Hello *split from When "how are you" is a trigger

[Autumn_Dryad]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here and recently diagnosed. Well, if you can consider a year-and-half ago recent, but I'm still on sick leave from work and still coming to terms with my C-PTSD in the aftermath of a spectacular traumatic event that finally dropped me like a stone (until then I was in a perpetual "don't think about bad stuff" survival mode cycle).

I'm at a loss how to deal with the question "how are you?". It is simultaneously a trigger and something I crave, as my trauma springs from neglect, voicelessness and psychological abuse in which I was repeatedly ignored and denied help in those rare times I dared ask or spoke my truth. Since my diagnosis and time with a therapist, I've come to understand I have repressed anger at always being the nurturer and am like a magnet for narcissists. I just don't trust anyone anymore, as telling my truth has either caused anger on their part with gaslighting the most popular tool to shut me up, or I've had insinuated and actual threats against me. Or if harmless, then the supposed friend, colleague or family member does not care at all about what I do say or reveal. I'm weary of putting on the fake smile and the empty "Fine, thanks, how are you?" routine. This is so hard when I'm in a really bad way and need emotional support.

How do others juggle this?

Thanks,
Autumn.

[Wife#2]

Autumn, first let me say welcome! Second, let me say, I am so very, very sorry that you had to survive the horrors of neglect, emotional abandonment and invalidation.

This was my struggle. I've begun using the, 'Do you really want to know?' option I discussed and it is helping take the sting out. Hubby will look at my face, see my expression and tell me, 'Oh, like that, huh? Ok, does it help that I had a hot meal waiting when you got home?' We don't have to discuss it, I don't have to feel invalidated by is lack of interest in my day.

With coworkers, I changed my answer from 'Fine, how are you?' to 'Well' or 'Not dead' or something banal like that. When I ask the question, it's usually of someone who I know has struggles and I really care and really want an honest answer. They know that. Because if they say, 'Fine', I ask again, 'Really?'. That opens up the conversation so they can answer with their truth. When THEY ask ME, they usually are ready for the truth. Still, I hate to burden them, so I usually stick to 'Well' or 'Making it through this day' or 'Not dead'.

I don't know if you can use any of this. If it helps you, I'm very glad. Just know there are people out here in cyberland who DO care how you feel.

[Autumn_Dryad]

Thanks, wife#2, it sounds like you've got some good, supportive people around you. I'll try your suggestion of a toned down answer, maybe 'Not so bad' or something like that. At least it won't be an outright lie about my feelings, nor an unwanted outpouring of truth.

Thanks,
A.

[soulsurvivor]

How do others juggle this?

Well, I don't have an answer for you on that one, but wanted to reply just to let you know I struggle with it as well. I dislike the in-authenticity of this greeting. I'm always forced to say 'I'm okay' or 'I'm fine' with a smile because if I don't I'm shunned as someone who has 'issues'. It took me years and years to figure out that unless the person asking actually cares about your answer you just have to fake it to avoid making the greeter uncomfortable!! It's just so ridiculous. Why ask if you don't care? Ahhh the beauty of the English language. I'm sure there are parallels in other languages too 

[lambchop]

I'm weary of putting on the fake smile and the empty "Fine, thanks, how are you?" routine. This is so hard when I'm in a really bad way and need emotional support.

I hear you Autumn and welcome.  Both parents are narcissists, so is my older sister. At 65 it hit me like a ton of bricks  how many of my close friends are narcissists. I find most people ask just because it's an alternative to saying hi or are being polite but really don't have the time to listen or are interested in your answer. We've also become less interactive with each other thanks to technology. As an example, I went to the snack stand at the movie and overheard the young man behind the counter say to the customer in front of me after collecting the money "have a magical day". The customer gave no response. As I approached I said "for a moment I thought I was at Disney" to which the young man responded "I've been saying that to customers all day and you are the only one who responded."

I have found that it's generally not safe to share – most people can't handle it. I learned to be discerning who I share my response with if I really want to be heard. How do I discern? Do their eyes connect with yours? Do they offer a gentle touch. If you make a statement that has a hook to it do they take the bait? For example, if someone says "how are you" (could be a stranger, acquaintance, friend, family or medical practitioner) and their eyes are engaged with mine, I might respond with I could be better, or last night was rough, or I'm having a rough patch at the moment. If they respond with "oh really, how so?" I'll share a bit more. If they're asking questions by then, you have the attention of someone who really wants to know and listen. If instead they start sharing some "me too" statement, I know I don't have a compassionate listener, make light of my original statement and excuse myself.

Value yourself, you deserve to be heard.  True listeners are few. Just as a P.S. I recently purchased a recording device the size of a flash drive. When I have the need to release what I'm feeling and there's no one around to listen, I speak to the device and play it back. I find I'm a very good listener - being a nurturer, I would guess you are too!

[lisbeth]

Depends on who is asking - I'm also a magnet for narcissists and psychopaths and have been lied to by so many that I have a really hard time lying about how I am.  I either try to ignore the question, or just say I'm hanging in there, or that I'm not great but don't elaborate.  Of course the How are you is triggering to me also so I tend to not talk to anyone for days or weeks at a time.  I just refuse to put on a happy face when that is not how I feel.