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Thank you, San and Blueberry.

For sure there are trust issues, there, San. As I explained to my T, I have absolutely NO role models of how a mother might deal compassionately with a teenager. I have for little NK because my grandmother was kind and caring to me at that age and I spent decent amounts of time in her company. It sounds rather lame to say I literally don't know what to do with teenage NK, but the fact remains I don't so I have to feel my way here. My initial idea on how to lighten the load of teenage NK was to ask her to step back and let me prove myself capable. T pointed out that was just pushing her out of the way.

Probably you know that all already, NK. 

As the above illustrates, I think, I actually don't know all that already. Or even any of it. Some of it I know intellectually, but certainly not emotionally, so what you posted is really helpful. Thank you, Blueberry.

 

I'm glad you got your allotment and super happy to read that you have been able to get done what you needed to. Of course it would have been lovely if all the stars had aligned and you had found yourself really feeling the therapeutic value of what you have done while you were doing it. It's good that you are journaling how you feel about it and seeing all the good and the progress you have made. I really dislike doing anything related to gardening, personally, but I find slow, repetitive movements very therapeutic so I can see how your allotment could be really grounding (if you will please pardon the pun, which was not intentional!).

I also think that if one must have a CPTSD reaction, in this particular circumstance fawning is probably the best one to have. Since a big part of the allotment project is for the social aspect, CPTSD reactions such as fight or flight would be a lot less helpful to that goal.

This really does look like a win. 

Well done for getting to and through the examination. I'm glad the result was good. And well done for taking the day off work you so clearly needed.

I've been struggling a bit lately. My T's suggestion we cut frequency of therapy may have been a very canny move on her part because it has jolted me into going quite a bit deeper in our sessions. That's been hard, but beneficial, and resulted in my making a big breakthrough in actually telling my husband a bit about my dissociation, which happens all over the place but particularly in the car. I wrote about it in the private journal section.

However, it just keeps being hard and throwing up more to deal with.

When I was reporting the breakthrough to T after a bit of a break due to holiday I was feeling a bit anti-climactic. Like I'd done this REALLY big thing and it should have magically solved all my problems (hello, inner children!) but it hadn't. And then I actually dissociated in the session, which I've written about in the avoidance section of the forum. I'm sure I've done that before, too, but on this occasion I could see it happening and told my T but teenage NK (for I am now pretty sure she is responsible for my dissociation) finished the job and I found I could not remember quite a chunk of the session despite journaling it immediately after finishing it.

Then there has been another slight therapy gap due to holiday and I had another session yesterday. In the meantime I have decided to find out more about dissociation and bought a book called The Haunted Self. It is an academic book aimed at therapists and not an easy read because it is so full of citations that it can be hard to follow the train of the text. However it is a sound, and very interesting book. But teenage NK objects to my reading it. Every time I try I find myself feeling really sleepy or I have an urgent need for chocolate. She has tried to engage little NK in the fight against this book, too, but I found that sitting with a cuddly toy while reading it calmed little NK so she is not making waves any more.

I was talking this over with T yesterday. It feels like teenage NK is scared of the book. She thinks I want to stop dissociating (I do!) and she will then lose her power. More than that - I think she fears I am trying to annihilate her. And then who will look after little NK? So T and I have a lot of work to do around teenage NK, it seems. At least we have identified this issue, which is good. But one of teenage NK's feelings is that she was constantly having to keep plates spinning to satisfy FOO, and teachers, and bosses and whoever else. And she still has to keep all these plates spinning. T suggested that we might work on getting her to realise that she does not have to do this any more, and that she can put the plates down. Slowly, of course, one at a time. All these plates are not her responsibility and never should have been. Well, teenage NK did not like that at all. Where will she put the plates? What will happen to the plates? They might break. It became apparent that she does realise she cannot spin every plate in the world, but when she becomes overwhelmed and knows a plate is out of her control she fears the end of the world and we get a freeze response. The idea of simply putting the plates down was totally incomprehensible to her!

And I have no idea what to do with teenage NK. I've already expressed surprise in the past to T when teenage NK showed up. I'd only just got to grips with having a "nice" little NK to take into account and then this "bolshy" teen NK appeared. Yes, I used those terms out loud to my T. Yes it was mean. There is no reason for teenage NK to like me right now. She doesn't trust me and right now I have no idea how to go about rectifying that.

My T is very hands off in terms of telling me what to do. I know that is the right approach, especially since I have spent my whole life allowing myself to be told what to do/feel etc. But all I (or at least the inner children) want T to do is tell us what to do and then pat us on the head and give us a gold star for doing it so well. But she loves hearing me and then saying "what might be a way of dealing with that?". And then I flail around trying to be a model client and come up with the right answer. Only yesterday I didn't. Teenage NK was very much around, since we were discussing her, and she flat out told T she is angry at being asked to suggest the right answers because that just adds more plates for her to spin. This is no doubt progress in terms of expressing vulnerability, but it felt very uncomfortable. To say the least.

 

Wishing you well in your search for a new T. I hope you find a good one.

 

Welcome, RogerP. I'm glad you found us. Of course it is fine just to read but I'm happy you dropped in to say "hello" all the same. 

Hello Yael. It's good to see you back. I'm glad you are proud of what your therapist said - you should be. It is a really hard thing to take difficult feedback on board without getting defensive.

I'm really happy you got access to medicaid and paid prescriptions. 

I hope the move went well and you are settling in comfortably. Best of luck with the new therapy provider.

I agree with Kizzie that having needs and being needy are not at all the same thing. I am sorry that opening up to the director did not go as well as you would have liked. I can totally understand how plucking up the courage to say anything at all may have been at the limit of what your system could handle and then you found yourself in a situation where child you grabbed the opportunity that adult you might really have wanted to oversee a little more. It happens. It seems to me that what is important now is for adult you to reassure child you that she did nothing wrong. Adult you might have preferred she did not spill in that way, but if you notice yourself beating yourself up then it might be good to make sure child you does not feel caught in the crosshairs.

And you could always consider approaching the director at another time and say something like "I'm sorry if I over-shared at the beach outing. But I just want to make sure that I communicated to you how supportive and helpful all my colleagues are and how much I enjoy working here. It's a really strong team and I love being part of it. I hope you do, too." Or some such. That drives home the positive messages you were conveying. You'd need to make sure little you does not see this as an opportunity for some support - the idea is that adult you is stamping out your fear that he might be thinking you are difficult. But it is possible he might have been caught off guard at the beach and wishes he had been a bit more supportive. In which case he has an opportunity to say so and that is a bonus win for little you. Just a thought.

 

Welcome. I'm glad you have been having success with therapy. Thank you for sharing parts of your journey. It all resonates. I've recently read a Janina Fisher book and it spoke to me very loudly indeed. I was glad because the more structured approach of pure IFS does not seem to gel with me. At least not where I am now.

I see you are located in Belgium - that is a country I am very fond of. In fact at one stage my husband and I were seriously considering retiring there. We are in the UK.

Well done for getting that appointment with the allergist. I understand how scary it can be to address these issues, even when it really needs doing, so it's great that you have been able to get that in the diary. I hope it gives you some actionable answers.

I don't have any particular food allergies or intolerances that I know of (I suspect a few mild ones but none that need totally strict avoidance). I do, however, have bitter experience of how a dysfunctional FOO can weaponise food. It's very unpleasant (to put it mildly) and very hard to navigate even when the FOO no longer has control of our diet. The patterns are set, and the triggers installed. With something that has to be navigated several times every single day, it is tough.

I hope the weekend was pleasant. And now it is Monday.  I don't know why, but it always makes me smile when I come across someone who says something very different to most. As in, you like weekdays whereas most people moan like anything about Monday coming around. And the Turks who run a local restaurant don't like hot weather and moved to England for the climate. They say this in particular when it is pouring with rain outside and everyone else is complaining.

Welcome. I'm glad you found us and look forward to getting to know you.

It was great to read about how you managed the fear you felt. That sounds perfect and I am very happy that your sense of self was engaged and online so you were able to do this so well. Good for you.