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i feel like my time is running out

the money is going away draining away

i feels inevitable that i will be broke and homeless and dead. theyre going to eat me

Requesting access, feeling very paranoid lately. Is that ok to say? Idk, perfectionism. Thanks in advance : )

I was scammed. I was led astray. My concerns were valid but they were ignored, minimized, pushed aside. I was reassured it would be ok.  Because doing that was easier than truly addressing my problems, and besides, it was hard for them to deal with my panic and CRTR responses.

But my concerns were valid. And I neededed help addressing them because my panic always prevents me from getting things done. But that's not the help I was given. I was scammed and given false promises instead. Ugh. Difficulty. People keep taking advantage of me.


Here's why I wrote this. I woke up this morning and, as per usual, my mind went into spiral mode, or something like that. After going to the bathroom, I tried to calm down and see if I could sleep some more, or at least have some calm rest. But my trauma had different ideas. I just kept having stressful feelings, mostly fear and anxiety. And I wouldn't say my thoughts were racing exactly, but I just couldn't get my head to stop thinking about the causes of those feelings

Good to get it out. There's always more inside, but that's normal for us, isn't it? More and more and more. I've had lots of things swimming around in here for so long, not knowing how to get out.

Support responses are fine. I'm not really sure how I would react if people tried more problem-sovling type responses, so please refrain from that. I'm sure people won't realize that they're leaning into what I would call problem-solving, though... so just try not to say anything that would induce more work from me, inluding emotional labor. I have plenty of things in my head to pursue for my trauma healing already.

Ugh. I thought I was done, but opening the browser to come find the website and post this led me to remembering more stressful stuff. That's one reason it's been hard to trust in the treatments that have been given to me. They say to clear your mind or let things go - there's always more stuff flooding in.

Still. Please respect my wishes regarding responses. Oh yeah, and I hope I remember to draw some of my feelings. I was thinking of drawing something involving shackles.

ahhhhhh sooo much stuff to write about... this thing that thing this thing that thing that thing that thaaaanggg!!!

aeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh

you know what i mean?

whanted to write a thing to some of my friends about how im finally starting to really address my trauma, hopefully it can help them as well. want to write stuff to some of them individually.

so much stuff to processs. but right now, my mind is free of such thoughts. 
a weird occurrence.

oh yeah, the doctor's appoint ment yesteray. theres a lot i couled write about that, but i dont think im going to. its too mcuh. its like aaaaa. its like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

you know what i mean

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i been dancing around a bit today. i think it helped with my pots. i really need to eat more food today. soon i will have rice, i guess, probably should get that started before i finishe this poist. nah i'll just come back to this later

and now the terror dog has finally broken my skin. hope i can prevent an infection.

Hi, everyone. Due to my excessive trauma history, I've accumulated so many triggers that infuence me into thinking or feeling certain ways. Ideas and other people's experiences are absolutely some of those triggers. So, I ask that nobody respond to this topic; I just want a place to vent. Oh, looks like I can lock it.

I have been so overwhelmed. I came the closest I've ever been to really hurting myself or maybe even ending my life. This was about a moth ago. My best friend/roommate/more accurately, the friend who is letting me stay with him, got kind of pissed at me for telling him that I was going to do it and he needed to stop me. That wasn't the part that pissed him off. What pissed him off was he felt manipulated when I told him later I wasn't really going to do it. I don't know if it was really even accurate to tell him that. I felt it at the time. I feel like my memory may be unreliable.

I was trying to help him feel less stressed about me being here when I told him I wasn't really close to killing myself. Lessen his stress for my own safety, you know? He seemed so freaked out about the whole situation. And there's so much tension here. Place is killing me. I've brought up a few things and it went so poorly that I have completely closed myself off. Just -immediate- stress response from him when I brought things up. Can't get support from someone in that kind of state.

I just cannot escape the constant spiraling. I never feel safe. I am trying things to build safety within my body, but with everything going on, I just don't feel safe at all. I need to get out of here, but financially, I don't know how in the *Purgatory* I'm going to live.

This world just keeps getting harder. And I feel like if I'd done the right things earlier in life, I would've never had to deal with all of this pain, despair, agony, miasma.
Of course, obsessively ruminating on doubting my whole past and future is the main part of what keeps me in this limbo, so I'm trying to work on that.

I recently had an intro appointment with a potential hypnotherapist. I was pretty hopeful, but she got frustrated with me or something. She was really concerned that I wasn't in a state to try some of the calming techniques that she wanted me to do, but I have tried many such things and they sometimes backfire. Also I was in a really overwhelmed state about my doctor's appointment, which happens to be tomorrow, and needed things to go much slower than they were. For the sake of my nerves. I was pretty hopeful beforehand and during, but then towards the end with all of her hesitations I got less confident. I'm supposed to reply to her email and set up another free call, so I suppose that'll happen neck's week. It's a lot of money, over $149/hr. So that part is also scary. But she came recommended, and I'm desperate, and I really have no other way of generating leads on treatments due to how blasted with stress my nervous system is. Argh! Deal with it soon enough. I think I'll send her a partial reply after I'm done writing this.

In the event of me forgetting to lock this topic after replying in the future, please do not respond.

I'm back. Thinking about venting here more. Materially, things have gotten much worse, but at least there is some hope sometimes. I'm maybe learning some actual effective strategies for once.

Not dead yet!

I never wanted to be here. I was forced into this situation because I was forced out of the other situation. I was forced to deal with personablies outside of my control and frankly out of control in general. The reason I became so insistent on expressing myself was because you didn't let me decide not to say things. You wouldn't accept it if I changed my mind about expressing something. So that built me an anxiety and how was I supposed to deal with that.

Thanks for the replies yall. I wanted to respond more detailed-ly but I didn't get around to it. I'm just going to write a small update to help myself get used to this.

I've had a few big fights with my partner. It's realized me that I still have some serious dread and triggers attached to our relationship. It's complicated because I was forced into this living situation due to my circumstances. I knew it was a risk, and it was very, very stressful at the beginning. I often felt I wasn't being heard. And we have an issue where I feel no matter what I say, it's not heard because they get defensive, which makes me very angry, and if I let that anger out at all obviously that only reinforces that. So we've had a vicious cycle.

I talked to an online friend for severable hours last night. It was so validating that I ended up staying up all night and probably fell asleep around 3:40a. I was concerned because people really don't want to engage socially anymore since the pandemic. It's so hard to try to talk to new people when you know most people aren't into intentional engagement with the issues in their lives (like loneliness)

In short, asdfahsdkghaksjfhaksdhfjalsdkflhajskvjarlgjalekrgjalkjdglk

[PLEASE:]

Before I start, I've written a disclaimer at the end about what kind of responses are triggering to me. Please read it if you decide to respond. OK thanks, the post follows:

I've been having such a horrible time with sleep. Chronic sleep problems are a part of my 2nd illness trauma and I've been struggling with that for 9-10 years. I've been unable to hold down jobs because of the energy and panic issues I have, so I'm now on disability and I spend many days almost completely unable to physically engage with the world. It's a completely different life than many of can imagine.

Some background before I get into the recent developments: My subconscious is extremely sensitive to stimuli while I'm asleep and I've had to use earplugs and blackout curtains since this started. Also, if the temperature changes noticeably while I'm asleep, I'll wake up.

Usually when I wake up, my heart is pounding and sometimes I'm breathing heavily. It's incredibly difficult to get back to sleep most of the time. In the beginning, this would happen kind of randomly but I'd be severely freaked out about it. It was due to drinking 2-4 cups of tea or coffee a day, but even after I realized it and stopped, the problem didn't go away. I was doomed to suffer the consequences even though I was desperately trying to figure it out. If I'd known more about my OCD and CPTSD back then, maybe I wouldn't be in this kind of position today. I'm absolutely positive it's got to do with trauma response and my autonomic nervous system.

I've tried going to sleep doctors and tried a number of things including CPAP and dental devices. Nothing helped. I won't get into the details just now because this post is already huge.



Back to my experience with sleep. Usually I go to bed around 11-12. When my sleep is bad, I'll wake up in the 4-6a range, then try to go back to sleep. Most of the time I can't do it unless I'm severely sleep-deprived (for me, this is a level that most people can't imagine, because I'm always significantly deprived) or using some kind of sleep aid like melatonin.

I mentioned I'm very sensitive to temperature changes. So every fall and winter, the temp of the house becomes less stable and my sleep gets much worse. Also, the humidity gets worse which also makes me cough sometimes, though I have humidifiers and whatnot. I've been living in a new place this year and have been really struggling to get my sleep consistent.

Recently I went through a period where I was sleeping through the night sometimes but just feeling absolutely drained throughout the day regardless. I was unable to do a lot of the things I had planned on doing like giving my grandmom her Xmas present (although that was also due to her rescheduling) and getting my oil changed. Then, I stopped sleeping through the night, instead waking up after 4-5h of sleep every night.

The way I've been feeling when I wake up is so painful. When I wake up and my brain feels like it's not functioning, and my nervous system is in a state of panic, I sometimes feel like I'm doomed. I've been thinking about death so often (doesn't help that my partner's kid has leukemia). It's not suicidal but it's very bleak. I've felt so bad that I decided to start taking some Lexapro again, even though it always makes me extremely sleepy during the day.

After talking with my partner, we're thinking my dental health may be contributing to my sleep issues. My wisdom teeth came in partially and really jumbled up all my other teeth. I'm thinking of getting them removed and seeing if I need to realign my teeth with something like Invisalign. I've got pain near my wisdom teeth and in my jaw so maybe this was a huge part of the problem the whole time.

Anyway, this is the end of the post because writing this took a lot out of me. I feel like I probably didn't need to go into as much detail, but I wanted to protect myself from getting in the same patterns where people think they know what I'm going through but they don't realize just how much I've been through. IDK, I'm tired and not making sense. I hope I can get a little relief soon.



PLEASE: if you decide that you want to give suggestions, advice, or anything like that, keep in mind I've tried so many different ways to address these problems. Please keep in mind that I probably have tried many of the things that people will think of. I have so many interconnecting health issues that they get in the way of being able to do a lot of the interventions that doctors try

So feel free to ask if I've tried things, but write in a curious way rather than believing you know what will fix me. Because so many people have told me to do things that were supposed to help and were just not helpful that I have a danger response for people telling me what to do or giving advice.

[post]

Seems like the pill has long lasting strange effects. I don't think I'll take it again TBH. At any rate, thanks for asking about suggestions. I really would prefer you didn't give any at this time because it's a trigger for me. Thanks for posting 🙂

Well, it happened again. I woke up after maybe 4.5 hrs of sleep. Yeaeaghhh...

It's not hitting me hard like it was just a week ago. I've been training myself to accept the present, accept all the uncomfortable stimuli. It has helped me stay out of the future anxiety to a degree. "Living in the moment" is so tricky, when you've been trained your whole life that the moment can be filled with danger. Trained to look out for that danger or suffer the consequences. But I do think I'm making good progress with that pursuit.

Thought about posting here first, but I decided to try an herbal pill (alleged painkiller) that I hadn't tried yet and call up a crisis hotline. It has been a while since I decided to call one, as it usually isn't helpful in the ways I'd like.

I had an idea to preface the conversation with my ground rules - no suggestions, tips, advice, none of that stuff from the script to make me come up with solutions like "what do you normally do to help yourself feel better." I'm sure a lot of you can relate to the issue being nothing reliably helps and I feel this way so often. I just think everything in society, including therapists, psychiatrists, doctors, and hotlines, are infected to some degree with the biases and unhealthy beliefs that uphold abuse. And My God It Sucks.

But yeah, it was a good convo, even if I didn't fall asleep during or after. I decided to get some breakfast, which usually helps me get back to sleep. But I honestly am not feeling super tired, which is weird. I think my nervous system upregulates and downregulates the stress response and such while I'm processing different things relating to my traumas.

Could also be the pill I took. But I felt different than I usually do when I woke up, and a lot of herbal pills don't do much of anything, so who knows for now. I think more answers will come in time.


Been thinking about my mother (who neglected/abused me) and how she's stuck in her early childhood identity. I'd like to find a way to coexist since my other family lives with her. She tries to be a good person but she's so goddamn bad at it, and she won't listen when you tell her she's hurting you. Obviously that's caused me a lot of pain. She must have been through some rough * when she was super young or she wouldn't be the way she is. I hope all the members of my family can learn to heal from these awful patterns.

Edit: thanks for the support, storyworld and woodsgnome. It's nice to hear <3

Well, here I go. I've journaled before, but not in a long, long time. I got really tied up in my head around the feelings that come up with journaling, I guess. I think it may have been since my 2nd health crisis started.

.. So many thoughts swirling. I wasn't very comfortable with that feeling, I Rember.

It's weird how you have to deal with the present in order to deal with the past. I haven't been in the habit of feeling safe for a very, very, very long time. When you have OCD, you know you can't run from the bad feelings. So I learned to repeat them to myself, so I could figure out solutions. But when you're absolutely sure your problems have no solutions anymore, because everything you try blows up in your face, you just end up drowning yourself in regret, shame, and guilt.

I think about those feelings a lot.

I've shared in group settings before. Al-Anon, ACOA, stuff like that. It feels so good to share but sometimes it can be so hard to listen. Especially when my mind was so predisposed to make judgments. Also to make decisions to try to get myself closer to the internal safety and peace that I so desperately craved.

So yeah, I think it will be good to come here and write for myself, and take in everything else at a slower pace than I used to.

I hope my life situation will be stable after everything changes. Because I really want to keep working on myself like this. There's nothing I want more

Thanks so much! You too

Thanks tofu. I'll look at the journaling section. And I'm not currently in a spiral or anything, although I definitely have been in those. ... I think I just realized the way I communicate about my issues is heavily influenced by the time restrictions that you always get in therapy. Hopefully I can relax out of those habits in time