Messages

For many of us, going NC isn't a luxury but a necessity. Very few people understand and that means more misunderstanding for us to deal with.   For so many years after going NC I wasn't able to feel any love for my mother because of what she put me through.  Anger is totally legitimate and needed for self-protection.  The thing I found most difficult in dealing with anger is the way it made me feel bound to her even though she was no longer in my life.  Now that I am more familiar with the nature of generational trauma the anger isn't directed at my mother as much as it used to and it is a relief.  I can experience loving feelings at certain moments but no wish to reconnect.  The kind of longing I have has more to do with the mother-daughter relationship I never had. 

The title caught me attention. I have been alternating between feeling nothing and feeling everything all my life.  The habit of numbing my feelings placed me in dire situations.  I am not sure how the numbing subsided.  Over the past two years I have been crying consistently when meditating for no reason that I can pinpoint and it's a great relief.  My body needs it and I oblige.  I am feeling the fear, the anger, the sadness and the shame.  Yes, it can be excruciating at times, but at least I am FEELING. It brings me out of my head into the core of my organic experience.  I'd rather be a mess than a robot.  I am a sentient being in a very messed up system.  Still having layers and layers of programming to undo cognitively and behaviorally. The body knows things that I don't. I trust that it will lead me where I need to go.  I like the name you picked for yourself.  It tells a lot. 

Thank you for each and single one of you for being there as you are.  This community is needed.  I always find it extremely painful to introduce myself in a group setting.  Every emotion deemed unacceptable in society : anxiety, shame, anger, sadness, you name it, I carry since birth, even earlier I suspect – ages?    I was raised by a narcissist in a family riddled with mental health issues.  In the environment I grew in, crises were the norm, not the exception.   I was assigned to be the caretaker and ended up being the scapegoat, a very widespread scenario as I was about to discover decades later.  I learned early on that my feelings had to be repressed and my needs ignored in order to prioritize those of others.  I was used, abused, gaslit and made to be felt responsible for everything going wrong.   I was trained to endorse the role of victim, abuser or savior.  Of course, none of us were aware.  I learned that I needed to reinvent myself in order to function in society so I developed a fake persona.  I was never good at maintaining the facade.  Looking back, I am embarrassed at some of my behaviors, how delusional and out of control I was.   I made a fool of myself and earned a bad reputation.  I burned bridges.  I felt the need to self-quarantine and become self-aware.  I had to get in touch with my original blueprint that exists outside the trauma.  This is where I am at. I have a passion for the truth even when it hurts, an endless curiosity for myself and others and every living being on the planet.   I came to realize that generational trauma is rampant in our society and largely ignored.