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Hey Blueberry, thanks for responding, I was replying to Kizzie's message before I read your message. Please don't apologize, I appreciate all your insights and that you shared your own experiences!

Wow, that sounds like an intense and very telling experience. It is truly shocking, how much our bodies and brains are affected. And it's so important to believe our own reactions, that's what I take from your experience. The NC was also kind of an instinctual or survival reaction for me, it just happened. I like pretending that I am my own inner child's protector/parental figure, when it comes to setting boundaries: Would I let my younger self be around somebody like this? How would I respond if this was said to my mini-me? "It's OK for us to do so but we need you as scapegoat, we need you to take the flak." this definitely hits home, the hypocrisy is very evident in my FOO as well.

When it comes to friendships, I have become very aware of the dynamic of people pleasing I took onto myself, and that a lot of my friends don't understand the depths of my trauma and experience, and have even left me out because of me basically being a shell, which is kind of understandable. I'm a lone wolf right now, but have enough support from my FOC.

I appreciate that advice, and think that reading other people's experiences has given me insight and clarity on my own FOO situation. I feel for you, it's really hard to be scapegoated and having to navigate the boundaries of VLC and NC. I'm still figuring that out, I'm pretty young (21) and became aware of the shenanigans at around 12 probably which is why I've been distancing myself from my family steadily since I was around 17. I definitely relate to that "unheard of" statement, because of my age, I'm still basically my family's property in their eyes.

I was willing to go VLC with some family, but recent developments have shown that my FOO will stop at nothing to hurt me. It goes far, my mom and her sisters are all malignant N and have made me the scapegoat in our extended family, they openly discuss me and my private life with our extended family. I went to a reunion last year and had to cry every night because of how much I felt that most of my family, extended too, are likely N. I am afraid of what they're capable of, and there are generations of trauma in my FOO. This is why I am truly just trying to preemptively cut my losses and distance myself as much as possible from as much as possible family, I'm even considering taking legal steps to protect myself. All my therapists have told me, I basically escaped a cult. And that's why I'm taking "drastic" measures.

It's very unfortunate that people who knew your FOO through you, weren't able to "choose" you. I hope that you have other good people around you, or solid support from within.

Thanks for your response Blueberry and for including the links, I'll have to check them out. I definitely put more thought and time into this post, because I got onto my laptop instead of responding from my phone, so I was able to respond a bit better than to you, Kizzie, sorry.   

Hey Kizzie, thank you for this thoughtful response, it really helped me figure out where I stand emotionally right now.

Some context would be that I'm pretty sure my Oma could be a N, as she is quite controlling and nitpicky. My behaviour towards her has always felt like fawning to me, and I felt I had to lie to her to keep up the relationship. She would check in occasionally to make sure I'm "on the right path", aka in college, which I am currently not able to. I also am 99% sure that with "friends" she meant literal family I stayed with last year, who took me in when I was at a low point after being repeatedly dragged through the mud by N family. That family I stayed with is real, and they are aware of the N family system and have also been scapegoated (for being trans, and for being unconventional), as she doesn't know any of my friends and I haven't told her of any of mine. I have only seen her twice in the last 3 years.

My number one priority right now, is getting to a safe place where I can unfold as my own person, college can follow (I'm taking advantage of healthcare and social support in Germany).

I feel like any conversation I open up to explain myself, would backfire, as the letter was very accusatory and manipulative, and she threatened to take away her financial support unless I take my family back, including my abusive parents. She only seems to accept one path, or one way of being, and I don't fit into that box. My dad did the same, and has stopped supporting me financially, so I am more or less on my own. I am happier on my own, I am grieving, but I feel free. I have been so sad and mad but I think I'm just finally feeling again, and am in therapy and have social support from a women's advocacy center that is helping me relocate (it's going slowly, but I will be okay).

I think the majority of my struggle now is that I honestly feel very guilty at the moment about how "easy" it is to sort out the family members who don't seem to care about my mental health, because it impacts me greatly.

I wish things were different but I see through the patterns quite clearly, I think I am likely on the spectrum, and that makes me want to protect myself even more and get the help I deserve. I need to set these clear boundaries of no contact for my future. I appreciate your insights greatly, and apologize if my messages aren't really clear or coherent, I'm still sorting out the extent of distance with my family, and would preferably just be totally on my own than have to explain myself over and over.

I'm willing to live with the loneliness and grief and being the villain, aka scapegoat. I've always been that in my family and I want to finally just be me. Maybe one day I'll feel strong enough to advocate for myself and explain the reasons for what I did, or to hold a speech about N family systems at a family gathering but not yet.  For now I just want to be left in peace. I really appreciate if you read this and you taking the time to respond and spreading hope.

I've been feeling really low and mostly just need to share. I've been stuck living with my sister and haven't had the energy to further plan my escape/relocation. I'm no contact with my malignant narcissist mom and enabling dad, who is most likely a covert narcissist (or is he just German? I don't know, either way his love is entirely conditional).

I have been really depressed and am losing hope, that fighting the fight is really worth it. It's so difficult to already be suffering the losses of family, to be grieving, trying to heal from the abuse and to then be blamed on top of that, for everything that is going down. Last week I got some messages on whatsapp from my Oma (dad's mom) who asked me, what the plan is, and that she hopes I can reach happiness. She seemed frantic, and worried about me, but I never replied because I knew it was just an attempt to control the narrative and berate me for going no contact with my dad specifically.

So today, I got a letter, where she wrote that she "She is deeply hurt and gets the message that I don't want anything to do with her either" since I didn't pick up the phone. She wrote: "How can it be that you turn to "friends" and shut out your own family? It could work for a while, but in the end you'll be alone, because they're always fake friends.". She claims I'll end up alone and helpless by shutting out my family, which is "invaluable and provides security". She finalised her letter by stating that she hopes I get back on the "right path" and that she's cutting me off financially because I am not responding to her.

I sent the letter into chat gpt and am aware that it's super manipulative, but it's super hurtful anyway. I feel so alone and am losing support left and right, from the few people I had left in my life. I know it's for the better that flying monkeys are cut off, but I don't know how much more I can take.   I need some advice: Should I respond to the letter and advocate for myself? Or is silence a good response? I've cut off the majority of my family by just "ghosting" them, because they are all incredibly manipulative and unable to see the damage they are doing. So I preemptively would just cut them off, and their responses I heard through the grapevine to this always proved my point of going no contact.

Thank you Chart! It's really heartwarming to be in this community.

Hi Dalloway, thanks for the response. It really is painful to be kicked when you're already down, I am definitely in a better place but still trying to fully escape the "cult". Going through major losses but trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel, freedom, authenticity and healing. I hope you're doing well!

I have to talk about something that truly broke my spirit. I was abused in my FOO and misdiagnosed with BPD, and also in a relationship with a narcissist after leaving from home. After we broke up I had tried to... end more than just the relationship and I went to stay with my aunt who is "BPD" (I think she has npd I will explain), because she lives near a renowned therapist who helped her and her daughter, my cousin who also has BPD. The therapist is located in the states, I lived in Germany at the time and was 20.

My aunt started out supportive and understanding but quickly amped up the control and unspoken rules and expectations. She wanted me to be in college, working, and healing at the same time. (I was in therapy and working part time, but I quickly started picking up more shifts to get away from my aunt, and therapy and full time OBVIOUSLY weren't good enough). My therapist told me I don't have BPD, I have CPTSD, and that all I need is love and support from my family. My aunt told me I was lying about what my therapist was saying, and began gaslighting me. She was fixated on me having to be fixed, and was constantly monitoring my behavior, in her delusional attempt of a self proclaimed "clinical" approach, which she never communicated, she just distanced herself emotionally and was unhappy about "me". Of course I believed there was something terribly wrong with me and I tried desperately to be enough and to try harder. I was in so much confusion and pain, those were truly the worst 3 months of my life and I will never understand how someone can be so cruel and mean. She told me I'd never be anyone, and that I was being manipulative when I was literally bawling sat in front of her. I was considering giving up again. 

I lost my mind, started getting hallucinations, my skin was breaking out, I lost all the life in my face and eyes. I lost weight, a will to live and my soul because of my aunt.  I was already at my lowest. I was hallucinating people knocking on my windows I was so scared. Thank whatever higher power there was that got me out of there and let me survive. This was truly worse than all of the other abuse I endured because I was in such a fragile state mentally, it could have ended way worse. I hope her shame consumes her (sorry for being harsh). Never felt more free on a flight. I cried happy and stress releasing tears at the airport. I felt like I was on Shutter Island (Gated Community version).

My guardian angel aunt in NY saved my life. She helped me rest and heal and believed me after the shenanigans that went down in the southwest. She even sent an email to my evil aunt when she was drunk one time cursing her out, healed my inner child a lot to have someone stand up for me.

I have spent the last year resting. Sleeping. Not giving a hoot. Anyone who disturbs my rest is getting cut out of my life. It's about self preservation. Writing this brought up a lot of pain but is also reminding me to let go of guilt about no contact with all these folks.

I starting smoking when I was 14 (relatively common in Europe where I grew up part of my life). I still smoke now at 21, and find that it has been one of the things I rely heavily on, and wonder if the act of inhaling smoke itself has somehow protected me, because it is in a way meditative. It is obviously harming, and it's the one thing I can't quit. I smoked weed for a solid two years and feel like that also was a good method for staying relaxed during a lot of abuse, but it also caused paranoia and more memory issues as well as psychosis. I quit the weed but find myself being drawn to it as a sort of self soothing medication, and am considering getting a legal prescription.

Gwen Stefani has gotten me through some of my hardest days.
What you waiting for? and
The sweet escape
are some of my favorite songs EVER. They were my lifeline!

Thanks for the response! I was lucky that I was online a lot, and that there is so much awareness on trauma and abuse nowadays, it definitely set me up for clarity quicker. I'm so sorry you had to experience a similar family dynamic, it is really confusing and that's why it's so insidious and feels impossible to break free. Narcissism is really everywhere, but when it's your whole family, it makes you go through a literal rebirth and you have to start from 0 once you're free. But you are, I hope you're finally able to heal and get some peace and live in your reality now, All the best to you!

This message brought a tear to my eye immediately, thank you!

Hi, I'm a 21 year old woman who developed CPTSD after growing up in an emotionally abusive and neglectful household (narcissistic mom). My dad is a wimp and a total enabler, who let this go down and claims he never saw it was "that bad". I was always the black sheep aka the scapegoat, as the eldest daughter. Always bullied, and scrutinised for having emotional needs and interests.

I fought my way out, using logic and online resources, to keep myself somewhat sane and at least alive. There was a lot of silent treatment, gaslighting and plain neglect. First time I went to my mom for help with depression at 12 she laughed in my face and that sums up my family pretty well. I escaped at 18, and immediately fell into an abusive relationship with a narcissist/borderline sociopathic man who drove me to insanity, he abused cheated stole and gaslit me the entire 1 1/2 years we were together, and I lost every ounce of sanity I had left at that point. I escaped again, moved countries to stay with my aunt (a mental health guru with BPD) who promised me a safe space to heal. She is probably part narcissist as she was super controlling, and called me manipulative for sobbing in front of her, and said I had a victim complex while I was already in therapy, pushing me to fix myself even faster, leading to constant spiralling and possible psychosis. I started hallucinating while living with her.

I am shocked I survived at this point, therapists as well. I guess I'm pretty resilient and have a very grounded personality naturally which saved me. Now I'm fighting daily to unlearn and release the guilt and shame programmed into me. I've cut off my collective narcissistic family, including my parents, who deny that my pain is real regardless of the amount of proof I have that I am disabled by their behavior. Living with my sister who is avoidant (possibly part narcissist as she has no empathy) and gaslights me, but I don't let it get to me as much. It's definitely been a battle but I am strong. I joined this community to finally give myself some reality, and hopefully connect with others who have been through multiple narcissistic situations. Scapegoat Strong!