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Thanks for the welcome, Kizzie.  I think I've now read every post on this forum.  Yes, I belong here.  You've certainly made therapy and meds sound appealing.    Honestly though, if meds could interrupt the storms that get triggered, that would be amazing.

I ordered the book and will start reading shortly.

Thank you so much for the kind words, dear.  I appreciate them.

For some reason, meditation is triggery for me.  I think it's because I don't see a difference so I feel like I must be doing something wrong. 

If anyone ever "yells" at me, I'm done.  With the exception of my husband and my boss, if someone "yells" at me, I will never trust them again. 

Kizzie - you make me want to drink more and crash hard so I can make the progress you are! I could really *feel* a lot of what you said.  Thank you for sharing.

Ok, I think the emotional storm I was caught up in has passed a bit.  Sorry my introduction was so crazy.  I do think I belong here.  I hope you'll accept me.

It's been suggested to me before that I have PTSD.  I had a difficult childhood.  I'm afraid to share my story in case anyone I know ever saw it.  I got married shortly after leaving home.  The man was a hard core narcissist.  I left when I realized that if I did not, I would lose myself completely.  I married again a couple years later.  I would guess he is also a narcissist, but he is less obvious and more passive aggressive.  We're still together after 20 years.  I have lost myself. 

I feel hopeless that anything will ever get better.  I have no joy anymore.  I have no reason to live.  I have reasons to not die.  If I keep myself busy, I don't cry.  But there are fewer and fewer things I enjoy doing.  I would rather be alone than anything.  Life is so much easier when you don't have to be around other people.  I'm fine at work - superficial friendships are easy. 

But the flip side is that I want to so so so badly to be loved.  I want someone to care enough to help me out of this hole.   To love me enough that I can trust them enough to open up.  I want someone to love me enough to not think I'm crazy.  I'm not crazy. 

I probably sound crazy.  Ha.  I probably am.  But I do know that I've been through a lot.  I've been through so much that I trust no one with my heart or soul. 

And I chase people away.  I know I do.  If they think I have bad intentions or a bad attitude, I get pissed and write them off. 

I'm rambling.  And sounding crazy.  I'm in a really bad place and trying to make sense.  But I'm so desparate and lonely.

Yes, I have tried therapy.  I feel like my people pleasing gets in the way.  I don't want them to be mad that I'm not making progress.  I don't want to go back if I'm doing well and then fall down again.  And I definitely don't want meds again.  They don't help...just make me numb and tired.

I've been everything to everyone.  I've tried to make everyone happy.  I don't need to get back what I give out.  But I sure would like to be heard.  To be treated with kindess, politeness, respect.

I don't know that I will ever be "ok" enough to actually maintain a normal relationship.