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Hello everyone,
The other day my mom asked me, for the millionth time, if I'll go back home to visit. (I live in a different country than my original family).
Usually I lie, I said IDK, maybe, well try or something like that to soften the blow (and the reactions from it).
 But this time I could not do it. I could not betray the neglected child I once was. I answered "No." But my mom wanted a answer that would soothe her, so she then asked "But you WANT to come, right?"
Once again the immediate response I was trained to give, to always say yes, always soothe them, always protect their feelings, was not so inevitable now. Now I can say what is truth to myself. And I said it, my answer was "honestly, no."

I feel so free. And I feel so proud of myself for protecting my inner child.

My mom will ask again, eventually, and she'll try to get the answer she wants, she (and my grandma and my sister) might try to make me feel bad, or they might wait until I let my guard down to bombard me with their demands. But I know how possible it is to say what I want to say. And how good it feels to be myself.

Glad to share it with all of you.
 

I hope the support of the people here will help you like it is helping me.
Take care
 

Hey, Desert Flower! Thank you!
I've been in the forum for about a month now and I'm so thankful for it. It does make me feel way less alone in seeing so many of my struggles in others and the brave and creative ways they find to deal with them. 

Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry about the loss of your cat. Pets are family and loss of something that offered you a lifeline is shattering. 

Thank you Ran! It's actually putting a smile on my face now, thinking about her <3 How lucky I am to have shared 16 years with that cheeky lady! Thank you for your welcome.

And wanting to be seen isn't selfish — it's human. 

Thank you, The big blue!
This is definitely something I'm working on! Been part of this group, even if just lurking and reading others stories has been really helpful. 

Just the fact that you revealed your experiences to us here shows you are moving forward.

Thank you, Kizzie!

I guess it's worse now cause of the holidays coming up and my family wanting to play pretend, as if all is and always was fine. And I just can't do it anymore. But my therapist said something similar to you, that this means I'm moving forward!
Some days are harder than others but I'm excited and hopeful to live a more authentic life. 

(TW mention of Gr**ming and R. - no description nor graphic content)

Hey there, everyone.
This past week I have been struggling a bit. You see, I have finally seen clearly how much neglect I have faced in my childhood, since a few memories keep popping my head and I can't stop think about it.

When I was 9 or 10 I used to play online games on the family computer (it was in the living room). In one of this games I was almost groomed. I used to play with this person I thought was a boy my age, we even got married in game...one day we decided to talk via messenger, and he asked to see me through the webcam, but he didn't have one. I did. I was just so happy someone seemed interested in me. He said I was pretty, he wanted to know about the things I liked, I showed him my pets etc. Then he got a glimpse of someone's feet on the couch behind me where my mom was napping, he asked who was it, I told him it was my mom. He immediately left the chat and I never saw him again.
It took years for me to understand what had happened, and when I told my mom about it (I was trying to warn them about how my young cousins should not have private computers in their rooms without supervision) she and my sister told me that I was naive and stupid for believing him.

Then when I was 16 my mom wanted to see a dietitian to loose weight and I wanted to as well( I was slightly overweight, my family kept mentioning it and at the same time complaining if I didn't finish my meals). We went to this doctor and in there he did not let my mom get in the room with me. He asked me to leave my purse at the entrance. He then did the appointment where he told me he would make me look like a princess. He gave me a prescription and on the way out I put my hand forward to shake his hand, he grabbed it and pulled me into a hug, and if I had not turned my head instead of a kiss on the cheek he would have kissed me in the mouth. I get the * out of there and tell my mom how he made me uncomfortable, how he tried to kiss me and how I would not be coming back or taking his pills. Her response was that I must have misunderstood him. That he was old school and she thought he was gay (which does not change the fact he tried to kiss me but anyways). A few months later he is arrested and later sentenced for multiple R.s he committed on his patients, and when I told them "See! I told you he was weird and dangerous!" They just say something along the lines of "wow, who would have thought, that's crazy".

No wonder when I was R. by my ex I did not feel like I could tell them. Even though I tried to test the waters, I told my mom and sister my ex was emotionally abusive and my mom told me to not talk like that or people would think he hit me.

Another time was when we where celebrating new years in my grandma's house, we were in the front yard watching the fireworks. My dog got excited and started to run around and bumped into my aunt who almost fell. My uncle (aunts husband and my mother's brother) tried to kick my dog. Luckily he missed. I called him out and he came towards me very aggressively. This tall old men yelling at my face and my mom? "No, daughter. He is just joking" luckily the rest of the family for once saw what happened and jumped to grab my dog and to pull my uncle to the side.

No matter what happened, no matter if I told them or if they saw it. I was never believed. Growing up the only thing protecting me from a gr**mer or a r**ist was cheer luck and my own self determination. And when something awful happened and I was R. multiple times by an ex. I was left to deal with it alone.

I guess I just wanted to write this down cause as I said, I was never believed. But it happened. It all happened. Thankfully my therapist and husband always believed in me and supported me. But I'm really struggling to interact with my family right now.

( TLDR. I had multiple instances of been abused or almost abused (physically and sexually), in my childhood, teenage and young adult years. My family never believed me. They never protected me and now I'm struggling to interact with them.)

Thank you all for reading it and for participating in this forum. It does help a lot.

Hey there, Ran! Welcome!
I was also scared of posting for the first time, worrying if I even belonged here, turns out I do and I'm sure so do you, after all is not like any of us would choose to deal with these symptoms.
I hope you find this forum as helpful as me and many others do.
 

Hey EB!
For me the main physical symptom I have is chronic pelvic pain, its annoying cause even when I'm doing the proper stretches and relaxation it just shows up again (together with its minions aka constipation and bladder pain). So I'm just try to focus on the long game, if I manage to store less stress on my pelvic muscles with time it should get better.

When it comes to panick attacks and worrying about having a heart attack, I never expirenced the fear of having something wrong with my heart, whoever one thing I do when I'm in a particular panicked state is to talk to my body. I know it sounds silly, but telling my body "ok, I hear you, but we need to calm ourselves first and then we can address this" seems to help me. It's a way to make my body an ally to my journey instead of a threat or something I have no control over.
 

I'm so sorry I missed your post and I really hope you managed to get through the week until your session.
This reminded me of when, after I moved countries, I went back home to visit family, I was supposed to stay at my parents house, my old house...I couldn't do it. I had panick attacks and could not sleep. I manage to get a BNB and I will never again stay at my parents house, especially without my husband. So I can understand the fear at least a little bit.
I truly hope you are well now.

And when it comes to your brother's ex-girlfriends, it was not your responsibility to protect them and you were doing your best to survive, I'm sure if you were in a better place you would have helped them in different ways. Their hurt and pain falls solely on the one who cause it, not on you for not preventing it, even if you could.
Again, wishing you all the best.
 

Welcome Erec, it is great to have you here!
I'm glad to hear you found a good psychotherapist at least.

I think most of us struggle to find people with similar experiences to ours in the "real" world, so I hope you find comfort in knowing you're not alone in your experiences. 

Hey Blueberry! I'm new here and just checked your thread.
One thing I can say is that I relate to the hitting the same nail in therapy again and again And I also had quite a few dissociative episodes in my life.

To me it always seems I am looking at the same thing but from another angle, if that makes sense.
Like looking at a cube but from different angles seeing different sides of it. Now make the cube a shape that has hundreds of sides that can only be seen in different angles.
Once I think I figure it out, I'm back at it again trying to understand what I'm truly looking at, I believe it will take time to get the full picture.

I am really sorry about the loss of your cat. Also side note--I am envious you live in a different country from your family of origin, I would love that!

Thank you, wooboy. She was the most cheeky cat ever and I miss her a lot. But I have many good memories with her <3

Moving away was the second best decision of my life (first being marrying my husband), I was very fortunate and thankful for the opportunity!
And yet, even from far away my family still impacts negatively... But I'm working in establishing proper boundaries.
And thank you for you message wooboy! Nice to meet you.

I don't know if there are any metal/rock fans in this group.
But I have been listening to a progressive metal band called Leprous (the name is very misleading btw). And their lyrics and vocals speaks to me in a level I haven't experienced in a long time.

Here are two of their less metal/more calm songs which lyrics I adore.

Leprous - "On hold"

Leprous - "Alleviate"

I am finding my way through it by no longer viewing myself as someone who is healing or needs to be healed. I do not need fixing just more self-love and acceptance... more clarity and attunement.

Beth, I think you might be onto something here! I have always looked into healing myself, improving myself, fixing myself...but I was not the problem...

In my last therapy session I said I didn't like the person I am when I'm in contact with my family, but I do like who I am now, away from them. Maybe my next steps are to cultivate more self compassion.

You gave me quite a bit to think about! Thanks you Beth! 

Hi and a warm welcome LadyBoar! 

Hi Kizzie. Thank you for your message! It's nice to think I may have found a place I might belong. <3