New Member Intro

[SelfReflectionPhobic]

Greetings, I am searching for answers as I try to address my current mental health issues which lead me to CPTSD. I wasn't sure if there were others out there, but searched and found this forum. For which I am grateful. I am starting to get a sense that my current behavior and struggles have steamed from some deeply seated emotional abuse and neglect. I am beginning to feel hopeless and doomed as I search for my "AH-HA" moment and awaken from ignorance. I chose the name because I feel like self reflection is a very necessary, yet seemingly impossible task for me to begin healing, moving forward, and freedom. When you were lead to believe you are a monster, deprived of any sense of self, looking within would surely be unsafe, regardless of what potentially good parts are there. Some of my memories are core wounds and I have done some therapy work. A lot of my childhood memories are unclear or forgotten. Briefly, I had a mother who was Bipolar I, handicapped and both verbally and emotionally abused and abusive. I had a father who was loving, yet passive when it came to protection. I am thankful my caregivers are no longer alive to reinforce the inherited behavior. I have been hospitalized 3 times in my life. Once at 14, once at 20, and once at 45. I am looking for resources for treatment. What also seems to be a challenge is that my MO is to try and force/bully myself into making positive change. Thank you for being present and sharing your stories.

[TheBigBlue]

Welcome 
I'm really glad you found this space. What you shared about trying to make sense of old patterns really resonated. Realizing that current struggles trace back to emotional abuse or neglect can feel clarifying and overwhelming at the same time. My own realization is fairly recent.

Growing up with a parent who was both hurting and hurtful, and another who couldn't protect you, leaves deep wounds and confusion about safety and self-worth. And the instinct to "push" yourself into healing is something many of us here know well - it's a survival strategy that's hard to unlearn.

Thank you for sharing. I hope this forum gives you the recognition, steadiness, and community you deserve. 

[SelfReflectionPhobic]

Thank you for the welcome Big Blue.