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(Dutch Uncle, I had a less severe procedure than the one you linked.  I had an ileectomy, My ileum was removed.  No ostomy bag, no change of lifestyle, just a scar.  I appreciate it though.    Another word for it is a bowel resection.  I just didn't want you to think that I had an ostomy bag when I don't, that would definitely be a different animal!)


I don't know if I'm mourning or not.  I didn't lose anything 'important,' I lost my appendix in the deal but perhaps some closure therapy wouldn't be a bad thing.  I usually know myself, but I don't know right now. 

That is awesome about the table!  Thank you for sharing.   

Sorry about shopping.  Shopping was always a rare, happy moment for me.  Sometimes though, I feel panicked going home.  I like being able to say, "No, I don't want to go home yet."

I really appreciate all of your responses, even if you do not share my beliefs... It's validating.  I often feel... inadequate, it makes me anxious.  I invalidate my own religious abuse experience! I think I should be all okay, and that is just not realistic.  (I really hope you guys don't read that as condescending  I don't mean it that way at all)   

Yeah, I can read people to.  It's almost creepy.  I also test as INFJ.  But it isn't just unsafe people for me.  I can see so much about people, and places in a brief interaction, and it's overwhelming.  A friend moved into my apartment complex, and I made her a wall hanging that perfectly matched her color scheme, and style, when I had only been in her apartment one.  time.     When I was younger I could only read other females, but I can read men to now. 

 

I have a compulsive behavior as well... Not even sure what to call it, but I pick at my cuticles.  Like, I have done it since I was 5 years old.  The sides of my thumbs are calloused, and I draw blood quite often.  I don't do it to cause pain to myself.  I don't even feel it, or realize I'm doing it, but it drives my husband crazy.  But it's coping, for sure.  Never talked to a doctor about it, but I definitely know it has to do with trauma

I had an ileectomy over a month ago (I have Chron's disease).  I'm not in pain.  But I am so.  Freaking.  Depressed.  No one reached out to me, during the first week or two when I was home all alone, and I just... shut down.  I know I'm not okay, I know I need to talk, and get a hug.  But I feel like I've already slammed the door shut, and cemented it closed.  I don't understand why this is happening.  People have even apologised, but I'm still just - I don't want them.  I'm so sick of begging. 

I straight up have Chron's disease that has almost claimed my life.  Yeeaaaahhhh... Anxiety makes it worse, depression makes it worse, CPTSD makes it horrible sometimes.  I just had bowel resection surgery, and I take a chemotherapy called Remicade. 

I did a similar thing...  My parents always s*** on everything I did.  It was never good enough.  It's painful, to do art for just yourself.  For me, it really helped to make my environment beautiful.  But it's still hard.  I still haven't written the story I've wanted to for almost 20 years.   

Sliding.
Slowly. 
Down, down, down.
"Help me!" I scream to the crowd.
They stand all around, but I am alone. 
The crevice gets deeper, and ever steeper. 
"Do you not see this?" I screech to the crowd,
"That all my world is crashing down?"
I grasp the rope, that is reality,
my skin burns, and aches with frailty. 
Falling.
Down. 
Again.
For the thousandth time. 
The darkness encloses.
I walk out again. 
"We missed you!" says the crowd, "where have you been?"
My skin cracks from the tears as I say nothing,
I smile, I say nothing. 
The keepers of the rope bandage my hands,
loving scolding,
loving embraces. 

Maybe tomorrow the hole won't find me.
Maybe one day the rope won't hold me. 
Some day this world won't hold me. 

I can't seem to shake the feeling that someone is going to come out of nowhere and shun, shame, and reject me.  Does this happen to anyone else? like it's exhausting. Every thing I do on this site even, and every other interaction, or non interaction, I feel like it's being scrutinized, and judged.  It.  Is.  Beyond.  Exhausting.  It's in my nightmares, it's always a question on my lips, "Did I speak okay?" even though I always try to be kind, honest, and gentle, I feel like someone is going to "out" me and ruin my life.  Even though I hide nothing!   

Anyone else deal/dealt with this?     

Dutch Uncle, I understand your father, somewhat.  After I became a Christian, I started doing a lot of Bible reading, and studying.  But without balance, Bible study can become... toxic, I became a total jerk to my sisters, while presenting a great "holy" face at school.  I read the Bible with a mental check list of all the ways I was evil, ways I had to change myself, and ways to reinforce my own self righteousness.  My whole "religion" was based on how I thought people viewed me, and not what the Bible says.  When somebody cut me down, I lost everything.  I stopped reading, and praying, and worshipping, and everything else.  It's taken me a very long time to undo some of the damage.  But I realized that I read the Bible all wrong, I viewed God all wrong.  I had no friends, I had no healthy relationships, I was in an abusive home, and my view of a paternal figure was beyond messed up.           

theaquarist, I used to struggle a lot with being a woman in Christianity.  Felt like I was lesser, and it made me resentful, and angry.  Which was made even more difficult having what is described as "gifts more befitting a man" in some circles; teaching, wisdom, and pastoring...  In addition to my upbringing, that made me embarrassed of my femininity, I struggled a lot with my identity as being born XX.  I hated God for it at times.  I finally came out to a few people as being Gender Fluid.  But I had to choose, and I have to choose every day, whether I am going to honor my vows to my husband, and the vows I made before God... That may sound super weird.  But I tell you my story, to tell you that there are people, who like God, love you where you're at.  I screw up, all the freaking time.  I struggle with accepting how God made me, and all I've been through.  But, slowly I'm seeing how God allowed me to be raised so masculine, so I can actually appreciate feminity in a new way, and see how beuatiful it actually is... Not the burden I thought it was. 

What does staying devout in my church help with?

Relationship.  My abuse was relationship based, from my parents, and through my church I have new mothers and fathers.  It's redemptive.  It's pushed me, with my anxiety, and given me the peace when I just couldn't do it.  I almost had to leave church this morning, because the speaker was too loud. 

What throngs (things?) do you still enjoy?

I'm not terribly sure really.  The church I grew up in, and how I viewed it, is so different now.  But I've always enjoyed intellectual discussion. 

Hmm.  I relate a little bit I think. 

My Oocyte Donor would always tell me that I was making everyone else miserable.  That I was selfish, and that all I wanted to do was to cause others pain.     Yeah.  That's what caused my disassociation.  It was "selfish" and "evil" to share my emotions, so I didn't.  Gaslighting, I think is the term?   A lot of people had to tell me a million times that I'm caring, and generous, for me to believe it.  I can be a bit dramatic now, by my Oocyte's standards, but that's who I am    and the people who love me, love me anyway.   

I drink a lot of Earl Grey tea.  Which has caffeine, but doesn't make me nearly as amped as coffee does.  Straight up green tea upsets my stomach for some reason, so it's black tea, mixes, and herbals for me.  But a lovely hot cup of tea calms me right down 

When I'm angry it's a lot of "Demon Hunter." 

Most of the time though, when I'm having a rough time I listen to "Fly Leaf."  My favorite song by them is, "Fire, Fire." (may be triggering if you have problems with your paternal figure, or your abuse was caused by alcoholic(s))

Bastille's, "Things We Lost in the Fire," is a great song to.