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This post and the comments themselves gave me good vibes, just remembering that despite the bad stuff there are some happy moments, too. My happy memories most often operate on a sensory level, so they always pop up when I hear or feel or sometimes smell something that reminds me of that happy memory and then the pleasant feelings flood me and my whole being for a while and it´s heartwarming. It´s nice to be reminded of the good in life sometimes. 

Welcome to the forum, SomewhereThatsGreen. Here, I think, you can "shout it out loud", meaning that we can share our experiences, ask for advice or just vent or try to write our stories in our journals. I found it very helpful and I think there are many good and understanding people here who really care. Hope you find here what you´re looking for. 

Welcome, Yaya. I´m sorry for everything that happened to you and that you feel like an outsider, as you put it. I´ve always felt that way myself, still do many times. I know it´s the result of emotional neglect and disconnecting from myself as a coping mechanism, but it´s still hard to accept. I hope you can find here what you´re looking for. 

Silveris, I remember reading your post in March and thinking that something similar is happening to me, but I couldn´t really articulate it back then. But now that I had very recently experiences of this kind, I am starting to be aware of this in my life, too. For me, it always comes out of the blue, usually when experiencing something pleasant or neutral, suddenly a wave of profound sadness washes over me and I try to explain it to myself somehow but I can never really come close to deciphering it. And I realized that it might be connected to what you wrote about being disconnected from your emotions, that I can´t translate my somatic experiences into feelings or words. I´ve been living all my life disconnected from my emotions because it was safer this way and also because I was emotionally neglected, so I coudn´t develop these skills and it also meant being disconnected from my authentic self. So I find this concept very interesting and I can relate to it very much.

Thank you, Desert Flower. It´s very frustrating to feel those things I wrote about above and now it´s turning against me in a form of a very negative and very critical inner voice. It sucks so much to have these feelings or should I say beliefs about myself and my worth. There are many things that were actively harming me in the past and doing that passively to this day because of their power over me and it´s very hard to untangle from them. I try not to abandon myself and side with that inner critic in mocking me, but it´s very hard.

I wanted to ask, how do you guys manage the negative self-talk when it appears and is very strongly present? I am at this moment coping with this difficult situation: something (inner critic?) inside me keeps telling me that I'm pathetic because of the way I live vs the way I should be living by now as an adult. It also reminds me very often that I'm not enough and also my efforts are not enough. It's very hard to accept because it has a very negative effect on my mood and mental state. I tried to talk to myself and explain why is it happening to me and why do I feel the way I do but nothing seems to really work. Any advice or thing that anyone personally found to be useful would be very much appreciated. Thank you 

Hi BlueMoon, I just wanted to say that I hear you and you are not alone. I know that feeling of hopelessness when you try very hard and try again and again but nothing seems to change, so I wonder why trying and failing constantly when there´s no change to the better. It´s very frustrating and sad to believe that nothing I do has an impact on my life. Unfortunately, I don´t have a recipe how to solve this issue, it´s a though one for me, too. But I wanted to say that I absolutely hear you. Take care. 

I'm also a maladaptive daydreamer so escaping from reality is pretty much my specialty lol.

I can 100% relate. When I start to daydream more and more often ans space out more and more often, that´s when I know that I´m stressed and overwhelmed. It´s a very good indicator actually that something´s off, at least for me. Our mind/body system is very clever, it´s trying to help us to cope and gives us signals, we just need to listen and connect the dots, which you are already doing in my opinion. 

Hi strawberrycat, I ditto everything that Kizzie and NarcKiddo said. I think it´s understandable that you were looking for a way to safely connect and to talk about all the things that are bothering you. I don´t have personal experience with using AI, but I can relate to your need very much. It´s a very basic human need to connect and in your situation (but it´s also the case of many people with CPTSD) it was through AI that you could create this safe place. I also struggle with similar things like feeling isolated and unable to connect to people due to fear (of rejection, criticism, of being attacked) and often I´m so overwhelmed by all the things going on externally and internally, that I feel like I have to escape, have to crawl back into my safe shell, because it´s just too much. For me, it´s always been the stories - reading and creating stories is my escape route, it calms my nerves and gives me the feeling of safety.

It´s very hard for us, who have been hurt so much, to start to trust (again) and reach out, but I think by writing this post and talking about your experience, you´re doing a very good job and a service to yourself. I´m glad you decided to give it a try after a year and I hope you´ll find here the connection that you´re looking for or at least part of it. 

 

Thank you, SenseOrgan, for the big hug, it was very much needed and is very much appreciated. And I think you´re right in that it´s all a byproduct of better understanding my past and its connection to my present. It hurts and it can make me feel really helpless sometimes, but I´m glad that I´m not alone and people can relate. And in the times of more peace and clarity in my mind, I come to appreciate all the things I´ve learned and that I´m moving forward to feel better. It´s still hard when I think about it, but now I feel better about myself and my story. Maybe eventually I´ll learn how to accept and own it with all the stuff, good and bad.

GettingThere, I´m so sorry for all the abuse you suffered that words can´t really describe it. I was never SA´d but I was abused physically and emotionally from a very early age, that´s why I had tears in my eyes reading and imagining you crying alone after the abuse, because I still remember how utterly alone and abandoned I felt every time my M abused me. I would cry for hours not understanding how the world can be so cruel to me, and try to console myself. It´s so painful when you believe that the whole world has forgotten you and you are all by yourself - at least, this was my experience, I don´t want to misinterpret your words. I´ve been also struggling with shame and blame all my life as a result of the abuse. I hope, as Kizzie also mentioned, that writing about this helped you a little and also that you feel the support and love here. I´m sending you all that. 

Hi and welcome, Fennec. I´m sorry for what you´ve been through. It´s totally understandable that you don´t want to leave your safe shell. I´m also taking one small step at a time and trying to listen to my instincts to tell me if I need more patience or time with what I´m dealing with. My experience here is that people are very kind and understanding and can relate to me due to our similar experiences. I hope you can find that kind of connection, too. 

Thank you, NarcKiddo, yes, currently it´s an in-between state of mind, in which I already know what´s bothering me and where does it come from, but I can´t do anything specific about it, or at least, I feel like I can´t. But maybe you´re right, maybe I´m already doing something, I just can´t see the bigger picture. Anyway, thank you for your support.

With a new found strength and energy, frustration and rage appeared in my life again. In fact, they were never gone, just dormant. Now I think about and hate the fact that so much unfairness was done to me almost constantly. I go to sleep and wake with that thought. That so much was taken from me and under different circumstances I would be a so much happier and so much content person. That I had expectations that weren't met and capabilities I couldn't develop. Maybe I'd be someone who loves their life and profession, someone who knows their purpose. I had so much in me and still have but nobody can give me back all the time and all the chances I've lost and no one can serve justice for all those losses and give back the opportunities. I continue to suffer and blame myself for it sometimes, even though I know it wasn't my fault, and it's not fair. I know it's me who will eventually have to make herself whole again but the way I was created just won't let me have peace. I will carry this with myself for a very long time, maybe forever.