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Dunno if this is helpful Blueberry but I've often felt the same as you about the IFS categories. I think maybe partially at least because well for me it seems that each "part" also has its own parts. So it makes no sense to label say my 6 year old part who denies everything as a protector because that part also has other "IFS" type parts....exile, protector, firefighter etc. I use IFS with my therapist but don't really use that type of conceptualization. It's just more about getting parts to share with me and for me to form connections with trauma parts. Of which, there are many..

I think it's ok to not watch it.

Hi em87,

I'm sorry to hear your struggles. You aren't alone in these feelings and reactions. Im glad to see that you reached out for help when you were feeling the tug of ideation. 

Those times when reenactments come up are really intense. If you think about it, reenactments are like you are actively reliving the trauma in the present in the most literal way. So I've found I need to treat myself as though I currently am going or have just gone through the trauma that is being reenacted. What would I need right after X trauma? What would you need right after X trauma? What would a child need right after X trauma? To me it makes absolute sense that ideation is coming up if you are reenacting a past trauma. Maybe it means that what you went through felt so bad that dying would have been preferable. But then there are 2 parts to this - treat yourself how you would need to be treated in the immediate aftermath of the trauma but ALSO remind yourself in as many ways as you can that the trauma was in the past and is not happening now. Give yourself proof in as many ways as possible. None of this is 100% effective immediately but over time things start to soften. Keep going, have faith there will be better times and these horrible symptoms will get a bit better over time even if they don't go away completely.

Regarding PMS/PMDD my personal sense is they amplify symptoms, removing a buffer between you and the symptoms. If you are frustrated normally then add PMDD you become raging angry. If you feel a little ashamed you become paralyzed with shame etc.

The symptoms are real but they get multiplied in intensity.

Hi i just want to let you know you aren't alone and I'm sorry for what you are going through.

I flop between two polarized parts anytime trauma memories start to become accessible. There are more parts too, but it becomes very difficult to manage when one part that holds the trauma begins to make it known, and other parts do what they do to manage that knowledge and to deny that knowledge.

Its a weird thing that might only work for me, but one thing that helped me during a really intense period of inner conflict was to have a running probability in my head. It was like being a neutral mediator. I'd have memories or flashbacks and freak out that oh my god these things really happened, then another part would tell me I was stupid and crazy and making things up etc and then that would trigger the other part to offer more memories and flashbacks to counter that doubt/denial part and it would just spiral. I dont know if this is analogous to what is happening in your system right now.

But I started saying "ok here's the facts." "With these facts let's say there is a 50/50 chance this thing happened." Then one part would flood me with memories and flashbacks so I'd say "ok, so maybe it is a 70/30 chance something happened." Then denial would tell me all sorts of horrible things about myself or another part would offer "proof" nothing happened so I'd revise the probability to 60/40 and on and on. It wasn't the best coping mechanism but it helped each side feel heard and validated because I was incorporating that input. Eventually I got to 99% chance to 1%. But so slowly that my system had a chance to speak and be heard and absorb the truth.

Now I'm going through the same with other traumas but haven't needed to use the probability method to deal as the intensity of that conflict is more mild.

Good luck to you and yours in finding something that works.   

Also, since you mentioned hallucinations...I had what I was calling hallucinations when I was still in denial. They were really flashbacks. I don't know if that is true for what you are experiencing but wanted to mention it in case it is helpful for y'all.

 

There's a book that might help:

Living with PTSD on the Autism Spectrum by Lisa Morgan, Mary Donahue: New Paperback (2020) | Rarewaves.com UK https://share.google/0zPbSit9tSAOVkPSq

When we've had symptoms of cptsd our whole lives and exposure to brain-altering trauma from a very young age, I don't know how you tease apart what is cpstd and what is autism and what is both.

There's an online psych testing platform for therapists you can sign up for an account and test yourself as a "dummy client." Novopsych.

There are at least 2 autism scale assessments. AQ and Ritvo. I score quite high on those for autism. I haven't been professionally assessed and won't be because i do not want a medical record of some of the other assessments i would score high on. I could be autistic but the things that drive my score high really are functions of trauma and cptsd. I'd suggest perhaps if you take the assessments, look at the questions that drove your scores high and think about if your answer is driven by something that is likely a trauma response or something more intrinsic. 

I think one thing that is helpful from the autism side of things is self-acceptance. Understanding that your difficulties are a form of neurodiversity and that you are OK just the way you are. We can apply that understanding to our experiences of cptsd symptoms too.

Sending you lots of support in figuring out what you would like to understand about yourself. 

I wonder about this too Blue Moon. Sometimes my nightmares have recurring  themes that are clearly related to trying to work through some specific traumas. But every once in awhile I have one that seems as though it is an exact memory coming to me in my sleep. But it's hard to have faith in knowing what is real and true memory and what is not. I suppose that is true for memory in general too.

I guess one thing that helps though is knowing our minds are trying to work through things that need to be worked through. Even if we can't remember the dream or the memory enough. 

I had a hard time with aspects. Not the exact as yours with not feeling strong enough but that makes complete sense to me, why in cases of trauma that could be a very difficult and triggering thing. 

For me, it was more being reminded I had a body that was visible to other people, my therapist asking me to "go into your body" or "notice your body" and also feel and being convinced i was physically disgusting and had to keep my distance from people. So different but still similar. Im sorry you are suffering with this but am proud of you that you recognized going into detail would be triggering and not worth it. Good self awareness! 

About your current feelings, I can't say it any better than Blueberry so won't try. Other than to say "let it go" isn't really very easy to do in fact what I think "let it go" means in practice might be more akin to "process it" cause then and only then can something be let go of. Otherwise it stays right where it currently lives in our brains to popoff and haunt us at any moment. But "processing" things can be difficult, long, unclear, and you might be missing pieces you need right now that need to be processed first before whatever this one is can be processed and let go. Like doing a complicated puzzle in the dark and not knowing if you are even missing key pieces. So UGH to the mess cptsd causes in our minds. But please don't feel bad that you can't let it go.

I also wanted to say as I am just now catching up here...I'm sorry for what is happening with your mom and brother. My mom did the same toward the end. It wasn't dementia it was a worsening of her personality disorder coupled with I guess a more immature ability to hide her lies? They just became almost comically but heartbreakingly and maddeningly clear what she was doing. Like a 3 yr old lying about eating chocolate while hands are covered in chocolate.

When my mom was nearing that stage she really turned on me and any kind thing I tried to do she dragged me through the mud over. What really helped me while going through that was having my sister and aunts witness it and let me know they see it. Because even if we know they are crazy we can start to doubt ourselves under that onslaught. So just be there and be a truth teller for your brother. It doesn't have to be directed to your mom, just let him know you see and it's crazy and you are sorry. One day it will be over. Sometimes one day can't hardly come soon enough. 

Sounds like an EF to me and I can't let those go either, not at the drop of a hat. I find they suddenly go on their own. You are not your mother or like her. Sending care and compassion, Bach

 

Requesting access, feeling very paranoid lately. Is that ok to say? Idk, perfectionism. Thanks in advance : )

Extreme paranoia on my part is what started that section. 

Oh man isnt that all the truth! Not having any access or knowledge of the feelings till some present moment thing triggers the past and bam! I've found that what they call "corrective experiences" when these triggers set off really help resolve the feelings as your T was saying. I understand we are supposed to be able to create these corrective feelings ourselves by having our adult take care of our littles. I'm not sure I've ever had luck with that approach fully yet, but when they have been intuitively offered by others in the present it has been extremely effective, and if that trigger is met with the same reaction as the past it really digs in as an EF for months. Just rambling. Sorry about that.

Please do not feel "bad" about needing to stay in therapy longer. CPTSD takes a long time. We could mostly manage as we did before on our own and appear fine but it's not really fine and this processing is something that is challenging to impossible to do alone if you are at the level of injury common with CPTSD. I've been 7.5 yrs straight no less than 1.5 hrs per week often with additional time or sessions or adjunct therapies. We could ignore the symptoms and let them rule us but you are choosing to dig in and attempt to change or feel better. That's really cool.

Art...I dont blame you for not wanting to return after your teacher flaked/ghosted on you. At the same time if it really was something you loved doing and there isn't a satisfying alternate and you dont mind going back it would be reasonable to try again and see how you feel being there.

But I wonder if there are other local artists you can gather with and trade techniques too. Either way you DO have a gift and I hope you keep posting your pieces here as I love seeing them.

 

Just catching back up.

 

Many mental health professionals have not healed their stuff. I wonder if you could begin that journey and obtain therapy as you go? Significant healing for betrayals like you experienced take so long, but there's no need to put everything off till you meet that finish line. Maybe even the school you go to will have free therapy?

Hi welcome, She.

Understanding what you are dealing with is a very helpful starting point, and recognizing it's been a long time - likely your whole life - is very powerful. There are a lot of ups and downs on this path. You'll find a lot of wisdom on this site and support as you navigate healing. It's not a quick fix but you can feel so much better. It takes a lot of time though. For me, I started therapy at 40. It's been 7 years. I still have a lot of symptoms but 98% of the time I feel really really good and stable and at peace. Before I started therapy and healing it was maybe 0.5% of the time. Before though I didn't recognize how bad I felt, because like you and many others here, it had been my whole life like this so it felt like normal. Once you start to experience feeling different...really really pay attention to what that feels like. At first maybe it's literally only two minutes a day that you have that feeling, but that is going to grow over time.

And then there's the roller coaster. At some point you'll feel ecstatic and like you've figured this CPTSD thing out and are good to go. And then comes another trigger out of the blue and you feel worse than ever. You slide way back. This is normal. But you'll work through that set back and take another leap forward and you will be a little bit further ahead of when you slid backward. That is going to be a pattern. It'll sometimes feel like no progress is being made, but it is happening. Most of us find healing isn't 100% complete. We might always have symptoms of CPTSD but that doesn't mean we can't feel better most of the time. For whatever brought you here. I am sorry for what you've been through, but I'm glad you and all the other new members are here and have found a source of support and information.