Welcome to the no contact zone

[Fennec]

Today makes one week since I decided to finally go 100% no contact for the first time.
I've taken little steps in that direction over the last 10 years since I first escaped to collage. I only called or visited on holidays for years only to end up right back at their doorstep when I needed somewhere to stay while attending school during Covid. After being away for so long it was remarkable to me how quickly I fell back into old patterns of placating them for fear of being kicked out.
We've had ups and downs since but I was trying to see if it was possible to keep them in my life, if only so I could count on some limited and much begrudged financial support in a pinch.
I've been struggling being near them for the last few years after reistablishing more regular contact but last week was my thirtieth birthday and as per usual they found a way to make any part of it I spent with them aweful. The worst of it being my brother horribly killing a wild bird with a combo of a car and his dog and then gutting it in the kitchen while my friend, partner, and I were trying to make dinner.
When I told my mom how upset and uncomfortable that made all of us, especially as it followed by brother being verbally abusive towards me as is typical of him when he's in a bad mood, she said they had talked to him but then proceeded to send me an enormous list of every fault my parents have ever noticed of mine, calling me selfish and entitled and saying I wasn't grateful enough to be able to visit their cottage. And when I dared to have a problem with that and asked for space my father then sent me a whole sarcastic guilting message about how immature, dishonest and manipulative I was, how he knew my friends better then me and was sure they had no problem with the bird incident. He belittled and berated me for making my mother feel bad when all I'd been doing was asking her help figuring out how to handle the situation.
I finally stated that I wouldn't be visiting, calling, messaging and have left it at that.

Despite everything, despite years of being the family scapegoat, my brother's emotional punching bag, my mother's emotional regulator, my father's biggest disappointment, I'm feeling hollow with the loss of family. Not the one I had but the idea that I had one. I didn't know I could feel more alone in the world then I did when I had them around.
And today, is my mother's birthday. I try not to engage in fortune telling but when I don't reach out today I know she's going to be hurt and that my dad is going to defend her in the only way he ever does, by telling me how aweful I am for hurting her. And the worst part is that he doesn't even have to, my internal critic is already saying it all.
 How do I feel ok with myself if I'm causing hurt? How do I stay true to how I feel, end the farce that we're ok when I can hardly stand to let them face the pain that is the consequence of their own actions?
I don't really see my relationship with them ever getting all that much better,I  certainly don't see them actually examining their beliefs and values enough to change in a way that is greater then a surface level show of understanding so we can go back to pretending our family is at all ok. And I know that the only way it will even occur to them to do that much is if the distance hurts them too. But after all these years of hurting from the distance, from the way they talk to me, from the loss of all we could have been to eachother, how after all that do I push them away further by holding on to my silence. I know I'm protecting me, and I know I deserve that peace, and I know I'm not the one causing this rift or really the one making it worse by simply acknowledging it out loud, but I feel like a monster for holding my ground. Even when the only part of me that wants to go back is the part that still fears their anger and the loss of the few happy memories tied to their cottage.

[Blueberry]

Fennec, I wanted to let you know that I read your post. I'm sorry for what you have been through and are still going through. That incident with the bird-gutting plus the way your FOO reacted to your objections including trying to tell you they know your friends better than you do - UGH!

I went very low contact with the whole of FOO a good number of years ago. It can be hard to keep it up because of a kind of pull, that I believe I would still feel even if I went totally NC.

I just want to encourage you to keep going. You are protecting yourself, and it is legitimate to do so!!

You not seeing your relationship with them getting better and not seeing them doing any self-searching sounds very realistic. You hardly read of anything like that here on the forum. I thought my FOO had actually understood some of that and had changed only to be hurt really badly twice - Horrendous FOO Events numbers 1 and 2. Since then VLC with everybody.

For me it has been helpful to write and write and write on here. Letters of Recovery https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=43.0 were helpful for me, still are sometimes, because that way I'm directly addressing FOO mbrs without them ever reading these non-sender letters, plus I sometimes receive encouragement and support from other mbrs on here, even if just an emoji, but it helps me. Since these letters will never be read by FOO, I can spew all sorts of stuff out w/o bothering myself about whether it's tactical or polite or helpful or whatever. I can write things that would make me vulnerable to FOO, I can be angry, I can be hurt and I can show both those emotions - all sorts.

[Fennec]

Thank you blueberry, I really appreciate the encouragement and suggestion to check out letters of recovery!