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[Abitbroken]

Pete Walker's book "Complex CPTSD: from surviving to thriving"

I agree on this, but just to let you know Abitbroken that you can check Pete Walker's website because some of the book is there. In case you want to read around a bit before buying. You can also search his name here on our website, you'll find discussion.

Here's a thread discussing Pete Walker and emotional flashbacks, also often abbreviated on the forum to EF: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=2589.msg16300#msg16300 PLus other threads on EFs, Sticky-ied at the top: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=57.0

Thank you Blueberry - this is very helpful. I will definitely have a look and check the links out - thank you for taking the time to link this for me.

There is a lot to figure out - and it is mind boggling to me, in how I seem to relate to almost everything I have read so far, and realising that not everyone else feels and thinks this way - It has blown my mind talking to people I know that they don't feel emotions physically primarily and are able to just have a thought or a feeling and give it a label. I had absolutely no idea until this week, so it's shocked me a bit that I have wrongly assumed everyone felt the same for the past 46 years! Not realising that not everyone feels nothing or overwhelmed, not everyone has a conscience which beats them to a pulp internally... Nope

Lots to think about (well, lots MORE to loop round and round on!) Thank you for your advice - it is very much appreciated

Hi Abitbroken,
Welcome.  I hope you'll be kind to yourself, pace things, and that you and your little cat will both have some positive moments to enjoy.  Sending you a hug of support, if that's ok 

Thank you Hope67.
That is really kind of you. I will try - I do keep trying, as exhausting as it is I appreciate the hug of support, and sending one back to you from me and my cat Miki 

Hi Chart,

Thank you so much for your response, and perspective - I hadn't realised a lot of what you said, particularly

ust an observation here: no two children have the same parents. Each sibling is different (even twins). Parents are evolving people with their own history, behaviors and pathologies. And transgenerational trauma is now very well recognized. It can come down to one sibling but not others.

For theses reasons, siblings' experiences can be very different. Just because one sibling seems "normal" doesn't mean a brother or sister didn't experience something different.

This is helpful for me to consider, and is something that has been troubling me a LOT.

Self Compassion is also something that feels difficult - like I am letting myself off the hook - (The inner critical voice is very loud) but it is something I am working on.

I can feel the support/love in every response I have had, and it does make a difference. Thank you.

Sending support and hugs your way too 

Thank you - that was really kind, both of you - I guess I am at a place where I have a million questions and no answers, but I definitely feel a bit less alone, and hopefully as I figure this all out I will be able to share more and offer more.

Right now I am in what feels like a total doom loop, manage a bit of a small part of the day, think maybe this is all in my head momentarily, then bang, crushed to smithereens. I kept myself busy all day yesterday, went to bed thinking maybe it isn't that bad, then woke up soaked in sweat, with a pounding heart, from a random dream which I felt had zero context to my actual life and today back to feeling waves of pain, looping thoughts, fighting to ignore them and carry out tasks etc. It is like living in a war inside and the worst part is fighting yourself. Trying to explain this to almost anyone feels impossible, especially when you don't understand it yourself.

It sounds stupid but when I first got into my own place after the final sale etc all went through - I felt zero anything, zero emotion, total numbness - and just auto piloted.. I remember thinking - well this isn't normal, I hope i do start to feel something.. and now, what I wouldn't give for the numbness to come back!

I am hoping it will soon, it is a relief from the pain.

I downloaded Gabor Mate's "Myth of Normal", Pete Walker "Surviving to Thriving" and (not going to try and spell his name) "The Body Keeps the Score" so plenty of reading to do - which will hopefully help with the looping.

Does anyone else feel like they try so so hard to be good and kind and gentle and wonder why it is still not enough to make it better? That keeps spinning today, and maybe I am not trying hard enough.

Off to focus on my little cat now, she needs me to get myself together.

Thank you again, deeply and sincerely - I have found more help / support here than I thought possible and plenty to be getting on with.

 

A warm welcome to the forum, abitbroken! 

Thank you Blueberry 

Thank you both for your lengthy and considerate responses. It's overwhelmed me that you have both taken the time to offer support and insight.

To actually have people who understand / relate to what I am living inside, is incredibly helpful. I have been lost with trying to explain myself and not feeling totally and utterly alien to every other human, even my poor therapist - she hasn't once dismissed or made me feel bad for anything - but I do get the voice telling me "she's just being kind, it's her job, she secretly thinks X, Y, Z" I try to ignore it as much as possible as the evidence is that she is a safe person, but it get's me and adds to the list of "unhelpful" thoughts that I am continually batting away.

I am 46 and have I think I have always been this way, but recently after I ended an 18.5 year relationship (which my Therapist says was unhealthy for me and says "Coercive Control"  - which as before.. I can see logically but nothing has landed emotionally yet) and have finally got my own place again, after selling the house etc. etc. It has all gotten worse, crippling in fact. I genuinely feel like every hour (sometimes minute is a fight with whatever this is and it is exhausting). It has impacted my ability to do my job, I have had to have a lot of time off sick and am now having to work from home as the drive and all the people really are just too much. It is hard to explain to most people how flipping hard existing is living like this.

BigBlue - a lot of what you wrote really resonated, and NarcKiddo - thank you - I am not sure I have ever actually even processed that loss, so maybe that is part of it. I will check out the books, each and every one of them. Maybe an audible for bedtime.

The Death by a Thousand Cuts is eye opening.. and sad...

I appreciate all of your insights, kindness and for making me feel suddenly a lot less alone with this, thank you, deeply.

I have had a nosey around the rest of this site, and it is shockingly sad how many people are suffering, and to have somewhere to discuss any of this is incredible.

Looks like there is a long road ahead..

I wish I could offer some support back that was meaningful - but I feel like this is so new and I am undereducated. I hope that you both know you made a difference to me with your responses so thank you.

Now to "attempt" sleep  xxx

Hi NarcKiddo - thanks so much for your reply and for the information you have shared.

My therapist has said that at the minute we are focussing on the here and now, and we will have to start looking at things in the "wardrobe" at some point once things are more settled. She uses TF-CBT and we have touched on some stuff from the past, not feeling safe as a child... or ever in fact, I didn't feel loved as a kid which is weird as my brother says he did, which makes me feel worse... but glad for him of course. My mum also died when I was 13 - so I feel guilty saying I don't feel like I was loved and never felt safe or held when I know she was a good person, and I know my brother did, but that's another story.


Emotional Flashbacks - I haven't heard of that - I will certainly read up more - thanks for sharing. They are awful, I have these horrible episodes where I feel like this darkness is trying to break out of me through my whole body, and it's so bad I just would give anything, including my life for it to just stop, as it is so overwhelming and painful. (I am not suicidal - it's just the only way I can describe how bad it is when it happens) It does of course eventually go, but in the moment it is pure *. I am learning to try and tell myself, it will pass. I "think" it helps a bit.

Yes, safe to say I am just at the beginning of what (by the looks of it) is going to be a long road.
It helps to see that other people might actually understand what is going on as I feel like I in a 24/7 battle inside myself.

I feel able to share a lot with my therapist about what is going on inside me. then get scared afterwards, and feel like I wish I could retract it all because it sounds ridiculous and stupid etc. Then fear she will think I am too much for her, stop working with me etc.

It's also really good to hear someone else understand the logical sense thing - I can totally get things on an intellectual level, but it sits there and there is a barrier / wall between that and any feeling. I also struggle to describe negative emotions, to me it is just pain - and it's difficult for me to distinguish or distill it down any further.
I will certainly read the book you have recommended and have a proper look around.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond, I deeply, deeply appreciate it.

A warm welcome to the forum, abitbroken! 

Thank you Blueberry 

Hi, welcome. 
What you describe resonates with a lot of people here. Feeling emotions primarily in the body, switching between a logical autopilot and overwhelm, and spending enormous energy managing thoughts and emotions are very common trauma adaptations, especially when emotions weren't safe, welcomed, or supported earlier on.

Something about your screen name stood out to me too. "Abitbroken" sounds like someone who knows something hurts, but is also minimizing it: not broken, just a bit. I used to say (and still sometimes do), "it wasn't that bad," "others had it worse," "I should be able to cope." That kind of minimizing is itself very common in trauma. One thing I read on this forum that really landed for me was this: if you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it WAS THAT bad. Trauma isn't defined by what happened objectively, but by what the nervous system had to do to survive it.

I'm still learning about this myself, so I'm not trying to give advice, but from what you wrote, I recognize and resonate with many of the patterns you describe.

You're not broken. It sounds more like your system learned very effective ways to function under pressure or adverse conditions - logic, control, distraction - and now those strategies are exhausting you. The fact that this feels hard doesn't mean you're failing; it may mean you've been carrying too much for too long, largely on your own.

I'm really glad you reached out and found this forum - this community. You're not alone here.

Hi TheBigBlue - thank you so much for taking the time to write such a long response. It is incredibly helpful to hear that I am not the only one who feels like this - I find that every day is like a constant battle between feeling nothing, literally nothing, doing tasks, (logic / autopilot) pushing the "unhelpful" thoughts out of my head, trying to distract, be mindful (I struggle a lot with that), trying to hold it all together at work and then bracing for the "emotion" which is usually - well, the only word I can find to describe it is pain. Sometimes it feels annihilating and trying to label it as unexpressed emotion as I have been advised to - maybe lessens the duration - but it is still horrific and inside those waves it is so utterly lonely.
I am trying to accept that I have "trauma" (I don't know what) but I do feel like I am being a big baby and should be handling myself a lot better than I am - I think I am at the beginning of understanding any of this!

Hearing that I am not alone in experiencing some of these problems is relieving.. and also so terribly sad, as I would never wish anyone to EVER feel like this or have to live like this. It is exhausting and soul destroying.

I have started therapy - which I think has made things worse, almost like it has opened up something - and we haven't talked much about my life - just how I am feeling now, and trying to find ways to manage. It is just so tiring!

May I ask, has your experience of allowing this to land "if you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it WAS THAT bad." helped you and how difficult / easy was it for it to actually be fully absorbed? I struggle with logically understanding things when they are explained by my therapist (oh ok that makes logical sense) - but they don't seem to sink in any further.

Also if it has sunk in, did that make things easier for you?

Sorry if the questions are silly and my post is repetitive, and thank you again for your reply
back at you

Hi, I have been trying to figure out whats wrong with me, therapist keeps mentioning Trauma, based in the UK. I havent had a cptsd diagnosis, but she has told my insurer ptsd. I seem to feel my emptions physically, operate either in a logical autopilot mode or feel overwhelmed. Seem to spend my days 24/7 managing work, pushing away negative and intrusive thought, or distracting myself from painful waves of.. well emptional pain,which I am told is unexpressed emotion. Its hard