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Thursday 9th Feb

Today is therapy day again. I like therapy days, they seem to feel different. I can't entirely work out what the feeling is, but it can change the feel of the day from "ugh, another day" to "oh, its T day, excellent"... isn't that strange. 

I thought I would write a quick entry and I thought I would ask myself, how am I feeling today? Then it struck me, that I find it pretty hard to answer that. I mean, if someone else asked me that, I'd just say I'm fine, thanks, or I'm good! but knowing I am writing in my own journal means I can be a bit more honest and think about the answer more and I realised how strange it is that I can't answer that quickly. I have no obvious feeling of sadness or anger or anything - so I guess I am happy... although I'm not hyperactive happy like I can sometimes be.. in fact that seems to have been happening less and less frequently lately. 

After my big session on Tuesday evening, me and my boyfriend had a pretty brief chat last night about things, I told him that I had cried a lot in my session on Tuesday and he seemed genuinely surprised. He asked why and I said the triangle stuff, realising I had been doing this and not realising, the fear that we weren't as happy as I thought we were - he got off his chair and came to cuddle me and I burst into tears again - something has REALLY got me with this stuff, hasn't it!?

He said that we may not be perfect but that we have a relationship that a lot of people would be envious of, I agreed with that but said I was so scared of the things we had done that weren't "healthy" or whatever.  He went into the kitchen to clean up after dinner and I sat at the table and cried again, quite hard. I could feel that I was only crying half as hard as I could have - that was a weird feeling.  I don't know a better of way of describing this, but it was like the depth of the tears were (could have been) soooo deep. 

My boyfriend promised that he would try to open up to me more about how he feels and I said that I felt like such a * when he admitted that when I ask him what he wants, he panics and doesn't tell me because he worries about what I will say or think. I said I hate that he thinks I'm that bad and that I felt so guilty for that. He said it wasn't that he thought I would "kick off" but more that he worried he wouldn't express himself clearly and then I would jump to conclusions and take it out of context and it would upset me.  I said that was a sign that I wasn't patient enough and that hopefully it would get easier now we've had this conversation and with practice.  He agreed and said he promised to try and open up more and relax about things that he worries about.  I told him that I'm not weak and unable to handle things and he said he knew that.  I said that we had to work on things so that if I was upset by something he told me about how he was feeling, that was MY problem to deal with and not his to own. 

Obviously Tuesday night's session and that conversation are emotionally tough so maybe that's why I don't feel hyperactively happy but I don't feel sad either... I just kinda "am"... maybe its even a good thing not to swing from high to low so much? I don't know.

Knowing I'll be back at T's at 1.30 is a good feeling - I don't really know what to expect. I guess she will want to talk about my tears the other night and my reaction to this stuff.. I wonder whether there are more tears yet to come or not? I also think she will ask me how I am feeling knowing that I only have 2 sessions before a week's break - and for the first time I think I am able to admit to her that I am not looking forward to it. I've been on a countdown of the date she's going away since she told me it at our first session back after Christmas.  I guess it unsteadies me because I have become so dependant on my sessions, on her and knowing that even with 2 sessions a week, I still have to reach out to her via email sometimes - I guess there is a panic that I won't be able to handle stuff without her there.  When she's on holiday, I NEVER email her. I do plan to be honest about this today if it comes up, but I am embarrassed about admitting it.  There has been so much shame and embarrassment this week hasn't there?!

Things occupying my mind at the moment are:

• The triangle stuff/stuff with me and my boyfriend
  My reaction on Tuesday and again last night - the crying and how deep it felt
  The shame I've felt this week in particular
  The therapy break coming up
  What my mum said at the weekend about men crying; and
  That dream about the man
  

x

twink, you're a brave and wonderful soul!  congrats to you for doing the tough work.  what an accomplishment!  and you're therapist sounds beautiful, nudging you but allowing you your pace as well.  well done, both of you!

i believe those tears are cleansing tears, bringing out some of the poison of fear that you've been keeping inside, so i'm really glad you were able to release them.   acknowledging those fears is usually difficult and painful, but you did it.  you can  be very proud of yourself.  if it were my place, i'd be very proud of you, too.  wonderful work - no wonder that you were tired afterwards.  it is hard work to say the least!

what your t said about being in therapy, making those changes in ourselves that evolve into changes in the relationship is so true.  would it be possible for your bf to come to therapy with you, some couples counseling at least, to get this explained to him?  just a thought. 

you did good, sweetie, real good.  it was huge, indeed!

Wow what an amazing message to read. Thank you so, so much sanmagic, you don't know how lovely that message was to read.... it IS tough work and I do feel proud actually, you're right - thank you for saying those things.  I love that you are "there" reading my rambling diary entries as a non-judgmental ear. Thank you.

Re couple's counselling, this was something I have thought about but he isn't "into" that stuff. I guess his defences are still too high. I try to remember that I have been in therapy for nearly 3 years and I can't expect everyone to feel the same as me, I know how slow the process has been for me, even this is a huge example of taking so long to really process despite learning and reading about it over a year ago!!

Wednesday 8th Feb.

I had my session last night, I really was feeling very anxious about it yesterday. I guess that I knew deep down it would be okay really, but the shame was so much. I wanted to hide and even had thoughts (quick ones) of cancelling my session and saying I was sick.  I haven't ever missed a session due to illness in nearly 3 years so the thought left quite quickly and I guess that the fact I sent t an email to tell her I was feeling huge shame and embarrassment about coming helped me to know that perhaps she would go delicately with me.

As the time turned to 7.30pm last night, my stomach dropped and I had to lock the car and knock on her door. She greeted me the same way she always has done, with a smile and a hello Twinkletoes... I sat down and put my coat over my lap as always - she asked me last session why I do that and I did admit its a comfort thing. I felt hugely uncomfortable and was dreading what was going to get said, I realised that I couldn't look at her.  She had my emails in her hand, as predicted.  The first thing she said was, I have got your email. You are really shaming yourself, try not to do that and then she said "well done for sending it".. I felt embarrassed immediately and said "ha, thanks" quite flippantly although I knew deep down that I liked hearing her say "well done" - it was like it helped me to feel I had done the right thing and that it meant she could really understand the struggle I was having within in coming to my session.

She handed me the emails over and said she wanted me to read them - she clearly knew I didn't want to. She said that she wasn't trying to be mean, but she thought it would help me to get into touch with things.... I panicked I guess.  I took the emails and said that I really didn't want to (despite the fact I knew I was about to)... I held the emails and immediately my eyes filled up and I started crying. I hadn't even said a word at this point. I couldn't look at her. I felt a huge wave of heat come over me and I had to take my jumper off because I started sweating. 

She was kind, as always, and told me to take my time, to go with the feelings, not to rush the reading part etc etc - I said I couldn't believe I was already crying and I hadn't even read the first word from the email yet! I noticed that when I cried, it was extremely sudden and deep. Not just a few little tears - this is unusual for me in therapy but also, normally I feel the build-up more than I did in that moment.

I read the email and a few times during the email I burst into sobs - proper, deep sobs. I even made a noise at one point (not sure how to articulate this properly!) but it made me really realise quite how hurt I was at the things I was reading. Here is a small section of the email that made me do this: 

I feel scared that now this has come out into the open that we won't be able to tolerate it. What if we can't fix it? What if Paul is put off completely and can't see me any differently after "seeing" it?
 
I feel ashamed that I've done this – that I've let this happen. What if I do lose him ... is our love strong enough for us to climb out of this triangle together and still be okay? I've spent the last 3 years feeling so sure I have finally found "the one". Someone that I feel safe with, secure with, someone I don't worry about cheating on me or leaving me – someone that "gets me", encourages me and supports me. Having someone that understands all that I do in my counselling and can be there for me when I am going through tough times without judgment..  and now I realise we've been in these roles, does that mean none of it was real?

She told me that I was really in touch with the fear and the abandonment and the loss of hope and things like that. I agreed. It felt huge.

Here is another sentence that hurt to read: I know logically it isn't just my fault. It is both of our issues that have allowed for it to happen and I know that I am working on myself in counselling so I am doing the best I can do, but I do feel extremely worried and upset right now that maybe now we've realised, it can't ever be hidden again. I can't bear to think that we might not be "real".




I managed to read the whole email, I was extremely glad to have got to the end of it and then we discussed it.  She told me that its very painful when we realise things in therapy that we've always done - that we couldn't see. She said that it is a good thing, but we have to get through the pain of the realisation first. I told her that I learnt this relationship triangle stuff a year ago but I was too scared to show the article to my boyfriend, in case he left me. She explained that our defences are so strong at first that you won't be able to really "see" yourself in things until you are ready to.  She said that me and my boyfriend have repeated this pattern/cycle a few times since I've been seeing her, she said that it becomes quite disrespectful and that now I've really understood it, I will be able to notice when it is in play and stop it. She said that it can't change overnight and that it's a strong and powerful thing but it's a good thing. I told her that I felt like it meant I could no longer have any needs and she said it doesn't mean that at all - it's just about learning to share the roles between you more and being more adult in your own feelings - not expecting people to automatically know what to do, but to be able to tell each other how you are feeling, ask them for what you need and also if you can't get it, knowing that you will be okay and stuff like that - all a bit much to remember to write properly here right now.

I admitted to her that I felt scared - that it all felt hopeless - that I felt so guilty for everything - she told me that I shouldn't feel guilty, I didn't know what I was doing and also told me that we both played our parts in this, it wasn't more my fault than his. It was just that we were both getting our needs met in a maladaptive way which lead to cycles of resentment which played out in a persecutory way - I hope this makes sense, its hard to digest overnight I think.  She said that all was not lost if my boyfriend was happy to try and sort this out too and she also said that this often happens when one partner has therapy because they start to change and want to pull away from their "role" - mine having been "the victim" and his "the rescuer". She explained to me that he basically dealt with all of my needs instead of his own because he has learnt to disown his own needs... I felt sad for him.  She said that I would do because as you learn to get empathy for ourselves in therapy, we are able to have more for other people. 

We then spoke about my boyfriend's dad/family - we think we have understood why he doesn't like to express his own needs and feelings due to patterns in his dad and his grandparent's relationships. That was something I need to digest further and plan to speak to my boyfriend about. She repeated that she thinks therapy would really help him, I agreed but said I can't see him ever doing it.

I left feeling better although very tired. I actually missed my exit off the a-road on the way home so I must have been deep in thought or maybe a little dissociated or something... I got home, watch tele for 30 minutes and then we went to bed. I felt like my boyfriend was particularly quiet when I got home, he didn't really speak to me much... I wasn't sure whether I was being paranoid or whether perhaps I had picked up on his nervousness about what I might have dealt with /learnt in therapy. I had cried a lot and I think it was quite obvious from my face (it stays red and blotchy for hours) but he didn't say anything.  I remembered that I shouldn't be expecting him to mind-read so unless I had something I wanted to tell him or ask him for, I didn't need to think on it much more.  I am trying.

I went to sleep early and woke up this morning from a very odd dream.  I had gone travelling to Thailand. I was laying around with a group of people, feeling very happy. I was sitting next to a tall man.  For some reason I think his name was Graham but I'm not sure if I've just added that since I woke up LOL!! In the dream, me and Graham were chatting for hours and then I realised that maybe we were flirting with each other - we started to exchange smiles as if we knew we liked each other. We joked about the fact we were both wearing the same dressing-gown! pink ones.... his was only slightly different with some sort of logo or picture on the breast pocket.... we ended up kissing and later in the dream we slept together.  He was very tall (I am very small).  I remember feeling in the dream that I was so happy I had come travelling and said that I had been bored of my life work and my job and now I felt alive.  Suddenly something happened to the man and the sea swept him up - I thought he was dead.  I was crying.  I crawled along the floor to my room but I had splinters in my feet.  Later in the dream, I saw his body on a hospital trolley type thing. Later he came to find me, somehow he had survived!! I was so happy.

I can normally analyse my dreams quite well, but I haven't done that yet so I will do that soon.

Twink. 

Hey sanmagic,

Firstly, thank you for your post. I've just read it this morning and your last sentence nearly made me cry - in a nice way. I could feel the understanding and empathy coming off of the page, so thank you.

I had my session last night which I will post about in a bit, you are right though - being vulnerable clearly covers me in shame and I am definitely struggling with that at the moment. I guess at the point of being in such pain, the need for connection or something wins and then is shortly followed by the "shame storm!". 

I will write shortly with what happened last night. Thanks!! x

Another note, I wanted to get this down on paper (kinda) before I forgot as I think it's something I need to give a bit more thought.

My mother said the other night, to me and a friend, that she has made ALL of her boyfriends/husbands cry.  She said this will a huge sense of proudness. She was smiling and nodding and very "damn right" about it all.... me and her friend said that isn't something to be proud of and why did she like the fact she had reduced grown men to tears? she said that words are cheap and that seeing them physically cry made her feel like she had got through to them and that they meant what they  said etc...

It just reconfirmed something that me and my T had spoken about before - about her NPD and her need to control and have power over men.  How she sees them as weak... yet she has been the victim of physical abuse from 2 men over the years....

It feels like I knew she liked my tears too much - like she liked the power too much and that's why I have been unable to really cry over her. In a weird way it's like I never wanted to give her the satisfaction. My T asked whether I felt uncomfortable crying to her because it made me feel she was enjoying watching me in pain and I said that it just reminded me of how my mum used to just sit and watch and could never comfort me or anything - now I am thinking maybe she did enjoy it - seeing someone "broken" and "weak"... 

I was about to start a post pretty much identical to this one... I am in that same place again.

I feel anxious about my session tonight because I sent her another really desperate and vulnerable and needy email last Friday and now it has dispersed... I have to see her tonight, I feel ashamed and embarrassed about that - I don't want her to make me feel back there because it was horrible and I am now better....

Oh I hate this feeling.

It's Tuesday 7th Feb and I am at work... it's not quite 10am but I thought I would check in as it's been a while. I am in a very different mind-set today than I was when I wrote previously on February the 3rd.. I think that must have been Friday, the day after my last therapy session and I was in a panic. I think reading/looking back that perhaps I was in touch with my abandonment fear or something because everything felt petrifying and I was choking back tears as I typed that entry... I felt very scared and unsettled and panicky... today however, I feel the total opposite and I always struggle with not shaming myself for having been in a state like that.  On top of that I struggle with shaming myself because I emailed a note to my Therapist which she will have printed out for us to discuss tonight - she might make me read it to her and I really don't want to for two reasons. 1) I feel ashamed and embarrassed and 2) I don't want to "go back" there - I now feel re-connected with my boyfriend and I feel settled and calm and happy and I really don't want to stir up all those horrible feelings again. I had told therapist when I saw her last (last Thursday) that I sometimes send her stuff when I am really "in" the moment and then feel very embarrassed that when I see her next, I wish I hadn't sent her anything and I find it really awkward and embarrassing - so she now knows this and I can't really pretend I don't or hide behind it.

Also, recently she mentioned that I hadn't read my very angry email about my mum and I admitted that I knew we hadn't and that I was relieved.  She asked me why and I said the above really, that I find it embarrassing after I've calmed down - problem is, now she knows that I worry she will push it more... does any of that make sense? Perhaps I should be email her today and admit that I feel a bit apprehensive about coming tonight and that I'm feeling those fears so that she can be delicate.. not that she is ever not delicate.. but on the other hand I think perhaps I need to just go and discuss it with her... hmmm...I can't really decide. What will I benefit from telling her up front? I guess it puts her on notice and saves me actually having to tell her.. so maybe I am being a bit of a coward. I need to think on this one.

Friday night I went straight from the station after work to do the food shop. In all honestly I decided to do this so that I didn't have to go straight home to my stepkids, it meant I could mooch around the food shop for an hour or so and by the time I got home and put the shopping away, the youngest 2 would be shortly going to bed (only because of having rowed with my boyfriend the last few days and then how I felt on Friday) but when I was in the shop, my boyfriend and his 3 kids turned up to surprise me... I wasn't particularly happy about it but I knew that the thought was there and so I pretended I was.  My boyfriend said he was trying to prove he had listened at what I had said and didn't expect me to do everything on my own - that we would share the chores more etc....

Saturday evening we had a nice meal together and Sunday we went to a new town and walked around the shops and it was nice. We had a lovely time together, we joked and we chatted and it was all fun and light-hearted and exactly what we needed following everything that had gone on earlier in the week.  We are not totally back to normal and I guess I am scared of what I will learn at therapy tonight because I don't want to shake it all up again..... 

Equally, of course, I can't and don't REALLY want to pretend that I haven't learnt what my therapist taught me about this relationship triangle situation.. I do want to sort it so that we have a more authentic and healthy relationship - but I am scared about it all I guess.

All in all though, I feel pretty content, quite happy and stable in myself. I just hope that tonight doesn't change that too much.

 

It is hugely eye-opening for me that my whole life, all of my relationships, I've attracted men that might "look after me" and have automatically fallen into the "victim" role - without realising... then they get fed up with their role, or I do, and it goes wrong and ends - I had no idea.  Recognising that pattern is very insightful but * at the same time.  I feel ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, weak.... Stupid.

I was looking for stuff in my boyfriends that no adult can give me – unconditional love – protection – safety of never being abandoned etc.  I have basically been searching for a mother/father role haven't I?  In boyfriends?

I need to learn not to try and seek that stuff from boyfriends.... I need to not expect or want my boyfriend to mind-read or fix me when I am down.  I guess I need to deal with my counselling stuff with T and not bring that home - it clearly doesn't help the dynamic.

Being "looked after" is a parent/child thing - not a relationship thing.  Perhaps that is why the sex life took a tumble.... I mean, who wants to have sex with their child!! Perhaps that also explains the lack of romance and the lack of effort in keeping the "relationship" alive... because the relationship has turned into purely rescuer/victim stuff....... There hasn't been room for romance? Isn't that sad? I feel very upset about that. 

I feel stupid really because I thought I had finally found a relationship that was entirely different. I thought it was just the men that I was picking that were wrong for me, I hadn't realised it wasn't that I was just picking the wrong men – I've been entering into this triangle thing every time, even with my boyfriend . I thought boyfriend was the "hero" that came along and made it all better – and that is entirely the problem.

I feel scared that now this has come out into the open that we won't be able to tolerate it. What if we can't fix it? What if boyfriend is put off completely and can't see me any differently after "seeing" it?

I feel ashamed that I've done this – that I've let this happen. What if I do lose him ... is our love strong enough for us to climb out of this triangle together and still be okay? I've spent the last 3 years feeling so sure I have finally found "the one". Someone that I feel safe with, secure with, someone I don't worry about cheating on me or leaving me – someone that "gets me", encourages me and supports me. Having someone that understands all that I do in my counselling and can be there for me when I am going through tough times without judgment..  and now I realise we've been in these roles, does that mean none of it was real?

He said a while ago, "God, being the rescuer is tiring.  Can I be vulnerable for a while?" and I feel panic all over me that he has admitted he is tired of his role ... he was resenting me and I didn't even know. How blind have I been?

How do we turn this around? I know the fact we've been able to identify our roles in this is a great start... but now what happens? How do you change the only dynamic you've ever known in each other.. in the relationship... how do I stop that need of mine to be looked after and protected when its clearly been automatic and unconscious desire all this time? My entire life? How do I get that need met elsewhere – or put it to bed... to stop it ruining another relationship. It wouldn't have mattered who I met if I had that need, I guess.........

I assume that I met boyfriend and he was attracted to my vulnerability because it was less threatening to him than his ex wife was... he didn't feel needed or loved or appreciated by his ex-wife and he met me and I was sending out signals left, right and centre that I needed him and I would be grateful – that was the pull. He sent me signals that he would be caring, stable and give me unconditional love and that was my pull... our roles in the triangle were born there and then. We just had no idea. I remember reading this article a long while ago and being too afraid to show him. I was afraid that if he read it, realised it was true that he would leave. And now he has read it, I feel the same.

I know logically it isn't just my fault. It is both of our issues that have allowed for it to happen and I know that I am working on myself in counselling so I am doing the best I can do, but I do feel extremely worried and upset right now that maybe now we've realised, it can't ever be hidden again. I can't bear to think that we might not be "real".

I've realised that me and my boyfriend are currently playing the roles of "rescuer" and "victim" - then both "persecutor" at times - we are totally following the Karpman's triangle/relationship triangle to a tee -

Begin by imagining or drawing an upside down triangle (Do it now, it will help). At the top are two letter, P on the left had side, R on the right. At the bottom, the tip of the triangle is the letter V.
The triangle represents the relationship between two people. The P, R, and V represent different roles that the people can play; it is not the people themselves, but a role. The roles interlock and there is always someone on top who seems to have more power, and someone on the bottom. The relationship moves about in a circle as follows:
The person is the R position is the rescuer. The person in that role essentially has "nice guy" control. He hooks into the V or victim. The person in that role feels overwhelmed at times. He feels that problems are falling down on his head. The rescuer steps in and says, "I can help you out. Just do what I say, everything will be fine." Often times couples will begin their relationship in some form of this. They psychologically cut a deal: The rescuer says that I will agree to be big, strong, good and nice; the victim says I will agree to be overwhelmed and unable
to manage. Everyone is happy. The rescuer feels needed, important and in charge. The victim has someone to take care of him.
And it works fine, except every once in a while one of two things happens. Sometimes the rescuer gets tired of doing it all. He feels like he is shouldering all the responsibilities and that the other is not pulling his weight, not giving anything back, not appreciating what the rescuer is doing. The rescuer gets fed up, angry, resentful. Bam! He shifts over to the P, the persecutor role. He suddenly blows up - usually about something minor - laundry, who didn't take out the trash - or acts out - go out a spends a lot of money, goes on a drinking binge, has an affair. He feels he deserves it, look, after all, he says to himself, at what I've been putting up with. The message underneath the behavior and anger that usually does not come out very clearly is: "Why don't you grow up! Why don't you take some responsibility! Why do I have to do everything around here! Why don't you appreciate what I am doing for you! This is unfair!" The feeling of unfair is a strong one.
At that point the victim gets scared and moves up to the R position, tries to make up and calm the waters. "I'm sorry," he says. "I didn't realize. I really do appreciate what you do. I'll do better." Then the persecutor feels bad about whatever he did or said and goes down to the victim position and gets depressed. Then they both stabilize and go back to their original positions.
The other thing that happens sometimes is the victim gets tired of being the victim. He gets tired of the other one always running the show, always telling him what to do. He gets tired of being looked down on because the rescuer is basically saying, "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't make it." Everyone once in a while the victim gets fed up and Bam, moves to the persecutor role. Like the rescuer, the victim in this role blows up and gets angry usually about something small, or acts out.
The message underneath that doesn't get said is Why don't you get off my back! Leave me alone, stop controlling my life! Back off, I can do things myself! The rescuer hears this and moves to the victim position. He says to himself, "Poor me, every time I try to help, look what I get." The persecutor then feels bad about whatever he did or said and goes to the rescuer position and says something like, "I was stressed out, off my meds, tired from the kids. I'm sorry." And then they make up and go back to where they originally were.
While everyone gets to move among all the roles, often one will fit more comfortably in one role more than another. This has to do with personality, upbringing, and learned ways of coping. The rescuer as a child was often an only child, oldest, or grew up in a chaotic family. He usually did not have many buffers between him and his parents, and learned early on that he could avoid getting in trouble and avoid conflict by being good: "If I can stay on my toes and just do what my parents (and teacher) wants me to do all the time, I won't get in any hot water."
This type of person learns to be very sensitive to others as a means of survival. He develops good radar and can pick up the nuances of emotions. He is hyperalert, spends all his energy surveying the environment, stays on his toes, ever ready to do what the parents want. Essentially he takes the position of "I'm happy if you're happy, and I need to make sure you are happy." He gets rewarded for being good and his head is filled with shoulds.
What works for the child, however, doesn't necessarily work so well for the adult. Now the world is bigger. Rather than just two or three important people to pay attention to, the rescuer adult has many more - the boss, the IRS, the President of the local Rotary Club or VFW. He now feels pulled in a lot of directions, stretched thin, as he scrambles to accommodate what he thinks others want from him. He easily feels like a martyr, he is always at risk of burnout.
He also has a hard time knowing what he wants. Because he spent so much of his energy as a child looking outward and doing what others wanted, he never had the opportunity to sit back and decide what he wanted. Wanting, unlike following shoulds and rules, is a feeling, and he is often not aware of what he is feeling. As an adult if you ask him "But what do you want?" he hesitates and gets stuck. He worries about making the right decision, about not offending anyone in his life or the critical voice in his head.
He also has a hard time with anger and conflict (which is why he became good in the first place) and tends to stuff anger down until he gets fed up and begins to gag on it. Then he blows up, and because he is so uncomfortable with and it creates so much drama, he feels like his worst dream has come true. He feels guilty, and shoves it all back down again, only to have it build up again.
The victim, in contrast, was as a child was often the youngest in the family, was over-protected as child by parents or had older siblings who stepped in and took over all the time when he was stuck with a problem. What he missed in growing up were opportunities to develop the self confidence that comes from learning to manage problems on your own. Now, as an adult, he easily gets overwhelmed, feels unconfident, anxious. To handle these feelings he looks to the rescuer who takes over and helps him feel better.
The persecutor as a type is the evil twin of the rescuer. Whereas the rescuer controls by being good and nice, and persecutor is angry, critical, and blaming. This is the abuser, and obviously some couples start with this persecutor - victim relationship, playing out childhood models and roles. The persecutor learned early on that when I get scared I get tough. If I can negatively control everything going on around me, no one can sneak up behind me and get me.
Now imagine or draw two A's next to each other with a line drawn between them (Go ahead, do it, it will help). The A stands for adult. This person is not in a role, is more complete, proactive rather than reactive, self-responsible rather than blaming, and is outside the triangle. Adults are peers; they are on the same level in terms of power. This is where you want to be.
The adult says, "I'm responsible for what I think, do, say. If something bothers me, it is my problem. If you can do something to help me with my problem, I need to tell you, because you can't read my mind. If you decide not to help me, I'll need to decide what I'm going to do next to fix my problem. Similarly, if something bothers you, it is your problem. If there is something I can do to help you with your problem, you need to tell me. And if I decide not to help you with your problem, you can work it out. You may not handle it the way I might, but you can do it. I don't need to take over."
Two of the problems the rescuer and victim have in their relationship is that they do expect a lot of mindreading - you should know what is going on or how to help without my having to say so - and then feel frustrated or disappointed or angry when the other does not. They also have distorted sense of responsibility: The rescuer tends to be over-responsible - your problems are my problems, I'm happy if you are happy, and it is my job to make sure you are happy. In the attempt to "make" the victim happy, the victim over time begins to feel pressure and control, which sets up the explosion. Similarly, the victim tends to be under-responsible - my problems are your problems - I expect you to fix them, and I either have to wait or manipulate you into doing so.
The adults, in contrast, are clear about who has the problem. This is represented by the vertical line running between them. If you feel it, it's yours. This is a key concept, one invaluable for couples to understand and incorporate. By being aware of who has the problem, the individuals can avoid the defensiveness, anxiety, control, and manipulation of couples caught in the triangle.
They also can be more intimate. The problem the rescuer and victim face in their relationship is that the roles, which is not the people themselves but only parts of them, keep them stuck. The rescuer cannot let down his guard, or get too vulnerable because he is afraid that the victim will not be able to handle it. Similarly, the victim cannot ever get too strong because the rescuer will feel threatened and out of job. The long line between the victim and rescuer is real. It represents the emotional distance between them.
The adults don't have this problem. Both can be responsible, strong, and yet honest and vulnerable. They can take risks, are not locked in roles, and hence, can be more open and intimate.
Two people can obviously be in this pattern for a long time - seemingly getting along, suddenly having some acting out or emotional explosion, making up, returning to their roles, and repeating the pattern over and over again. Sometimes, particularly for the rescuer, will continue until he eventually drops from the weight of it all - he gets a heart attack or has some psychological breakdown, and everyone is surprised and afraid. What can also happen over time, and what often brings the couple into therapy, is that one person is either tired of going around the cycle, or begins to outgrow the role he is in. Like any other pattern it takes two to play the game and as soon as one person begins to move towards the adult, the other gets scared and tries to pull him back in to keep it going.
For example, you may have a rescuer who gets tired of mopping up all the time and starts to pull away and better define boundaries and problems. The classic case of this is the codependent of an alcoholic. The wife, for example, begins to attend Alanon meetings and starts to tell her husband, "Jake, I'm not going to call up your boss for you on Monday morning and tell him you are sick. You can call him yourself. I'm not going to pick you up off the front lawn on Saturday night if you get drunk." The wife is stepping out of the triangle and if Jake got drunk before, he is going to rip-roaring drunk to get try and hook his wife back in. If that doesn't work, Jake is likely to switch to one of the other roles: He may shift to the persecutor, get angry, and threaten divorce and custody of the kids or cut off money; he may get nice, tell her how he is going to start going to AA meetings to appease her and bring her back.
Similarly, if the victim moves to the adult position, the rescuer feels threatened. This is often seen in empty nest stage of marriage. The husband has been more or less been in charge - making most of the big decisions, financially supporting the family - and the kids begin to leave home. The wife starts to say something like "You know, Bill, I'm thinking of maybe going back to school. I never finished my degree because I stayed home with the kids, and now is a good time to do it. Maybe I'll go back into full time work. I think I'd like to get my own checking and saving account so I can have my own money and be more independent."
While Bill knows what to do when his wife is in the one-down position, he doesn't know what to do when she shifts. Generally the first thing Bill will instinctively do is be nice but try and talk his wife out of the changes: "Why do you want to go back to school now? You're 45 years old. What are you going to be able to do with a degree? It will cost us 30 grand for tuition, for what? You don't need to get a full time job. This is a time to take it easy. We don't need another checking account. It cost $10 a month in fees that we don't need to spend." Stay put is the message. If that doesn't work, Bill may shift to the persecutor role and get angry - "If you want to go to school, you find a way to pay for it. We're not taking it out of our retirement." Or Bill will move to the victim position, get depressed so his wife needs to stay home and take care of him.
Finally, you easily see this dynamic is abusive relationships. If the victim of a persecutor-victim relationship decides to move out of the triangle or out of the relationship and not be a punching bag anymore, the first thing the persecutor will do is more of the same. If he was angry, he is now going to get explosive. He will stalk her, hunt her down, emotionally abuse her or beat her up. If that doesn't work, he may get nice. He will be calling you up for anger management and ask if you could call up his wife or girlfriend and tell her that he called about therapy, then not follow through. If that doesn't work, he may get depressed, even threaten to kill himself so she will come back into the relationship.
If all the jockeying around doesn't work, the person left behind has one of two choices. He may end the relationship and find someone else to play the corresponding role, someone else to control, someone else to take care of them. Of the person left behind can move towards the adult position too.
The challenges of both partners moving to the adult position are several. The natural feeling of the one left behind is that if you care, you'll stay in the triangle. If they both move, the partners need to develop new ways of showing that they care for each other. There will be a period of transition while these new ways are being created, and the new ways will not, at least for awhile, feel as good as the old ways. There are also the challenges of learning new skills, especially for the one feeling left behind.
The reason the triangle is so strong and works is because the roles are complementary. Each sees in the other what he is unable to see in himself. The rescuer, for example, is not as nice or strong as he thinks, but sees his vulnerability and anger in the victim and persecutor. The victim is not as weak as he thinks, but projects his strength and anger onto the rescuer and persecutor. The persecutor is not as tough as he thinks but only sees his weakness and goodness in the victim and rescuer.
To be successful the each must learn to recognize and incorporate what has been left out. The rescuer needs to learn to recognize his wants, and take the risk of not being good and overresponsible. He needs to learn how to recognize his anger and then use it as for information about what he wants. He needs to experiment with letting go of control, and resist the impulse to fix his own anxiety by taking over when the other is struggling. He needs to learn how to let down his guard, so he can learn to trust and be vulnerable, and nurture in a genuine caring way, rather than out of fear and the need for control.
Similarly, the victim needs to build up his self confidence - by taking risks and doing things on his own, by using the rescuer not as a rescuer but a support. He needs to learn how to partialize problems so he doesn't feel so overwhelmed. Like the rescuer he needs to tap into his anger and use it to better define his boundaries and wants.
The relationship triangle gives you a way of conceptualizing the dynamics of a relationship.
See where you fit.

http://psychoanalyticmuse.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/winnicott-interaction-of-past-and.html?m=1

Xx

I've just read this - I am feeling your fear and sadness :-( I'm sad for you. I'm about to drive so will reply properly later but I wanted to say one quick thing that often helps me -

Try and remember the thing you are scared of - the fear of breakdown etc - it's already happened.

You are now recovering. We fear the things that have already happened to us - you're feeling things from before that you suppressed or denied so you will survive because you already have!! Xx

Funnily enough "all over the place" is how I feel hahaha x

Ah, dreams are powerful things. I've had horrible dreams lately so I know the feeling they leave you with. Body sensations, moods, tears, its horrible... on the plus side (if you can call it that), it does prove that things are being worked through in your head.  As my Therapist would say, "be kind to yourself" and try and write the feelings out to help you understand them.

Thinking of you. 

It is 1st Feb today. Thank God January is over at last, it felt like the longest month ever!

So, I had t last night. She had printed out my email to her on Monday about my horrible dream where I woke up crying, and the dream with my abuser in... we spoke about the meaning of the dream that I woke up crying from - she said that I had really got in touch with the sadness of my mother not being attuned to me. I told her that in the dream I had my cheek resting on a huge stack of colourful and soft towels and flannels - we thought this symbolised comfort (I thinks he said something else too but I've forgotten what? how annoying).  I said that in the dream, T kicked me out very suddenly whilst I was still crying and I was left alone and that later in the dream, she had grabbed my arm to help me (down a step or slope or something) and that I had flung her off of me and shouted "don't touch me!!!" - I then felt instantly guilty and ashamed but she didn't seem particularly phased.  T asked me what I thought this was about and I said I wasn't sure, maybe anger? She said she thinks it is all to do with my fears of bringing my sadness/tears to her - my worries that she will not be attuned, that she will just send me packing and not help me etc.  I agreed. 

I told her all about my arguments with my boyfriend. I said how I felt awful on Monday and that I had cried a lot of the day, felt very moody and sad and that the only way I could think of describing my feelings were to say I felt totally disconnected from him, from anyone actually and that it was horrible. 

She explained to me that when you are a child, it isn't the rupture that can cause the damage, it is the lack of re-attunement or re-connecting.  She said she thinks that I was quite regressed to a child place and feeling how I might have felt when I was younger at the lack of connection and re-connection. I agreed and then got quite upset. I heard her say "it's okay" so she must have noticed I was welling up, I did then cry, but not a big cry, just slow, silent tears. 

We then spoke about the argument me and my boyfriend had - she did say she felt he had been triggered by something himself and that it wasn't "all me" which was a relief because I didn't think it was but I guess my "go-to" place is to assume it's all my fault. She said that probably comes from being young, if my mum was raging or whatever, I would assume I had upset her - and I would get the blame one way or another so I guess I soaked that in. 

We spoke about how I'm feeling a bit under-appreciated by him at the moment and she said that it felt like he was responding to me quite passively and that we were just "missing" each other and not understanding one another much at the moment.

I told her that I miss having friends and people to go out with because then I didn't feel so resentful just looking after his children every weekend after working all week - and dealing with the therapy stuff which as you guys probably know, is tough enough.

I said I was worried I had become too much for him. I said I was scared that my upsets/moods/crying and stuff had got too much for him and he hated me for it.  I got teary about that.

She suggested that I tried to re-connect with some old friends and arranged some evenings/nights out to prove to boyfriend that I'm not just there as convenience. I said I wanted to do that but was worried that was ME being passive.... she said it wasn't.  So I am thinking about making some plans and trying to reconnect with some people. I really feel I need a good night out. I need to go out and blow off some steam, it's just a shame that my friend I used to meet with once a month or so, who was good fun was also a narcissist just like my mother and we fell out in August when I put a stop to her abusive behaviour and insults/attacks..... I miss parts of her but I know it is for the best that I don't see her anymore.  People keep suggesting I join a club or class but that isn't what I want.  Life changes I guess...

I told her that my biggest fear is that if me and boyfriend split (which despite this argument is completely unfounded and irrational) I would be totally alone - she told me not to scare myself like that. But it is true. I no longer have (narcissist) friend and I am pulling away from my NPD mother as much as possible because she is bad news..... friends have all gone on to get married and have kids... I would lose my boyfriend, stepkids and in-laws all in one go.. agh...

Anyway, I left feeling better than when I went in. I still don't feel properly connected to boyfriend but I feel less insecure that it's all my doing which is something I guess.  I've asked an older friend at work if she would like a quick drink after work, she has said yes so it's a start. x

Hey Tenacious, thank you for your empathy and the hug!! Always love a virtual hug.  I am sorry that it resonated with you, it is tough hey.  I wrote her another one recently, but that one is MUCH more shouty/sweary so didn't think I should post it!!