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I dont know if this post goes under "Sense of threat" but I couldn't fit it anywhere else.

Victim of CSA here. Perpetrator was sibling who was 2 years older than me. CSA went on for over a decade.

Now he has a daughter. Im NC with him but mid-to-low contact with FOO. Recently came across the toddler's photo in some family group chat.

The toddler resembles my childhood pictures. I guess I wasn't expecting that at all and it sort of shocked me. I guess I forgot all about genetics. Here I was, foolish me, thinking... now that I'm NC with him, there's nothing left; there's no connection.

My husband doesn't see the resemblance. Am I imagining it then? Is it about perception? And what if she does resemble me? Poor girl has no choice, we do share genes i guess as an aunt and a niece. But how do I ignore these feelings in me?

There's tears, hurt, "I dont want his kid to look like little Blue Sky". But there's also a tiny bit of feeling of "oh she's a cute baby, just like I was".

What do I do with this confusion?

Thank you for the hugs xx

Gosh yesterday was so difficult. And today suddenly is all good. Sometimes I hate these extreme rollercoaster-ing of days, it's too confusing.
I woke up nice and early and feeling fresh too. Everything feels normal today and I feel stupid for how I felt yesterday.

Still coming to terms with "It was okay to feel what/how I felt yesterday".
I had told myself that I'd work for a couple of hours and then bail. However I did stick around the whole day so  for that.

"THIS SH*T ENDS HERE! THERE WILL BE NO MORE ABANDONMENT TRAUMA IN THIS %#!&-ing family... I gave simple solid honest value to my daughter, both my kids... My dear good children: I see you, I recognize your difficulties. You are valid, you are worthy and though it needs no proof, the love I feel for you makes it all true."

Chart I have told you this during our zoom calls as well. Your kids are super lucky to have a superDAD like you! People always talk about superMOMs and compare mums to wonderwoman. You, Chart, my friend, are a HERO.

  

It seems like Blue Sky bloomed once in March 2025 and then wilted away. I am so horrible with journaling when things are not too bad or when things have actually been good.

2025 was so much better. My international holiday in 2025 was to Canada. I can proudly say I've stepped foot in 3 continents now 

Work is alright. I definitely should be looking for jobs that are more inclined towards psychology than just stay with asbestos in my comfort zone. But haven't done that yet.

Study was good. Although I have another "pass" in my report (2 pass so far, rest have been credit or distinction).
I think this is my parents' voice though. That pass is just not good enough, that pass is unacceptable.
Although I do require a minimum average mark in order to get to the 4th year Honours Degree.

End of 2025 was productive. Hosted Christmas lunch for 22 people, painted couple of walls in the house.

Lots of EMDR work with little blue and teenage blue.


There were some hard days. It wasn't all rainbows and bright blue skies. In fact, just this morning I had a massive anxiety attack on my way to work.
No reasons, no explanations, no triggers (well I haven't figured any of these so far), just a lot of tears and emotions.
I had to pull up at a servo and grab some maccas to binge eat. (Petrol Station and McDonalds for my non-aussies, also flexing my Aussie slangs lol)
I had 2 cups of coffee and 2 breakfasts before 8.30 and 1 x 500ml energy drink before midday.


I just want to remind my own self that it's okay. I don't believe it right now. In fact I feel extremely guilty and angry for binge eating and pulling over and calling in sick yesterday and napping whole day being unproductive and for being a stupid, crying *curse word* for no reason.

But it's okay. It's okay to not believe it right now as well.

Hug to self 

Thank you guys 
It's so good to know that there are people who understand me and cheer for me in my smallest victories too.

Blue Sky has been able to keep blooming so far in 2025. One of my biggest achievements (at workplace) I have noticed this month is that I didn't call in sick or have annual leave for the whole month of March. It's a big deal for me because I find it extremely difficult to go to work post nightmares or when I am mentally and/or physically exhausted. Hoping I can keep this up for April as well. And I can't wait for Easter long weekend. I'm hoping to get a wall painted in my house with the help of my partner. Hoping it could be an activity we get to do together, let's see....

I have been MIA the whole of 2024 I think. It was such a rollercoaster year. But Blue Sky is back and would like to start a new journal which finally feels like a "Recovery Journal" rather than just "Blue's blues".

I want to quickly wrap up my 2024 in this first Bloom because as much as it sucked big time, I do want to remember the whole "This too shall pass" and believe in it.

I was excited and looking forward to 2024. Especially the new job with more money and Japan trip.

The new company was horrible. I felt it in the 1st week itself but kept pushing myself and thought it would get better and that I would try one more week. Week turned into month and next thing I know it's 7th month and my depression was going in a steep downhill motion.
I enjoyed Japan trip in April. I thought a holiday would make things better.
My mother returned back to her country but then MIL came to live with us.

By September I couldn't recognise myself. I was constantly tired and couldn't focus on anything.
I applied for another job but I got grilled during the interview. I lost whatever self-esteem I had remaining.
I didn't show up to work for a week because my anxiety was over the roof.
With my doctor and therapist's help I managed to finally drive to work one day but couldn't even stay an hour. I just left and cried all the way back home.

Organised an urgent appointment with the doc and next thing I know, I'm admitted to the Psych Ward.

(Side note: I was still offered a job so I had something lined up. YAY)

It was going to be 2~3 weeks admission depending on my progress. The first week was horrid. I had to share a room, I felt super anxious and always on alert but tired and in bed most of the time. But I made sure I attended groups because Blue Sky doesn't like disrespecting others.

By second week I felt more comfortable walking around the ward, talking to my doc and nurses. I was introduced to another mood stabiliser that worked like magic for me and I started enjoying groups as well. I even went for Art Therapy and Hydro Therapy. At the same time I was even managing to get uni assignments done! Go ME!

Third week was a bit rough again. By now I liked being inside the four walls of the hospital. It felt safe there. Outside world sounded dangerous. And I didn't know what this new job would be like. A new company again, new people again, everything was scary.

But with the help and support from my doc, my therapist and my lovely partner, I came back home much stronger and for the first time in forever, I felt like a small part of me is healing. It's hard to describe the feeling. It's hard to know what worked at that Psych Ward because it was mostly just group classes like DBT and a few other engaging activities but I came out so much better.

Joined the new company in October and it has been much more pleasant working condition and my colleagues are nice too.

Blue Sky climbed Sydney Harbour Bridge for my own Independence Day in November. And by December, this surging rollercoaster was slowing down and I could finally step off and BREATHE.   

Is there a deadline for this? I'd like to give it a go but I have exams tomorrow so cannot write today. If it's okay to write and send tomorrow (11th June), i will do so after my exams.

[Armee]

Good luck with your work Armee. I hope it's going smoothly 

[Armee]

Maybe I should tell him he's lucky to have so many partners. 🤔

haha Armee love your sense of humour (esp. despite feeling down).

[Little2Nothing]

Beautiful poem Little2Nothing and I actually enjoyed the "old fashiony" feel of it   

[BecomingMe]

Thank you BecomingMe

Teenage Blue used to love poetry and loved writing her thoughts as poems. But since she kept getting scrutinised by FOO about her poems, somewhere along the journey of life she stopped writing them.

I have a diary or two of some poems she wrote but sadly, I can't seem to write new ones as an adult.

We're so happy for you Bert 
 

Not foolish, not bad, not lost. Just an extraordinarily brave little girl   

NK I just read through the whole post. Firstly a warm hug and also a  for the communication with your H. He seems like a lovely person.

What you wrote wasn't petty at all. I feel defensive too if someone asks me to share things that belongs to "me". For me they are usually pretty stationery items, things that I never owned as a kid I think. So if my H lets our niece use my colour pencils, or my stickers or origami papers, I feel like crying. I feel like the kid whose parents would scream "sharing is caring".

I hope short term changes makes it easier to deal with EFs and that in long term you can work on the symptoms. 

[Note to self: I want you to remember today, this feeling of healing after the job interview]

Note to self: I want you to remember today, this feeling of healing after the job interview

Couple of months ago when my current employer decided that everyone's work hours would be reduced to 3 days a week, I was devastated. I felt personally attacked as if I wasn't a good enough employee; even though the reduced hours were for everybody. 2 people were even made redundant. I remember coming home and crying so much.

After a few days I gathered myself together and started applying to jobs in Psychology as I didn't want to return to the previous field. Since I'm still a student, there weren't many vacancies but I was still hopeful. One by one I got rejection letters and every time my heart broke a little.

Frustrated and financially driven, I thought I have to keep applying in my current field as well because my company might be bankrupt any day. I applied for a junior position because that was the only vacancy at the time and within 2 hours I got a call and they wanted me to come for an interview. And just like that, within a week I had signed the contract even though it was less pay.

Another company (where my best friend works) started calling me about a position that had become available and wanted me to join. I declined twice since I had already signed the contract for the junior position but when they called me the 3rd time, I decided to go for a chat.

One of the questions they asked out of curiosity was "why Psychology? what drove you towards studying it?" and without even thinking I answered, "Well I was a CSA victim in my home country and after coming here and finding help and meeting so many psychologists and professionals, I started feeling like this is what I want to do in future and will be my way to give back."
All three ladies in the room were staring at me and then one of them said "It's so brave of you to talk about this so openly."

Only then it had occurred to me that OMG  I just told my backstory at an interview without even feeling anything. It just came so naturally and there was no shame or guilt or tears. And my T told me that this is a huge step in my healing journey  Anyway, I got offered much better position, more salary and the office and amenities are much better too.

The work will be significantly more stressful as this place is more commercial and churns much more work, but I guess I'd rather do something I don't like for more money until I find a job I like that might pay me less.