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Thank you, Dolly, your response is helpful and encouraging.

Thank you, everyone. (I just saw everyone's responses this morning when I noticed the bell icon on the top of my screen.) Your responses are helpful. Interestingly, I just posted something along these same lines. I'd forgotten I posted this post. Seems I'm still struggling with what I was back in February of 2024! Aaarrgh.

Hi, all,
I've been seeing my therapist for over three years now. She's a very good therapist. I'm struggling to open up (although, admittedly, re some of the things I likely need to talk about--I have not been able to "verbalize" to myself, either), with fear of becoming "undone" and her witnessing me in that state. I'm also greatly nervous/anxious/worried about frustrating her and her deciding to be "done" with me (giving up on me for my "stuckness").

I realized something last night. I seem to have fallen into a pattern where I go to therapy, and I walk into the room convinced I'll be able to have a meaningful discussion. While there, my managers step up strongly, and the result probably seems like I'm stone-walling. Then I leave feeling like I've failed at therapy and frustrated her. Am in an activated state all night. Calm myself down by one of two thoughts/decisions: I tell myself I'm done with therapy and am just going to move on with my life and suppress my triggers and whatever, OR, I tell myself, come next session, I'm going to do better, and develop a plan to do so. Which, of course, always falls apart the next session when I'm unable (or unwilling? I don't know) to live out my plan.

I would love to hear from those of you who took years to share more vulnerably in therapy.

Interestingly, as I was processing this new self-understanding (this pattern), I realized I do this in my relationships. I will meet with someone, feel like I messed up in some way (talked too much, not enough, acted snarky, acted overly passive, etc.) and want to somehow fix it. In most cases, I simply withdraw. With my therapist, while I might withdraw between sessions, or emotionally in session, I keep showing up. So that's a bit different. Maybe progress?

I also have a strong need to prove myself normal.

As an fyi, we are doing parts work.

Kizzie and NarcKiddo,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and wisdom. That makes sense. NarcKiddo, I like your idea about prioritizing. I'm grateful I have a very supportive husband who gives me a lot of slack.

I hadn't thought about the energy expelled "rewiring" our brains. That makes a lot of sense, also.

Hey, all,
I'd love to read your experiences. Prior to starting my healing journey, I was super, super productive. (Maybe overly so.) I now find I have days where I just sort of ... exist. I don't do much of anything, nor do I feel driven to do so. I feel like I want to spend the day watching Instagram reels, or YouTube clips, or taking my dog for a walk, or simply sitting outside in the sun. Is this normal, or am I becoming irresponsibly lazy?

Hi, Saluki,
I don't have solutions for those that hit during the day, other than to share that I try to redirect my brain by counting, noticing colors I see, etc. But I can share what I've found helpful for bedtime. I use a library app to listen to audio books, and I'm very selective to choose those that are light fiction or something uplifting. Admittedly, sometimes something in the audio book triggers something unexpectedly, but when I find a book that doesn't trigger me, I tend to listen to it over and over. This helps occupy my mind as my brain tends to veer toward disturbing stuff when unoccupied.

Thank you! I was actually proud of myself for initiating the conversation as in the past I would've simply withdrawn and likely ended therapy.

Armee, thank you. That makes sense. I had a therapy session today and was able to talk through some things (my fears related to the therapy relationship), and feel better. She is an excellent therapist, and I know this. And, apparently, she can deal with me without getting overwhelmed, stressed, or frustrated. (I know because I asked. haha! And I believe she was truthful in her responses.)

First, I want to say I'm sorry for your pain. I can relate to much of what you typed and have been on my own journey of unlearning who I thought (subconsciously, my conscious mind could give all the "right" answers) God was, and getting to know who He really is. I am discovering He is tender and merciful, patient, kind, understands our intense emotions and pain, and walks beside us in it. I've discovered that the disconnect I feel (when I feel that) stems from past trauma and protecting myself from God. But I've also discovered that this doesn't upset Him. Instead, He moves toward me in compassion. One thing I want to do more is pray the apostle's Paul's prayer in Ephesians 3 where he prayed that the Ephesians would grasp God's love, although it is beyond comprehension.

I also echo Blueberry's comment that God can handle your anger. You are not evil, nor does He see you as evil. He sees you as hurting. And you have valid reasons for your hurt.

If this was not helpful, let me know so I can delete it. (And to anyone on the forum, please let me know if my comment here felt triggering so I can remove it. I know religion can be a painful topic for many, especially those who suffered religious abuse.

And again, I'm sorry for your pain.

Thank you, NarcKiddo and Dolly for your encouragement and sharing thoughts/insights. I'm feeling really broken, discouraged, and ... wanting to withdraw from all relationships or potential relationships (except from my husband, who is my rock and safe person). I feel so defective.

Hey, all,
It's been a looooong time since I've posted anything. According to my therapist, I have disorganized attachment. I recognize this may be causing or exacerbating this, but I am feeling upset at my therapist for no reason, just a general feeling of ... wanting to pull away, and wanting to end therapy. In our last session, I disclosed some things that ... shook me. Things I don't think I want to talk about, but there's also a part of me that thinks I need to. There's another part of me that says what the ---- I just need to get on with my life and forget this whole therapy stuff. And I'm feeling a strong pull to terminate. BUT, I also know, if I terminate, I'll lose my spot so don't want to act more rashly than I feel at the moment.

Thanks, Papa Coco. I've only recently been using that type of therapy (well, and only, relatively recently, started doing any type of therapy!).

Papa coco, what is the name of you book you've been reading?

Thanks, Bermuda. I'm glad you were able to "find" a safe place to hide when life felt really hard.

Thanks, Papa Coco. That makes sense. Actually, my therapist does lead me through "parts work" and I have found it helpful. I'm just learning, and  I find I get overwhelmed when we connect with emotional parts. Perhaps with time, I'll be able to both explore what they feel and need without springing outside my window of tolerance. We're trying! I do find your experience and reply encouraging.

I've had some flashbacks that cause me to physically react as if the incidents are occurring to me, but in the image, I see my sister. And I just realized it's my sister I've been seeing, and that I saw myself as my sister, if that makes sense. And now I'm trying to make sense of this and would love to hear if anyone has had similar experiences.