Messages

I hope you are okay.  I understand you feel hopeless right now, but there is always a grain of light.  I feel for you. 

You are very brave and strong.  I sent you a message as I had seen some posts from you that sounded difficult times.  Sorry, it might have been from a different time.  Well done for your brave journey so far!

oh goodness, so painful and stressful sounding.  Is it possible for you to ask your H clearly for something specific?  Can you tell him what you would like to happen/need to happen?  It sounds so confusing and rollercoaster !  Is it decided that you are definitely parting for you?  Sorry, I hope I'm not asking too many questions and being personal ?  You don't need to answer, I think what I'd like to say is that for cptsd, confusion and circular stuff is so difficult.  Take personal advantage of the mediator and see them alone if you can.  I hope you soon find a happy home where you can feel more stable.

I'm sorry to read about your struggles and that things are difficult, Kizzie.  I so appreciate this forum, so thank you.  My M has been dead 5 years now, and I am only just recently starting to have a better relationship with her.  Remembering things I admired about her as a woman, and some positive things she did as a mother, because there were some.  Even though people are no longer present, they remain with us and I still have the same old battles going on in my head about the if onlys, the whys, the what the Fs! It is in some way a relief not to have the difficult F2F stuff, but at the same time there's no longer any chance for redemption which is a source of deep sadness.  As if there ever was.  Now, we need to put ourselves first, every time, whatever the situation.   I'm sure you will find the way to do what is right for you.  Wishing you courage at this difficult time.

Thanks, Compassion, (hope its okay to shorten your name to that)  Your post is really refreshing !  The more our hearts open from our symptoms, the more healing we can let it.  Letting go is hard isn't it, because our survival tactics are enmeshed.  It's hard to imagine who we will be without them.   One thing I know for sure, dropping some old ways of being can only be good for me. 

Thank you ! I wasn't able to open the link, just to let you know in case of a problem.   

My name is a nickname from my Dad.  I wanted to try and save him from himself, but of course I could never succeed in that.  I hope I can save myself !

I also have ear-ringing and constant sort of sinus, eye area buzzing.  I put it down to an over active amygdala and struggling frontal lobe brain  over thinking, hyper-vigilance et al !!  probably why meditation helps.  I try to go into to it with my mind and it kinda helps.  Otherwise low frequency noise on the headphones.  It doesn't help with everything else going on in out heads !

Not Alone, thank you for welcoming me to oots, and for your advice.  It seems you are going through some big upheavals and difficult times.  I can feel the pulls between needing to be strong and responsible while feeling so weak and frightened.  I'm sure you are being very brave and doing your absolute best to go forward and get through these challenges.  Your instincts are in the end a good indicator of what you may need, so have faith in them.  Sending you thoughts of courage during your journey.

Thank you for bringing up this subject.  I also confused sex with love.  Sexuality was one of the few powers I felt I had and so I pretty much slept with anyone I could, looking for someone to save me, validate me and take care of me.  Now I realise being an intelligent female who respects herself and believes in herself, for who she is inside and her talents and dreams is what makes a strong women.  I'm really hoping to still get there one day, throwing off the mud that enabled me to know that.  Growing up in the 70-80-90's, there weren't many role models were there ?  I hope you find your way back to writing.

Hello Eerie,

I'm new on this site.  I hope you're okay with me posting.  I've been reading some of your posts, and I'm not expecting you to respond to me, which is fine of course and I'm sorry if I'm way out of date.  I just wanted to share that also I suffer also from thoughts slipping away from me.  Even writing this, I am having to keep thinking back to what I wanted to say.  I have a theory about my brain being stuck in amygdala highjack most of the time, or for so much of the time that basic cognitive pathways of logical thinking are messed up, get blocked and don't function well.  Sometimes through stress, part of the brain just shuts down. I thought I might have ADHD or something (I don't rule this out) but think it's more likely the former.  I hope you find more peace and calmness soon.  I'm sure it will come.  Don't be too hard on yourself.

Hello,
Well done for your journal.  Just wanted to say, I don't think any of us should be apologising for ourselves, for being ourselves, for writing long posts (although, maybe it's helpful for us to try to boil things down to the essentials ?) Unless we have set out to deliberately hurt someone, there's really very little need.  I like to think of our emotions as like the weather.  That's to say, the weather can be many things at any time, is not always predictable and we are not always wearing the right clothes.  If we can just accept ourselves, our moods, our feelings as we do the weather and just let the clouds drift by till the sun comes around again as it surely will, sometimes the day can be a little easier.  I think people are many things, not just a person with one dimension, but with many.  You are not your feelings or emotions.  When we feel ill, we should not think that we are the illness.  It is not who we are.  We feel bad, but we are not.  Oh, that's pretty brave doing stand-up.  I've done some acting and am singing - I get totally * scared every time and think it's my risk-taker that makes me do it, setting my self up for failure and being rubbish......  but it's also a good way to lose ya self, ha ? 

Thank you for this information and the links.  A huge congratulations to those who have decided to give up alcohol or drugs and have achieved their goals.  I'm also an ACOAs and struggling with my own inherited and developed behaviours around alcohol, luckily not in a drug environment anymore, so have stopped that more easily, although I have wracked up a good few years of drug abuse.  The COAL approach is a really helpful way of looking at things.  I've recently had a crisis FB situation and am in the fallout from an anger episode.  I am feeling the need for numbing.  It's a tricky one with the guilt, when you feel like a drink will ease some pain, but somewhere you know it's probably not helping.  I find it really difficult identify when FBs are happening if I've had a drink.  As I come from an alcoholic family, it is of course also a trigger.  I no it's a no no, but feel like I need it at the moment.  But, then I feel like I'm just saying that because I don't want to give up my addiction, it's too hard.

Thank you for this positive post.  It's good to hear a reminder that this full time job of trying to care for ourselves, which can be utterly exhausting if it's only about managing fear all the time and the tug of war with inner/o. critic, can also be rewarding if done with loving kindness, understanding and compassion.  I suppose it's a bit like being an actual parent, which I am not, but they are the words I wish I could have applied to my biological ones .  Very good luck with your move and transition both geographical and in your onward journey of recovery. 

Thank you, Papa Coco.  Helpful and encouraging, thanks for taking the time!