Messages

Today my partner called me from across the apartment to come turn on the heater that was 2 meters away from them and I got so frustrated. Yeah they were on a call but they could have said one sec and got it themselves. If I'm honest though thats not even what made me so frustrated.

I mean it was part of it but not as much as the fact that my last partner wouldn't do anything for themselves ever. After years of that, the helpful part of me that wants to do that stuff for people I love is now pushed below the angry, self protective part of me that's had to take care of every single thing for myself and everyone else in my life since I was small and is really upset that others get to have help I never did. I don't even know how to ask for that kind of help and it feels so entirely unfair sometimes that other people get to have that. I've loved helping the people in my heart for so long, and now I feel like that part of me is broken. I don't want to get hurt or taken advantage of again so I appreciate that I guard myself more now but I just want to be able to take care of my partner in small ways without feeling frustrated. I hate how that's changed.

It was also hearing my name called with no explanation as to what they wanted me for, and no response when I asked repeatedly. It was the familiar slow realization I'd been summoned and the flash of fear and anger that ran through me because that was how my parents summoned me when they wanted me to step into their domain to be yelled at. So being summoned like that threw me so off ballence and when I worked through the initial frustration at being summoned only to find they wanted me for something they could have so easily done themselves, the frustration can right back.

It was also the fact that I was focused on making dinner for us already and was doing the dishes they were meant to do today since it was their day off, while I worked and got groceries and cooked. I felt like I couldn't get the help I  needed so why am I now helping them even more with something that was far closer to them than me?

I hate feeling this way because I can tell it's unwarranted and I love my partner and I know they're tired too and they do help me when I need it and manage all the life tasks with me. Today alone they helped me feel safe and hopeful when I felt so anxious and came to help me carry groceries when I couldn't make home with so many heavy bags in the heat. They've been supportive and patient and there for me so much the last couple weeks since the real over arching cause of my frustration occurred: I went no contact with my parents at long last.

Despite the fact they never were there for me it's shaking me to my foundation that my parents are no longer available as a last resort. I've never stepped so far away from them and I'm so glad I did it to protect myself but I'm so scared it'll hurt me. And I'm even more scared that I'll loose the people in my life that actually matter to me next.
All it took was me speaking up for myself about how miserable they made me, mentioning about .000001% of it, and suddenly my dad is telling me how horrible I am, what an ungrateful spoiled child I am. What if speaking up for myself with someone I love had the same result? What if all it takes is one little thing for them to hate me too? I'm so scared
And all I keep doing is fighting.
Fighting to be heard, fighting to be considered, fighting to see if there's a line where it's too much and they'll leave.
I don't want that so why am I reacting this way?
Why do I feel so out of control?
Why does everything feel so big?
Why can't my chest ever stop feeling like fear and anxiety and the biggest pit of neglect and grief?
When do I get to feel ok again?
When do I get to feel like me again?
and where do I find directions back to how it used to feel in my head?

Thank you blueberry, I really appreciate the encouragement and suggestion to check out letters of recovery!

Hi I'm fennec,


I'm fairly new to the diagnosis, roughly 6 months, and one week post going no contact with my FOO and I'm hoping to build community and my support system as I manage the after effects of my life so far. 
My brother was my first bully, my parents invalidated everything I ever tried to say about it, punishing me for speaking up and manipulating me into not telling anyone about how I was being treated and into thinking I was the problem and was just too sensitive.
In the last year I ended a deeply neglectful 10 year relationship that culminated in an excruciating 3 year attempt at very unhealthy polyamory. At this point I'm feeling a bit like a hermit crab that doesn't want to leave their safe shell but I'm trying to keep going and learn to manage the symptoms all of this left me with and the horrible self doubt and fear every time I try to talk about it.
I'm here in the hopes of finding some folks who get it and  having a space to talk about some of what I'm working through

Today makes one week since I decided to finally go 100% no contact for the first time.
I've taken little steps in that direction over the last 10 years since I first escaped to collage. I only called or visited on holidays for years only to end up right back at their doorstep when I needed somewhere to stay while attending school during Covid. After being away for so long it was remarkable to me how quickly I fell back into old patterns of placating them for fear of being kicked out.
We've had ups and downs since but I was trying to see if it was possible to keep them in my life, if only so I could count on some limited and much begrudged financial support in a pinch.
I've been struggling being near them for the last few years after reistablishing more regular contact but last week was my thirtieth birthday and as per usual they found a way to make any part of it I spent with them aweful. The worst of it being my brother horribly killing a wild bird with a combo of a car and his dog and then gutting it in the kitchen while my friend, partner, and I were trying to make dinner.
When I told my mom how upset and uncomfortable that made all of us, especially as it followed by brother being verbally abusive towards me as is typical of him when he's in a bad mood, she said they had talked to him but then proceeded to send me an enormous list of every fault my parents have ever noticed of mine, calling me selfish and entitled and saying I wasn't grateful enough to be able to visit their cottage. And when I dared to have a problem with that and asked for space my father then sent me a whole sarcastic guilting message about how immature, dishonest and manipulative I was, how he knew my friends better then me and was sure they had no problem with the bird incident. He belittled and berated me for making my mother feel bad when all I'd been doing was asking her help figuring out how to handle the situation.
I finally stated that I wouldn't be visiting, calling, messaging and have left it at that.

Despite everything, despite years of being the family scapegoat, my brother's emotional punching bag, my mother's emotional regulator, my father's biggest disappointment, I'm feeling hollow with the loss of family. Not the one I had but the idea that I had one. I didn't know I could feel more alone in the world then I did when I had them around.
And today, is my mother's birthday. I try not to engage in fortune telling but when I don't reach out today I know she's going to be hurt and that my dad is going to defend her in the only way he ever does, by telling me how aweful I am for hurting her. And the worst part is that he doesn't even have to, my internal critic is already saying it all.
 How do I feel ok with myself if I'm causing hurt? How do I stay true to how I feel, end the farce that we're ok when I can hardly stand to let them face the pain that is the consequence of their own actions?
I don't really see my relationship with them ever getting all that much better,I  certainly don't see them actually examining their beliefs and values enough to change in a way that is greater then a surface level show of understanding so we can go back to pretending our family is at all ok. And I know that the only way it will even occur to them to do that much is if the distance hurts them too. But after all these years of hurting from the distance, from the way they talk to me, from the loss of all we could have been to eachother, how after all that do I push them away further by holding on to my silence. I know I'm protecting me, and I know I deserve that peace, and I know I'm not the one causing this rift or really the one making it worse by simply acknowledging it out loud, but I feel like a monster for holding my ground. Even when the only part of me that wants to go back is the part that still fears their anger and the loss of the few happy memories tied to their cottage.