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Thanks both. I spoke up again today. Foster care seems to believe me. She seems to understand the situation is much different than it seems. But she says they will not do anything.

Dad worked hard to get everyhing in order for the outside world, get the family on his side, kid has food and clothes, kid is not beaten...and kid himself gives no signals anymore...so they will not do anything.

I am in search of a specialised lawyer, but they are fully booked. I will indeed look for a specialised social worker.

Does anybody have advice?

I am terrified to speak up.

This is part brainwashing. My family induced guilt, shame, fear and confusion. Every time I spoke up. They told me it was so mean of me. That they were so loving. I was so ungrateful. That I was crazy to say such things and my memory was wrong. That I did not respect their reality (read: lies). That me speaking up meant I was unstable and could better not be around my son. Etc etc. So now when I speak up, I immediately think: oh no! I did wrong!

This is part fear. There is always threats and retaliation. Also towards my son. Always in hidden ways. When my son spoke up, they would also retaliate. But not by beating him up. Rather for subtler ways, for example by keeping him awake for along time, guilt tripping him until he pleaded he was sorry and he was wrong and please let him sleep. Or smear campaign with the whole family, so they would convince cps I was horrible, without even checking the stories.  Every time I spoke up, in the name of him, he got the backlash. Which makes it so hard to speak.

I also have turned into an idiot. Because I begged for help to escape abuse with my kid, for many years. And I was not helped.  So I crashed and was in turmoil. Because I couldn't bear seeing my child hurt. And now they have a ton of things to use against me. And blackmail me with my trauma responses - to their abuse, that they carefully hid.

This is part the fear of not being believed. Every time I speak up to CPS. I am not believed. And they portray me as the bad guy for speaking up. And help the abuser. And make it worse. Last week I spoke up they said I was negative about dad and worriedly asked if I would influence kid with that. I'm so scared...every time I tell people of things that happen, and nobody helps, but rather it gets worse for us.

I have suggested a foster family for a long, long time. Or placing kid and me in a protective setting for observation. I plead and plead and nobody helps.

This is also part love. I see my own part in the problem. My own trauma responses drove dad further into trauma. I'm afraid he'll withdraw further in his defences if I speak up. I think he cannot see his own bad side.

I'm absolutely terrified. And don't know if I should speak up. Or be silent. Bear it. And try offer my child a better place when he's still here. I am absolutely terrified it will get a whole lot worse. If I speak out. Both my son and I have a bad feeling with one of the professionals who is supposed to help us. :-/ There have been exactly zero times CPS helped us when I spoke up.

Family law lawyers here often recommend victims of abuse, even proven blunt violence, to keep silent. Because CPS and courts always help abusers. And the victim is seen as harming the abuser by speaking up. And this can make her lose her children.

I did not send.

I think I need to very gently distance. If I go full on confrontational. Dad will fight. And win. He was fighting all these years. Collecting facts and shielding proof. When I just begged for cooperation.

I need to work gently and behind the screens.

I made an email to foster care. I wrote I plea for parallel parenting. And no systems therapy. Dad will go insane and get back to me. Through kid. And I'm terrified. Finding the courage to send.

I went no contact with my family. I only have my son and my dad. My son lives with my dad.

I am about to send an e-mail to the foster care organisation. They wrote a plan to improve cooperation. The systems therapist knows my story. And recommends solo parallel parenting. With only ultralow contact with dad. And no systems therapy. After my son moves out, in a few years, there will be no contact with dad. She says my wish for dad to behave like a dad, is too high an ideal. And I should let go.

I think I will say this is my wish.

I'm terrified of dads response. Also I am in pain. I've literally wailed ouch ouch ouch a moment ago. I love my father so much. I want a father-daughter relationship so much. He could love and appreciate my brothers. Why could he not love me? See me? Understand me?

I'm also terrified of the effect on the contact with my son. I'm also wailing because I will likely not have my son back. And I have to watch him grow up in that family, that wrecked our lives. And he is safe in only for as long as he goes along with their lies.

But I cannot do it anymore. He's messing up my mind with all the gaslighting and triangulation. It disturbs my care for kid.

I will leave an opening. That I am willing to try systems therapy if dad shows a convincing willingness to make a very active attempt to change. And to heal all the bonds in our family. That his triangulation wrecked.

I hurt.

Kid and I had sushi today.

I have to answer the CPS plan today. I'm scared. I keep doubting myself. I keep feeling it is unkind to cut off dad. I want to be forgiven, how can I not forgive and reconcile?

My family has a really easy story: they are normal, I am crazy. They are right, I am wrong. They are good, I am bad. This enables them to function. And have a good life. My mind keeps going back and forth between everyones perspective. I think we were all crazy. We were all wrong. We were all bad. And we all had good sides too.

When I confronted the issues in the family, they always kept saying: you are crazy, you are dumb, you are the problem, you are wrong, your memory is wrong, you talk nonsense, you are fantasizing, you are hypersensitive, we only treat you like this because you are difficult, you deserve it, etc etc. It makes me doubt all the time. What if they are right and I AM the only problem? Would they have stopped abusing us if I had worked harder to change?

I also was abusive. I screamed and yelled that it should stop. I begged to seek help, I blindly panicked, I fled and ran off from home. I would sit at the station at night as a teen, fleeing the fighting at home. My parents must have been terrified. That makes it even more difficult. I feel I'm still responsible, fully, for my deeds. Even if I was driven to despair on purpose. I still had to be stronger. What if I had never fought back? Would their abuse have stopped in its tracks? I know if I kept completely silent, they would humiliate me for hours. And then conclude: see, you are the problem. Even if I literally did not say a word. But what if I had been stronger and continued refusing to join their game?

I especially feel guilty that I protected kid from his dad, but not from our troubles.

I'm scared. If I tell CPS I go no contact with dad, I fear this is permanent. I see his good sides. I see how hard he tried. I see how clueless he was. Next to the abuse and neglect. What if he can still change, if I'm more kind and calm in responding to him?

https://youtu.be/gmM8JNXvWxA?feature=shared

Song of Ren and Token (rap) about difficult love after abuse.

Thanks.

I'm really proud. My social worker said it too. He said I listen well to his advice, weight it carefully against my own self, then respond with what I can (or can't) take from it calmly. I think it's also a result of growing a stronger self. 

My family is very "I am perfect I did no wrong ever". I hated that. I tried to really grow in this respect. I think it important to my kid. I'm proud of him too. He's a young teen. But he too can take feedback better and better. Sometimes with a joke and sometimes with calmly explaining. But I notice he does hear me. And take responsibility.

Oh and I am proud. My therapist said, yesterday, that she was suprised. That she could say a lot to me. Feedback. Even critical feedback. Critical questions. And that I easily reflected or saw her perspective if her feedback made sense. That I wasn't defensive.

That's one of the traits I tried to purge from myself: defensiveness. I try to really hear someone's criticism and reflect. If I think it makes sense, I do something with it. If it doesn't I honestly and gently give that back. 

I am proud of that. 

The therapist had a nice quote. She says: we have a big front window and a tiny mirror for looking back. That's what life is supposed to be. A lot of looking ahead, only a bit of looking back.

This is Matilda. Now Yael.

I was in great turmoil. As you all noticed. I started to speak up. Withdraw out of shame over betraying my family. Speak up. Withdraw. I decided to leave the forum and heal first. Things are more stable now. But still sad. I like to write about healing here. I chose a new name. I did not want to end up at Matilda251, Matilda252, etc. And wanted a fresh start.

I am working hard on my medical situation. I eat well, sleep well. I am organising a much needed surgery. I had severe anemia for years. Begged for help. And finally had an iron IV. It threw me out of whack for  a month. But now it's good. And I have more energy, more positivity, and especlally a clearer mind. And stabler mood. My emotions are still bothering me - I am mourning. But I can easily control them. Kid says he notices I am happier. 

I am also working on keeping my house and garden better. It's a weak spot. To clean up when I feel low, is hard. I know it is important for my kid. So I'm working hard. And I have a few nice people around me. A few nice friends. Even if not many. I learned to be myself. And that has value. 

Kid and I still see each other the same amount. And we went on a holiday together. It was 10 days. In a city just across the border. Few hours by train. Kid loves big cities. We went to a football match, karting and shopping. As he loves. We went to see small nerdy books and board game shops and parks. As I love. And we went out for dinners and drinks. As we both love.

We had a good time. I think. I was stable enough emotionally to go. There is things I am happy about. Kid is growing more confident and independent. He is kind. And he seems cheerful. We joke with each other a lot. There's also worry. I don't know what is teen boy stuff, and what is trauma stuff. But I feel he's a bit withdrawn. On his phone a lot. Sleeping out late. Suppressing emotions. And in a parentified position. I don't like that.

I decided to put my full focus on me and kid. Should have done that ages ago. Therapy for us will start soon.

This also means I fully let go of family. They don't care. I stopped reaching out to my brothers and the others. And I introduced yellow rock. Now grey rock. With dad.

I think dad's core is not narcissism. But severe avoidant attachment. With narcissistic behaviour in conflict. I am warmer to the cashiers in the supermarket than to dad. I just exchange practicallities. And if he starts his games, I tell him I am not going there and will call back another time. And hang up. It saddens me to my core. Because I also see his good sides if the walls are down a bit. But there is no other way. All my reaching out was only hurting us all. Dad tells CPS we are doing better now. I think he's delusional. His daughter went no contact. And he either did not notice and did not care. Or plays tough and pretends not to notice and not to care. 

I see he does mind when he loses control. The strange things is...he rarely shows normal love. Outside of doing something practical now and then, which he always uses against me for months after. Saying I'm ungrateful because he does so much for me. But when I said I decided on solo parallel parenting, he seemed scared. Dad doesn't show emotion openly. But I noticed it stressed him. He protested. He said I could not just decide that. That he had a say too. That he would make CPS not do that. He then went back to "i don't care" modus. But I saw the fear. It puzzles me. I reached out five billion times and dids a ton of attempts at systems therapy. Me and kid went through great pain because he blocked everything. Now I say: fine, we do it your way. Parallel parenting it is. No contact. No systems therapy. And he protests it isn't fair?!? And suddenly wants systems therapy?

I notice he also doesn't like the part where I don't interfere in his home, but he cannot control my home either. He shielded everything in his home for years. I had no information, no say, no sight on how my child was raised. He even was planning a trip to Africa with my son. Without discussion. I have sole custody. And he ignored that. Now I shield my home as well. He started to question me over things that happened here. I said I'm not going there, this is my house and my kid. And he got mad. He played this avoidance for years, to my despair. Now I put a boundary and I'm independent. I don't see any attempts to repair our bond. I do see he secretly dislikes losing control.

I need to make an ultimate decision in a week. I'm scared to truly let go. I love my dad. A lot. But I cannot love someone hidden in a bunker throwing rocks at me. I still think I should be gentle and kind and patient. But he keeps breaking our hearts. I find it so, so, so hard to make this final. To give up trying. It makes me feel I go against my faith too.

CPS will take another year to decide what should happen. I have to get things in order. A foster family is no option for them. I don't think anything is going to change. Dad will fight me to death to keep my kid. I genuinely don't know what is best for kid now. I will at least focus on making the situation on my side better. So that I don't let them throw me out of balance anymore. That is on me.

I mourn the loss of everything. Maybe if I had changed better, earlier, I could have protected my kid. And healed myself and my family.

I wish to write here about my goals. And how I keep them. I want to be myself again as person and mother. Have it good. In a simple way.  Today will be cleaning. Writing to CPS. I have to give feedback to a plan. And kid will be here. I want the house cleaned.