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Oh yes, the soap. Definitely stopped me for a bit. She moved on to Tabasco sauce for 10 minutes in the corner for lying

There is so much on this thread, my brain, memory and emotions are spinning. Can't talk about it or share. Too much pain! But you all need to know it matters! Thank you for sharing. You're amazing that you've gotten far enough to say these words. Some day I will too

Hey Chart, I have a love/hate relationship with sleep. It's the best way for my brain to be quiet, I don't dream. But getting to sleep is hard. Waking up and realizing it's another day that will be full of unanswerable questions is hard. I don't have any family left, so I guess I was spared having to cut them off.
I know I'm tired of being a "survivor" I want to find joy. I want to be there for my sons, even if they don't want me because of what I probably did to them. I've apologized to them, but I know that doesn't heal the pain.
At least if I'm alone, I can't hurt anyone else and pass it on. I refuse to do to them what both my parents did to me. I will continue to fight. I will not give up. I will find peace

Thank you! Just got done with therapy. So difficult admitting M was wrong. What happened was, not just the circumstances. I realize I'm always ready to make excuses for others, but hold myself to a higher standard because I should know better

Welcome Glenmeadow! I am also new here and have dealt with trauma similar to Munch. and med abuse. It's a hard struggle, at least for me. There is very little if any trust or belief in the medical community and it's difficult to go to a Dr that I don't know.

Finding this forum is definitely making me think more about my trauma, and letting some of the pressure off.

For me, just talking about what happened helps.

You are not alone. You are good enough. You deserve happiness

Thank you DF! It's like looking at two people and I was the only one who saw her "hurt" parts. What she took out on me. The situation was generally horrible for all of us. But she had a support system. She had friends she knew all her life. She had her family. All I had was her.
I start crying just writing about it

Hey dollyvee, I do something similar. I can't sleep. I take Tylenol pm, herbal sleepy tea etc, and it's still hard to turn off my brain. Sometimes I add rum to my tea. It helps. I know it's not a great choice, but it works. Sometimes that's what needs to happen

WOW
This one. TW, I was spanked a lot as a child. Arm grabbing a bit, but spankings, that was it. Usually a belt, but when my brother got hot wheels, the track was the go to.
Had to get it, go to my room, bend over on the bed and wait. Mostly bare butt.

If I forgot to do a chore, or didn't do it "right" If I misbehaved while we were out. I don't remember the last one, but I remember when I had marks from the middle of my back to the middle of my thighs. I think I was in 6th grade.

It was always for my own good. And why did I make her do this. Once my cousin saw. She cried and made her stop. She was younger than me, but told M to spank her instead. I think it stopped not to long after. As I write this, I wonder if she told my uncle and he made M stop.

Bit of backstory, my older sibs got sick at a very young age. M did everything to save us. D was completely out of the picture. Grew up taking care of them w M. I'm realizing now that I was made to take on a lot. I was also the only one available to vent on.

I can appreciate as a mom what she must have been going through. But no one seemed to realize I was affected too. And some of what she did was wrong.

I don't know if she made me the victim or life put me in that place and she just went along. It's very hard to see her in any kind of negative light.

Thanks again. Reading your posts, I don't feel so alone. 

I know I had a lot of trauma in my early life. I know that now as an adult. But, at the time, it was just normal. And when I think back, it's always, well yeah there was "that" part, but the rest was just normal.

 I was the one who made it dramatic. My behavior, my actions. I was the one who couldn't cope. I was the one who acted out. I don't ever remember someone saying anything about my childhood creating the problems I had.

There was no one person to blame for my trauma. It was one of circumstance. My mom and I were both affected I'm sure. We never talked about it much afterwards.

It was over and I should be normal. I have never felt normal. I don't know what that is. People certainly don't react to things like I do.

I feel so lost in this world

So, I'm new here, and I saw the bricks falling emoji for the first time. It really spoke to me. I drew this little cartoon and thought someone else might appreciate or enjoy. Lots of things to unpack in it for me.

Dalloway, everything you wrote resonates within me! I often wonder who I am. How much of my "self" is just my programmed reactions that kept me safe then. Do I do things because I want to, or because I think it's what I should do? How can you be yourself when you don't know who you are?

Thank you for putting your feelings out there.

This is something I've thought a lot about! When have I been happy? It seems so fleeting. I tend to be afraid of it. The thoughts are;

When I'm excited or happy about something I want to talk about it. My voice gets louder and I talk faster. I'm told to be quieter, talk softly, slow down. All the excitement is gone

I'm happy, having fun. I don't want to stop, it's so rare with other people. So I don't regulate, just keep going until inevitably something triggers me. Boom!

I'm happy. I'm not paying attention. I forget to be aware. I forget that I need to be careful how I speak. What I say, who's listening. The silence afterwards

I'm working now on peace instead of happiness. Acceptance of the good and trying not to look for the bad. Not listening to the voice of pain. Accepting the gift of sunshine

Lizzie,

My family had a very rare disease. It was undiagnosed for many years. Part of my issue I think is that in some ways she was all you would want her to be. She taught for us, took us all over the world for different therapies etc. my sibs lived at least ten yrs longer because of her. Everyone thought she was great and amazing. Everyone thought I was great and amazing. I lived in a land of Drs. But again, everyone thought I had it too, they thought one of the things she did worked. She and I were absolutely convinced she had stopped it in me. I know she took out a lot of her frustrations out on me. I was her helper. I knew how to talk to Drs. I took care of my sibs. I know she did her best. It just feels like I was somehow forgotten along the way. She spent my entire childhood trying to save us, then left them in a hospital and left me with the state. I guess she had enough. She died over 25 yrs ago. I still miss her and talk to her. I wish we had talked about what happened.