Messages

Today it is all about the guilt. My son has just hauled out the Christmas tree.
I've eaten too many carbs already (I'm type 2 diabetic and am having a hard time lately with my blood sugar)
Both husband and i are on the screens too much.
He's doing the dishes, which he does not mind doing. I feel guilty because when he does stuff like doing the dishes, it makes me think that I'm not doing my share.
I'm still in bathrobe and PJs. Lazy.
I need to put away the laundry. It's still down here in the living room.
And I need to plan meals but meal planning when you're already exhausted and overwhelmed is just too hard. EVERYTHING IS TOO HARD.

I know the feeling. I have that label and it feels so personal.

We had a woman from church over for Thanksgiving and had a good time with her. She said she had a good time with us.

I had therapy today and yelled.
Therapist agreed that what was going on was insane.
I agree in the US, what we're dealing with is "horrifically inhuman."
And hugs are OK.

I'm so ashamed.
I haven't been here in a long time and now I come back with my tail between my legs because I'm having a severely hard time coping.
I've been through a three-day nightmare with our Social Security system. I can't get into my son's account (I'm his legal guardian and he's disabled), called Social Security, called the login services, did an in-person visit, created a new account, and STILL can't get in.
I have another in person visit scheduled for JANUARY. This is insane.
I think I had a breakdown last week.
And over the last decade, I've had the rug ripped out from under me. I've questioned everything, lost people, want to escape but CAN'T, and I'm really at the point where I do not know what to do. Or if I do anything, I fear it will not work.

[WHO CAN I TRUST?]

Been a while since I've been here . . . unfortunately, I've fallen into the hole of depression. I'm in the USA and all you have to do is check the news to see why. I'm silently screaming and typing in all caps, bold, italic font: WHO CAN I TRUST?

And lately, it seems like the answer is, "few!"
As much as I love my husband, I feel like in some discussions, he plays Perry Mason to my Hamilton Burger. (Go Google them both if you don't know who I'm talking about.  ) I can't hold a conversation if I feel like I have to talk like a lawyer.
 

: waving : Right now I'm doing writing and trying to get a handle on the house!

Some good news: Last Saturday I finished my VERY LAST PROOFING JOB! Since my loan debt is paid off, I don't have the need for the job anymore. So I gave my notice and I'm taking a break from paid work.

    

In the good: The student loans are PAID OFF    and as of next week, I will
no longer be proofreading.    I'm tired, burned out, and I need a break.

In the bad: I am very sad. A couple I know is leaving our church. They are going to where most of their family goes so it makes sense, but it makes me think, why make church friends if they're just going to leave?

:possible trigger for religious language:

I can't figure out gender roles in the Bible. Everyone has an answer. Everyone believes they are right and everyone can prove they're right by Scripture. I am afraid of getting it wrong and going to *. I am afraid of confiding in my BFF because I don't want to get challenged or rebuked or anything like that. We disagree on the gender roles issue and I constantly tiptoe around it because I don't want to get into a fight. I think she would be perfectly happy if I moved to her hometown and got rebaptized and attended her church and gave up on gender issues and accepted that women can't preach and women can't teach where men are present. Why do penises and testicles get priority over ovaries, Fallopian tubes, and vaginas?

Current events here are frightening. I am scared and I feel helpless. I can't figure things out. I don't know who is lying and who is telling the truth. PEOPLE CAN AND DO LIE!

Just want to sit and cry right now.

I withdrew part of my IRA to pay off student loans and I may make another withdrawal to pay them off entirely. (We have paid off credit card debt!) And my son just had a birthday. None of that makes me want to cry. But I'm just not happy with things right now. And there seems to be nothing I can do.

(possible TW: mention of tragedy, some politics)

Woke to tragic news of a plane crash this morning; there are around 60 dead near our nation's capital.
This is on top of more developments on the political front that are NOT pleasing to me.
What do you do when you just want out but there is no place to go to and your spouse doesn't see the need and your son might be affected??? I know I'm just screaming here and I don't expect an immediate answer.

In the end you made the decision to do what was in your best interests (which includes the people close to you that you care about). I think you made the right decision.
 

I appreciate that. This morning I asked my husband if he'd had any shots at his doc's visit. When he told me "shingles," that's when I figured out what happened. Many people get wiped out the day after a shingles shot. Same thing happened to me when I got my shingles shot.

Sheesh! after all the agonizing I did about the funeral, I ended up NOT going. My husband said he was "feeling strange" this morning and I was worried about him. The funeral was 45 minutes away and I didn't want to be in a position to have to make a long drive home IF something was going on.

Part of me feels like I was looking for an excuse not to go and that I ended up chickening out. And then part of me thinks that if I had gone, I would have worried the entire time. This is one of those decisions that no matter what you do, you might wish you'd done something else.

Checking in because it has not been a pleasant day in my country. I will give myself credit for ignoring the main event and not falling apart. I had a nice chat with my writers' online group and I finished proofreading for pay!

Tonight will be unpleasant outside because it's cold, but I have an electric blanket so that will help.

     

Grrr. I recently learned that the husband of our former praise team leader died.
(Content warning: Religious/Christian content)
His memorial will be in a few days and I'm debating whether to go. Many former members of my church (we dealt with a split resulting from several issues) will probably be there. one of them unfriended me back in November, citing my "liberal beliefs" and our church leadership "forcing women elders down our throats". She and I were on the praise team together and I'm pretty sure she's going to be at that funeral. I'm afraid of running into her, feeling awkward, and maybe saying things I'm going to regret. Frankly, I'm probably overthinking, but I'm been scared to the point of terror to the point of serious depression, and I should NOT have to be afraid to go to a funeral; especially when I think that the person's spouse would appreciate me being there!