Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Chart]

Hi Alliematt, first, no shame. Second, no shame. :-) I hope it's clear that that's not in any way, shape or form what "this place" is about. We're a group who tries to understand, others and ourselves. "Shame" is one of the things we struggle against and try to reduce. You don't "owe" anybody anything here. There is giving and taking, but giving is always liberating, and taking can really help. What really ends up happening is cyclical (if we really might break it down) and in the end the effects are cumulatively positive. The sum of the parts is more than the whole.

That being said, I think I know how you feel. I always feel guilt and shame when I take a break from the forum. But feeling that and being conscious of it has really helped alleviate it over the years. This forum helps me get better. So everything I "give" I get back tenfold.

I'm so sorry you're struggling. Being dependent on social services and the system not working is more than infuriating. It reduces our humanity and takes away our agency, the power we need to take care of those depending on us.

I'm not in the US for 25 years now. Similar problems occur here in France, but at the moment the US is horrifically inhuman (imo). Those suffering are those who are most vulnerable and needing support.

I have two children dependent on me and have struggled to get the necessary aid to take care of the them. The French system is quite good, but does not move quickly, is full of contradictions, poorly explained, difficult to get assistance, and does make mistakes. So not the social paradise one would dream of.

I now use artificial intelligence to help me navigate the complexities of the system. I don't know if that could be helpful for you.

Anyway, I'm sorry again for your struggles. Sending hugs and support if that's okay.
 

[alliematt]

I had therapy today and yelled.
Therapist agreed that what was going on was insane.
I agree in the US, what we're dealing with is "horrifically inhuman."
And hugs are OK.

[Chart]

Cool, sending more hugs! Glad things "moved" in therapy. Hope it was empowering in a positive way.
 

[alliematt]

We had a woman from church over for Thanksgiving and had a good time with her. She said she had a good time with us.

[Chart]

Happy to hear you had a nice Thanksgiving.
 

[alliematt]

Today it is all about the guilt. My son has just hauled out the Christmas tree.
I've eaten too many carbs already (I'm type 2 diabetic and am having a hard time lately with my blood sugar)
Both husband and i are on the screens too much.
He's doing the dishes, which he does not mind doing. I feel guilty because when he does stuff like doing the dishes, it makes me think that I'm not doing my share.
I'm still in bathrobe and PJs. Lazy.
I need to put away the laundry. It's still down here in the living room.
And I need to plan meals but meal planning when you're already exhausted and overwhelmed is just too hard. EVERYTHING IS TOO HARD.

[Chart]

Alliematt, Cptsd kicks my butt. I've basically done nothing all week. I've "rested". I too feel guilty. My daughter went off to school yesterday morning and I didn't even get out of bed. Trauma is an "energivore" it takes our little surplus energy and devours it like a ravenous monster. I've yet to find ANY short-term solution for this. For long-term healing work and energy related issues I believe in vagus nerve work. It's slow. But for me, it's having an effect. Just my two-cents. So sorry you're struggling. Sending support and hugs.