Messages

I have been wanting to write my mom a letter. Every time I get the words down, I am proud of myself for saying exactly what I need to. But I am saddened knowing she would not understand one word of the letter. I continue to write these letters, and not send them. Though I was close today.

Listening to my sister deal with my moms insanity up close is painful. I am so sad for all of us. We deserved so much more than this.

Our "dad" (my step dad) is likely going to be homeless soon, and potentially in that situation for the rest of his life. I am hoping my sister does not let him into her life, but it takes a lot to abandon your parents. We grew up with an intense sense of loyalty... un-learning that is very challenging.

I am surrounded by adults who look to us to solve their problems. It often seems like they invited us into this world just so we could save them. We are not obligated to care for them, to house them, fix them, etc. They will ruin us in the same way they have ruined themselves.

I am always careful to label people narcissistic.. but the lack of care being given is astonishing. Maybe emotionally immature. But I have had enough of this. I am sincerely hoping my siblings reach the same point I am at. I know the game being played, and my mom will take everything from them while trying to accomplish whatever it is she is doing...

I think my mom is going to be homeless one day. And I can't be the one to help her. I don't want any of us to help her.

They continue to make my life hard, even with no-contact.

No, they didn't. But that was always a possibility, they did threaten too call the cops a few times. I was pretty on edge about it for a few months.

I am not sure what your situation is, but my family was extremely violent.. but also apathetic, they sometimes lacked the energy to follow through on threats. It was usually just to scare. So it was a weird combination. It could have gone many different ways.

My mom texted me a job posting. In her area (VERY far away from me). That I would never want.

I am filled with so much rage when she does things like this.

1) who is telling her I don't have a job? Are they filling in all the details? Does she know that I am searching for a position that won't cause harm? I need to tell people not to tell her things about me...

2) WHY does she always try to bring me back into her house? She moved away, far away, and then expected us to all follow her. I know we give her life purpose in some way. Some kind of comfort. But it is actually delusional to think that I would drop my entire life to move again, to be abused, again. To be stuck, again.

3) WHy is she texting me when she cannot even remember why we aren't speaking? She can't even be honest and apologize!! Or show any kind of compassion.

4)Then I am just battling with rage and grief at the same time. I cannot message back, I can't engage. It hurts something inside me so bad. I want to be able to just forgive her... to be able to just say "you know, that is nice that she is thinking of me" but I have learnt my lesson. I have learnt it in the worst way, the hardest way.

I know I can't talk to her. But it is difficult to sustain that. It is not even because I am angry. It is just because I am choosing myself over everyone else. For the first time in my life. I lost myself so many times. They manipulate me, and present the things that I want in order to draw me in. This is usually love, support, family. But they are all a lie. We are all too damaged to have those things. We are bonded by pain. And no matter how an interaction starts, it always ends in suffering.

My therapist and I talk about how I have been "refusing to abandon myself" over the last year. How it is becoming clearer where I belong and what my person needs. It is such a powerful thing for me. To feel like I am here, and that what I am doing aligns with what I need. I am still figuring this out, I struggle so much making decisions that are not survival based, or taking care of other peoples needs. But I know this is important.

These are things my mom would never understand. She lost herself so long ago.

I wish I could say so many things to her. To have her actually hear me. For her to change. To see why I am visibly uncomfortable when she is around. Why I am defensive. It is easy to wish, and wish for things to be different, better, more, etc. But these wishes are not real.

I am practicing letting people find their own way. It is not my job to fix anyone (what a relief).

I may never reach out to her again. But maybe I will reach a point where I can handle it, down the road.

I told everyone my plan. I showed up at the house and rushed him into the car and drove off while a bunch of people were yelling at me. No one knew where I lived at that point, so it was easy to keep my distance.

I learnt through the years that my university years were a major detox from my family. So it felt like everything was worse, but I had plenty of distractions with school and socially. I didn't really realize that I was having panic attacks all the time until years later. Having distance can hit your nervous system really hard. Especially if it isn't used to that freedom, independence, or safety.

Getting used to the waves of adulthood can be challenging. The joyful abandon of our adolescences can seem like the best times of our lives. But it really does get better with time. 

Figuring this all out while being in school is also really challenging. It is such a demanding time in your life. I found that things became a lot easier after graduating. There is less structure, and more freedom to dip your toes into different friendships, hobbies, etc. Finding that joy will come, it will just look different than before. For me, every year gets a little bit better, and I know myself more and more.

Maybe re-visiting hobbies from your highschool years will spark some joy for you?

I have been dancing to feed my child-self. Who really just loves Britney Spears. It is the small things 

Hi Blue Moon,

I had a veryy similar experience after graduating university awhile ago. I ended up rescuing my family dog from my step-dad's house, and moving in with my boyfriend, far away from my family. I totally get the guilt, I felt terrible about leaving my family dog in that situation for years. I needed some time to find a job/save/find a home where he could live. I will say, that the years that I had him were absolutely amazing. We had so much fun, and his life totally changed.

I think you are doing the right things,saving money, getting settled somewhere. Having some money saved really helps when having a dog. I agree with Kizzie about booking an appointment with the vet. In addition to addressing immediate concerns, I think an overall check-up would be really beneficial. Just so you know what you are getting into. My dog had some dental issues when I took him in that I was not aware of, and it did cause some immediate problems.

My family was extremely upset with me when I took the family dog... It was a challenge to navigate at the time. So make sure your parents know your intentions. I know my parents pretended to hate our dog, until I took him, then he was the most important member of the family.

Good luck!

[wobbly about her worth]

I have been reading the book "Women who run with the wolves". It was recommended to me years ago by a friend and I finally picked it up. I am not sure it is everyone's cup of tea, but there are elements to is which have been having a profound impact on me the last few weeks. Below are some quotes from one chapter that really resonated with me, and provided validation and clarity.

"Girl children who display a strong instinctive nature often experience significant suffering early in life"

"If the child is wildish, she may, unfortunately, be subjected to her parents attempts at psychic surgery over and over again, for they are trying to remake the child, and more so trying to change what her soul requires of her"

" when a woman has a collapsing mother construct within her psyche and or her culture, she is wobbly about her worth"

" if a woman has a collapsing mother, she must refuse to become one to herself also" ( I have felt this my whole life)

I think that quote is really significant for me. When I was younger I said to my mom " I am nothing like you", recent years it has been " I didn't want to be a weak woman", but I've created a new one " I wanted to be myself without shame. To be free of expectations. And free of the generational need for a man. To protect my wholeness". I think this book is adding the depth I've been missing in understanding my " self ". I think it has made lots of firm stances in my life, but I think it is making more sense as to why. Kind of like a " I just needed to do it, for my soul required it".

There is also a section called " the mistaken zygote" which I thought was kind of funny. I hear so many people saying " your soul chose your parents" but this is saying that maybe I ended up at the wrong house. I have had more random neighbour's and others in my life that I've felt a connection to than my own family.

I've been taking the book a bit slower. A huge part of the book is just showing the brokenness of my own mother/Father/stepfather. I feel really bad for my mom. For the life she neglected inside her soul. I think she lost her compass too early in life, to please her religion/parents/culture. I'd be curious to know what she thought of my grandma and how she raised her. Though I suspect my grandma put her religion above everything else. I think my family has experienced a lot of " this is what you're supposed to do" as a girl/ woman/ daughter.

As an aside, I appreciate the comments and insights from those engaging with this journal. Your words have stuck with me through my days, and make me feel less alone.

A part of me has been wanting to re-connect with my mother. My brother visited recently, and tried to bring me and my abusive younger sister back together. It has been on my mind since. There are a handful of memories that keep me away. I am grateful for my partial certainty in how I need to keep moving forward.

I am a very caring person, and that is why it is easy to manipulate me in my family. I care about my sister and my mom. But I don't think I love them.

I am starting to forget what my mom looks like. I am sure she has aged.

I feel really grossed out by her and her actions. It is not just the past, and the lack of accountability. It is how she treats those who still talk to her, like they owe her something. I hate that she continues to be a terrible mom to my sisters and brother. I feel even worse that I want them all to leave her behind.

Mothers day was hard this year, but easier than years before. It is a challenge to want a relationship with parents, when I don't even know what that would be like.

I am tired of not having parents right now. I feel like I would really benefit from that kind of support and encouragement. My ambition and direction in life is at a pause. I have been spending essentially all my time working on my mental health, relationships, my relationship with my body, religious trauma, and trying to find joy. I am frustrated that I am not like my friends and acquaintances. I still remain the one people don't know how to talk to. But many MANY of my friends are afraid of being genuine, honest, having hard conversations or even conversations that would require introspection.

I haven't been able to get a job in my new town. It has been awhile. I try to let go of control, and let things fall where they may. But I am sooo used to working, and being able to find purpose in that routine. I am extremely hard on myself in the job search. I have many problems with comparing myself to others (thanks mom). But it has been brutal to see friends have full blown careers, and I have just been knocked down so many times. The pandemic really killed my confidence. I have a lot of fear of doing things differently, of starting a business or doing something independently. Where I live seems to be good for my partner, but a terrible fit for me if I wanted a career. It is a cool place to live, but completely isolating, and potentially not a good fit for me long term. Though if it worked out it would be pretty cool.

Thank you for your insights and your support. I really appreciate it!

I have recently reconnected with my youngest sister. It has been nice to be there for her, and have someone to talk to that gets certain things about our family. However, I am having a bit of a hard time knowing what is real and what is a lie in the relationship. Our family has a lying problem. We blow things out of proportion, and we all do it. I am trying to be supportive, and use my own experiences to see that what she is saying is either a lie or the truth, or simply how she is feeling. I feel bad not trusting her, but I am so scared of it opening me up to further abuse from other family members.

I have been keeping the phone calls short, and encouraging. But I leave every call either crying or in need of a nap.

I am so used to supporting my family, that it is taking a lot out of me to fight against that. I can't fix their lives. But I so badly want to, or a part of me does.

Boundaries are hard. How do I keep this connection without it killing me?

I am spending a lot of time alone, and it has been good and also really hard. I've been trying to "fix" myself, which I think is part of my current problem. All the things I am doing are "good" for me, but I think I have been approaching them from the wrong place. Many of the things I am trying to do are helping, but my constant anxiety really gets in the way. "There always needs to be a solution" says one part of me. And there is! I have added seeking help from my doctor, and I have been prescribed a SSRI. As someone with anxiety, I have a lot of anxiety about taking this help. They sit on my counter, as I decide what makes sense for me. I would like to think I can will myself into being better.. but as I tally the years I have felt terrible it turns into my whole life (minus times when I was a bit stronger and passionate about our (My) survival). As a kid I was barely allowed a pain-killer, so there are also some challenges around what I was taught by my parents- to fear doctors and modern medicine and the general "you're fine".

I have been struggling with my relationships. Mainly that I do not have the energy to take on anything new. I am so overwhelmed by my own life that I find simple conversations can be tiring or awkward. And big conversations leave me frozen. My things are often too big for people to understand, which makes sharing really hard. I use to overshare all the time, but that has gotten a lot better with time and distance from my abusers. But when it happens now it is because I simply do not think the person is hearing me. They are looking for solutions to their own problems through my experience, and not seeing that what I just shared was really hard for me to say. I don't want to be anyone's shoulder to cry on these days, it is too triggering to be unheard.

I have a lot of strong and intense bonds with some people, but we bonded over pain, and that no longer works for me. It is hard to set boundaries now that they see me as an outlet for their big problems, and have seen me that way for many years. Slowing trying to quit being the "therapy friend".

I felt similarly to you when I was your age. The way people saw me was so challenging. I got "you think you are better than everyone" daily, among some pretty harsh remarks. I knew they were wrong, and it felt so unfair that they were constantly telling me who I was. I was also in so much emotional pain from 16-23 that I was pretty much a bomb. I could be really reserved, but things would set me off so easily, especially if I felt I wasn't being heard.

For me, one really important thing has been unlearning the lies that were told to me growing up. I think you can be whoever you want to be, and do what makes sense for you, and that chaos/uncertainty is going to get easier to navigate. Trying to forgive yourself when you are not doing things exactly the way you want to be. Humans are messy, and we make so so many mistakes. I don't handle everything with the grace I would like to, but sometimes when you are speaking your truth you need to do it in a messy way.

I agree with Kizzie that a journal is super helpful, even the journal you are keeping on the forum. It is so helpful to get everything out.

I can relate. When it comes to different approaches and therapies, I can be pretty negative and skeptical. I was very against inner child work a few years ago. I had soo many feelings there, that it was impossible for me to work through it in that way, or believe that it had a benefit. That changed over time. My current therapist has been good at not forcing it, and it is a lot easier for me to address those wounds.   

I think it is normal to doubt that these things will work. For me different approaches have worked overtime. I was pretty skeptical of Mindfulness, until it one day made so much sense.

It is a journey, for me it has worked similarly to what Narckiddo said "when I look back on how things were when I started I can see progress has been made". That can be small progress too. It can take time to trust the process, and the methods.

When you were born I was excited to have another girl around. I thought we were going to be friends and have a great life. Trying on dresses, watching movies, going on adventures. I did not understand the game we were playing in the house and how it started the day you were conceived. I was only a child, after all.

I can see now what your existence meant.

I was the unwanted and fatherless child, meant to be unloved and unseen. Your father hated me, and he came into the family pretending to love me. But he loved the idea, and the idea of a loving family (wife and kids). Just as our mom loved the idea. But loving the idea of something does not mean you will get what you want automatically. These things take a lot of work. He was so resistant to my presence once you were there, like I was a mistake and the reason he was always angry. But he was just broken in his own way.

We were pitted against each other our whole lives. You were taught to treat me the same way he treated me. You were taught that anything that was mine was yours, that if you screamed loud enough the blame would always fall onto me- even if you did it they would never believe me. You could harm me, disrespect me, belittle me, because that was the standard.

You were so young, you had no idea, and neither did I. You loved me, as my abuse began to show and I began to withdraw. You wrote me letters when you were 4 about your love for me, bought me cute gifts as you got a bit older- but I was already shattered. I remember you crying, wondering why I hated you. Wondering how you could make it better. I hated you for so long, because you were wanted and I was not. You were loved, and I was not. They always thought you were amazing, even when you were not.

I couldn't love you, or care about you. I didn't have the opportunity to be the older sister you needed or wanted, at least fully. I am so angry about what has been stolen from us. Our relationship did not stand a chance. Even before you started to hate me in return, you witnessed my abuse over and over and over again. You witnessed how I was being treated. You tried to protect me with your screams, while I was trying to protect you by being the target.

We didn't stand a chance. And it breaks my heart that two adults brought us into the world, just to hate one another. You learnt so many terrible traits, and you inherited a handful of other ones. You have become a monster like no other.

We no longer speak. We have come to an unspoken agreement that we are not going to have any kind of relationship. But it is your pain that pushed me away. You hurt me, you insulted me, lied to me, manipulated me, and put my life in jeopardy. Now I don't even want to hear about how you are doing, because you are just as broken as your father was(if not more). I ask about you to make sure you haven't vanished, but everything beyond that is not necessary.

We may be different, with different fathers, but there was no reason for any of this. We should be sisters, we should care about each other.

People air their opinions about our current relationship. About how you have changed, how you are doing really well. But I feel sick at the idea of inviting you into my life. I cannot imagine how we can mend this, and I am not sure I want to. But I do wish you well, in the way that I hope you find professional support and help.

Time will tell.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Hopelessness is so difficult, especially when your life and environment are giving you nothing.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope things get better for you. I am new to the forum, but you can see the support and kindness that it offers. I hope being here provides you some support and connection as you navigate your struggles.