Persistent Flashbacks- TW very vague description of SA, paranoia

[laurrrr]

Hey all,
I've been struggling with visual and auditory flashbacks pretty often, as well as the physical feeling of my multiple SA's, which makes sense because I have been processing a lot of repressed trauma in therapy the past few weeks. When I experience these lately, they are of very intense and specific SA and sends me into a spiral of panic attacks and paranoia. I have zero contact with my abusers (one took his life last year so there is not even a chance of him finding me) but it makes me feel like I am stuck in their abuse again, and feels like an enormous setback to my nervous system and all of the work I have done to heal.  I have been relying on my various hobbies (exercise, crocheting, watching movies or playing games, or writing/journaling) to take my mind off of things or break the spiral, but lately it has been harder to do so. It seems that no matter what I do, the second I blink, it's happening all over again.

My T says this will decrease (or be less severe) the more I process these things in therapy, but it's so frustrating to be constantly reminded of the SA, and to be constantly disregulated. I know that it will get easier, but it just feels so heavy and isolating right now. I'm finding it hard to explain to my partner when I am in this headspace, although she is insanely understanding, since it's so frequent lately.

I guess I am ranting more than anything, but trying to ground myself and stay positive, but it's really really hard right now. Anyways, thanks for reading haha I really appreciate this community of people who understand <3 .