New here

[Chart]

Hi Abitbroken, welcome to the Forum. Soooo much of what you've written and described resonates with me. I'm so sorry you're struggling. Just quickly, two things: it is a long hard road... but it does get easier with time, patience, self-love and understanding.

...we have touched on some stuff from the past, not feeling safe as a child... or ever in fact, I didn't feel loved as a kid which is weird as my brother says he did, which makes me feel worse... but glad for him of course. My mum also died when I was 13 - so I feel guilty saying I don't feel like I was loved and never felt safe or held when I know she was a good person, and I know my brother did, but that's another story.

Just an observation here: no two children have the same parents. Each sibling is different (even twins). Parents are evolving people with their own history, behaviors and pathologies. And transgenerational trauma is now very well recognized. It can come down to one sibling but not others.

For theses reasons, siblings' experiences can be very different. Just because one sibling seems "normal" doesn't mean a brother or sister didn't experience something different.

Just like "comparing trauma"... no two experiences are identical. This is one of the greatest challenges to understanding adverse childhood experiences (ACE).

However the symptoms of trauma are quite incredibly consistent amongst sufferers. We all know intimately what an EF is. On that there is a lot of consensus and immense amounts of sympathy.

I personally believe I will continue "learning" what Cptsd is for the rest of my life... there's so much to know and understand. Healing is no longer a destination, but has become the path itself. My awareness only deepens over time.

But through it all, the single most important thing for me is that I no longer feel alone on this voyage. I am understood and feel connected. Love is exponential here.

Sending hugs and support if that's okay.
 

[Abitbroken]

Hi Chart,

Thank you so much for your response, and perspective - I hadn't realised a lot of what you said, particularly

ust an observation here: no two children have the same parents. Each sibling is different (even twins). Parents are evolving people with their own history, behaviors and pathologies. And transgenerational trauma is now very well recognized. It can come down to one sibling but not others.

For theses reasons, siblings' experiences can be very different. Just because one sibling seems "normal" doesn't mean a brother or sister didn't experience something different.

This is helpful for me to consider, and is something that has been troubling me a LOT.

Self Compassion is also something that feels difficult - like I am letting myself off the hook - (The inner critical voice is very loud) but it is something I am working on.

I can feel the support/love in every response I have had, and it does make a difference. Thank you.

Sending support and hugs your way too 

[Hope67]

Hi Abitbroken,
Welcome.  I hope you'll be kind to yourself, pace things, and that you and your little cat will both have some positive moments to enjoy.  Sending you a hug of support, if that's ok 

[Abitbroken]

Hi Abitbroken,
Welcome.  I hope you'll be kind to yourself, pace things, and that you and your little cat will both have some positive moments to enjoy.  Sending you a hug of support, if that's ok 

Thank you Hope67.
That is really kind of you. I will try - I do keep trying, as exhausting as it is I appreciate the hug of support, and sending one back to you from me and my cat Miki 

[Hope67]

 

[Blueberry]

Pete Walker's book "Complex CPTSD: from surviving to thriving"

I agree on this, but just to let you know Abitbroken that you can check Pete Walker's website because some of the book is there. In case you want to read around a bit before buying. You can also search his name here on our website, you'll find discussion.

Here's a thread discussing Pete Walker and emotional flashbacks, also often abbreviated on the forum to EF: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=2589.msg16300#msg16300 PLus other threads on EFs, Sticky-ied at the top: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=57.0

[Abitbroken]

Pete Walker's book "Complex CPTSD: from surviving to thriving"

I agree on this, but just to let you know Abitbroken that you can check Pete Walker's website because some of the book is there. In case you want to read around a bit before buying. You can also search his name here on our website, you'll find discussion.

Here's a thread discussing Pete Walker and emotional flashbacks, also often abbreviated on the forum to EF: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=2589.msg16300#msg16300 PLus other threads on EFs, Sticky-ied at the top: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=57.0

Thank you Blueberry - this is very helpful. I will definitely have a look and check the links out - thank you for taking the time to link this for me.

There is a lot to figure out - and it is mind boggling to me, in how I seem to relate to almost everything I have read so far, and realising that not everyone else feels and thinks this way - It has blown my mind talking to people I know that they don't feel emotions physically primarily and are able to just have a thought or a feeling and give it a label. I had absolutely no idea until this week, so it's shocked me a bit that I have wrongly assumed everyone felt the same for the past 46 years! Not realising that not everyone feels nothing or overwhelmed, not everyone has a conscience which beats them to a pulp internally... Nope

Lots to think about (well, lots MORE to loop round and round on!) Thank you for your advice - it is very much appreciated