Messages

Hi solongStockolm,
Yes I'm sure your parents did the best they could with what they knew at the time. However that in no way negates the damage that was done to you, nor the emotional development you missed out on. It takes time to rebuild that.
Don't know how long you have been in therapy, do know the path we tread is not like a highway, we never seem to go straight to the destination, even if we think we know it. Our journey is a long one of self discovery. Some times we sprint, we have ah ah moments, at others we have to sit, feel, contemplate, learn, consolidate, process, grieve and move on another step. I find the times when I seem to be getting nowhere the most painful of all. Though I am learning that these times often come before another break through, if I can just sit with the discomfort.
"Sometimes I slip, sometimes I fall. I get up, first on one knee, then the other. I walk on. That's the way it is." (Anon)

Hello TiredOfitall,
you write beautifully. So well that it was therapeutic for me to read, thankyou . Sounds like the hurt little child is well on the path to being a healthy adult survivor. Awesome.

We didn't choose this, we don't continue to hold on to the past. It holds on to us. (Three Roses)

This morning I felt strong enough and thought I would not be triggered by viewing some pictures of a past love. Well that was another mistake. I know our time is finished though I still care deeply.

Manchesterford is it not so much that there is no one there? Or maybe the ones we want to be there, never will be and may never have been, that is so hard to accept.

Hope your mum is up and well soon. 

Lost my way a little in the lead up to Christmas. Not my favorite time. Thought I would check the forum. Now I feel connected again. Thanks to all. 

A huge thank you to everyone on this thread. Although it makes me cry it is so validating for me to hear of the honesty of your struggles. Sometimes it is crushing for me to converse with people who solidly wear their mask (in my own life). Here on the forum people may be at different stages, sometimes needing support, at others giving it, however to realize I am not alone today is enough. Can't thank you enough. 

Hi Three Roses, I'm so sorry you have had to experience this treatment. Sadly it is so common, here in Aus anyway. Most of our training in the mental health industry doesn't even require we have our own therapy, hence many therapists not having dealt with their own issues, and this is usually ongoing, get blown away by the intensity of our stories and complex emotions and coping behaviors. No "quick fix ten session therapy" for us I'm afraid. To cope their empathy is restricted, we get the feeling of not being heard, understood, cared about nor supported. Pretty much a re-run of past life.

If I could make a suggestion when sounding out a new therapist, if you don't get the gut feeling that they understand you as much as the people on this forum, then perhaps be cautious in your decision.

Sorry to be so "heady" though what you have been subjected to is so ignorant, arrogant unprofessional and unnecessary and that makes me angry. Good luck with the search you deserve the best.

Hi Hardtolove13,
Really happy you found OOTS and welcome. As radical said many of us initially minimize or struggle to comprehend the importance and degree of the abuse we suffered. It's not something that we really can compare nor do we need to. How it effected/effects us individually is exactly how it has effected us and that's what we work to change. Feeling used, abused and abandoned and a whole lot of other, at times, confusing feelings and emotions is typical of CPTSD.
I really benefit from the posts here and I sincerely hope you will also. Glad you're here.

Love your work Pam particularly the dogs for me. You seem to have captured very strong emotion in the eyes. Love that

Thank you all.
The suggestion to start small seems obvious now that I know . I love dancing and have danced for over ten years until I met a a person whom I believed felt the way I did. Short story is three years later they danced on, eventually, with the new partner and I collapsed in a heap of self pity, grief, confusion and shame for nearly three years. Thanks to therapy, this site, reading lots and buckets of tears, I'm coming to understand the why's of it all (CPTSD) yet could not move on dancing. Thinking/feeling starting small may be the answer. Certainly hope so. Thankyou all for contributing, it helps expand my world. 

Hello and welcome joyful ,
Everything you have said will make perfect sense to the good people on this forum. I've only been here a short while and it really helps to discuss and read others posts. I'm sorry you are going through a tough period. I trust as you discover more you will understand that how you are feeling is a result of what's happened to you and that there is much you can do.
I admire your courage

Hello tyy,
Sorry for your pain and sadness. Not sure putting your heart into the relationship was a mistake or clumsy although after we do these things it sure feels like it. I'm just beginning to understand that my last (now ended) relationship started well because I did most of the listening and travelling. Sadly, when I needed support, "I was pouring my heart out". Can't speak for you though I know if I can't have open communication then I'm right back where I was as  a child. Unseen and unheard and I'm not going back there. You are entitled to be seen and heard.

I can identify and agree with all the above. The intrusive memories seem to pop up without great emotion, especially initially. Then it seems to gradually unfold as EF's and all the emotions, confusion and craziness gradually drags me back to the underlying intrusive memory. Current example is the rejection by a person I care deeply about linking to a time, when as a very young child, I was in physical pain and my mother looked down to me and didn't know how to, or was unable respond. (Thankfully another lady stepped in, boy did I want to go and live with them). Now I'm beginning to link the pains of the past to the pains of today. Pain is pain though understanding it sure helps to quieten the crazies. Love your work people! Thank you. 

Thank you. Yes I think it is the combination of all. Your understanding and support is very much appreciated.

Hi to all, have been watching forum for a few days. Is it normal to cry every time I read some posts? Think it is because the realization there are so many people like me (CPTSD) who face the seemingly endless struggle to cope yet somehow find the will to do so. Struggling with the fact I most likely was in a relationship with NPD. At times the confusing feelings and emotions are overwhelming, think this may be due to contradictions and lies. Appreciate comments.