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This truly is an amazing tribe!!!  I love it here!

I have always been drawn to rocks for their beauty and collect heart shaped stones too. This area is very new to me as far as the energy and everything......but there really is something to it.......I believe. And things that I have read really support that too. It is exciting, I think. It is fun reading what you guys wrote here about them. So much beauty in this world........

After being on this thread, I have been paying more attention to how I "feel" when going out. Yesterday we had a busy day of running around, and meeting people. I could not believe how I felt a full on panic almost before leaving the house. But then when I was finally caught up in the actual going and doing, it did ease off. I was trying to be super mindful of the experience.

1. I hear a lot of shoulds going through my brain....pressure to get EVERYTHING done that needs to get done before leaving the house...sooo I delegated  and asked my husband to do a couple things while I got ready.

2. Once we left the house, lots of what-ifs were playing through my mind.......and then as if they had already happened, I felt this out of nowhere really, irritability start up.......and I thought my husband does not need me in an irritable mood for something imaginary especially and something he did not cause........so I tried to get a grip and did some deep breathing which helped. By the time we got to the first person's house......I was feeling normal and the rest of the day went pretty well, honestly.

3. I allowed myself a special treat as far as junk food lol for making it through the day. I don't do that too often, and it was fun. I splurged on a couple of things. And then I told myself that I could take care of me tomorrow and sleep in if I needed to. It was like just giving myself this permission eased my tension a lot too. I slept great and had a really good day today, without all that fallout I usually have.

Thank you so much for this thread for the awareness it provides..........by being aware we can take control back. Before reading this thread I would just ride the wave and now I feel like I have some control again. 

So glad you liked it  I know, it is too sweet!!! 

He has been getting more and more into cptsd lately too..... a little language, but so worth it to overlook for amazing content in so many of these videos. He really gets it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLrHZvHFg3k

Thank you marycontrary. I feel exactly the same. It really is a problem with empathy......and when I witness it, it honestly blows my mind. It is the exact opposite of how I am. Funny thing is a lot of these people think they are empaths......I really like how you put that 'make and effort to get me.' And yes with the not being heard. You know it is interesting because my husband has been very stressed lately, and was really making me feel that way. He was constantly cutting me off, just not listening and it went on for quite a while........I realized how badly it was starting to affect me, feeling like you said, not heard. So I kept calling him on it.......immediately after he would do it.......it really made him mad at first but I didn't care  and just kept plugging away. It worked too. He has done a complete 180..........I could tell I had gotten through to him........and then I saw him making an effort and then strides and now he seems pretty normal  But at the bottom of that, is that he wanted to. And I think that is key. When someone shows you by DOING that they are willing to work at hearing you and getting you. This friend knows she does this and apologizes, yet does it again and again. It is like everything in my life is secondary, and we have to discuss her life first. I am getting very tired of it. I want to try to say something, but am not sure exactly how to word it. She had a horrible n mom and knows she has fleas.................BUT....the lack of empathy thing is very hard to have in a real friendship. I would love to hear more about how you set the boundaries as far as empathy was concerned. I was able to set boundaries with my foo and most of them left.........just like that video said. It was hard, very hard at first but now I know I am much better off without them.  These were different kinds of boundaries tho. Anyway I would love to hear how you went about doing that....thanks!! 

First of all I am so sorry to hear you are suffering with this.  Just reading your letter I felt my whole body tense up so I can only imagine how hard it is to actually be living this.

You might want to try taking magnesium. It is such a calming and relaxing mineral, that we are all pretty much deficient in. You can get this stuff on amazon.com called Calm. It is a powder that you mix with warm water and you can either drink it during the day or right before bed. I have bad insomnia a lot, not as bad as what you are experiencing, but bad enough to cause disruption in my life and this stuff helps SO MUCH. Also magnesium tablets will work if you would rather take them instead. Honestly. This helps so much......and it naturally calms down the hyper vigilance and anxiety too. You can google it and see just how much to take etc. I hope this helps.

Also you are doing meditation and breathing..........maybe try yoga.....it will take a week or so before you notice. At least 30-45 mins a day and like with the meditation it helps to really focus on the breathing. I swear by these two things. I hope you find some serious relief and get feeling like yourself again soon. 

This is why I appreciate this group so much  And why I just can't get over how insensitive people can be. Tonight, I shared with a friend I have had for several years about my daughter's miscarriage over the weekend. She said, sorry, that is sad, poor girl and then went right into a rant about her neighbor... and that was that...this is someone I have known for a long time.............and I do like and care about her. She does realize at times she does this and says she is sorry sometimes, but I don't know....she continues to do it....tonight it made me furious  .......like seriously!!! We were chatting on facebook, and I just didn't even answer. I couldn't.  Then she came back with my 'sad feelings are understandable and what I am feeling is grief.'  These types of responses with friends are why I have such a hard time talking about anything that happens to me with anybody.........it makes me feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing.......which in this case I know I am not......I want to say something to her about this. I do care about her......but need to set a HUGE boundary. I would love any tips on how to do this. She wanted to talk tonight on the phone and I didn't and told her why I wasn't feeling in a very talkative mood......Gosh, I would love to have a friend that if I told something like this, would react like everybody here does......normal! I thank you guys so much for how caring and compassionate you are. I am still shaking I am so upset about her reaction. I am sorry..........just needed to vent. 

Thank you Milarepa  Talked to her today and she was in good spirits.

It really does and then when you throw in the double whammy of maybe not being  honest with yourself about what you feel and why.....the guilt is hugely exhausting on top of it. It is funny as I sit here typing this, it feels a bit foggy like coming out of a cloud in a sense after reading all the posts here and having them tick so many boxes, yet still being in a place of somewhat confusion about all of it. I have NEVER read anything like this thread so vividly describing so much of what I have felt every single day now for the better part of three years. It is lessening. I am coming out of it, but getting to the bottom of it and taking that first step toward understanding it is huge. So thankful for this thread! I thoroughly enjoyed my day yesterday, thank you.  I hope you enjoyed your tea. That sounded like a perfect time out with space for beautiful nurturing and self care. I am right there with you.........a fellow tea lover  It does have magical powers doesn't it?  Tonight I was having more anxiety than I have had for a little while........I went for a brisk walk and then did a yoga practice with a lot of twists, to help with the anxiety. I used to feel bad about doing that too...taking an hour or so for me. But not any more. I felt so much better after. The anxiety had completely gone away. Sounds like we are on a very similar path, and it feels amazing little by little taking our power back doesn't it?

C.....it is so nice to see it validated and explained.........I would love to hear more about your rocks. We have some land higher up in the mountains than where we live that has a huge area of crystal, amethyst and black tourmaline. I have brought so much home. I was really drawn to the tourmaline and had no idea why, other than loving how it looked....so different.......then I read the qualities of the rocks.....I was pretty blown away. I have always felt such a positive vibe and lightness when we visit that area. There has to be something to it! Anything that naturally lifts you up, is a good thing in my book  The path you are on sounds very exciting also. And taking care of ourselves after social situations that are difficult to say the least is the start of really good self care........and definitely leads to more authenticity. It feels so uncomfortable at first because it is so foreign to us........like the brain has to rewire and go........ok, this IS good for me  and get rid of the lousy programming we have lived with for so long. This thread is very enlightening and a springboard for so much promise coming in our lives. I need to keep reading it!

The doctor's appt went very well this afternoon. They left feeling very positive. She is very healthy otherwise and looking forward again to starting their family. Thank you so much for letting me share about this. It really helped me a lot. You all are restoring my faith in humanity!!!!!!!

Keepfighting..........thank you for your warm response and kind words -- they mean SO much. I am very sorry to hear that happened to your daughters.  Glad to hear tho that you can expect a full recovery. I am sorry that your family has been affected by something like this also. What you said about our family meant a lot. The distance is hard, but I am thankful that we can speak by phone and on the computer. I really like your suggestion of sending them something special and plan to put something together. That is such a great idea.

Cat...........yes, I was the same way. I can still remember the day I found out. I wanted to yell it from the rooftop I was so so happy. Yes, it really is. I appreciate so much what you said. Thank you  Yes, exactly...........thank you for that. We are ready for the happy stuff now  It does seem like life can go in phases that way. No, what you said about the cptsd makes perfect sense. I can imagine my mom, it would be and always was.....about how much worse she had it....like a contest. Didn't even think of it that way. Thank you.

marycontrary....Thank you 

C....I am very sorry to hear that you experienced this also.    I am sure the anniversaries are big triggers and a time of introspection and reflection for you. Wow, that is an awful lot to go through. I do believe with certain friends it can be too much. It is unfortunate and can just add to what you are already dealing with. Thank you so much for what you said about my "mothering"  When I look back at my mom I remember so often thinking I was learning how NOT to be to my daughters. Not that all my mom did was bad, but so much of it was self serving and had N supply as the goal.  Thank you. I am finding that more and more here and it is such a blessing just having this in my life now. 

Kizzie........ Thank you  Yes, I am sure........so sad that we do feel that way and unfortunately,  definitely a learned thing. You are so right......she is handling it as well as anybody could under the circumstances. I appreciate you saying that. It is getting easier to share here This group is amazing!!!! You are right and it is soooo much healthier than my foo. Sometimes we just don't see it because we are so close. It means a lot having you guys point that out, and feels empowering in a way. 

Feeling much  better about things tonight and I owe it all to this group.

Just watched the short version and thought it was excellent. Thank you for sharing the link. I really enjoy Ross Rosenberg's work. This video really spells out what to expect which is so nice......letting you know that when you are experiencing it that it is ok and part of the process. I plan to watch the longer version too. Do you by chance have his new book? I would love to know your thoughts on it if you do. Thanks!

 

This is all such great news and so encouraging. I am very happy for you that you have had so many positive changes in your living and processing. I can relate to some of what you are saying yes,  but not as BIG yet, so your post gives me a lot of hope! It sounds like you really have a great handle on all of it with your boundaries and list of things you need to do. Your boundaries are EXCELLENT. This is so inspiring to read and I wish nothing but the BEST for you.

Cat........yes, yes, and yes, to EVERYTHING you said.  I used to hear 'don't dwell on it,' or 'don't be so sensitive' so often they are forever ingrained in my head. Or when something would happen and I would try to share with my mom, she was always there to one up it and tell me how much worse she had it. It is definitely programmed into us. You start hiding your real feelings and it is exhausting, because we are living such an inauthentic life and our body knows it and quickly tires of it. We just shut down on so many levels. You know, today, well actually last night.......I was feeling like I needed to spend a day in bed, with the dogs watching tv and journaling  ........so today, just like I planned, that is exactly what I did. I laid in bed until I WANTED to get up and did not feel the least bit bad about it. And the rest of my day was very productive. I used to feel very guilty about days like this,  but then it was like walk a day in my shoes or a week ha ha and then we'll talk. I really let myself FEEL my feelings now. And thankfully I no longer feel guilt for that either. I used to terribly!

Flookadelic....thank you so much  I love that quote too. It is healing just to KNOW we are not alone in our feelings and to accept, really accept that they are not our fault. I am so happy I made it here too. Thanks!

marycontrary.......couldn't agree more. Very strong too!

voicelessagony2.......so nice to meet you too.........that light is so encouraging.....I feel the same way and wish you the very same. 

 

You are absolutely right in everything you said. And where other people are concerned I do believe I have some control over how much I expose myself too, and therefore how much more raw I let things get. I have really been working on that lately and thinking about it even more today. Kind of rethinking my "friend" list.  We had something very sad happen to us over this weekend and I had nobody that I could go to and just talk about it........yet I have been there for so many when they have gone through similar things. It just really gets you thinking about where, how and who you invest your time in.

It is weird, but part of me felt like starting this post with an apology........like I am sorry to bring anybody down, but this is what I am going through. STILL a sense of shame for bad things that happen to our family, because of careLESS reactions from others for many years.  BUT then I remembered what a warm, generous group of people are here and I felt safer.........I thank you so much for that.  I so need to just share my feelings. Just get them out I guess. There really isn't anything that can be said to make it better......it is just such a sad thing to have happen to anybody. And even more so when it is one of your own kids.
My daughter and son in law knew she was pregnant and were waiting for the right time to share it with us. They were super excited and had planned to tell us in a very special way......Sadly we woke up Saturday to a very, very sad sweetheart crying on the phone and asking how you can tell if you are having a miscarriage?  Our hearts broke for her. It is still so hard to believe this has even happened. It was their first pregnancy. They live very far away so being there for them physically was not possible, but we did as much as we could over the phone and have been in contact every day since. She is doing well physically, thankfully but as you can imagine is being triggered by so much........and feeling like sleeping a lot and having periods of doing well and not so well emotionally. I want to be there for her as much as I can even from a distance.  The whole thing is so sad, and just makes you feel sick and like you wish as a parent you could make it all better for them.
Again this is where the Cptsd comes in. My daughter and I were both diagnosed with ptsd.....the realization of cptsd came a little later. (I seriously believe all four of us have it to a certain degree) We have had, we feel an insane amount of medical crap happen to us. And serious stuff too. This has been going on for years with sometimes very little break in between........so needless to say in a sense we kind of anticipate things happening now. Just in the past 3 weeks we have had several things happen.......and you just feel so helpless.....because in general they are things you NEVER would have imagined. Cancer, life threatening allergic reactions to medications, husband passing out because of a prescription he was put on that made his blood pressure go too high and even things with our pets.....seizures etc. It is almost like we can never just relax and enjoy life as much as we used to because it seems like every week and a half or so there is something pretty heavy to deal with.
It also bothers me that as much as we have been there for others and we REALLY have........when things happen to us, there is nobody to turn to, except each other.....our small family. I think we all feel shame and embarrassed by all that has happened. I feel it is the uncaring reactions we have gotten from others, extended family included that have made us feel this way.  And the other thing is when things like this continually happen to your family......how in the world do you get past this cptsd........it seems like we are cursed sometimes honestly. 
My daughter has a doctor's appt tomorrow and for the most part seems to be handling this really well.......being honest with herself about her feelings when she needs to but also looking toward the future to trying again. Journaling and talking about it too. Thanks for letting me share.........it just feels nice to be able to sort of talk about it. 

Another piece of the puzzle just clicked into place for me tonight. I have found my tribe.    Reading all of this tonight made so many things that have confused me for the past couple years make so much sense. I need and plan to read through this several more times. Thank you so much for sharing. There are things written about here that I have felt for quite sometime and thought about but have never told anybody. I still feel confused about some of it.....but it is like the door has cracked open and a bit of light has made its way into the corners. It is weird, but I would have to say my life has drastically changed over the last probably 3 years. When my parents did what they did and walked out of my life, moved 1200 miles away to live near my golden child brother and never even said goodbye........there has been a hole, a sadness there, that has never gone completely away. I do feel like having them gone has been so much better for me in almost every way. The critic isn't quite as loud anymore, and that is huge. Yet I do feel so "different" because nobody I know has had this happen to them, being abandoned by their entire family...........and I think that was the beginning of the kind of things shared on this thread.....for me. I FEEL different.......when I am out I feel shame, but I do my best to hide it.......at home I feel like a huge load has been lifted. Like I am free as soon as I come in. I also feel that freedom when I am out hiking for miles and miles in the woods and mountains....I love that.  I have finally stopped shaming myself for my at home behavior. Like that saying that is so popular right now says "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle." Well I have started being kind to myself just recently and it feels very good...because I AM fighting a battle...that nobody sees........my husband does a little, but mainly I journal and talk to my dogs  I don't find myself wanting to share this, because it is so raw and so vulnerable. This thread really brought a lot of things to light for me......a new beginning