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Ah I see, that is sad. Poor you.  I seem to cry on my own quite often, in fact, nearly always in the toilet or bathroom (the only rooms that lock).

I hope you are also able to get in touch with your crying and have a cathartic release - thank you for commenting on my post and letting me know I'm not the only one.

Thank you for replying to my post. I am both glad I'm not alone but sad for you.

Do you think it's shame? I'm just reading a carl Jung article on shame and wonder if that's why?

I cried a couple of times in therapy but over the course of over 2 years and like you, it was cathartic and I want more of it.

Is it trust? I do trust my t, do you trust your's?

It's me again! Sorry everyone I know I'm posting a lot this week. I guess I need more support than usual from people who understand.

I had therapy last night. I couldn't cry (as usual). I wanted to, I could feel it in the back of my eyes - I could feel the sadness in my body and several times the wave would hit and somehow automatically it was gone again.

T asked me what I am afraid of - she asked am I worried she will tell me off or shout, be angry etc - I said no. I told her I want to come and cry it out because I know it will help, but I get there and it just goes away.

I thought about this last night and all I can come up with is that when I was younger, my mum wouldn't deal with me crying. Cliche' as it is, she would say that she would "give me something to cry about". Or send me to my room. But the most relevant, she would NEVER hug me, ever and when I was crying that was what I used to want the most.

Obviously in therapy, t doesn't either and so I do wonder if that's some of my reluctanc? She said it's healing to have someon "sit with you" through the pain and I "get it" intellectually anyway...

Does anyone else have this problem?

I sent my therapist my post "I hate it" (under Having a Bad Day) yesterday.  After writing it, I ended up crying my eyeballs  out in the loo at work.  I then had to hide in there for ages to try and de-redden my face which is pretty much impossible because it stays red and blotchy for ages after I cry. 

Anyway, at the time of sending it, I felt desperate, needy, vulnerable, weak and extremely sad.  However, I did say in the email that I didn't need/want a reply and I didn't even want to be made to feel better. Just wanted to say it out loud (well, write it) because otherwise I will "put it away" which I always tend to do.  I tend to bring my adult self to therapy and am very rarely vulnerable or emotional there.

She did reply, when I was in bed late last night and said she was hearing my sadness etc and that we would talk about it on Tuesday (tonight is therapy night) - now I just feel embarrassed and stupid for sending it because I'm not right there "in it" anymore... I hate that feeling.

Tuesday 17th Jan, 2017

I sent therapist my post "I hate it" yesterday.  After writing it, I ended up crying my eyeballs  out in the loo at work.  I then had to hide in there for ages to try and de-redden my face which is pretty much impossible because it stays red and blotchy for ages after I cry. 

Anyway, at the time of sending it, I felt desperate, needy, vulnerable, weak and extremely sad.  However, I did say in the email that I didn't need/want a reply and I didn't even want to be made to feel better. Just wanted to say it out loud (well, write it) because otherwise I will "put it away" which I always tend to do.  I tend to bring my adult self to therapy and am very rarely vulnerable or emotional there.

She did reply, when I was in bed late last night and said she was hearing my sadness etc and that we would talk about it on Tuesday (tonight is therapy night) - now I just feel embarrassed and stupid for sending it because I'm not right there "in it" anymore... I hate that feeling.

That's exactly it, it isn't that I drank for one night - its more the fact I broke my Dry January and also the fact that I feel shallow because I know I drank for her benefit (as in, she would like that much more than me not drinking) AND I guess knowing I struggle for any connection, superficial or otherwise with her without it.  I just feel weak I guess.

1st entry.  16 Jan 2017.

I have a weird feeling inside today. I can't name the feeling and I think I would struggle to describe it. I feel part sad, part confused and partly just too busy with thoughts yet I can't seem to really describe anything, it is odd.

I am disappointed in myself because I ended up drinking when I went to the meal Saturday night when I didn't plan to.  I've felt bad about it since and feel weak for giving in when I had planned to stay strong. I feel embarrassed at myself for the fact that I knew she would approve of me having a drink which is clearly why I did it – although I didn't consciously think that at the time.. well not entirely anyway. It's that bloody power and control over me thing again and I HATE IT.

I feel like a weak little puppet who should know better. Why can I feel so strong and empowered some days and so weak and vulnerable others?

Then I feel bad when I write stuff like that because I am meant to be working on being nice to myself and not letting the inner critic take over etc – so many things all conflicting and they are all hard work.

I feel like if I sat alone with my thoughts for more than a few seconds, I could cry but I am at work and keeping busy to get through the day. I don't like this feeling.

Last night [other half] had to phone his ex-wife and he went upstairs because my sister was round. I got instantly angry and felt miserable and insecure and stayed feeling that way for about an hour or so until I decided to write out my thoughts and what was going on inside. I realised that it was jealousy and insecurity (obviously) but I also worked out that its because I am constantly hypervilgent for real or imagined (in this case) threats  - clearly it triggered me to imagine I would end up abandoned. All because he spoke to his ex-wife on the phone – and then I berate myself for it... so I realised and managed to pull it back by being kind to my "inner child" rather than nasty and tell myself all these feelings I have to deal with are because of things that happened to me, because of her and that I wasn't born feeling these things – they aren't my fault. I am not to blame.  Luckily, I did manage to climb out of it. Today though, I feel stupid for it (which I'm not meant to feel so then I feel double bad!).

Since Thursday, my moods have fluctuated so much. Thursday afternoon after and evening counselling I cried on and off, I felt sad.  Friday I took holiday from work to be home on my own – that is what I needed. I cried a few times but nothing as bad as other times.  I was craving something – I needed to be surrounded by my "things" my comforts.  I got into my onesie, I got a hot water bottle, my teddy, my magazine and my kindle. I slept a lot, I had a long, hot, bubble bath and I just hid away. I felt like I needed "nurturing" if that makes sense. I actually had a dream over the weekend that I was asleep and [other half's] mum was stroking my cheek as I was sleeping – a bit embarrassing but I guess that is exactly what that was about too.

Then I saw her (mother) Saturday night – I start doubting whether it's all real and true again – which really is annoying because I felt so great the other day.

Then I wake up today, back to sadness and this horrible cloudy feeling of whatever it is.... Why are things so hard? Why does any of this even have to be.. to exist.. why is it there in the first place aghgghghghghhg. 

Thank you both so much for replying.

I feel the same, I do not drink all the time, in the day or anything like that. I am just annoyed that I set out to have a "Dry January" and as soon as I am around her, I feel the need to drink.

I think you are right about numbing off feelings when I am around her and it being easier to deal with her behaviour for sure. You are right. I would like to get to a point where I don't need to drink to be around her.  As you say though, one step at a time.
Thank you both x

I am just wondering, does anyone here that suffers from CPTSD drink because of it or because of situations you find too hard without it?

I am not an alcoholic by any means, but I wasn't meant to be drinking in January and because of having to have a meal with the family (including my npd mother) I ended up drinking. I felt ashamed of myself when I woke up yesterday and have since questioned why I feel the need to drink around her?

In my opinion she does have a drink problem - she gets very drunk every weekend and stays up all night (literally) with friends and her husband etc but that's another story. I am now questioning do I drink around her because I can't relate to her without drink? Because it makes me less nervous, what?

Hi guys,

So last night, my other half had to speak to his ex-wife on the phone about some child-care arrangements. He went upstairs and spoke to her with the door shut. I was downstairs with my sister.  Now, rationally I appreciate and understand this is a very normal and reasonable thing to happen - them to speak and co-parent, and him to want privacy to make the call. However what happened was that I become very moody and irritable. I could feel the anger in my body. I didn't like it and I was angry with him (even though he had done nothing wrong).

I am reading Pete Walker's book at the moment on CPTSD recovery and saw this:

"The hypervigilance of Complex PTSD is an overaroused sympathetic nervous system fixation on endangerment that comes from long-term childhood exposure to real danger. In an effort to recognize, predict and avoid danger, hypervigilance develops in a traumatized child as an incessant, on-guard scanning of both the real environment and, most especially, the imagined upcoming environment. Hypervigilance typically devolves into intense performance anxiety on every level of self-expression, and perfectionism festers into a virulent inner voice that manifests as self-hate, self-disgust and self-abandonment at every turn".

I am just trying to understand what happens internally... I recognise it as jealousy and insecurity. I also recognise that I know intellectually it is silly of me - but I just want to really understand what happens to me when this happens.

Is it that I am being hypervigilant and scanning for potential danger - in my eyes: they are talking, they will get back together and I will be abandoned?

Sorry if this seems really clear and obvious to anyone else here - I do seem to struggle to relate these things to myself!

Thank you

Thank you for them links I will have a look at them.

I feel very sad reading your post about your ex, it sounds like you went through an absolute *. Even as a stranger to you, well done for getting out and seeking help to recover. Remember how strong you are to have even come this far.

You are right. To say it was abuse is powerful I guess, I hadn't looked at it like that. Thank you.

Also, I totally understand what you say about having personal definitions for abuse - I think that's why I've spent the last 2 years in therapy waiting to realise what my "real" problem/issue is, when this is it. It was there in front of me the whole time and I looked at it like an unfortunate side detail.

Thank you and all the luck for your own recovery.

Do you think it's part of the process then? This light bulb moment? I thought I was just being a bit slow on the uptake (me being self-critical!) but it seems that people may have experienced the same thing?! That's validating.

I now understand that due to the lack of attunement and connection from my mother,  and due to her NPD and her neglect, I didn't develop emotionally how I would have if I had a different start to life, which explains my problems - insecurity, self-doubt, fear of abandonment and in the past, getting into relationships with the wrong people - always trying to get that approval...

Now just to find out what's next?! How do we heal?

Thank you for your lovely and validating reply!

It's weird how it works isn't it. We've talked about my mother's ways being abusive for two years now so I "knew" already... she has NPD and we've discussed loads of her characteristics and how she hurt me directly and indirectly yet all of a sudden it's "news!" Isn't that odd? I will see therapist again tomorrow to understand this more but I imagine she will say I understood it intellectually but no emotionally or something?

When you say there's not been a lightbulb for your mother's abuse, do you mean like me? As in you know she abused you but don't "feel" it yet, or are you perhaps in the bargaining phase of being unsure if it's true?

Hi all,  I hope you are all having a good day.

Last night in therapy, we discussed a horrible dream I had last week (posted on OOTS) – my therapist said that she thought the dream represented me fragmenting part of myself as a child when I realised a part of me had to "die off" in order for me to be safe. She felt that the huge loss and sadness I felt in the dream was about the emotional loss of my mother who was emotionally unavailable to me growing up.  I hadn't really thought of the dream that way, but it did make sense.  The rest of the session we spoke about numerous memories/stories that came up – one being that my mum tried to give me away when I was born (whilst in hospital) because I wouldn't stop crying – I thought I had told her this before but apparently I hadn't and she looked shocked.  We spoke about things like that I have never felt truly loved by my mum (or my dad but that's another subject) and that I don't have an emotional connection with her.  I said how I always wished I could go to my mum and be cuddled or made to feel better like I see in films or read in books.. my therapist said that when you are neglected as a child, you are not taught to self-soothe and aren't soothed by mum either which leads to a lot of my issues as an adult I guess.. maybe some can relate?

Anyway, sorry, getting to the point – I wrote this note this morning:

I have a weird feeling today following counselling last night. I read a few articles last night when I went to bed about childhood emotional neglect and although I knew everything I read previously, it felt like something made more sense or like a light bulb went off.
I almost feel like it's just suddenly become clear that emotional neglect during childhood IS "abuse" and it did cause a lot of my problems and sadness that she did neglect me growing up and that it's had its effects on me.
I said last night that I've never felt she absolutely loved me or cherished me ever as a child - that's a very real and raw feeling. I've never said that out loud before.
It was almost like it hadn't really sank in or I was waiting to realise what the "real" trauma/problem was - like that wasn't enough. I thought nothing was that bad really. But today I don't feel like that.
I feel a strange mixture of sadness and relief.

I just wondered whether this resonated with anyone else? I have been in therapy for 2 years and 3 months so I am surprised that I am only just really feeling this – intellectually I knew it all long ago, of course, but today it suddenly feels real?

Any comments appreciated, thanks!

Ah thank you so much for your reply, I've been desperate to have chance to write back all day but that's hard with 3 step kids!!

Well, my therapist says that I've spent most of my life dissociated and so I also feel most my dreams seem to be how I figure stuff out.

Death hasn't been a real regular symbol or anything for me before - abandonment has - that's where my main issues lay - attachment related stuff. It felt like abandonment in the dream but can it be if it was me leaving and not someone else?

I can't help but feel the part where I was dead but my physical body wasn't is something along the lines of being dead/killed inside... does that make sense? Possibly relating to dissociation or something? I've previously had a dream (worst one I've ever had), where I was raped in my bathroom and I said in that dream that I wasn't there but I knew what was happening - does that make sense? It's like both are me having something awful happen (rape, death) and me saying that I wasn't there even though I was physically.

Justice has Played a part a few times. The police too.

My remains and the eggs I have absolutely no idea!

I feel silly but I feel like these awful dreams are trying to tell me something and I can't shake the thought I've not remembered something awful that's happened to me but I feel bad and a bit sick thinking that if I am wrong! ..!