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I've experienced this also, both as a child at school and in social situations, and as an adult. Some of the early childhood bullying was caused by my NM, who of course denies it to this day.

I know that's what's going on with EFs related to exclusion or being left out in work/social situations. But - that is some hard stuff to overcome, and I tend to isolate just to be able to feel safe enough to go to work or whatever.

I may sound good, but it's really hard. I'm trying to do everything I can to practice self care: getting dressed (if not actually showering), eating, drinking lots of water, meditating and some yoga, trying to leave the house every day, and trying not to ruminate on the circumstances of my job loss.

Daily (hourly too) I feel a lot of fear, shame, grief, abandonment and loneliness.

I'm looking for a support group in my city, but so far no luck. I know I can't start looking for a new job until I pass through these emotions: my self esteem is in the toilet, and I could start crying at any time, even in an interview...

I'm even wondering if I should move back to where my FOO is b/c that's familiar and there will be some support around things like having a roof over my head...

Update: I lost my job the other day. I had been trying so hard at work, but apparently a couple of people complained about me during this time, so they don't think it will be possible for me to reverse the issues and don't want to impact the company any further.
I feel so much grief, shame, guilt, sadness and even a little anger. I'm trying to process this, and also practice self care and give myself compassion - especially the child inside.
To their credit they offered some support in terms of coaching after everything is finalized.
I'm not sure what to do next, although I know now is not a good time to make decisions.
I feel like this job was a lot of what I had in my life: it was a company that I impacted from the earliest days, and which tries to do a lot of good in this world. The people at the company try to embody that, and I feel so inadequate that I failed to also. As someone with CPTSD I know that my communication skills are lacking: I spent my childhood looking out trying to survive. I know that growing up and parenting yourself while an adult is very hard, and that we have a very hard road - and continuing to try is admirable. I can start to see where my CPTSD symptoms impacted communications here, and that delivering on my tasks wasn't enough.
I'm not sure what to do next.
I have a little bit saved to take some time off and recover before looking for work again. I am very fortunate to be in that position. I'm afraid that getting another job in my field will end up the same way, and I am also ashamed when I look at my peers in this industry and how they've progressed in comparison. I built my career and was doing well there and in the last 10 years it has slowly unravelled. I'm fortunate to be in a location where there is a lot of work for my skillset, however I'm wary of retraumatizing myself since without great communication skills and a lot of structure I can see my stress skyrocketing (which happened here), EFs going on all over the place and failures in mood regulation resulting in big problems at work. I experienced all the 4 Fs in the past few months.
I feel really alone in my life, and here at OOTS is the only place I feel some community.
I went NC with my FOO a few years ago, I have a great T at last who specializes in this work, and I have some financial resources which are all important.
I feel this loss almost more than the childhood loss we all experience atm: work is such a big part of our lives, especially when there is not much else going on: no partner, friends etc.
Has anyone else gone through this? Do you all have any advice? Trying to recover while being employed seems impossible to me: the stakes are so much higher than elsewhere in my life, and any mistakes related to CPTSD symptoms are magnified.

Thank you everyone for your words of support - really. I was reading them over the past few days, and now ready to post again.

One thing that stood out from your post that may or may not be helpful (I sooo hope it's helpful and not harmful) is that you said one of your biggest triggers is not being heard.  Could it be that you're holding to your opinions in an attempt to be heard that is then interpreted as you not listening to others or being too rigid in your thinking?  Does that make sense?  Could it be that you subconsciously feel that moving away from your own way of seeing things somehow means that you are not being heard? 

Thank you Kat! This is something I discussed with my T when we were talking about the feedback, and I think you're right. There is going to be lots of opportunity to learn a new skill from this.

Thanks to all the T work I've done I was able to process the feedback: feel the fear, the shame, and also grieve a bit more for my childhood. (Btw: does that never end? I feel like I've been doing this grieving thing for years!) That's something that wouldn't have been possible a few years ago. I would have focused on where they're wrong and I'm right, as well as dissociating and doing any other non-helpful habits (eating, drinking, drugging) so as not to feel. And in processing this when I was meditating, I found some momentary self-compassion for the little child within and was able to tell them that I'd be there to help them through. First time ever. So this very devastating and significant event has had at least one positive outcome.

Now to work on developing the skill of noticing this particular trigger and not jumping in to clarify or whatever I was doing, so that both me and others' feel heard.

Thank you again everyone - it so helps to get it out and have others who've gone through the same sort of thing and developed similiar coping mechanisms. I appreciate you all.

I find the whole concept of practicing self-compassion almost a tautology: like trying to sleep, the more you try the less you actually sleep. Maybe because I think of compassion as a feeling, and I've never been able to just 'feel' a certain way.

Mind you, I get that it's really important to do this - my T talks about is doing the nurturing and caring that I didn't experience in childhood.

I found an activity on Kristin Nef's website helpful (I can't find a link right now). Basically you first say to yourself: this is a moment of suffering (or pain, or fear or whatever), then say: all living beings experience suffering (or pain etc), then put your hands over your heart if you can, and say: may I treat myself with kindness while you try and feel the emotions.

I don't know if I'm explaining this at all clearly as I'm very sleep deprived atm. Anyway, just wanted to share something that has helped me 'practice' self compassion somewhat. I haven't noticed any differences from before I started practicing this, but I guess it's a journey?

Chiming in a little late, to say that I have these experiences too. Often associated with something obviously stressful or triggering but not always. When it doesn't seem to be associated with anything it takes me a lot longer to realize 'ok, I know what this is, I'm feeling things that are normal for a CPTSD survivor and it will pass' - sometimes it takes until the feeling has already passed to realize just what that was.

Hugs to all.

TRIGGER WARNING

Please bear with me: this may be rather long because I want to contextualize and also try not to be too triggering for anyone reading this.

I have CPTSD from developmental trauma in my FOO, like a lot of people here. I've been working really hard since I became an adult to recover - I went through multiple misdiagnoses and misguided therapists, often resulting in retraumatization, and it's been a long time that I've been doing this work. Of course, getting trauma informed treatment only began recently because most Ts weren't aware of CPTSD or the impact it has, so after >decade I now have a great T.
I had thought I'd made some progress on the interpersonal things at work, and that the company I am working in was particularly emotional intelligent and supportive, which helped me to feel safer. I received some feedback from my manager yesterday that everyone I've worked with over the past year or so feels that I don't listen to them and am rigid (manager gave some positive feedback too, but as we know, that doesn't 'stick' as well). It was devastating to hear this out of the blue, as I'd thought I was doing relatively well at these things. I was doing my meditation and yoga and work with T, as well as applying skills/tactics to make myself less reactive when triggered. I checked in with people over this time and was told that they'd seen progress.

My biggest triggers are judgement (self as well as external) and not being heard. Its very hard to get this feedback, as it's judgement, and as it diverges so much from my perceptions. I feel very childlike and broken, despite my chronological age, and that I need to go to everyone and apologize and get their approval (not a good tactic for a workplace situation). I'm devastated to hear that the thing I find very hard - not being heard - is something I'm doing to others.

This feedback happened recently and I'm still reeling from it: trouble eating, sleeping, crying all the time etc. I know that this suffering will pass eventually, however I'm finding it very hard to get through. I feel a lot of shame about this, and that I must take action now, although I know that's not a good idea.

Thankyou if you managed to read this far. It helps me to feel less alone.

Thankyou Cat for your impassioned writeup 

I think it's that our abusers - or at least those in my FOO did - see us as objects. In a very real sense we're not actually people to them, who have feelings and needs and likes and dislikes. I have to keep telling myself that my feelings matter, that they're important, that I matter. I think for most people out there that's a real 'er... duh!': of course your feelings matter (etc). But for those of us who experience/d abuse, and IMO especially emotional abuse, this is a revelation.

It's been nearly two years that I've been working on accepting and self-validating, and also noticing the objectification in the abuse from my FOO. I had a real 'oh wow' moment 18 months ago where I saw my mum talking to my great aunt about what she wanted to cook and ignoring her feelings in a joking manner. It was a low stakes situation and probably something where no one would call it out as bad or wrong, but for me seeing how she ignored her wishes and dismissed her likes just really brought it home. If everyone else is an object, then of course your feelings and opinions are the only ones that matter - no one else actually has feelings except for when you need them to to validate your opinion. Understanding that this was what had been happening for years helped me get out of the 'if only she would just listen' or 'don't they see that X is bad' or 'I'm a good person why can't they see that?' - basically, the fog of interacting with them and living in their world - and see clearly that this has been going on since I was born and that it is wrong and abusive. Emotional abuse is so hard to describe to others, that I think it makes it harder for us to describe it to ourselves and understand what has happened and the impact of it on our selves and our lives (actions are always easier for humans to understand and classify). By realizing that my parents had always seen me as an object I was able to 'see' their behavior clearly, and understand that it wasn't my fault.

That doesn't mean that all the guilt and shame went away of course, but it does help me get out of the mental replaying of situations trying to have them end better, ie the 'If only ...'s (you know, where you revisit that time that he said X and she said Y and if only you had said Z or done A it would all be ok, right?). I'm more able to accept that nothing I did or said could change it as it was about them: I had as much value and input as that chair over there. And you don't expect to consider the feelings or opinions of a chair, do you? !

Thanks again Cat!

Thanks for the welcome and the information, Dutch Uncle.

I wasn't able to keep any boundaries when I first started trying to separate. Years later I moved to another country (the US) and that really helped. Of course, it wasn't perfect and there are ways around everything but it gave me mental space as much as anything to focus on my growth and recovery.

I wish you the best with your situation.

[Possible trigger warning]

The diagnosis of CPTSD has resonated with me for some time, and is the most accurate of all the diagnoses I've received. I don't know if that's my 'official' diagnosis, but that doesn't matter - I'm in the US and since C-PTSD isn't in the DSM no therapist/dr could use it in an official capacity.

Ok, about me. This is hard: sharing this kind of information with strangers is really scary.
Possible trigger warning
I grew up in a family with two NPD parents (M with GAD as well, F with PTSD - neither diagnosed since they both believe they're normal), and was the good child, and the eldest. My sister was thrown out of home at 15 when she snuck out while grounded - and my F hasn't spoken to her since; she is likely BPD and so we have a very fractured relationship. In my FOO there was a lot of cutting people out and silent treatment. I don't remember a lot of the time before/after my sister was thrown out of home. I finally moved out during university when my parents were arguing and turned the heat off and kept food in the boot of their respective cars (meaning I had to go to one or the other when I was hungry) - it was no longer possible for me to believe that it was all normal at home. I struggled for years with guilt and shame, and periods of dissociation as well as depression. It's only in the last couple of years working with a great therapist who specializes in trauma that I've gotten support that my feelings are valid and important. After moving out of home I searched for therapists to support me and ended up with whichever one seemed kind and maternal, regardless of whether what they diagnosed made sense. There's a lot of well-meaning but unskilled professionals out there, and one pushed me to reconnect with my family and ignore their behaviors, another told me I was an alcoholic and had to make amends to my family, and a third focused on eating disorder treatment.

I've always presented well and have built a career which brought me to the US, but all of the therapists' (well meaning) misguidance meant that I didn't navigate inter-personal relationships well: too needy, clingy, or not communicating what I needed and not setting boundaries. This led to a lot of rejection and abandonment and a sense that I can either pretend everything is fine and be the fun one - and not really connect with anyone - or try to connect authentically and be rejected. So for the past year or so I've stopped trying to have relationships of any sort outside of work, and spend my nights and weekends alone.

I know that I could start friendships/romantic relationships relatively easily, but sustaining them feels impossible. And there's been so many failed attempts to sustain and so much rejection that even though I'm very lonely and would love a family, I can't muster up the courage to try reaching out again.

So that's me. Thanks for reading and not judging - and I hope I haven't broken any protocols or norms.