Messages

How do others juggle this?

Well, I don't have an answer for you on that one, but wanted to reply just to let you know I struggle with it as well. I dislike the in-authenticity of this greeting. I'm always forced to say 'I'm okay' or 'I'm fine' with a smile because if I don't I'm shunned as someone who has 'issues'. It took me years and years to figure out that unless the person asking actually cares about your answer you just have to fake it to avoid making the greeter uncomfortable!! It's just so ridiculous. Why ask if you don't care? Ahhh the beauty of the English language. I'm sure there are parallels in other languages too 

I am pretty sure I suffer from this CPTSD, it describes well many years of chronic problems and answers the question "WHAT is WRONG with me???" that I've asked myself too often... My syndrome presents mostly as being avoidant, isolated, and major issues coping with people -- especially those who represent some form of "authority" .. hence the issues I have with finances, health and employers. Basically every foundational aspect of life. Also: anxiety and depression, and for several months after losing my home, had panic attacks.

Wow, so much here I identify with. Anxiety, depression, I've suffered panic attacks too (horrible experiences... especially when you're trying to lead a seminar at university and you have one!!), and your comment about authority figures is very very interesting. I've always mistrusted and avoided interacting with authority figures, perhaps fearing abuses of power. I really feel for you. Isn't it great to not be alone in this, knowing that others are successfully finding their way out of this? It gives me hope. Thanks so much for sharing  .

Me too soul survivor having the lasting effects all these yrs later of a m with bpd can be dehabilitating ...

Yep... at least we can now name it (cptsd), which gives me some comfort. I just thought I was 'unfit for living'. Now I'm finally starting to understand how much I've been through and how my upbringing wasn't normal (although what is 'normal' I guess) 

Your post could be my post ... so similar

Hi boatsetsailrose,

Thanks for the welcome. Feeling less alone in this :-)

In my opinion, you're taking a good path to become who you wish to be and to find who you truly are.

Thanks for the welcome and your kind words. You're spot on about the 'finding out who I truly am' bit. I haven't a clue. None whatsoever. I haven't met many 37 year olds who haven't a clue who they are and what on earth they're doing in this world. I'm halfway content in being a good husband and father but I need more. I have an emptiness inside me that needs to be filled or at least understood in some way. Otherwise I fear my continuing ability to function adequately as a father and husband might not last. And it's something I'm determined not to * up - mind my french. So here I am. Thanks again.

It wonderful that you do have siblings who acknowledge the trauma and are working on their own recovery.  That will no doubt be really helpful as you recover because they can provide validation and support.  Coming here will hopefully provide some of that and it can also be helpful to have a therapist who is trained and experienced in trauma.

Hi Kizzie,

Thanks for the welcome, it means a lot. Indeed, I'm very lucky to have siblings that are able to help me along the path of healing. We're a pretty atomized family (sister lives in another country, brother lives on other side of my country) but have started to re-establish bonds in the last couple of years. I intend to seek out a therapist with experience in trauma (particularly cptsd), as you suggest, and see what comes of it. I'd been seeing a psychologist for a couple of years and didn't really get a whole lot out of it save for some interesting intellectual discussions. I think my spirit needs nourishing, not my rational mind :-) I accept the blame for that, I believe I kept it on an intellectual level - unconsciously perhaps - to protect myself from getting too deep into the emotional stuff. Great way to shoot myself in the foot, huh. Thanks so much for the welcome, I hope I manage to make something out of all of this. Keep well.

Me too. Lost cause, right?

Yeah, didn't work so well for me  My sister, the eldest, took the opposite approach - challenging her and eventually breaking away and keeping her contact with my parents to a minimum. She seemed to know what was going on and knew to get out? I had no clue and thought my mum was simply 'unbalanced'. I kept close for far too long and it sucked the life out of me. So now at 37 years old it seems like I'm starting all over again, emotionally at least. Thanks for reaching out.

Hello,

It's taken me a couple of weeks to work up the courage to post here. I don't see any reason to waste any more time. Like many others here, I haven't been officially diagnosed as having cPTSD but like many others have observed, all the pieces seem to fit. I was raised by a undiagnosed BPD mother with an enabler father, and it was actually my sister through her therapy sessions that made the discovery that my mother is BPD. While most of the abuse was emotional, my father and sister suffered physical abuse at her hands. I was a sensitive child that tried to appease her and generally disappear rather than suffer her manipulation and wrath. I don't have many detailed memories of my childhood, it's all a fog. Some clarity has been achieved through conversations with my younger brother and older sister who remember more, and are further along the path of recovery than I am.

I'm still quite lost and uninformed but I'm trying to remedy that. It's painful to delve into it but I feel that I have to for the sake of my own family. I'm so tired of the anxiety, fear and self-loathing. I deserve more than this and so do my wife and kids. I'll leave it at that. I'd love to hear anything you have to say - it'll be nice to hear some kind and understanding words. I know I'm not alone.