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Hey 

I just wanna say I relate to feeling ashamed about sharing things, even online, but also that I don't think you, or I, have any rational reason to feel this way. You are reaching out and working on recovery, working on understanding yourself better in the hope you can heal. That is brave and very healthy.
It's sad to hear of your story and symptoms But I commend you for sharing them. I wish you all the best in recovering. <3
It can get better, and learning about yourself and any illness' you are experiencing is a pretty good first step. Sending love and hope 

Thanks DutchUncle <3 you were right and I appreicate the kindness

I haven't wrote here in a while, wowza. Lots to update.

I've moved out! My flat is really big and nice thanks to having 2 flat mates. Unfortunately they're a couple and they argue sometimes, with the guy being an * to the girl. Controlling and nasty, basically. That triggered me a lot the other day, because she reached out to me and it was so similar to my past relationship. I began thinking about how on earth I have managed to live with a nasty, controlling type of man in all three of my living arrangements throughout my life. But whatever, I'm just going to try and distance myself from it all. They're my housemates, not my responsibility. A bunch of people have told her to leave him, ultimately it's her life. I can't get invested in their problems, they are in control of themselves, not me.
And if things keep happening to trigger me, I'll make arrangements to get out of this living situation or tell them straight up to stop (hopefully). Yay for assertiveness.
Other than that my flat is pretty good. I just don't have many friends in the area, but maybe as time goes on I will make more. Who knows? We'll see.
I am doing a lot better. I never realised just how better until reading my past entires here and reflecting. Like wow.
I am doing quite well at work now, dare I say it. Well, for me. I'm learning things, I complete tasks, I can go and ask people for help and guidance when needed (even if I put it off and struggle with this sometimes!). I get the job done, mostly. I am improving, quite a lot, I guess.
I still have social anxiety, obviously, but I'm recovering.
I have been doing the Social Anxiety Institute course online and it's really working for me! It's only 20 pounds per month. It really helps. I am noticing a lot of differences cognitively. I am getting a lot better at countering automatic negative thoughts, feeling hope over despair and just being sociable in general.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty damn quiet, where I'm not comfortable. But I don't pure hate myself for this anymore. I have more understanding and I know that beating myself up isn't healthy, worthwhile or productive.
I'm starting to realise that people most often don't give a damn about me to be judging me and these negative thoughts that jump into my mind all the time are liars (at least virtually all of the time).
I'm climbing out of my depression. It doesn't affect me too often anymore. I have hope that I won't have social anxiety forever. This course I'm doing talks of it as curable. And I think as I deconstruct my terribly negative thoughts it will be, and if not I'll at least be a thousand times better than I was before.
Life doesn't feel so doomed.
I can still suffer flashbacks but they are way less frequent. I used to get one every day in work, before morning was over. Now it's a much rarer thing, I am not triggered so easily. And I can get out of it quicker too. So that's good. It feels like I have flashbacks at times in my life now, instead of having occasional bursts of life in between one big long flashback.

Trigger Warning: physical abuse and flashbacks

When I get them though my mind has started blurting out and repeating "get off of me!" I don't know where exactly this comes from. Sometimes I get visuals of my childhood room. I think it's just from physical abuse, idk if I actually said or thought that then or if it's a reaction from now. But I hear it and I can twitch, become afraid of others around me and start to cry. Not so fun. I feel like I am screaming "get off of me!" in reference to the past but also to all this social anxiety and illness that is still on me as a result.
I laugh about it often too, in a dark way. You know the lyrics to taylor swifts trouble? That plays in my mind only with "triggered, triggered, triggered".
Humour helps, at least only to acknowledge the situation. Realise what's going on. This is a flashback not reality.
My little brothers still live at home and I am a positive part of their lives when they visit or I visit them or phone. I can only do what I can. I am responsible for me. That's just how it is. Sad, but true, unfortunately. I don't really dwell on it any more.
I will always be there, and offer kindness, love and be a friend to them. What else can I do?
That's it from me, just now. Over and out 

This is so nice to read! 

Really gives me hope. Your journey of healing sounds beautiful. So happy for you. Well done! 

This morning I began descending into the shame of "not being good enough" because of my social anxiety. It has made me iscolate myself, as usual, and I was comparing myself to others. I was thinking "what if I'd just done this?" etc., then I might have more proper friends. Basically, I was indirectly frustrated with myself, and I was getting physical symptoms of anxiety from this too.
Then I turned it around by simply remembering "no, this isn't my fault. I should be angry at the people who done this to me for ruining my ability to make friends, not myself."
It broke the spell, thinking like that.
Now I no longer feel in that timeless place, I can see where I have made some progress.
The anger is where it's supposed to be, and I don't feel ashamed, inadequate and helpless now, I feel motivated, understood and better about myself.

This isn't our fault, these symptoms, and they don't define us, even though it can feel like they do sometimes.
We're all something more and these symptoms are not our fault, they're entirely the fault of cruel people who have done this to us. So I recommend turning that anger around on them, it really helped me. It feels like such a revelation tbh, because
so many of my problems stem from undeserved hate and frustration, turned into myself I think.
I shall try using this technique more often
Thought this might be good to share!

Anyone else get a fear of being too friendly?
It's mental, literally, but like if I get too friendly with someone I will actually cut ties as a purely avoidant behaviour.
It's like it triggers toxic shame in me to be nice to people and act like I like them, as if this is a terrifying prospect because they could reject me and / or secretly hate me and therefore be cringing or laughing at me (ridiculous, I know! It's like a subconscious thing).
And I mean like the simplest of things. Sending a smiley after a message can mess me up, making friendly conversation, saying "thank you" to someone for something. It sends me into terror and shame because omg maybe they think I'm weird omg they could be judging me rn omg they probably don't even like me and will think I'm weird for liking them (or something equally ridiculous). This is over the tiniest of things, the most normal of things (but I'm not used to being normal).
Being nice and bubbly instead of mimimal and dry terrifies me. Which is a shame, because nice and bubbly is the me I feel I am under this socially anxious surface, and nice and bubbly me would probably have plenty of friends if she was allowed to get out more often.
This crap is affecting my life quite a bit. It makes me realise how much people messed me up if I associate being friendly and lively and kind with danger and rejection.
I'm determined to work on it though. These fears can't be 100% realistic (as much as they feel it at times) because then the majority of people would be avoidant like me, but they're not, they're really not.
So I know by that that it is just my past experience shadowing my view. It's still a major pain in the * though.
I want rid of this toxic shame!

I'm progressively getting closer to moving out, I've saved up a good bit of money, so yay.
I'm so triggered living here, I hear my dad being horrible to my mum, I hear them arguing, I see my brothers being neglected and hear my parents treating my youngest brother like an annoying piece of crap.
It's horrible.
At least I'm getting out.
I just feel bad for leaving my brothers, but I'll stay in touch and take them on days out.
Work is hard because my social anxiety is still severe and limits me, and my brain likes to convince me people don't like me anymore.
It keeps getting proven wrong to me though, every now and then, which is bittersweet.
It's a relief but it's sad, cause damn I believed in those warped thoughts. They affected my actions, etc.
I've been crying a lot and feeling my emotions. I understand this is healthy compared to dissociating from them. I honestly do think I'm recovering, even though I haven't had a therapist yet. I'm getting better in some ways, I'm moving out soon!! I have relational healing via one very good friend I have, who is always there to listen to me babble and is just a really nice, caring person to me.
I'm learning a lot about my illness, I'm learning to feel, I'm learning it's okay to cry and be down and suffering is human. Sometimes, rarely, I am happy. But this is probably increasing. Nah, I know it is. And as I allow myself to feel sadness and all the emotions from my trauma, the ability to feel joy and other emotions should increase too. :-)
I left my abusive ex. I am working, even if it's really, really hard.
It's not easy, but I am progressing, I can see that.
I will heal. I am so sorry I can't save my younger brothers right now, I need to save myself first. I will at least be a source of love, when I can be. It's something, right? It's something.
I realize I probably can't go NC with my FOO, as I don't know how that would work, with my younger brothers. Whatever, I can take that sacrifice, I love them.
I'll make my life into something better. I'll keep going. I'm determined.
It's hard and I feel helpless sometimes, but I gotta do this. I gotta.
I deserve healing, we all do. So, I'll keep on seeking it. I will. And I'll get there. I'm more determined every day.

I agree it would be fairer if people with mental illness' were given help to get a job, and their illness' considered a bit more.
I currently work as a programmer and I got that job through an apprenticeship program. It's a good field to get in to cause they're constantly hiring and skilled people are limited in this area.
So yeah, it's a good job, although I struggle with being around people so much, it feels like I'm in a living *. I hope this gets better as I recover more and can socialise with better ease. I'm a freeze type so when I get triggered, which is often, I completely shut down and don't want to talk to, or even look at or be around anyone.
I guess the good thing about working with computers is isolation doesn't often affect my work, I can type away on my lonesome ownsome.
This isn't where my passion lies really, although it is quite a good job.
I want to pursue writing as this is my passion and what I done in college, although maybe just as a hobby mostly, I don't really care how much money I make.
I also really want to get involved in health and wellness, more than anything really, that's my dream job. I want to open my own naturopathic wellness centre, that's the dream :-)

Thanks !

I was considering doing the social anxiety institute course, so it's good to hear it's helped you!
I've heard of that book too, so will maybe buy it soon!

I will look into all of these options anyway, thanks :-) I will keep trying, I know it will get better in time.

Hey, sorry you're dealing with the same thing!

Trigger Warning: NHS being crappy, not taking people seriously and making out their thought of having an illness is a delusion

They have referred me for evening counselling classes so I'm basically on another waiting list.
When I told them I think I have C-PTSD the woman said oh no I don't think you would have that. Then started talking about how people look online to find somewhere to fit, which is damaging or something.
I'm sitting there thinking, why are you so quick to dismiss it? It's an illness that stems from child abuse, which we've just discussed did happen to me. And I literally do have all of the key symptoms like   She could at least have probed further but she didn't, she would rather dismiss it. These people are so often just clueless.
That's what is damaging.
I'm sorry you dealt with the same thing.
I recently read a woman's aid booklet that spoke about this and validated my experience, though.
It said the NHS are most often poor at dealing with these cases because they don't focus on the direct and obvious correlation between mental illness and abuse, and they still mostly live in the belief that PTSD is a thing only soldiers and such like really get. They are basically just massively undertrained in this area. Plus, they tend to just give out tablets which don't fix the problem and rarely allow for the patient to talk through what has happened to them.
Also, counselling classes tend to be given out in short bursts and not ongoing.
Therefore, it's best to seek out your own therapist to be honest, someone who has experience in healing trauma and helping abuse victims.
It's hard though, isn't it? Because therapy is damn dear.
Right now, I'm just finding healing in all the self-help ways I can. I'm reading Pete Walkers book, I'm becoming more compassionate with myself, I'm saving to move out of my FOO's home and slowly but surely getting there.
There's an NHS online thing called beating the blues that helps you use CBT, if you think that would help you, it has helped me to an extent in defusing my belief in unrealistic negative thoughts.
There are organisations out there that give therapy for free, and the NHS can too, eventually. Waiting lists are long but it's always an option.
Personally, I'm hoping to pay for my own when I'm more financially stable, and I'm just trying to take care of myself the best I can until then. Meanwhile, I'm on waiting lists for free counselling, as well. I figure it could help and if it's not helpful I can leave. Worth a try, I guess.
Wishing you luck and wellness, anyways <3
Sorry this is so negative, I'm having quite the moan!

Thanks so much Jewel.
Hearing that really helps me feel more purposeful, and makes me happy :-) I love to use my voice for the good.
Thanks for all the replies everyone, they're all good and well done for keeping on keeping on <3
I faced my social anxiety quite largely today. It was good. It really fills you with a nervous delight. Makes me smile every time I do it and the outcome is good (which it so often is). Here's to more of those moments!

I've been trying to write a poetry book for a few months now, and I'm pretty close to getting finished.
It's about my experience with abuse and it's split into three sections: during, aftermath and healing.
It's hard to write, however, as my memory is so fragmented at times. Like, my brain just doesn't want to remember some things, it clouds over and puts me in a fog.
I become depersonalized from my own feelings, memories and experiences. It's a strange one, but just proves to me further that I do have C-PTSD.

I went to see a psychologist this week, and she dismissed me when I said I probably have C-PTSD. She never asked further questions, she just said I was probably looking for something to fit into online, and she doubts I would have C-PTSD.
I know I'm not delusional, I definitely suffer the symptoms of C-PTSD, and I have the life experience to back that up.
If she was knowledgeable and any good at her practice, surely she would ask further questions or agree to assess me, but they probably don't want the extra hassle of me being traumatized, I guess being mentally ill is bad enough for them.
I'm annoyed. Why would I NOT have C-PTSD when I have every symptom? It makes no sense.
She doesn't know the extent of my life after a 50 minute conversation. She doesn't know everything I experience, and she still doesn't know how bad the abuse was, all she knows is that is happened and it was physical as well as verbal and emotional.
How dare she dismiss me like that?
I'm annoyed.

Work is living *. I'm constantly triggered. I don't want to be alive anymore.
I'm incredibly isolated. It upsets me when I isolate myself, and makes me feel very ashamed and not fit to be working, as my mental illness affects me.

I started a good things journal yesterday. That let me see that I am making some progress. My attendance and time keeping has really improved, that's something. And I have had some nice conversations this week, even if I didn't have the courage to start them. It's still something to be happy about, it's still a good thing amongst the bad.

I want to get through this. I want to get better. I want to keep on trying.
I have hopes and dreams for my future. I hope I can stick in and life stops being so horrible.

I'm moving out soon so that's another good thing. The woman from the charity kept not getting back to me, so I don't think they're helping me anymore. But I've saved up a good bit of money myself, and I'll be able to move out in the next couple of months. So that's a pretty good thing. That's something to celebrate.

aw, I'm glad you guys like the idea

I really relate to that Jewel. A big motivator for me is also to not let my abusers win. My ex boyfriend told me he hoped I would commit suicide, and ironically, this motivates me intensely in sticking around.
Well done for sticking in and fighting through. You do deserve to live, and find that happier tomorrow <3

This is a great idea.

I definitely struggle with being kind to myself and acknowledging my accomplishments. This thread made me realize how I've been focusing on the bad the last month, even though I've achieved so much more than before.

I'm gonna start one of these things, thanks for the great idea! :-)

hey,

I've been struggling  recently. I won't get into it too much but I'd like to be more at peace as opposed to constantly struggling. II thought it might be nice to start a threat on times we have felt glad we stayed alive, or for times we felt the sunshine shone a whole lot brighter, and we were just glad to have stuck around through the hard times for this.
I'll start:

I had just begun a new job and I was struggling with avoidance, as I had barely attended college and just not went in whenever my mental health was bad. I had been strongly suicidal, with intent, at this point but I managed to make myself go in to work anyway and I had a decent enough day. Afterwards, I was struck by many realizations - that I could socialize with people, that every moment of that day was something I wouldn't have experienced had I died and the negative, long-term beliefs I had about my life and myself had been proven wrong in several ways.

I read a book and relaxed on the bus home, something I had struggled to do for a long time due to depression, and I felt genuinely hopeful and happy. I was so glad I had stuck around so I could know that my bad thoughts were not all true, it was a revelation. I felt like my perception had shifted, because I had been shown another way, my negative beliefs I had were not all true.

I know that doesn't sound like a massively happy experience, but it just was, it just felt good for things to shift a little in a more positive direction.

Feel free to share your more happy moments / things you're grateful for / anything that gives you meaning, joy or purpose.

hey,

Thank you <3

I've not had that many tasks as I've not long started, but yeah I guess that could help in future.

That's true. I have a tendency to think things are worse than they are. I am really quiet and socially anxious but I am always nice enough when I do speak and I'm still turning up every day, I haven't been absent since December, despite my drastically bad mental health, so that's something to celebrate 

I've been trying deep breathing recently and it does help a little. I'll try and stay kind to myself too (although it is really hard)!

Thanks again