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Hello NarcKiddo, no worries about not reading everything I wrote - I wasn't sure if anyone would lol, but thank you for taking the time to reply when you were busy. When it comes to jobs I think I won't know what I'll be able to handle until I'm actually there, so I guess I'll just have to figure things out along the way. I do feel the pressure to be taking steps towards something specific so the future doesn't feel so scary, but I don't want to be so consumed with my worries about it either. Its a fine line to walk and I don't have very good balance lol - but anyways thank you for your acknowledgement and support 

[Part 2 of 2]

Part 2 of 2

 Despite all of that, it'll be two years in December since I've started my diy cptsd recovery journey. I had no idea what I was doing at first since all I had was resources from the internet and my own intuition - no professional guidance from a therapist or support system of any kind, but I still managed to make some progress on my own for a little while at least. I was sort of aware it was going to be a challenging and bumpy road with setbacks, but now I believe my healing has been stagnant for months; almost like my brain has put it on pause to focus most of my energy towards surviving again. I'm not clueless as to why - so far this year has been particularly difficult for me for all these different reasons that might take me a while to get through. Just thinking about how I'll type it all out on here is sort of overwhelming me already lol - but that's not very surprising considering that's just how I've been for the past handful of months, in this chronic state of overwhelm that I can't seem to completely pull myself out of. I've been struggling pretty badly with this persistent and rather unbearable feeling of uncertainty in pretty much every aspect of my life that I can think of. I know it might sound a little dramatic, but it feels like it has plagued my existence for so long and taken over my mind and keeps me in a perpetual survival mode state. Which in turn, puts my brain into problem-solving mode and has me trying to hunt down an answer or solution to every single thing because not knowing what exactly the future holds triggers unsafety in the nervous system, right? But obviously it will never be possible for me to predict or control the future or make everything perfectly safe for the rest of my life. It feels like I've given myself countless pep talks and tried desperately to "learn how to be okay with uncertainty" and to stop resisting the discomfort of it - but it's not actually that easy when there's so much of it and it feels like the outcome of your entire life depends on having answers to a thousand different unknowns and solutions to problems that feel unsolvable. I'd elaborate further on all the specific uncertainties and unknowns I'm referring to, but it's already taking me so long to write this post and I keep procrastinating and not being able to focus; I guess typing out all of the things that are wrong with your life isn't very fun. I'm already very prone to overthinking and ruminating about all my issues because it gives me the illusion of control, but in reality it only makes everything feel worse. I just hate this state that I've been stuck in for ages it seems like.


 This year started off decently for me, actually - I had two good days during the first week of January which felt pretty great since feeling good for longer than a few seconds at a time is such a rarity for me. Long story short, those were pretty much the only decent days that I've had this whole year and it's already nearing the end of September so 2025 is looking a little cursed. My feelings of hopefulness, gratitude for life, and a general sense that I would be okay that I had at the beginning of this year were short lived I guess because after that my life just turned into a downward spiral that gradually got worse. I think it might've started with my social isolation worsening as a result of my friend being forced to leave the state and move halfway across the country. This friend was the only person that I could physically leave the house to go visit and hang out with at least once every month or two, so for that reason it was a bit devastating for me even though I don't feel like I ever truly got emotionally close to them. To make matters worse, we got into a bit of a conflict the day before they left that had sent me into an emotional flashback because it felt like my betrayal wound had been hashed open all over again and got salt thrown into it - so all that created this rift between us that's been hard to ignore and it makes me lowkey feel like I've been slowly growing out of the friendship. I do technically have one other friend, but we only message once in a while and haven't seen each other in person since graduation. I didn't connect that deeply with them either, but since I was a loner for most of high school and only started trying to be a little more social in the second semester of my senior year, I don't really know anyone else. I've come to the conclusion that these two people I had hastily befriended on a time crunch can't exactly support me or be there for me in the way that I need them to, so I don't rely on either of them or let myself be super vulnerable about more complicated things with them. The only source of support I kind of have (besides the forum I suppose) is this youtube livestream that I attend once a week on Mondays for people who are trying to heal their cptsd. I like it a lot, but it's only peer support and it's not like I can personally get to know anyone else there - besides pretty much everyone else who attends it is a lot older than me, sort of like on here lol. I know I need professional help, but I can't get a therapist at the moment because that would require me to tell my father or someone else here that I need one and it just doesn't feel like an emotionally safe action for me to take. I know that might sound like a bad excuse, but I've never exactly been open about my mental health with any of my relatives and I've gotten rather good at keeping everything contained inside of myself - so the thought of having to elaborate to any of them on why I "suddenly" need help feels out of the question for me. I would also rather just do all of it on my own terms - pick out the therapist on my own, pay for it myself, and go to the appointments without anyone knowing if possible. I just have no idea when I'll be able to do any of that since there's no saying when I'll have a job or just my own income of some kind. I have had a therapist before when I was 13 that my M made me go to, but it didn't exactly work out; and then when I was 14 I was also also briefly forced to start talking to a different one online that I had a bad experience with - so I already have some trust issues surrounding mental health professionals that will probably complicate things for me, unfortunately.

Yeah this post is getting impossibly long and I might split it into two parts so that it looks less like an essay -  and I don't know if anyone will even read all of this, but believe it or not I still have more to write haha.. Anyways, I came to the realization a while ago that social isolation is definitely not good for me and exacerbates every other problem on my seemingly never ending list of them. At first I didn't mind spending so much time alone in my room after I was done with school for good and I liked all the free time I had for those first few months. However, a few months has now turned into over a year and my room has gone from being a sanctuary to feeling like a prison cell. It might sound like I'm exaggerating, but it's true - when you're in the same place for so long you begin to dread it. I have nowhere to go, no one to talk to on a regular basis (a lot of the time the only other person I see is my father in the evening), and nothing to do besides my usual routines. I go outside every day in the evening for a walk to get some exercise and during the cooler months (or just when it's not too hot outside) I like to try and get out in the first half of the day as well to take a short walk around my neighborhood and sit at the dog park - which is pretty nice and the only form of nature that I really have access to; and while all of that is good and gets me out of the house, it doesn't exactly solve my social isolation issue. I don't talk to anyone when I go out for my walk and I can't even stand to make eye contact with anyone I pass by on the sidewalk. Once in a while, usually if I go out to the dog park earlier in the day, one of the neighbors might try to interact with me a little - which never fails to be super awkward lol, and then they'll typically get the memo that I don't want to socialize. Which isn't 100% true, but I can't say I feel super incentivized to try and befriend any of these people with whom I have (probably) nothing in common with, can't really relate to, and just aren't in my age group. Another obstacle I have in the way is my inability to easily get around the city I live in on my own; It's very car dependent and not walkable whatsoever - and I just so happen to have a phobia of driving and refuse to learn how to do it. So this makes transportation a major challenge for me; and while there is public transportation here it's apparently unreliable and just not very good. Which leaves my only other options to be ridesharing (not financially realistic), trying to walk everywhere (wouldn't really be possible), or obtaining either a bicycle or e-scooter and learning how to ride it. I never learned how to ride a bike when I was younger because I have bad balance I guess, so the idea of trying to teach myself how to so I can use it to get around has been lingering in my mind for some time now - with an e-scooter being another option, although I don't know I'd get one. The only idea I've had for getting myself out of this isolation I'm in that might have a chance of working out is trying to volunteer somewhere. I'm just not sure where exactly or if I'd even be accepted anywhere or how I would get there or any of that - but I figure that it's hopefully easier than getting a job, will let me be around other people more often, and that I could use it as a form of "experience" or something to put on a resume since there's nothing else I could put on one. I don't know if any of that will even work out, but I know I still need to try if it seems like the only thing I might be able to do that will let me find a way out of this lonely state.


  I don't mean to come off as being super self-pitying or like a helpless victim with all of this, but I can't help but feel this persistent sense of powerlessness over my circumstances. I've felt this lack of control over my own life for a long time and it drives me mad. I'm constantly getting thrown into negative thought loops, catastrophizing, eternity thinking, and other cognitive distortions that are getting harder to pull myself out of. The way I think makes it all worse as well - I'm pretty much always over intellectualizing everything, my inner monologue is very overwhelming and never shuts up, and it's just like my brain has been on overdrive for the longest time. I have been practicing meditation on a regular basis ever since I started trying to get better, and while I like doing it and have been consistent with it, it hasn't exactly been a magic fix for my anxiety or deeply ingrained thinking patterns. On and off I've been trying to make an effort to practice mindfulness more intentionally throughout the day to train myself to stop living in my head so much and be in my body and surroundings more, but it's apparent that none of that is going to be easy for me and that it will probably take years for me to become more present in that way. The way my life is right now also just seems to be a breeding ground for all this anxiety, worrying, uncertainty, and just a bunch of negative feelings and thoughts in general, so I don't want to put too much blame on myself for "not trying hard enough". Although I've also been stuck in this state of inaction and idleness where I'm not doing much of anything at all - not moving forward towards anything specific, not making momentum in anything, and just being unable to create any new goals for myself. I believe it's likely due to me being in a prolonged freeze state that I can only come out of for short periods of time; everything has just been way too overwhelming for awhile and I just can't seem to stay regulated for long enough.


 I really need to wrap up this tangent and not let things drag on for a millenia with this post lol, but there's just all these things that have me feeling like I've got a bucket stuck on my head and I'm just wandering around aimlessly and alone. It's like my whole life has just turned into a series of dilemma's, catch-22's, and cycles of the same feelings and mental states. I don't know what to call any of this besides a "rough period of my life" because I don't think it'd be a prolonged emotional flashback if it's all about my present day circumstances and problems? I've been trying to practice accepting all these feelings instead of resisting them or trying to solve/change them, like I'm prone to doing automatically. I suppose it helps to not immediately shame or judge my emotions, but not to make them go away completely or fix the things that make them keep coming back. In reality, there is no easy fix for any of the nonsense that's been weighing on my mind, eating away at me, and just making it hard for me to keep going. I'm trying the best I can to keep my head above water and hold on to this fraying thread, but my capacity has definitely reached a low point. Maybe that's why I felt the need to dump my brain out and take almost two weeks to type all of this out, and this isn't even everything I wanted to say but a part of me is starting to regret writing all of this lol - but it's too late to back down now. I usually try not to compare myself to others but lately I can't help but wish I was someone else or that I just had a different life. Even though I know things could be a lot worse in pretty much every way and that they have been worse than they are right now. There's just this discontentment with the way my life is going that has started to gnaw at the center of my being; this knowing that things shouldn't be like this right now. I'm not entirely sure what exactly I want my life to look like instead (and so many things just don't feel achievable for me) but I just know that it can't stay like this for too much longer. I feel like the worst thing about all of this though, is that I don't know how long this will all last - my messy psychological state, the unideal circumstances I feel trapped in, ect. I know that technically everything changes eventually, everything is temporary, and that nothing lasts forever - but the more time that passes, the worse I feel and the more depressed and anxious I get.


I could keep going and talk more about other things or elaborate on certain points or add more details, but what I have so far already feels too excessive and it's hard for me to imagine someone sitting down and just casually reading it all the way through lol - so this will be the last paragraph. I think it's important to mention that I am not experiencing any suicidal thoughts right now and that no one is obligated to reply with any of the crisis hotlines. I believe that no matter how bad it gets I still have things to live for - if not for myself, at the very least. I try to seek out every micromoment of goodness that I can and hold on to every small joy that I have like my life depends on it, because maybe it kind of does in a way. I've still been trying to take care of myself in the ways that I feel able to, even if it all kind of just feels like autopilot at this point. I've been having a hard time coping though - just a lot of dissociating in various ways, but that's not very surprising to me. I haven't given up completely on my personal healing journey though and I still try the best I can to practice self compassion/self gentleness/self soothing/self validation because I know those things are important when I'm struggling so badly with so much and I want to make sure that I'm on my own side. I'm also always reminding myself to try and focus on what is in my control versus what isn't - but it can be a bit difficult to distinguish between the two, especially if my whole mind is persistently a whirlpool like how it has been. Anyways I applaud you if you actually read everything I wrote, I know it was like waayy too much haha. I'm not exactly seeking advice for anything I went over in this btw - I just felt like I had a lot bottled up and needed to release some of it.

[Part 1 of 2]

Part 1 of 2

Hello, I know it's been a little while since I last posted here; I didn't exactly mean to take this long of a break from writing/posting - it's just that the last couple of weeks have been difficult for me and I didn't have the capacity for it. I haven't abandoned my journal on here and I do want to keep gradually sharing my personal history, but this post will be a bit different than the other ones and maybe a bit all over the place lol. I've been meaning to come in here and just type out a long rant about my life in the present without caring about any formalities, but I kept putting it off and wasting time instead I guess. But now I've decided to put in the conscious effort to be here and go on an angsty ramble about a bunch of stuff that's been bothering me and stressing me out.


I'm not sure where to begin, but let's just say I didn't start off September on a very good note and that the first two weeks of this month were challenging to say the least. I was trying my best not to lose my mind, but it kind of happened anyways and I'm still coming down from it and trying to get my routine back in order since it got all out of whack. Long story short, I've been severely worried about my future; particularly in the context of me being more independent from my family of origin and being financially secure/stable on my own. To elaborate, I've been a neet (an acronym that stands for someone who is not in education, employment, or training) ever since I graduated high school over a year ago. I was never interested in attending college while growing up for a couple reasons I guess; the main ones were because I just didn't like school and had no desire to pursue any education that wasn't required -  and I was passively suicidal for years so I didn't see the point of going through it if I was already planning to end it all after my cat passed away. I'm not in that headspace anymore though, so now I've been stuck in this awkward and uncomfortable position in life as I didn't start making a plan for my future early on like I perhaps should have - I just didn't think I'd be living past a certain age for a lot of my adolescence.


So now, on and off for the past year, I've been trying to "figure it out" and get myself together like I'm supposed to if I want to ever have a chance at living a life I can feel good about, right? Well that endeavor hasn't really been working out the way I want it to. I feel like I've taken pretty much every (free) career assessment I could find, have looked up countless things about all sorts of jobs and considered a variety of different things, and have spent an embarrassing amount of time scouring a bunch of subreddits related to it - only to end up hearing the same kind of advice and suggestions over and over again, which just gets annoying after awhile. I arrive at a dead end every single time I do all of this and can't seem to reach a conclusion that I feel confident about. Not to mention it took forever for me to get an ID and now is like the worst time possible to try and get a job of any kind - especially considering my lack of work experience, skills, qualifications, connections, ect. For context, I live in the U.S. and the job market and economy are in shambles right now and who knows when or if things will get better and it all feels so ridiculous and overwhelming. I'm not trying to hunt down the "perfect job" or anything because I know it probably doesn't exist for me; I just need something that is accessible to me, that I will be able to tolerate in the long term, and that will pay me enough to live. But I guess that's asking for too much nowadays and won't really be feasible for me to get. I just don't know what I'm "supposed" to be doing - I've thought about going to like community college or maybe getting a certification in something, but I'm not sure what the "smartest" way to go about it would be when there's a million different things I have to consider: the most "in demand field" is constantly changing it seems and so many of them are oversaturated and have too much competition, I have to worry about AI when it comes to certain positions, I need to consider what kind of jobs are "recession proof", what jobs are the most available in the area I live in, and then I always have to think about what's going to be personally sustainable for me since I have cptsd and other issues that I need to take into account and yeah its just way too much and I don't know what I'm doing.


Yes, I know I'm young and I technically "still have time" - but that time is not infinite and it's only gonna dwindle down more and more the older I get. I'm pretty much just expected to "figure it out on my own sooner or later" and well, the only thing I've figured out is that there's never gonna be a magical day where I figure it all out. This is all even more frustrating given the fact that I don't really care about working as a whole. I'm aware I have no choice but to exist under capitalism and that it's not something I can avoid doing for the rest of my life, but I'm generally just apathetic towards it - I never had a specific "dream job" while I was growing up and don't consider myself to be "career-driven" either. I know that technically "no one wants to work" (unless their job is their passion or something, but that doesn't seem super common) but the more I try searching for something that might suit me, the less I see the point in any of it. A part of me could care less about "hustle culture" or the "grind" or constantly "upskilling/reskilling" or networking or any of that nonsense. Another part of me knows that all of this is just a matter of survival and self-sufficiency for most people in the modern world and that I don't really have a choice if I want to live a comfortable life - but I also know that this is all just one big toxic game that I would rather not play. I have a hard time coping with the society I live in I guess; I always tell myself to only focus on the things that I have control over, but it's a bit difficult not to notice the state of the world right now. I don't want to be so negative and pessimistic because I know it's not good for me, but it's getting hard not to feel hopeless and doomed in a way. I know that everything changes eventually, either for the better or worse, and that things aren't all bad all the time - but right now things just feel bleak to the point where I'm not sure if I even have a future. I've noticed many members on the forum are much older than me, so I don't know if anyone that reads this will really understand it when I say that being a young person right now just sucks, as much of a cliche that is. There's all these things that just feel too difficult to navigate on my own and no one is helping me. Neither of my parents really prepared me for adult life like they should have and now I almost feel stunted compared to my peers. It's also almost like I was set up to fail from the very beginning - I wasn't given the tools to succeed and I'm being left to my own devices and I'll eventually be forced to play catch-up sooner or later.


The reason I never stop worrying about the future is mainly due to what my life in the present is like. It's a bit of a long story, but when I was 16 I needed to leave my M's house because living there had gotten worse than it already had been for me and the only other place where I could be at was my grandma's house, so I've been here ever since. It's still not exactly ideal though; I'm not here because I want to be, I just had no other choice if I wanted to leave the situation I was in. I'm forced to rely on my father who also lives here for basic necessities and I can barely tolerate my grandma and aunt for various reasons that would take too long to get into right now. It's become more and more obvious to me that no one I live with is happy with how their life is going either, myself included. After I first moved here, I was just relieved to finally be away from my M and not be expected to go back to living with her. I'm still thankful to be away from my primary abuser, but over time I've realized that now I'll just be stuck with the parent who enabled her and his family for an undetermined amount of time. They all agree for the most part that my M is toxic and (somewhat) understand why I couldn't be in her house anymore, but they all also greatly lack self-awareness, to put it simply anyways. My father will probably never truly realize or acknowledge the consequences of his emotional neglect and unavailability and how he contributed to the development of my cptsd - which no one I'm related to even knows that I have. He is still capable of triggering an emotional flashback in me, so no matter how much he tries to act like he's the "good parent" he will never be an emotionally safe person for me. But it's either him or my M that I have to put up with since I'm still basically a kid that's never had a job and has no idea how to do any "adult things" yet, even if I'm technically legally considered an adult and it's all very frustrating.

Hey Sanmagic7, Im sorry you can relate 

Greetings to you as well NarcKiddo. My mother could get angry at me all she wanted, but I was never allowed to be angry at her, so yes certain emotions were reserved for her alone, although I don't know if she's uncomfortable with her own anger.

Hello Desert Flower, thank you for reading my journal and welcoming me. I'm sorry to hear that you're still carrying the feelings of unworthiness with you, that must be difficult. I don't hate on myself like I used to, but that sense of being unworthy is deeply ingrained and hard to shake off completely, so I understand.

Hi Chart, remembering things from early childhood can definitely be challenging, but it sounds like you uncovered something big recently. I have yet to really remember anything from that long ago, but maybe I will one day. Thank you for the support 

[TW: Implied emotional abuse]

I took a break from writing anything new for a couple days, and now it feels like I'm about to throw myself into the deep end haha...I figured it'd make sense to try to write about stuff in a chronological order (kind of), but I technically only know when my trauma started based off context clues - I don't actually remember. I'm not working with a whole lot, but I'll try to string together what I do know into something coherent, hopefully.


TW: Implied emotional abuse

So I have a couple of vague memories of my M telling other people about how awful and terrible 3 year old me was. I don't know how often she would do this, but whenever she did in front of me, I can sort of remember how I'd just freeze up and feel this shame wash over me. In the moment I didn't realize that she was pretty much publicly humiliating me and that what I was feeling was called toxic shame - all I knew is that she'd like to bring up these stories about me having the "worst temper tantrums ever" and that'd it make me uncomfortable in a way I didn't really understand. My M talked about me like I was some sort of monster that was impossible to contain. It was obvious she saw 3 year old me's difficult emotions as something shameful and embarrassing and that I was treated with contempt and disdain every time I broke out into one of these temper tantrums. Apparently, according to her, I got so bad in public places that she'd have to lock me in a public restroom stall with her until I "calmed down" - whatever that means. As far as I know, she didn't hit me, but it's not like I can say anything like that with complete certainty either, since I can't directly remember any of this. Either way, I know that my emotions were harshly rejected and I got the message that me having and expressing negative feelings was not acceptable and that I was a "bad child" for crying, getting angry, ect.

End TW


That's about as much as I know in regards to how it all started. I guess my M likes babies, but I became a problem once I started walking and talking. A toddler starting to gain their sense of self and experiencing big feelings that they don't know how to regulate were my first crimes, apparently. It's gotten more obvious to me over time that this was a big attachment disturbance for me. As soon as I was in elementary school and around other kids, I had these persistent jealousy issues. I didn't know why at the time, but while I was growing up, I always felt like I needed one person all to myself - a best friend who considered me to be the closest person to them. If they had any other friends that they were close to, this would upset me and I'd get desperate to be the most special to them - I'd even lash out a little sometimes about it. By the age of 10 I started to get the sense that there was something "different" about me compared to the other kids, something I just couldn't pinpoint. It felt like there was this invisible wall between me and everyone else, and it frustrated me that I couldn't figure out what was "wrong" with me. Eventually, between the ages of 13-15, I ended up re-enacting this early trauma with people who all had their own unresolved trauma. My feelings, needs, and problems became a burden all over again; I was rejected, invalidated, dismissed, and emotionally abandoned all over again. I started seeing myself as this otherworldly monster for having these difficult emotions, unmet needs, and psychological issues - just like my M did all those years ago. I feel like I'm beginning to ramble, but back then I loathed myself so strongly; I believed I was inherently unloveable and that there was something deeply wrong with me that could never be fixed.


Anyways, that's all in the past now, and I'm not in that terrible headspace anymore, although I am struggling with various other things. I could go on and on about my M, but this already took me long enough to finish writing, so there will probably be other posts of me ranting about her sometime in the future.

Hello Chart and NarcKiddo, I would agree with both of you that me feeling like I'm doing something wrong is conditioning from my past. Growing up, it was considered bad to mention anything "not nice" about another person, any negative feelings I was having, or just anything that was bothering me. But the truth is, there's a lot of not-so-nice things I can say about the people I'm related to, and I have plenty of negative feelings and things that bother me. Talking about all of it does make me uncomfortable because I'm not used to it, but yes I am trying to go at my own pace. Thank you for your responses.

Hi Hope67, thank you for the hug of support

Hey Sanmagic7, I agree that we were taught to keep things hidden and that our truths are our realities.

 

[Note: I forgot to mention this in the first post, but I write all my posts in google docs a little bit before I actually post them on the forum, just for organizational purposes.]

So a bit about my family of origin or "FOO": my mother is most likely an emotionally abusive covert narcissist and my father is the emotionally unavailable/absent bystander parent. A rather insidious combination; death by a thousand (invisible) cuts type of cptsd. I suspect there is generational trauma at play in both sides of my family, but I don't know a lot of the details - just things I've picked up here and there.


Mother's side: Definitely "sweep it under the rug" type of people - because if we act like nothing bad ever happens and there's never any problems, then it must be true, right? I've noticed my mother's mom (my grandma, technically, but I don't like calling her that for some reason) has this pattern of getting with weird and predatory men (who most likely don't treat her well), but it's never actually talked about out loud. I wasn't exactly told a whole lot about her upbringing, but she's always had a sort of strange vibe about her? I never really got that close to her, either. However, I do know that my mother's father has been addicted to drugs for a long time and wasn't exactly present as a healthy-and-functional father figure. My mother's siblings all have different dads that I don't really know anything about - but when I put bits and pieces together, it becomes more and more apparent to me that there's some deeply ingrained patterns of dysfunction that none of them have really untangled or healed from.


Father's side: I currently live with some of them, and I know a little more about my grandma on this side, since I was closer to her while growing up. Although now, she's more difficult for me to be around as she's almost always complaining about something and being pretty negative a lot of the time - not to mention her major road rage issue (among other things). With her, it's somewhat more obvious to me that she has some unresolved childhood trauma and that none of her children's fathers were good people. I feel like I know even less about my real grandfather on this side; I think I might have briefly heard that he was an alcoholic that ran away from the family? I'm not completely certain what the story is there, but it does seem like there's a similar pattern going on in both sides. My father and his two sisters all grew up into...questionable people, to say the least.


I've also heard that both of my parents apparently grew up poor, so that might also be a contributing factor in things. There's definitely more I could say about all my relatives, but I don't want to accidentally overshare or make it too much to read. I'll probably be writing more about some of them later on in here if I think it's relevant enough. I don't exactly like anyone I'm related to though, so most of it might come off as "badmouthing", but I have my reasons.


I've also recognized that I have a small part of me that feels unsure and doubtful about using my recovery journal on here in this way. Like I'm doing something that I'm "not supposed to" and that I'm somehow going to get in trouble for exposing my parents and relatives or for sharing too much or something like that. I've been holding back and "keeping the peace" for my entire life though. The constant invalidation and gaslighting made me believe that I can't trust my own feelings or experiences. I think it's probably just a result of being silenced for so long and now I'm worried that I'm doing something wrong. I know most of the members use their recovery journals in a different way from this, but I don't think anything I put here will go against the guidelines? I'm probably just overthinking all of this like I do with everything else .-.

Note: I forgot to mention this in the first post, but I write all my posts in google docs a little bit before I actually post them on the forum, just for organizational purposes.

Hello Sanmagic7 and StartingHealing, thank you for your warm replies

Hello Chart and NarcKiddo, thank you ^_^

Hello, I'm not too sure how I should start one of these, but recently I've been looking around on this board for a little bit and I have a general idea of what I can write about in my own recovery journal. I've been journaling on a mostly consistent basis for around six years and have both physical and digital journals; but I've never had one like this where other people can see what I write and respond back, so I am kind of nervous about this. I feel like it's something I need to do though in order to practice opening up since I've been so closed-off for a long time; and I hope I can actually commit myself to posting on here.


It's obvious to me that I've gone unheard my whole life - I don't think there is anyone who really knows my whole story or the extent of all the psychological pain I've been through. Actually talking about myself beyond surface level things and letting someone get to know me on a more intimate level feels like one of the scariest things I could ever do. It'd require that I trust another person enough to feel able to share all of those sensitive things - my deepest thoughts, feelings, and childhood wounds. I still don't know if I could ever do that, although the more I progress in my healing, the more I think about opening up to the idea of it more, as a risk I will have to take if I'm ever going to have a healthy and real emotional connection with someone.


In my introduction post I mentioned how I had experienced a few different trauma re-enactments all online a handful of years ago, and how it may make me reluctant to interact with the other members of the forum. I'm still trying to move past all of it and not let my fear control me so much, but I get the sense that this fear might always be with me in some form; of course I'd like to avoid being retraumatized by people I meet on the internet all over again, or just people in general. However, I've come to the conclusion that talking to people on here, even if we're all anonymous and technically strangers to each other, feels a lot more safe and controlled than talking with someone one-on-one in an online setting. The chances of being invalidated, rejected, or dismissed definitely don't feel as high - I'm still a little cautious though, since nothing is full-proof.


I will probably write about my trauma history in segments instead of all at once in one super long post, so as to not overwhelm myself or anyone who decides to read my journal. The main bulk of my trauma is emotional/psychological in nature, so I don't think there will be any super graphic descriptions of anything physically or sexually disturbing, but I will put trigger warnings throughout just in case. I don't know how much detail I'll put, but I still feel a bit weird to be telling what feels like my life story to a forum on the internet, but I suppose that's a given lol. I said I would write about things in segments, but my posts will probably still be pretty long and may feel like one essay after another, as I have a lot bottled up inside of me. Of course, no one is obligated to read anything I write here and only respond if you want to.

Hello Molleymae, welcome to the forum. I hope you find the understanding, support, and connection you deserve here 

Now you have dipped your toe back into the forum I am happy to read that you are thinking about making more use of it. There's no rush, of course. And do remember that if you decide to start a recovery journal it is totally on your own terms. So if you want to have a place where you just get your truth out without interruption or input from others then you can request that and it will be respected. On the other hand if you want discussion you can make that clear, too. I find it very interesting to see the different journals on here and how people like to use that section.

 

I am still debating with myself on whether or not to start one, but recently I keep having recurring thoughts about my past and family-of-origin and whatnot, and that kind of gives me the sense that I have a weight I need to drop. So if I went through with it I have a feeling it would just be one long angry trauma dump/rant - which would probably be carthartic, but might also leave me a bit activated.

I'm also a maladaptive daydreamer so escaping from reality is pretty much my specialty lol.

I can 100% relate. When I start to daydream more and more often ans space out more and more often, that´s when I know that I´m stressed and overwhelmed. It´s a very good indicator actually that something´s off, at least for me. Our mind/body system is very clever, it´s trying to help us to cope and gives us signals, we just need to listen and connect the dots, which you are already doing in my opinion. 

Yes, the excessive daydreaming can be seen as a form of dissociation that acts as a protective mechanism, especially in the context of cptsd.

StrawberryCat, i'm glad you reached out to real people, too, and agree w/ what everyone else said. we are here for you when and if you feel safe enough to be vulnerable.  hopefully, you'll be able to utilize the forum to your advantage.  i also read a lot and have found it to be therapeutic at times, or just calming/soothing.  good to hear from you. here's a gentle hug, if that's ok.

Hello sanmagic7, I accept your hug  and I have been thinking about utilizing the forum more, maybe even starting my own recovery journal on here just to get my truth out (if I don't talk myself out of it first haha).

Hi strawberrycat, I ditto everything that Kizzie and NarcKiddo said. I think it´s understandable that you were looking for a way to safely connect and to talk about all the things that are bothering you. I don´t have personal experience with using AI, but I can relate to your need very much. It´s a very basic human need to connect and in your situation (but it´s also the case of many people with CPTSD) it was through AI that you could create this safe place. I also struggle with similar things like feeling isolated and unable to connect to people due to fear (of rejection, criticism, of being attacked) and often I´m so overwhelmed by all the things going on externally and internally, that I feel like I have to escape, have to crawl back into my safe shell, because it´s just too much. For me, it´s always been the stories - reading and creating stories is my escape route, it calms my nerves and gives me the feeling of safety.

It´s very hard for us, who have been hurt so much, to start to trust (again) and reach out, but I think by writing this post and talking about your experience, you´re doing a very good job and a service to yourself. I´m glad you decided to give it a try after a year and I hope you´ll find here the connection that you´re looking for or at least part of it. 

Hello Dalloway, I remember you responded to my post from last year as well. Yes, the need to connect and have a safe place is strong, but so is the fear. I relate to you using stories as an escape route; I grew up being a pretty avid reader and I still find myself getting absorbed in stories of all forms (animated shows, movies, webcomics, audiobooks, ect) to distract myself from constantly ruminating about my problems and all the other things that overwhelm me. I'm also a maladaptive daydreamer so escaping from reality is pretty much my specialty lol. Thank you for acknowledging my post.