flood of memories/feelings and with her not having experience in trauma I'll have no support again. And the last time I was in crisis mode, without support, it was a really close one. The only reason I'm still here is the thought of my leaving this world would hurt my grand-daughter. The crisis mode was caused by a grief recovery letter to a lost loved one - one that wasn't the abuser - but it brought ALL the memories of my abuse back.
Plus I don't think writing a letter to my abuser will actually 'cure' me like she thinks it will. I've already confronted my abuser 20+ years ago and that didn't cure me - how is a burnt letter going to do what that didn't?
Am I looking at this the wrong way? I'm thinking of telling her that I don't feel safe about writing the letters until I can see someone who is experienced in trauma. What would you do?
I really miss my old therapist - we really connected and I was seeing him for 18 months (I went to see him about depression originally) - but when I went into Crisis Mode after an exercise in grief recovery, he told me that he was not the specialized therapy that I needed and he referred me to the Sexual Assault Centre here. And that was it - no more support - I was crushed and felt like I had been left in the Atlantic Ocean without a boat. Just like I did when I was a child, asking for help. It really reinforced the thought that "I was not worth it".
I did call the Sexual Assault Centre and unfortunately there is a 4 month wait to get in to see someone there. So while I wait, my General Practitioner suggested I see a different therapist through my employee benefits program (I can't afford to pay for one myself) - she said there is no way you can wait for 4 months.
I saw the new therapist a couple weeks ago and I'm not so sure about her - the more I think about it the more I worry.The first thing she told me is that even though I asked for a therapist that specialized in trauma was that she has no experience in trauma. So I thought, ok maybe she can help me increase my self-worth, to get the suicidal thoughts out of my head. Help me calm things down a bit. Maybe I can finally learn to like myself.
When I told her that I needed her to help me get through the 4 month wait to get into the Sexual Assault Centre, it was like she didn't believe me. She said "that's strange, I just sent a Mom and her daughter there and they took them in right away. Why would you have to wait 4 months?" I told her maybe because it was a child you sent with her Mom - the child would have more priority. How am I suppose to have an answer for that....... did she not believe me? Very awkward moment. And it did make me feel awful.
When I told her at a very high level of the sexual abuse I experienced over 40 years ago (from when I was 3 up until I was 16), she kept going on and on about why my abuser was not in jail. "Did you not go to the police?" Why yes I did but not until it was 10 years after it ended. "Why is he not in jail?" That question shocked me. I have no idea why the police did not lay charges but they have pages and pages of my statement and they have a file on him. Maybe it was because all the evidence they had was my statement, I have no idea. But he's dead now anyway. Even after I told her that he was dead, she kept going on asking me why the police didn't charge him..... Did she not believe me with that either? "Did your parents not know, they are suppose to protect you?" Yes they did know, at least my Mom did but nothing was done. I sure didn't feel very good about myself with her questioning me like that. Yes parents are suppose to protect you, mine didn't - thanks for the reminder.
I think I kind of zoned out after that because I don't remember much of what she was talking about. She did agree that it sounds like I have PTSD and she could recommended some trauma counselling for me. I agreed to that but she didn't mention it again while i was there.
My next appointment with her is mid-July. In the meantime she gave me homework:
1.Every day I'm to wear something that makes me feel pretty <--- this just made me realize that I have no pretty clothes or anything that will make me feel pretty. I'm old, and 100 pounds overweight - and I just don't feel pretty and this exercise makes me aware of that fact.
2.Every morning I am to look myself in the mirror and say "I am pretty. This is going to be a good day because I'm going to make it a good day" <--- this actually feels like a lie when I say it and I really don't like how it makes me feel. it makes me feel worse about myself.
3. Every day I'm to walk for 15 minutes outside and garden for 5 minutes <---I choose my treadmill; with COPD it makes it easier to breath
4. Every day I'm to drink water with lemon and eat healthy<--she think lemon will detox me, but I like lemon and vitamin c never hurts lol
And this last assignment, I'm not so sure about.....
5. I'm to write a letter to my abuser and and to each member of my family it can be pages and pages, then "we will have a ceremony, burn it and all the pain will be gone from me because I have let it go"? She was quite adamant that this would release me and she went on and on
That last assignment, I don't think I should do it just yet. Not because I can't write the letters but I think it will put me back into crisis mode, it will bring back a flood of memories/feelings and with her not having experience in trauma I'll have no support again. And the last time I was in crisis mode, without support, it was a really close one. The only reason I'm still here is the thought of my leaving this world would hurt my grand-daughter. The crisis mode was caused by a grief recovery letter to a lost loved one - one that wasn't the abuser - but it brought ALL the memories of my abuse back.
Plus I don't think writing a letter to my abuser will actually 'cure' me like she thinks it will. I've already confronted my abuser 20+ years ago and that didn't cure me - how is a burnt letter going to do what that didn't?
Am I looking at this the wrong way? I'm thinking of telling her that I don't feel safe about writing the letters until I can see someone who is experienced in trauma. What would you do?