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I had a hard time with it too and resisted. It sets better with me than other forms of imagining or "rescripting" because it doesn't paper over the past or try to imagine it not existing, it just helps update the brain circuits to the present. Like the parts that are stuck in the past not just the intellectual knowledge that things are better now. I think it helps rewire things over time. 

 

I think your title says it all. And that all sounds really bad and I am so sorry you went through and are going thru all that.

Yes retraumatisation of the type you experienced in this relationship causes major PTSD flare ups. Its pretty much the definition of retraumatization...something that reactivates past trauma and PTSD.

For the next time you have to interact something that has helped me when encountering things I know will be triggering is to remind myself that is will be triggering and to identify as many points of potential triggers as I can. And then afterwards to name my reactions as the result of triggering. It helps me stay slightly more in the present. Not completely but it does help more than not doing that. For me at least.

Wishing you safety and eventual peace.

 

 

One thing my therapist works with me on...it isn't a quick or total fix...but sometimes it helps a little...is because same as you i now have a safe love filled life but the past still lives on in the present too. But he has me imagine rescuing those kids from what was happening whatever they are stuck in and then bringing them home to my current safe loving home and letting them live there. Some only want to live in the closet in an empty room for now and he'll ask me to literally go sit in the closet with them. Maybe for you and me imagining those harmed kids joining safely in with your present life over the holidays will help a tiny bit. Nothing truly cures the whole hurt, but a bunch of different approaches seem to help take the edge off for me. Maybe you too. 

I hope that isn't too advice-y. I'm sorry you are hurting. I know nothing really cures those deep wounds and the holidays can be so hard and triggering.

 

It gets better with acceptance and accomodation for where you currently are at. It's a starting point not an ending point and it is trauma, not mental illness. From everything I have heard it is very common to start reliving the trauma when your child becomes the same age you were when it happened. It'll get better and I am so glad you have 2x per week support.

An old friend is coming to sit quietly on the porch steps to catch up in comfortable silence. 

I relate to all this too well. Im so proud of you for going to your GP and getting help. 

Something that has really stood out to me as important is how willing he is to listen and learn and adapt approaches. Like NK, I really lucked out with my first and only T. When i started with him he was CBT-based and into quick results. CBT is NOT a good fit for complex trauma. What allowed this therapeutic partnership to really work was that he listened and adapted when things weren't working and was willing to learn new approaches and to adapt them based on what worked and didn't work for me. 

I'd ask something like: if a particular method isn't working for a client, how do you proceed? If you found your client needed a different approach would you refer out or try to learn new methods? How do you think about therapeutic resistance? (Some old school therapists think if something isnt working it is because a client is "resistant" and doesn't want to get better). I'd also ask what treatment time frame they think is needed for someone with complex trauma and if there is a certain amount of time they would give someone before referring them out.

Ideally I'd look for someone who can do EMDR themselves (i find it helpful to do emdr with someone else who really understands my issues rather than going to someone different), who is experienced with COMPLEX trauma, and who is comfortable working  with parts...IFS or otherwise. Mindfulness is also helpful as noticing what is going on inside is critical to the  healing process. 

Hope that is somewhat helpful. I've been in therapy for almost 8 years with the same therapist with fantastic progress even if it is slower than he has ever had to deal with. 😬

I'm sorry you've experienced this with both parents. Maybe the tickling as a stand alone issue would sound "dramatic" to someone who doesn't know the full story or understand abuse and control but rest assured I agree that the "tickling" was an excuse to continue assaulting you under the cover of being "playful." Im sorry that you experienced it all..being called untrue and degrading names, being subjected to middle of the night sexual abuse by a parent, for the continued touching and control thru tickling, and that your mom did not come to your rescue as she should have. You have a right to feel hurt and angry about all of it.

Dunno if this is helpful Blueberry but I've often felt the same as you about the IFS categories. I think maybe partially at least because well for me it seems that each "part" also has its own parts. So it makes no sense to label say my 6 year old part who denies everything as a protector because that part also has other "IFS" type parts....exile, protector, firefighter etc. I use IFS with my therapist but don't really use that type of conceptualization. It's just more about getting parts to share with me and for me to form connections with trauma parts. Of which, there are many..

I think it's ok to not watch it.

Hi em87,

I'm sorry to hear your struggles. You aren't alone in these feelings and reactions. Im glad to see that you reached out for help when you were feeling the tug of ideation. 

Those times when reenactments come up are really intense. If you think about it, reenactments are like you are actively reliving the trauma in the present in the most literal way. So I've found I need to treat myself as though I currently am going or have just gone through the trauma that is being reenacted. What would I need right after X trauma? What would you need right after X trauma? What would a child need right after X trauma? To me it makes absolute sense that ideation is coming up if you are reenacting a past trauma. Maybe it means that what you went through felt so bad that dying would have been preferable. But then there are 2 parts to this - treat yourself how you would need to be treated in the immediate aftermath of the trauma but ALSO remind yourself in as many ways as you can that the trauma was in the past and is not happening now. Give yourself proof in as many ways as possible. None of this is 100% effective immediately but over time things start to soften. Keep going, have faith there will be better times and these horrible symptoms will get a bit better over time even if they don't go away completely.

Regarding PMS/PMDD my personal sense is they amplify symptoms, removing a buffer between you and the symptoms. If you are frustrated normally then add PMDD you become raging angry. If you feel a little ashamed you become paralyzed with shame etc.

The symptoms are real but they get multiplied in intensity.

Hi i just want to let you know you aren't alone and I'm sorry for what you are going through.

I flop between two polarized parts anytime trauma memories start to become accessible. There are more parts too, but it becomes very difficult to manage when one part that holds the trauma begins to make it known, and other parts do what they do to manage that knowledge and to deny that knowledge.

Its a weird thing that might only work for me, but one thing that helped me during a really intense period of inner conflict was to have a running probability in my head. It was like being a neutral mediator. I'd have memories or flashbacks and freak out that oh my god these things really happened, then another part would tell me I was stupid and crazy and making things up etc and then that would trigger the other part to offer more memories and flashbacks to counter that doubt/denial part and it would just spiral. I dont know if this is analogous to what is happening in your system right now.

But I started saying "ok here's the facts." "With these facts let's say there is a 50/50 chance this thing happened." Then one part would flood me with memories and flashbacks so I'd say "ok, so maybe it is a 70/30 chance something happened." Then denial would tell me all sorts of horrible things about myself or another part would offer "proof" nothing happened so I'd revise the probability to 60/40 and on and on. It wasn't the best coping mechanism but it helped each side feel heard and validated because I was incorporating that input. Eventually I got to 99% chance to 1%. But so slowly that my system had a chance to speak and be heard and absorb the truth.

Now I'm going through the same with other traumas but haven't needed to use the probability method to deal as the intensity of that conflict is more mild.

Good luck to you and yours in finding something that works.   

Also, since you mentioned hallucinations...I had what I was calling hallucinations when I was still in denial. They were really flashbacks. I don't know if that is true for what you are experiencing but wanted to mention it in case it is helpful for y'all.

 

There's a book that might help:

Living with PTSD on the Autism Spectrum by Lisa Morgan, Mary Donahue: New Paperback (2020) | Rarewaves.com UK https://share.google/0zPbSit9tSAOVkPSq

When we've had symptoms of cptsd our whole lives and exposure to brain-altering trauma from a very young age, I don't know how you tease apart what is cpstd and what is autism and what is both.

There's an online psych testing platform for therapists you can sign up for an account and test yourself as a "dummy client." Novopsych.

There are at least 2 autism scale assessments. AQ and Ritvo. I score quite high on those for autism. I haven't been professionally assessed and won't be because i do not want a medical record of some of the other assessments i would score high on. I could be autistic but the things that drive my score high really are functions of trauma and cptsd. I'd suggest perhaps if you take the assessments, look at the questions that drove your scores high and think about if your answer is driven by something that is likely a trauma response or something more intrinsic. 

I think one thing that is helpful from the autism side of things is self-acceptance. Understanding that your difficulties are a form of neurodiversity and that you are OK just the way you are. We can apply that understanding to our experiences of cptsd symptoms too.

Sending you lots of support in figuring out what you would like to understand about yourself.