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Hey all,
I've been struggling with visual and auditory flashbacks pretty often, as well as the physical feeling of my multiple SA's, which makes sense because I have been processing a lot of repressed trauma in therapy the past few weeks. When I experience these lately, they are of very intense and specific SA and sends me into a spiral of panic attacks and paranoia. I have zero contact with my abusers (one took his life last year so there is not even a chance of him finding me) but it makes me feel like I am stuck in their abuse again, and feels like an enormous setback to my nervous system and all of the work I have done to heal.  I have been relying on my various hobbies (exercise, crocheting, watching movies or playing games, or writing/journaling) to take my mind off of things or break the spiral, but lately it has been harder to do so. It seems that no matter what I do, the second I blink, it's happening all over again.

My T says this will decrease (or be less severe) the more I process these things in therapy, but it's so frustrating to be constantly reminded of the SA, and to be constantly disregulated. I know that it will get easier, but it just feels so heavy and isolating right now. I'm finding it hard to explain to my partner when I am in this headspace, although she is insanely understanding, since it's so frequent lately.

I guess I am ranting more than anything, but trying to ground myself and stay positive, but it's really really hard right now. Anyways, thanks for reading haha I really appreciate this community of people who understand <3 .

Thank you so much Matilda3 and Saluki!! This is so helpful!!! I think the biggest thing I have realized lately is to have grace with myself, and understand that as I continue to process and unpack my trauma, sleep will be hard. I have been keeping the doors to my room open, making a routine of self-care at night, and keeping a journal and my Nintendo Switch next to me in case I need a distraction.

Thank you, Edie! I will definitely look into it. I like that it is non-habit-forming

I love that!! Mine is a giraffe 

Hey DDD! Thank you, yes I usually have a cat (or two) laying on or with me, and I find that calming! I felt silly but I got a weighted stuffed animal that I hold at night and was comforted by it as well!

Thank you Kizzie and Armee! I think I'll reach out to the psychiatrist this week. I really like those suggestions, I think it's going to be a long journey to be able to sleep well, but I'm finally in a safe space to be able to work on it 

Hi,
I have a lot of trauma surrounding sleep. My father would SA me at night, and my ex would also drug me and SA me once I was passed out.

Now, when I try to sleep, I immediately launch into fight or flight and either stay up all night or have constant disruptions to my sleep. I talk, yell, and walk in my sleep, and it just is never restful. My flashbacks get worse the second I close my eyes, and it's just a constant panic attack

I've tried melatonin but it triggers the trauma of being drugged by my ex, so it ends up being worse

Has anyone had success with anything like this? I have tried everything I can think of and my therapist has recommended aside from medication, which I'm thinking may be the next step

Hi!

I'm so glad I found this group, I've been in therapy for about six months now and am in the process of facing my CPTSD head on 😅 this is probably too long/detailed, sorry!

I was adopted into a family as a baby that tormented myself and my adopted siblings until the day I moved out. I was physically, sexually, emotionally, financially, and psychologically abused by both parents (and eventually my brother) for years. We were "homeschooled" to conceal abuse, and I taught and raised myself and my siblings until middle school. My father groomed me to be his "partner" and SA'd me until I hit puberty. I was SA'd by several men in my life during my childhood, creating a warped sense of my view on relationships with men.

I then moved out and met a man who was an abusive alcoholic, and I stayed for four years, isolated from any friends and was subjected to physical and sexual abuse. I fought for my life to eventually get out, and moved across the country to start over, and ended up coming out shortly after.

Now, I have panic attacks and visual, auditory, and emotional flashbacks often. My therapist is amazing, and I'm doing EMDR to help process things.  I'm in the first safe environment of my life and finding out how to do simple things like have a hobby or sleep through the night.

I met my girlfriend in my new town, and although she is incredible and understanding, I feel alone in my day to day struggles since it's hard to explain the ups and downs and disassociation. I feel frustrated that I'm still dealing with the impact of my childhood/abuse (although having grace is something im working on) I'm hoping to find some community and maybe feel less alone with this!
 Thanks for having me