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Ok ok, I made another mistake at work. I make mistakes literally all the time.

But this one was bad.

Not very bad (says wise self). but bad enough to trigger something in me that is just not ok. My boss said I need to fix my mistake. And that is what I plan to do.later I guess. My boss said they aren't mad, and that I am doing a good job. but I obviously broke a bit tonight.

Every time i make a mistake I literally lose myself. I hate myself, I want to give up, I am flooded with every single mistake I ever made. Then I make a list of the worst mistakes and the least. I am pretty sure this is the end of the world. every time.

Like do I run to my therapist, do I ask for an increase in my medication? Like what the heck is the solution here. I have no idea. This seems to be my number one trigger and the thing that throws me completely into an emotional flashback. I come out of it quickly, or quicker.. than before.

but today was terrible. I get clumsy when I am off. Like I worry that I am going to walk into a pole or chop a finger off while cooking. Today was a day I needed to avoid hard things, but my job is just hard.

Anyways, hurt myself accidentally, 3 times.

I have a bruise on my forehead.

I found out my mom (no contact 2+years) has cancer this week and getting a major surgery, and that has been * me up.... not because I am like "oh no my mom has cancer and I love her, and this is going to be hard for me and my siblings, I hope we can get through this" but more along the lines of "huh, do I care? People are telling me I should care. I should reach out to her?! No, I can't do that. People don't need to understand... But you are a bad daughter, a bad person... I should be able to forgive her. She literally has never cared when you were sick. And has made up lies to avoid caring for you"

You see the problem!?!?!

Anyways. I am taking on others burdens. While trying desperately to protect myself. My relationship with my mom nearly killed me. And I am still experiencing those side effects. All on top of making mistakes and having no grace for myself. And I am not trusting myself that I can even do my job. That is why i make mistakes!!!!

Things have been interesting.

My new job is.. emotionally draining, wonderful, loving, demanding, important. But that has come with less time for myself, my friends, my partner.

I have started telling people "no" way more, and starting phone calls with "i dont have capacity to care, but I will listen", harsh, but my level is care is very high at work.

I have to constantly think about myself and my mental health. I have been painting all the time, and knitting to provide some mental breaks.

Right now, my youngest sister is really struggling through life.She was not given a fighting chance to make anything of herself. To get ahead, to start in a healthy way, to feel loved or supported. She is bipolar, has CPTSD and is really struggling to be heard by her doctors, my mother, and her partner. My mother abandoned her and emotionally checked out when she was probably 8 years old, if not younger.

I am BATTLING a part of me that wants to give her all my money, the clothes on my back, and help her. I have been freaking out about her having to move back into my moms house. This. Cannot. Happen. I had to get my partner to talk me out of buying her a house the other night.

MY mom will take everything she has and she will suck the life out of her until the day she dies.

I don't know exactly what part of me is feeling this. I have given a lot, to a lot of people, many whom didn't deserve it. or took advantage.

Do I want to save her? Is this my job? Someone told me once that I don't have to do this, none of this, I dont even have to listen... But don't I? Isn't that going against the very fiber of my being? I want to save my siblings. I am aware of that. I want them all to break free and thrive without my mom, and without their dad.

My mom makes me sick. I know she hates my sister. I know what she would do. I know she would only let her move in because she would manipulate her and steal from her. I am managing not to message my mom about it... but I would love to tell her off right now.

I didn't know that I was going to fill the role of matriarch. I didn't know that I would be a rock. But here I am. Trying to continue to raise and support my siblings, even as they figure out their lives as adults.

MY middle sister, whom I despise, was homeless in the summer. we havent spoken in years! I was seriously considering breaking that to help her, to find her a home in a safe place, away from her father....

She figured it out though. So I am glad. And I didn't have to talk to her, or put myself in harms way.

Everything will work out? But can I still be helpful? Without giving 200% of myself.. I still have to take care of me, right?

Thank you so much for sharing. I am sitting here tearing up a little. So much of what you said hit me, and really reminded me that this is a long journey. I struggle with suicidal ideation, and it is difficult to explain to people that it sometimes just feels like it is my hand, rather than something passing.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting since my Doctor said what he did.

The moral of my story is that ONLY trauma-informed therapy works. And VERY few doctors understand that. Also, VERY few therapists understand that.  And my ability to feel cured comes and goes.

This is exactly what I have settled on. I had a really bad emotional flashback recently, and it forced me to re-visit. I am taking my doctors opinion with a grain of salt,

I am still seeing my therapist. I think she is wonderful, and that I am really lucky to have found her. I get the whole "until one of us dies of old age" thing. We are both pretty young, so I suspect we will be together a long time (with some breaks). She is trauma informed, and when I started working with her I was soo relieved to not hear about CBT anymore. We eventually started working with IFS and it has completely changed my life.

I am grateful for being seen, and having a community that understands this. And for the ramble. 

Thanks everyone.

I will talk to my therapist about it. If I do stop going, I know I will be back, I foresee some future challenges that I won't be able to handle without support (potentially years in the future).

I totally relate to not being able to manage on my own. I had to explain to my doctor that I needed the additional support when I was triggered or dysregulated, as I spiral pretty intensely. It was weird having to explain myself, ended up having to explain the reason why I think I will be in therapy forever (on and off). My doctor is very traditional, so they have rigid ideas of how things are supposed to go.

Appreciate hearing from others. 

I feel like I have turned a corner in how I feel about my family and the trauma side of things. I have a lot of distance between me and them, in every way, which is really helping. I got a new job, a good job, working locally, and that has made where I live feel more like home. I have been meeting lots of different people, and navigating new challenges. I have noticed that things that would usually trigger me and send me into an emotional flash back are not as big anymore.

My medication seems to be working, even though my anxiety and depression are still there they don't ruin my day.

My doctor wants me to slow down how often I see my therapist.. he said three years is enough time and maybe a check in when necessary is the next step. I was really thrown off by this. My therapist is an important part of my support system, and I feel like there is always more I can work on. I also seriously love having someone who knows the whole story, and sees me fully. However, after thinking about it, I see this more as a sign that I am actually doing alright. When I started therapy I was a mess, and my mom was ruining my mental health, I was in waves of agoraphobia and in a really toxic workplace. So with that in mind, I am actually really happy about how far I have come.

So that felt like a win.

I don't think my doctor understands PTSD well, or CPTSD. But he is willing to listen when I describe why life can be a serious challenge for me sometimes. So I can respect his thoughts on this.

Wondering what happened when others stopped going to therapy after going consistently for a few years? How did you come to that decision? How did you handle not having regular check-in's with your therapist?

I have been wanting to write my mom a letter. Every time I get the words down, I am proud of myself for saying exactly what I need to. But I am saddened knowing she would not understand one word of the letter. I continue to write these letters, and not send them. Though I was close today.

Listening to my sister deal with my moms insanity up close is painful. I am so sad for all of us. We deserved so much more than this.

Our "dad" (my step dad) is likely going to be homeless soon, and potentially in that situation for the rest of his life. I am hoping my sister does not let him into her life, but it takes a lot to abandon your parents. We grew up with an intense sense of loyalty... un-learning that is very challenging.

I am surrounded by adults who look to us to solve their problems. It often seems like they invited us into this world just so we could save them. We are not obligated to care for them, to house them, fix them, etc. They will ruin us in the same way they have ruined themselves.

I am always careful to label people narcissistic.. but the lack of care being given is astonishing. Maybe emotionally immature. But I have had enough of this. I am sincerely hoping my siblings reach the same point I am at. I know the game being played, and my mom will take everything from them while trying to accomplish whatever it is she is doing...

I think my mom is going to be homeless one day. And I can't be the one to help her. I don't want any of us to help her.

They continue to make my life hard, even with no-contact.

No, they didn't. But that was always a possibility, they did threaten too call the cops a few times. I was pretty on edge about it for a few months.

I am not sure what your situation is, but my family was extremely violent.. but also apathetic, they sometimes lacked the energy to follow through on threats. It was usually just to scare. So it was a weird combination. It could have gone many different ways.

My mom texted me a job posting. In her area (VERY far away from me). That I would never want.

I am filled with so much rage when she does things like this.

1) who is telling her I don't have a job? Are they filling in all the details? Does she know that I am searching for a position that won't cause harm? I need to tell people not to tell her things about me...

2) WHY does she always try to bring me back into her house? She moved away, far away, and then expected us to all follow her. I know we give her life purpose in some way. Some kind of comfort. But it is actually delusional to think that I would drop my entire life to move again, to be abused, again. To be stuck, again.

3) WHy is she texting me when she cannot even remember why we aren't speaking? She can't even be honest and apologize!! Or show any kind of compassion.

4)Then I am just battling with rage and grief at the same time. I cannot message back, I can't engage. It hurts something inside me so bad. I want to be able to just forgive her... to be able to just say "you know, that is nice that she is thinking of me" but I have learnt my lesson. I have learnt it in the worst way, the hardest way.

I know I can't talk to her. But it is difficult to sustain that. It is not even because I am angry. It is just because I am choosing myself over everyone else. For the first time in my life. I lost myself so many times. They manipulate me, and present the things that I want in order to draw me in. This is usually love, support, family. But they are all a lie. We are all too damaged to have those things. We are bonded by pain. And no matter how an interaction starts, it always ends in suffering.

My therapist and I talk about how I have been "refusing to abandon myself" over the last year. How it is becoming clearer where I belong and what my person needs. It is such a powerful thing for me. To feel like I am here, and that what I am doing aligns with what I need. I am still figuring this out, I struggle so much making decisions that are not survival based, or taking care of other peoples needs. But I know this is important.

These are things my mom would never understand. She lost herself so long ago.

I wish I could say so many things to her. To have her actually hear me. For her to change. To see why I am visibly uncomfortable when she is around. Why I am defensive. It is easy to wish, and wish for things to be different, better, more, etc. But these wishes are not real.

I am practicing letting people find their own way. It is not my job to fix anyone (what a relief).

I may never reach out to her again. But maybe I will reach a point where I can handle it, down the road.

I told everyone my plan. I showed up at the house and rushed him into the car and drove off while a bunch of people were yelling at me. No one knew where I lived at that point, so it was easy to keep my distance.

I learnt through the years that my university years were a major detox from my family. So it felt like everything was worse, but I had plenty of distractions with school and socially. I didn't really realize that I was having panic attacks all the time until years later. Having distance can hit your nervous system really hard. Especially if it isn't used to that freedom, independence, or safety.

Getting used to the waves of adulthood can be challenging. The joyful abandon of our adolescences can seem like the best times of our lives. But it really does get better with time. 

Figuring this all out while being in school is also really challenging. It is such a demanding time in your life. I found that things became a lot easier after graduating. There is less structure, and more freedom to dip your toes into different friendships, hobbies, etc. Finding that joy will come, it will just look different than before. For me, every year gets a little bit better, and I know myself more and more.

Maybe re-visiting hobbies from your highschool years will spark some joy for you?

I have been dancing to feed my child-self. Who really just loves Britney Spears. It is the small things 

Hi Blue Moon,

I had a veryy similar experience after graduating university awhile ago. I ended up rescuing my family dog from my step-dad's house, and moving in with my boyfriend, far away from my family. I totally get the guilt, I felt terrible about leaving my family dog in that situation for years. I needed some time to find a job/save/find a home where he could live. I will say, that the years that I had him were absolutely amazing. We had so much fun, and his life totally changed.

I think you are doing the right things,saving money, getting settled somewhere. Having some money saved really helps when having a dog. I agree with Kizzie about booking an appointment with the vet. In addition to addressing immediate concerns, I think an overall check-up would be really beneficial. Just so you know what you are getting into. My dog had some dental issues when I took him in that I was not aware of, and it did cause some immediate problems.

My family was extremely upset with me when I took the family dog... It was a challenge to navigate at the time. So make sure your parents know your intentions. I know my parents pretended to hate our dog, until I took him, then he was the most important member of the family.

Good luck!

[wobbly about her worth]

I have been reading the book "Women who run with the wolves". It was recommended to me years ago by a friend and I finally picked it up. I am not sure it is everyone's cup of tea, but there are elements to is which have been having a profound impact on me the last few weeks. Below are some quotes from one chapter that really resonated with me, and provided validation and clarity.

"Girl children who display a strong instinctive nature often experience significant suffering early in life"

"If the child is wildish, she may, unfortunately, be subjected to her parents attempts at psychic surgery over and over again, for they are trying to remake the child, and more so trying to change what her soul requires of her"

" when a woman has a collapsing mother construct within her psyche and or her culture, she is wobbly about her worth"

" if a woman has a collapsing mother, she must refuse to become one to herself also" ( I have felt this my whole life)

I think that quote is really significant for me. When I was younger I said to my mom " I am nothing like you", recent years it has been " I didn't want to be a weak woman", but I've created a new one " I wanted to be myself without shame. To be free of expectations. And free of the generational need for a man. To protect my wholeness". I think this book is adding the depth I've been missing in understanding my " self ". I think it has made lots of firm stances in my life, but I think it is making more sense as to why. Kind of like a " I just needed to do it, for my soul required it".

There is also a section called " the mistaken zygote" which I thought was kind of funny. I hear so many people saying " your soul chose your parents" but this is saying that maybe I ended up at the wrong house. I have had more random neighbour's and others in my life that I've felt a connection to than my own family.

I've been taking the book a bit slower. A huge part of the book is just showing the brokenness of my own mother/Father/stepfather. I feel really bad for my mom. For the life she neglected inside her soul. I think she lost her compass too early in life, to please her religion/parents/culture. I'd be curious to know what she thought of my grandma and how she raised her. Though I suspect my grandma put her religion above everything else. I think my family has experienced a lot of " this is what you're supposed to do" as a girl/ woman/ daughter.

As an aside, I appreciate the comments and insights from those engaging with this journal. Your words have stuck with me through my days, and make me feel less alone.

A part of me has been wanting to re-connect with my mother. My brother visited recently, and tried to bring me and my abusive younger sister back together. It has been on my mind since. There are a handful of memories that keep me away. I am grateful for my partial certainty in how I need to keep moving forward.

I am a very caring person, and that is why it is easy to manipulate me in my family. I care about my sister and my mom. But I don't think I love them.

I am starting to forget what my mom looks like. I am sure she has aged.

I feel really grossed out by her and her actions. It is not just the past, and the lack of accountability. It is how she treats those who still talk to her, like they owe her something. I hate that she continues to be a terrible mom to my sisters and brother. I feel even worse that I want them all to leave her behind.

Mothers day was hard this year, but easier than years before. It is a challenge to want a relationship with parents, when I don't even know what that would be like.

I am tired of not having parents right now. I feel like I would really benefit from that kind of support and encouragement. My ambition and direction in life is at a pause. I have been spending essentially all my time working on my mental health, relationships, my relationship with my body, religious trauma, and trying to find joy. I am frustrated that I am not like my friends and acquaintances. I still remain the one people don't know how to talk to. But many MANY of my friends are afraid of being genuine, honest, having hard conversations or even conversations that would require introspection.

I haven't been able to get a job in my new town. It has been awhile. I try to let go of control, and let things fall where they may. But I am sooo used to working, and being able to find purpose in that routine. I am extremely hard on myself in the job search. I have many problems with comparing myself to others (thanks mom). But it has been brutal to see friends have full blown careers, and I have just been knocked down so many times. The pandemic really killed my confidence. I have a lot of fear of doing things differently, of starting a business or doing something independently. Where I live seems to be good for my partner, but a terrible fit for me if I wanted a career. It is a cool place to live, but completely isolating, and potentially not a good fit for me long term. Though if it worked out it would be pretty cool.

Thank you for your insights and your support. I really appreciate it!

I have recently reconnected with my youngest sister. It has been nice to be there for her, and have someone to talk to that gets certain things about our family. However, I am having a bit of a hard time knowing what is real and what is a lie in the relationship. Our family has a lying problem. We blow things out of proportion, and we all do it. I am trying to be supportive, and use my own experiences to see that what she is saying is either a lie or the truth, or simply how she is feeling. I feel bad not trusting her, but I am so scared of it opening me up to further abuse from other family members.

I have been keeping the phone calls short, and encouraging. But I leave every call either crying or in need of a nap.

I am so used to supporting my family, that it is taking a lot out of me to fight against that. I can't fix their lives. But I so badly want to, or a part of me does.

Boundaries are hard. How do I keep this connection without it killing me?