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Thank you, I am going to give him a last try since I have been with him for 18 months and it wasn't all bad,

hey, nevish,

if you're having difficulty talking to your t about anything, that may be something to talk to him about so that together the two of you can explore the reasons for it.   your t is supposed to be your guide to get you from where you are to where you want to be.   if you can't speak of where you are, he won't know how to begin to guide you through the maze.  in such a case, it's conceivable that you're not making much progress in taming the c-ptsd beast. 

i hope you can find some resolution with him about being stuck or why it is it's hard for you to move forward.    best to you with this.  i hope he can help you understand what's going on so that you can get rid of what's blocking your progress.    big hug!

I have tried, but he doesn't guide me on anything, he just starts with his monologue.

I am going to ask to talk with the psychologist that works in the same center.

Hi Nevish,

You have to put faith in your therapist and be open about how you feel. It sounds like you like you cant trust them yet . This is very common at the begining of therapy. Its called the "testing phase". It can last months.

If youve been really hurt, its hard to trust people again, as you think they may hurt you again.

It might take some time, but i would pursue it. Just talk about anything thats on your mind. A good therapist will listen to what you say and gently probe deeper when appropriate.

Dont be afraid, its the one place in life  you can be truly honest. Theres no come back, no retribution. Youre in a safe place.

Think about why you cant speak about these things. Is it guilt ? shame? Trust? Fear? Tell them why you cant open up. Why you feel so uncomfortable?

Best of luck Hazy

He talks more than me, I don't have space to say anything and it has been 18 months. I am going to ask again to see someone else.

Or it can be good to work on resilience because if you build on that it really helps for a time in the future where you might be able to find some form of trauma therapy. Building on resilience can help with day-to-day life too.

How it is that done?

You don't have to talk about the traumatic incidents all the time, you can talk about the consequences of it, or about anything you like, even stay silent if you don't feel like talking.

Do you have a good relationship with your therapist?

I don't know if it is good or bad, I just don't like talking to him about my things. But I don't like to talk with anyone about them 

I have never understad,

Do I have to talk about trauma?

My psychotherapist is a talk therapist, the only I can get. He is not bad but I don't see any improvment about CPTSD...

I remember reading in the Pete Walker book that the normal consequences of the flight type was obsessions and of the freeze was dissociation, but when taken to the extreme they could lead to mood episodes or psychosis.

Has enyone experienced this?

it's OK to want to smile and feel good about receiving some validation while at the same time being unsettled by it Nevish.  It's new and weird but wonderful at the same time and can take some time to get used to.  When I first started posting at OOTF our sister site I felt so incredibly vulnerable it was all I could do to go back,  but it got easier over time when I realized the kindness, support and validation were heartfelt and genuine, and that I deserved to allow that into my life.   You deserve it too, we all do 

Thank you for... I don't know how to say it. I always feel I am faking CPTSD so validation can hurt, but what you said make me feel, calmer?

Hello Nevish, welcome to OOTS. I am so glad you found us. 


We may not have all the answers, but there's loads of understanding and support here.
WOW! Look at all those interests: studying pharmacology, learning languages and philosophy. Fantastic!  Following your heart, doing what feels right for you... that's the right thing. 

Thank you, a year ago I didn't do basically anything, but now I have found feeding one's brain is helpful for anxiety, you see other realities that were different from the ones you lived, and seeing that difference makes me feel safer, not all the World is how I lived it the first years. I might open a topic about all the things I find helpful, with photos maybe...

I am a fighter, who survived, and have achieved a lot with nobody helping me.

Now I have a therapist who is also my psychiatrist as a guide...

Great stuff, Nevish!  You're doing really well.

Thank you, as I ofter feel I don't do enough it is enormously validating.
I keep passing examns and I have the final ones in 15days.

I know all about the isolation, Nevish, and then blaming ourselves for it: I must be the horrible person my mother said I was, because no one seems to like me. Then I realised I had always isolated myself, and I'd done that because I was already convinced my mother was right, BUT it wasn't true! Now I can cautiously meet people and talk to them.

I'm sorry no one listened to you for all those years. We will listen here on the forum. 

Thank you, .. I can relate to what your mother said. Mine usually told me I was evil and attention seeker, so any time something minimally happened I thought I was evil and an attention seeker. This is why It took me 1.5years to openly talk to my therapist, I thought he would believe I was lying for attention.

Thank you for the hugs, I give it one to you too, because what your mother told you was horrible too

I learnt from books, games, TV series... they were my masters and friends.

I didn't matter to anyone, even my 3 years older brother told me to be normal to don't hurt our mother.


But poetry understood me, science made me stronger. Knowledge is power.

Literature and science are my true parents.

Hatred was deep in my heart, and my fantasy was killing them before I got killed. I hated humanity, deeply hate them all... until I met kidness and understanding from another human being, a woman I even didn't know her name. It was short, but powerful enough, and with this and poetry I felt more human, and less murderous. It was when I was 12. It saved my future.

[Sexual abuse]

Sexual abuse

There is not much to say, it when from I was around 3 to when I was around 9, by my father.

Even if I bleed, and I had to be taken to the doctor at 4-5 years old, there was not help. I only remember the pain, blood, and desperation. If I looked for my mother, she screamed at me to return to my room, and if I didn't she hit me.

So I learnt, pretty early, she would never protect me, she didn't care.


She only cared about her social status, that's why she wanted me to look normal to the outside world and stop telling things to teacher, ignoring my pain, causing more pain.

[This is regarded as equivalent to Complex PTSD.]

I won't write this in a way it makes sense, I will put, when I remember, all the things that lead my psychiatrist to diagnose me with complex PTSD or formally on ICD-10 as

Enduring Personality Change After Catastrophic Experience.

The current ICD-10 includes a diagnosis of Enduring Personality Change After Catastrophic Experience (EPCACE) in the Disorders of adult personality and behavior section. This is regarded as equivalent to Complex PTSD.[3]

Code F62.0
"Enduring personality change may follow the experience of catastrophic stress. The stress must be so extreme that it is unnecessary to consider personal vulnerability in order to explain its profound effect on the personality. Examples include concentration camp experiences, torture, disasters, prolonged exposure to life-threatening circumstances (e.g. hostage situations - prolonged captivity with an imminent possibility of being killed). Post-traumatic stress disorder (F43.1) may precede this type of personality change, which may then be seen as a chronic, irreversible sequel of stress disorder. In other instances, however, enduring personality change meeting the description given below may develop without an interim phase of a manifest post-traumatic stress disorder.
However, longterm change in personality following short-term exposure to a lifethreatening experience such as a car accident should not be included in this category, since recent research indicates that such a development depends on a pre-existing psychological vulnerability." [2]:163

Introduction and physical abuse

My list of sins:

• I was born.
  
• I didn't submit myself.
  
• I didn't believe their lies, I refuse to play their games.
  
  

The family. One father, One mother. Three sibilings, my sister 3 years younger, my brother 3 years older, my other brother 10 years older. I don't know too much about my oldest brother since he went away when I was 6-8 and never saw  him again until I was 14, and it was for few minutes.

My sister. She was my mother's princes. She suffered emotional neglect and emotional abuse when I wasn't ''available'', she ended up developing a dependant relationship with our mother and borderline traits. My mother gave she love only when she wanted to, so my sister constantly was looking for it.
My 3 year older brother, was the perfect boy. He suffered emotional neglect and emotional abuse when not being perfect, ended up developing a narcisistic personality.
I don't know what my oldest brother place was.
I was the scapegoat. Everything was my fault, everything I did was evil, I only deserved punishment, I was a liar, I was born to destroy the family and my mother, according to her. The reality is I didn't play their games and resist to the point of ending up being hitten with a riding crop.

Until I was 11 years old, when I said what I thought, I was hitten, when I express feelings, I was hitten, when I did something my mother considered abnormal, I was hitten, when she was distressed by any reason, I was hitten, when I did something in front of her, even if it just was drinking water, there  was a chance of getting hitten with the riding crop without a rational reason.

Self control. I am stoic. I feel, only inside. You will never see me, I became a ghost who silently opposed to the family system.

Even if I was nothing, I still got hitten when my mother had a bad day at work, or without anything related to me, because if something bad happened to her, it was because I wished it to happened, so according to her logic I must be punished.

Every year I was in a different school, every time I told teachers, every time they called my parents, every time they punished me for making people think they were bad parents, and told me to be normal outside.

I had good grades, I was tested for giftedness, and was said I was profundly gifted. Teachers were worried about me being too isolated, but they never were too worried to do something about it since I had good grades and didn't bother them during classes. Later I was missdiagnosed with autism since I barely talked and didn't relate to other people.

My parents decided to go to another country when I was 11, and again when I was 13. I learnt the new language, and still was isolated, teachers thought it was because I couldn't communicate with my peers, until they found out I already spoke their language to a decent level, so I told them the true, and happened the same, always the same. They called my parents, my parents were angry because I made people think they were bad parents. That's all. Until... psychiatrist poped out, and became to diagnose me a ton of things I didn't have but were a result of the abuse, like depression or panic disorder, and ignored when I told them about the abuse. I reported my parents to the police, and was ignored, naughty child, you must have done something bad, was what they said. I hated all of them, I wanted to be safe, even if that meant killing them all. ''Kill them all to be safe, before they kill you'' it is what my mind says when I have a bad flashback.



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Thank you, I just don't know what to say, you all are being really kind, and I tend to avoid kidness because it makes me feel I was in a bad position and therefore vulnerable, but at the same time I like validation 

Nevish you have come to the right place if you are looking for people to help support and guide you. If you are a hug kind if person I am sending many your way . If you are not I am right there with you. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and "doing things right". You got yourself out of a bad situation, have food, a roof over your head, and are moving on with your life. That takes courage and bravery, and I am proud of you for that.

As far as disclosing to your therapist how you feel, that can take time. You can tell him as much as you are ready to, you never have to say any more. I know if he is any good he will respect that and also be able to sense your boundaries. It helps me to remember that my T has chosen to heal people for a living, and that they tend to have very good intentions and alot of love in their heart for people. It is easier to open up to them once you can grow to trust that they have your best interest. If you are nervous about it, maybe talk to your T about how you might get over that hurdle.

I am so glad you found this page, and hope it brings you help. I am also very new to here but just in the last few days I have felt nothing but kindness from everyone here.

Thank you really much, your words are so kind...

I  hope I can help people too, normally I am not good at it since it seems if I am not having flashbacks I am psychotic...

Hi,

I was born in a dysfunctional family. Lived in 3 different countries and up to 14-15 places because of my parents inestability. I suffered from neglect, physical, emotional and sexual abuse from them.

I was told by my psychiatrist I have what is known as complex ptsd and schizophrenia. I don't take meds for schizophrenia, only klonopin and gabapentin for sleep. Psychiatrist, psychologist, and similar professionals made everything worse when I was a kid by drugging me and diagnosing me a ton of stuff I didn't have because they didn't look at my environment, they even acused me of lying. I reported my parents as a minor but wasn't believed. I asked for help in every school I was but nobody did anyhing... everybody, the system, failed me.

I left my parents house when I became 18, entered college and live by my own. I am really poor, but I have somewhere to sleep and food to eat. I study pharmacy at college, I am in my second year, what moves me is how much I hate biologist psychiatry which blamed me and told me I was insane while it was my parents abusing me.

Right now I deal with lonliness, I never could make any friend from changing school, city and even country too frequently... and here I am alone. I deal with lack of meaning in my life... propose, and reward... I don't feel the reward from my efforts...

I am 20 years old. Love rpg videogames, love pharmacology, vegetables, reading poetry, philosophy and learning languages. I am a fighter, who survived, and have achieved a lot with nobody helping me.

Now I have a therapist who is also my psychiatrist as a guide... but I don't know how to ask him, how to tell him how lost I feel, any input of how desclosing feeling lost and confused and wanting to know what or how much doing would be appreciated... also, I don't know if I am doing things right in life, or what that even mean,