Messages

Thank you for the welcome Big Blue.

Greetings, I am searching for answers as I try to address my current mental health issues which lead me to CPTSD. I wasn't sure if there were others out there, but searched and found this forum. For which I am grateful. I am starting to get a sense that my current behavior and struggles have steamed from some deeply seated emotional abuse and neglect. I am beginning to feel hopeless and doomed as I search for my "AH-HA" moment and awaken from ignorance. I chose the name because I feel like self reflection is a very necessary, yet seemingly impossible task for me to begin healing, moving forward, and freedom. When you were lead to believe you are a monster, deprived of any sense of self, looking within would surely be unsafe, regardless of what potentially good parts are there. Some of my memories are core wounds and I have done some therapy work. A lot of my childhood memories are unclear or forgotten. Briefly, I had a mother who was Bipolar I, handicapped and both verbally and emotionally abused and abusive. I had a father who was loving, yet passive when it came to protection. I am thankful my caregivers are no longer alive to reinforce the inherited behavior. I have been hospitalized 3 times in my life. Once at 14, once at 20, and once at 45. I am looking for resources for treatment. What also seems to be a challenge is that my MO is to try and force/bully myself into making positive change. Thank you for being present and sharing your stories.