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Thank you all for your lovely responses. It's just helpful in itself to be able to talk with people who understand implicitly.

I had already started to go low contact towards the end of last year, however, when we visited (and stayed in rented accommodation) I realised what my sister (who lives nearby) was saying – that her mobility has gone into decline fairly suddenly. I think this is because she just sits most of the time and watches TV.

So my empathy was ignited and I researched people/service that might be able to help. I phoned her when I got home to see how she was, which was when I realised that I/my siblings will always be the enemy – she was going to try to tear us down until the end. It feels like she's thinking "If I'm going to go I'm going to take you all with me".

It's so sad and such an 'own-goal'. I have kind intelligent daughters – one is a doctor, and I know if she wasn't like this, we would all be there with bells on. I don't think I will ever truly understand, and I need to stop trying. The day after my gentle dad passed away 10 years ago, she said "I don't think I was very nice to him". I left the uncomfortable silence in the room. I wasn't going to absolve her of that one.

I am going back to low contact. And I do need to find the words to set the much-needed boundaries. Thank you for the tip re the FOG site. I will definitely look in to that.

Thank you all again for your support. 

Hi,

I'm new to this forum so forgive me if I cover well-trodden ground. Like many others here, I am struggling to get on emotionally solid ground since visiting my mother and speaking with her on the phone a couple of weeks ago. It's left me pyschologically frozen – and not being able to think of anything else. I have started to realise just how manipulative she is, and that every conversation is laden with passive-aggressive messaging. It's really compromising my mental health and I don't know what to do. I have seriously considered going no-contact but I'm not sure if I can handle the blow-back from her or my siblings (or myself, for that matter). But she's become SO nasty.

However, she is nearly 90. And I don't think I could survive my own self-concept of 'abandoning' her at an age where she is starting to decline (I relate to the concept of 'moral injury' here in PTSD – it's like they are forcing you to morally injure yourself by disconnecting). Her abusive verbal attacks are on subjects that I find deeply offensive (racism, mysogeny, anti-millenials – who happen to be my children etc etc). Nothing is out of bounds. When she bombarded me with offensive emails about a referendum here in Australia who's aim was to give indigenous peoples more of a voice in our parliament, after ignoring them, I finally said "I don't want to talk about politics, Mum". So when we visited next, she put a political sticker smack-bang in the middle of her garage door, where we couldn't miss it.

Last night I found out from my beautiful, kind adult daughter, that she is being sent similar hostile messaging through her social media DMs. The tone is aggressive. I believe she is doing it just to see our horrified reactions. This is definitely where the rubber hits the road for me. We've all been nothing but kind to her, and I will NOT tolerate bad behaviour towards my children.

But the attacks are not just confined to politics. She started with her most recent phone conversation on my teeth (yes, really). She said in an obviously fake-concerned tone of voice that she thought there was something wrong with them – she didn't quite know what it was, but thought it was probably my diet. She then offered me money to get them fixed. She said, I have money I can give you – not a lot, but some.

I thanked her and said I am planning to have a dental check up, and that we do have some retirement savings that we can use if I need any work done. She was a bit taken back and said "Where?". I said "In a fund". Suddenly things started to click. She had been making sarcastic remarks about things relating to us spending money on our daughter's wedding, in front of other people. She also said to me once in an accusing tone of voice (when I was talking about finding work), "Are you alright financially?!!!" I knew there were insinuations there but was confused. Now I'm pretty sure she had decided we didn't have any money – maybe because my husband is now retired but I still work. It felt like it would have put her in a superior and controlling position to be able to give us a hand-out.

Then she changed tone to "vulnerable" and said "I've been having headaches. Why do you think that is?" I can't tell you how many times she has pulled us into solving her 'health problems'. She has taken sleeping tablets (benzos) for decades, despite doctors warning against it. She's very dependent on them and will often take more during the night. I feel sure this is why she continues to get the headaches. I think doctors have given up trying to help her and just give her another script. I would be a really rich person if I had a dollar for every time she drew us into a conversation about how she (didn't) sleep the previous night and us trying to solve it.

This only scrapes the surface of her abusive behaviour.

Has anyone gone no-contact with an elderly mother? How did that pan out?

I apologise for the brain dump. There are so few people that are safe to talk with about this topic. My condolences to anyone going through this unique torture.

Hello Bright Arrow,

I've had severe panic disorder several times to the point of hospitalisation. I have found a great program, but I'm hesitant to name it here as I know that listing specific programs that are paid for can seem like commercial promotion. But I can tell you the basic principles. Please disregard if you feel this is not for you.

It is based on the observation that it is those of us with highly creative intellects that really struggle with anxiety – because we are capable of embellishing our fears (and especially as trauma sufferers, we have a lot of material to draw from!) You remove the mental space for those thoughts through the following:

1. Make a list of all the creative and enjoyable things you would like to do

2. Daily structure – plan your day the night before (diaries are good) so that every moment of the day is full with a) What you have to do, and b) Your chosen creative 'diversions' (as opposed to distractions like scrolling which offer only momentary relief)

If you practice diverting your thoughts and actions towards your creative diversions all the time (even if its only in your mind while you are at work) over time (it can take just days or sometimes weeks), your anxiety dissipates and your sense of well-being increases.

This is not to dismiss the significant trauma we have all been through, but it has given me the tools to deal with the fallout from it. It also re-builds your sense of self through expression. Using this technique has saved my life on several occasions. I would now be fully living my life happily, but unfortunately my mother's ongoing and escalating abuse is preventing me from putting it all in the past. I am here to find the strength and strategies to protect myself.

All the very best with your journey 

Thank you so much for your kind reply Kizzie. I can already tell that this is a safe and supported space.

Yes, I am trying to force any communication onto text, as she uses her tone of voice to manipulate.

Thanks again

Hello Papa Coco. It never ceases to horrify my at just how cruel adults can be to their children. I'm so sorry you went through this.

I also relate to your comment "But I was born gifted and that has made all the difference...". I also truely feel that, in the hardenst times, the ability I had to see beauty in the world and the pleasure and meaning I derived from creating, gave me a purpose that continues to this day. My mother regularly made her contempt for creative careers very obvious, but I knew that it was something she could never take away from me. I am now more aware of how her comments were a rejection of my very essence.

I hope that you can find strength and acceptance here.

Hello 369TiffanynaffiT963 and welcome. It's funny (not funny) how we have learned to encapsulate our life experiences in such abreviated ways – and have other sufferers 'get it' straight away.

I very much identify with your comment about your mother's abuse escalating after your father's death. That's exactly what has happened to me. After the middle decades of my life climbing out of my early childhood traumas and raising my children with my husband, I have now found myself in the surreal situation of having my mother treat me like I was 10 again. And my childhood C-PTSD is being triggered – a lot!

I can't quite comprehend just how malevolent she has become with her cunning manipulations and passive-aggressive attacks. When I'm at the receiving end I feel frozen and fearful. I keep telling myself I'm a grown woman – and mother and grandmother for crying out loud!

At this very moment I am putting off responding to a call she made this morning where she left a voice message. I feel incredibly triggered now by her speaking to me, so I get my husband to listen and tell me what she has said. There is hostile subtext behind everything she says. My aim is to text her back – not call. She knows she can use subtle changes in tone to abuse me.

Anyhow, I really hope we can both enjoy the safety and support of this forum to gain strength to continue to endure! x

Hi Kia,

I hope that you are able to find a peaceful place here where you can begin to process your trauma and move into being your real self. x

I really hope that this is a place where you can learn how to accept and love your uniqueness as a person. 

Hello Solix,

I'm sorry you've had a difficult road to travel. It sounds like you're on the right path to healing – understanding is the first step. Hold on to hope – there are so many more resources now (like this forum) to help you move forward. The books and advocates that are vocal on this subject now will make it so much easier for generations now who find themselves in this (unenviable) club. I only wish I had had the knowledge and support when I was younger.

All the best xx

I should probably also give a little more context to me and C-PTSD.

I have only recently seen that this is what I suffered from as a child, and now, again at 62 with my mother's verbal attacks. The unspoken rule has been that we phone her on a regular basis, but now, since I've reduced my contact, she sometimes phones me. The last time I saw her name come up on my phone, I suddenly felt nauseous. When she starts a verbal attack, I feel myself freeze and my heart races.

I've had periods over through my adult life of severe panic disorder – I had many weeks in hospital where I was seen by numerous specialists, because they couldn't find out why I was so sick. I was finally diagnosed as having major depression with anxiety, by a Psychiatrist, and he suggested I be admitted to a Psychiatric Hospital. Instead, returning home weighing only 40 kg, I started on antidepressants and went through a long rehabilitation at home.

It's hard to encapsulate 62 years in one introduction! Thank you.

Hi all,

I've been very glad to find this private forum. I am very much needing a place to feel safe and find some answers and support for the distress I feel in my mother's behaviour towards me. Social media feels too exposed – even though I have found some great information and support there.

Looking forward to being part of this community.