Hi everyone!

[solix]

I'm solix, I'm 24 and I'm here to break the cycle of isolation and find community.

About me:

Both of my parents are adult children coming from abusive households. My mom has covert narcissistic tendencies and my dad is an emotionally immature man with anger issues. I was often scared of him as a child because of his outbursts. My mother was very kind and friendly, but completely failed to parent me, set healthy boundaries and take responsibility for my well-being. I often felt as an extention of her, not as an individual, since I wasn't encouraged to develop as one.

My parents divorced when I was really young and they both remarried unhealthy traumatized people. My step-mother is diagnosed with bipolar, and my step-father is emotionally stunted, depressed and addicted to video games. I had very inappropriate, boundary crossing interactions with both of my step-parents while growing up. It all left me confused and estranged from my family.

As the invisible child, my spirit got crushed early on. Due to being bullied and other contributing factors, I became alienated from my peers. I recall getting stuck in a freeze state early on. At school I would sit by myself, avoid other kids and space out in class. At home I'd numb out with video games and being on the internet. I lived with a pervasive feeling of shame, guilt and embarrassment. I developed social anxiety and depression. I was blamed for my issues and suffered in silence.

I don't remember a time I didn't carry the crushing burden of grief and anger. I hope one day I'll know what it's like to be free of it. Right now, it's hard. My dreams, my passions, any intimate relationships that I could have were taken away from me. I had nothing left with the exception of the life inside my body, and perhaps the dim sense of my true self that I'd experience from time to time in isolation, through creativity.

A few years ago I had a revelation. I started taking yoga classes and I felt relaxed and grounded in my body. My body has never been my own, yet this time, I found ease in it... It was a wonderful, but foreign feeling. I did more research on trauma and eventually found Pete Walker's book on CPTSD, I couldn't relate more. While I did significant progress, I still find myself in cycles of isolation and avoidance, and have yet to get into my healing which I'm hoping to do as I show up for myself

Thanks for reading!!

[Kizzie]

Hi Solix and a warm welcome to OOTS! 

I am so sorry for all that you went through and are dealing with now. It's hard having CPTSD but your instincts about finding community are certainly a sign of recovery This is a great place to start because we are anonymous and we don't trigger as is often the case in face-to-face groups. You can share with others who get it and will not go silent or look away or ghost you because you have said too much. IMO being here helps relieve some of our very human need to share which often sends non-survivors running.

So post away and once again welcome! 

[Chart]

Hello solix! Yes, yoga/somatic work is great! I'm also working diligently on reconnecting with my body. It's slow but nonetheless giving me some positive results. Thank you for being open and sharing your story. So sorry for your experiences. I relate to a lot of what you've experienced. Toxic people and relationships cannot be effectively understood or coped with by children still in their developmental stages. We are set back and have to do what our caregivers failed to do. And it's not easy. Understanding and learning are the way forward. I think you'll find this forum extremely positive in that regard. Welcome again and happy to share with you.
-Chart

[Skyward]

Hello Solix,

I'm sorry you've had a difficult road to travel. It sounds like you're on the right path to healing – understanding is the first step. Hold on to hope – there are so many more resources now (like this forum) to help you move forward. The books and advocates that are vocal on this subject now will make it so much easier for generations now who find themselves in this (unenviable) club. I only wish I had had the knowledge and support when I was younger.

All the best xx

[Dalloway]

Welcome to the forum, Solix. I´m sorry for your negative experiences, but I´m glad you found this place and hope that you´ll find support and validation here. It´s a great first step to realize the connection between your present issues and the past events leading to them. Looking forward to hear from you and feel free to share whatever you are comfortable with.