Messages

Hello Ellis,
Wonderful artwork! Thank you for sharing! Granted it's been a few months but it is my first time seeing them. I especially like the blending of the magical with the serenity of the nature scenes.
Nice images for my brain to remember to show me in my dreams as I get ready to call it a day.

hello Oscen,
I have never "I Ching'ed" however I too turn to various spiritual outlets to try and make sense of a life that has not! I guess I use it (them) as self-soothing because unfortunately when my overthinking relentless thoughts gain momentum darkness/pain and sadness engulf me. I have several oracle decks that I choose a card from. Sacred Traveler, Healing With the Angels or a Druid Animal Oracle Deck.  When I do decide to pull a card (or cards) it seems to open the gateway to noticing (mindfulness?) any thing that happens or that I encounter that validates the cards message. It certainly helps me to approach my day/life with a brighter mindset, otherwise it can quickly sink into a mind bog cesspool.
In the city where I live there is a beautiful wood inlaid Labyrinth that the cathedral opens up once a month for the community to walk it. They light candles and play gregorian type of quiet music and it is a extremely personal and peaceful time, or not, as unfortunately I have gone to walk it and wound up sniffling (quiet crying?) as I walk. The cool thing is it is not a maze just a circle. I also feel gratitude to live in a beautiful forest with many lovely birds and squirrels who also touch my soul...as well as my pocketbook since they EXPECT sunflower seeds and unsalted peanuts if they see me. On that note I am going to check out I Ching and I also think it's great when we can find comfort in the mystical and magical that surrounds us.

Bienvenido Maximo!
May you find comfort on this forum like I have...
I found that this CPTSD journey that I got dealt very early in life is a bit easier to manage with the kindred spirits here at OOTS.

Dear Sceal,
I totally get it with living with fear. Speaking for myself, I feel deep frustration when I am immobilized by it, adding to the intensity of the fearful feelings instead of accomplishing a I-am-moving-forward agenda.    This poem has been my "go to chant" for more years than I would like to recall and I look forward to the day when I do not need to bring it to the fore-front of my brain to help me navigate the dark waters of being alone and fearful. It was written by William Ernest Henley (1849-1903) and is titled Invictus
"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul."

Sceal you deserve restorative rest! May it find you.

thank you woodsgnome for sharing this. I have been on auto-pilot basically my whole life to go to that too familiar dark place of shame to justify my (past and present)  traumatizers.

Hello Anem,
I do not post often, however frequently visit OOTS as I find comfort, wisdom and a feeling of being understood with the challenges I face when it seems that "triggers" are waiting for me at every corner along my path. I wanted to take a moment to cheer you on! One foot in front of the other, step by step you are walking AWAY from the muck that you know has not been a life that was worth investing all of your precious spirit and time on. "They" say that solutions and help come to us when we open ourselves and trust in the process. The problem I  :thumbup:find with that line of thinking is that, (and I am speaking from my own experiences) it is hard to visualize anything other than pain and distrust. You deserve a life worth living and it is so brave of you to go forth to find it! I am just now realizing that I can believe in mySELF and not leave my peace of mind and well-being up to anyone else. I will be zooming confident thoughts to you that life will begin to provide stepping stones to help you with your journey out of the muck.

Woodsgnome,
As always your keen writing ability articulates your thoughts so clearly on your posts.
Anger. 
I have been really struggling with it, especially these last couple of days. Perhaps it  might not have to get so intense if I would just acknowledge its presence? I direct any and all negative feelings, especially anger, inward. Nothing like feeling that way over and over and over...
Thank you for sharing.

  awesome on going on a walk...that is such a great way to reinforce that you are moving forward! And yes on the taking it "one day at a time" speaking for myself, sometimes it might only be one hour at a time or even less, however I have come to celebrate any time spent not being stuck in my own darkness. Well done! And welcome to  OOTS  !

Hello goblinchild,
Speaking for myself, it has been a rough road when it comes to diagnosis's (is that even a word?  )  that have been bequeathed to me over the years. CPTSD was/is spot on for me, which only came up within the last couple of years. Manic Depressive/Bi-Polar was the first "label" that my family in particular liked because it made me seem like the one causing any and all of the negative commotion in my life. The problem with that, or any incorrect diagnosis, is that often times the meds prescribed only add to the CPTSD symptoms. I do not know how I slipped under the radar for ADHD testing, and it was only when my guru psy. nurse actually listened to my frustrations of wanting to practice and use some of the skills I learned after a year of attending a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) Institute (twice a week WITH homework for ONE year) Oh yea, I was also mis-diagnosed with having Borderline Personality Disorder.
OK this is getting a bit lengthy. So! with the diagnosis of ADHD and CPTSD and some stellar medications I now (for the most part) can at least slow down my reactions to triggers. I finally sleep better and can actually focus for more than 5 minutes which has helped my sometimes very low self esteem. What I like is that the combination of meds that I do take do not feel like I am being medicated. Does that make sense?  I do NOT like medications and much prefer healthy eating/practicing mindfulness and hanging out with animals and trees.  They (the meds) have helped me to be able to do more of the things that I love and not lose as much time from my "episodes".  I would also have to say that I am probably still alive because of the meds for my ADHD helping to slow down my trigger-finger.
Sending positive thoughts to surround you as you investigate this further.

I am so thankful for this forum and each one of you for sharing. It helps tremendously to know I am not alone with my strong reactions to the present political climate.  A co-worker of mine (female) wanted to talk about the testimony.  I did not listen to it, for many reasons, but thought I should let her share her observations and feelings. I really did not think that I would get so triggered by what she had to say.  She started saying that to her she thought the judge was very adamant and believable, and that the woman could not be more specific with her details so she was probably making some of it up! I could not control my self and so looked at her directly and asked if or how many times she had been sexually assaulted. She knew very little of my history, so I blurted out about what it's like to try and live a life worth living while carrying trauma within our bodies. I did not mean to do be so blunt, however I was shocked at her reaction! Anyway, I AM grateful for each and every person who participates in this healing space, reminding  me that I am not alone and that there are (unfortunately too many) souls out there who "get it" and understand. 

mourningme and everyone else who has joined in this conversation of understanding what it feels like to be weary of the journey. I find myself in that dark space much too often as well, and it is not a subject that is easily shared and/or understood by others. I lived on an island in Alaska for some time and one of the challenges was being able to actually fly in to or leave. Kodiak would often get "socked in" (our expression for no sun and some massively thick low cloud cover) It was beyond frustrating knowing that planes could neither come or go and that above the dense cloud cover there was a sun. It could go on for weeks.  Being "socked in". I liken my darker thoughts to that. A small part of me knows that the sun is still out there...somewhere... but in the meantime all one can do is hunker down and wait it out.

Hello Woodsgnome,
Just wanted to send you some healing thoughts to help replace the  and that can invade our calm when we least expect it and are triggered (happens much too often to me when reading the news!)

(speaking for myself, a good, from the ragged depths of my soul    sometimes can help me to hang tight until my storm of thoughts/feelings passes)

Hello Morning,
Thought I would throw in my own experience of the (mis) diagnosis of BPD. The years of wrong meds/judgements (from that diagnosis) and also my total inability to figure out how to live a life worth living (got that from a DBT Institute I went to) made me one very exhausted traveler.  I agree that a label can be a huge handicap and if it is a incorrect one, then it can make a person's life all the worse. My psy nurse sorted out (and was shocked that no one else had before) that not only did I have CPTSD but add in ADHD and I have a brain that has me zoo-zooming even before I realized that it had been triggered. With the proper meds, my "fight or flight" response stands a wee better chance of my dealing with my reactions. Diagnosis's can be helpful...or not, especially if they are not correct. Good luck and listen to that inner voice of yours!  I toted along the incorrect BPD diagnosis for far too long.

Kalmer,

Thank you both for hearing me. I managed not to sh, slept a while instead. Can breath again now, feeling okay again. Apologies for my outburst.

Fellow Traveler, I have spent my whole life (up until now) apologizing for??? me? my feelings? You have not one thing, zero, that's right nada, to apologize for.
You are a warrior spirit who has heard your own cry, and that, to me, inspires mySELF to hear my own silent screams.
Rest and grow stronger. And good work on the SH, I too, often resort to that in hopes to ease up the pain in my heart (ironic isn't it?)
Sending you intergalactic, comforting "I get it" thoughts and a virtual

Kalmer, I heard it as well.
YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE.
Woodsnome, you are able to articulate so well, and I totally agree that by posting here, it does un-silence that scream. Tears are felt here as well.
I often come to this forum when I am overwhelmed with all that is me and feeling like I am Nothing. A Mistake.
Screaming can be good. Tears as well. They are healing when we are able to validate that pain instead of denying it and hoping it will quietly go away. Sharing our stories with souls who "get it" helps that validation become even stronger, and less painful.
I heard you and my heart now holds you in a special place of wishing you light filled healing.