Messages

Thank you, SenseOrgan, I really appreciate your kindness in these hard times. Yes, I very much agree with you and this is what keeps me going, even if it sometimes seems so meaningless, that through my personal healing and gaining of wisdom I can make changes in the broader world, too. I try not to forget that in my life I need to be in the first place, especially when it comes to healing the traumas, but this is what motivates me the most, the power of wisdom and healing that I can share with those who need it. Everything I do pretty much points into one direction: to make this world (inner and outer) a better place. My personal journey may be about me in the first place, but I like to think that it also benefits other people because, as you put it, we are not an island. My plan of becoming a social worker, which I wrote about, is also part of this bigger picture.

And it´s already changing me as a person in a positive way. I used to be in my head 24/7 and very much isolated from the outside world. All I cared about was my mental and emotional state, which is of course not a bad thing, only that it cut me off from the context I exist in. But with everything that´s happening, I am changing, too. I would have never thought that I have so much integrity and bravery in me that I´m experiencing nowadays. And you know what? My CPTSD, my personal healing journey and experiences of abuse and oppression (even systemic one, since I´m part of a minority ethnic group in a country where we don´t have equal rights with the dominant group), it all helps when it comes to understanding the issues of the world today. Everything I´ve been and am going through gives me extra understanding and compassion. I used to think about my negative experiences and ACEs as something that shouldn´t have happened (I still do in a sense that it was horrible and would never want it to happen to anyone), but it´s also starting to change and now I can value my experiences as something that helps me be more compassionate and helps me build something better for me and for others.

It can feel hopeless sometimes, especially with all the helplessness I´m experiencing, but it makes me want to integrate the pain into something bigger more.

I find it more and more difficult to concentrate on my personal growth and healing journey in a world that´s falling apart. Everything loses its meaning. It´s hard to find essence in everyday actions. I look around and see the objects surrounding me and creating my personal space, the proofs that I´m here right now, that I haven´t ceased to exist yet. And yet, my heart and soul is aching and this pain is the only thing that assures me that I´m still alive. The absurdity of existing in parallel with the death of thousands is what makes me question my very own existence. Everything feels out of context, in a vacuum, and the context itself is decomposing slowly, too. Where do I stand in this turmoil with my trauma and my deep knowledge of personal loss and suffering? How can I continue to live in a world that has stopped being the place I want to live in a long time ago? Where is my place in all this? Everything loses its meaning. Words don´t describe the pain sufficiently anymore. I can´t be free from suffering. Nobody is free until everyone is free. How can I heal my own wounds amidst the destruction? Where does "personal" end? In my soul, all starts to blend.

 

Thank you, NarcKiddo, for introducing this technique. I like it very much and it immediately reminded me of some people at work with whom I have this exact problem that they are behaving in a certain way and saying the same certain things all the time that I find extremely triggering. I find myself triggered even just imagining that they are going to approach me with the same stuff again every time I see them. I always get caught up in endless thoughts like "why are they like this, why are they doing this to me/saying mean stuff to me etc" and it makes me feel very sad and depressed even. I´ll definitely try this next time.

This post and the comments themselves gave me good vibes, just remembering that despite the bad stuff there are some happy moments, too. My happy memories most often operate on a sensory level, so they always pop up when I hear or feel or sometimes smell something that reminds me of that happy memory and then the pleasant feelings flood me and my whole being for a while and it´s heartwarming. It´s nice to be reminded of the good in life sometimes. 

Welcome to the forum, SomewhereThatsGreen. Here, I think, you can "shout it out loud", meaning that we can share our experiences, ask for advice or just vent or try to write our stories in our journals. I found it very helpful and I think there are many good and understanding people here who really care. Hope you find here what you´re looking for. 

Welcome, Yaya. I´m sorry for everything that happened to you and that you feel like an outsider, as you put it. I´ve always felt that way myself, still do many times. I know it´s the result of emotional neglect and disconnecting from myself as a coping mechanism, but it´s still hard to accept. I hope you can find here what you´re looking for. 

Silveris, I remember reading your post in March and thinking that something similar is happening to me, but I couldn´t really articulate it back then. But now that I had very recently experiences of this kind, I am starting to be aware of this in my life, too. For me, it always comes out of the blue, usually when experiencing something pleasant or neutral, suddenly a wave of profound sadness washes over me and I try to explain it to myself somehow but I can never really come close to deciphering it. And I realized that it might be connected to what you wrote about being disconnected from your emotions, that I can´t translate my somatic experiences into feelings or words. I´ve been living all my life disconnected from my emotions because it was safer this way and also because I was emotionally neglected, so I coudn´t develop these skills and it also meant being disconnected from my authentic self. So I find this concept very interesting and I can relate to it very much.

Thank you, Desert Flower. It´s very frustrating to feel those things I wrote about above and now it´s turning against me in a form of a very negative and very critical inner voice. It sucks so much to have these feelings or should I say beliefs about myself and my worth. There are many things that were actively harming me in the past and doing that passively to this day because of their power over me and it´s very hard to untangle from them. I try not to abandon myself and side with that inner critic in mocking me, but it´s very hard.

I wanted to ask, how do you guys manage the negative self-talk when it appears and is very strongly present? I am at this moment coping with this difficult situation: something (inner critic?) inside me keeps telling me that I'm pathetic because of the way I live vs the way I should be living by now as an adult. It also reminds me very often that I'm not enough and also my efforts are not enough. It's very hard to accept because it has a very negative effect on my mood and mental state. I tried to talk to myself and explain why is it happening to me and why do I feel the way I do but nothing seems to really work. Any advice or thing that anyone personally found to be useful would be very much appreciated. Thank you 

Hi BlueMoon, I just wanted to say that I hear you and you are not alone. I know that feeling of hopelessness when you try very hard and try again and again but nothing seems to change, so I wonder why trying and failing constantly when there´s no change to the better. It´s very frustrating and sad to believe that nothing I do has an impact on my life. Unfortunately, I don´t have a recipe how to solve this issue, it´s a though one for me, too. But I wanted to say that I absolutely hear you. Take care. 

I'm also a maladaptive daydreamer so escaping from reality is pretty much my specialty lol.

I can 100% relate. When I start to daydream more and more often ans space out more and more often, that´s when I know that I´m stressed and overwhelmed. It´s a very good indicator actually that something´s off, at least for me. Our mind/body system is very clever, it´s trying to help us to cope and gives us signals, we just need to listen and connect the dots, which you are already doing in my opinion. 

Hi strawberrycat, I ditto everything that Kizzie and NarcKiddo said. I think it´s understandable that you were looking for a way to safely connect and to talk about all the things that are bothering you. I don´t have personal experience with using AI, but I can relate to your need very much. It´s a very basic human need to connect and in your situation (but it´s also the case of many people with CPTSD) it was through AI that you could create this safe place. I also struggle with similar things like feeling isolated and unable to connect to people due to fear (of rejection, criticism, of being attacked) and often I´m so overwhelmed by all the things going on externally and internally, that I feel like I have to escape, have to crawl back into my safe shell, because it´s just too much. For me, it´s always been the stories - reading and creating stories is my escape route, it calms my nerves and gives me the feeling of safety.

It´s very hard for us, who have been hurt so much, to start to trust (again) and reach out, but I think by writing this post and talking about your experience, you´re doing a very good job and a service to yourself. I´m glad you decided to give it a try after a year and I hope you´ll find here the connection that you´re looking for or at least part of it. 

 

Thank you, SenseOrgan, for the big hug, it was very much needed and is very much appreciated. And I think you´re right in that it´s all a byproduct of better understanding my past and its connection to my present. It hurts and it can make me feel really helpless sometimes, but I´m glad that I´m not alone and people can relate. And in the times of more peace and clarity in my mind, I come to appreciate all the things I´ve learned and that I´m moving forward to feel better. It´s still hard when I think about it, but now I feel better about myself and my story. Maybe eventually I´ll learn how to accept and own it with all the stuff, good and bad.