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I do feel good about the decorating work yesterday. It does add up in a good way. One day's work here, another there, etc.

thank you. Pretty much everything you said is right on the money. Grieving for what I wished could have been. For what I'd seen in a million films and tv shows and even a few other peoples lives. Feeling vulnerable at that moment, definitely.  Its such a painful thing and I wish you well in your process too.



Last night was very emotional for me. I think that I got to another level of realising what cant be. It still scares me to think it will probably end badly. I mean, in terms of relations with my FOO. I think a part of me still harbours some hope of some type of change once one of my parents passes. But in reality, I know theyll just withdraw ever tighter into their circle of madness, enabling and codependency.

Its so hard to imagine building your own life when youre starting with so little, and so little tools and knowledge. I have begun though. I can even look back on some memories of experiences I created, that are mine, and mine alone. Nothing to do with them. Some happy memories.

Its such a slow process, and I still dont think Ive processed the raw pain and anger still. But I know it exists, im not denying it, I understand the warning signs and how to begin to care for myself when things are too much.

I've too far to go for my liking. Then again, Im closer then I've been before, is another way to look at it. And *I* did this. Me. Not them. I know the courage and strength and work and sacrifice and bravery it took to get where I am, and how hard won all this has been for me.

Today, or at least, these past few hours, I've felt anger at my mother for what she did. Fury.

I've partly been processing and switching off by continuing the ongoing decoration of my place. Im covered in paint at the moment, about to finish the clearing up for the day. But I am proud I did it,

God yesterday was overwhelming. Tried a therapist just as a placeholder really, just to be able to unload for a bit until I have enough strength to properly continue the search. I think maybe I went a bit too far though in terms of going into really deep and painful feelings, and forgetting to pace myself, I came out exhausted, and physically too, after cycling there which was a fair distance.

I felt tired, emotional, and raw, which wasnt too bad, but then after crossing the road, I unexpectedly found myself standing overlooking a park and childrens play area-and it suddenly occurred to me that this was one of the main places I was taken as a kid by a parent I have no contact with. On a day when I know the rest of the family will be gathering together.

It tears me apart. It really hurts. At the time I just had to briefly soothe myself and tell myself I'd have to shut off emotionally for the time being as I still had to cycle back, and didnt want to break down and cry in public.

I just dont know how it crept up on me though. I guess when I arrived I was too busy to notice, too preoccupied with locating the therapists house and so on. Then when I left I was emotionally exhausted and raw.

God it really takes me back though, and hurts so much. I loved her so much, and I miss her so much in some ways. And on days like today its really painful. Im tearing up as I write this.

Its so strange to have a part of me still pure like that boy I was, still loving his parent so much, still so tearful and upset and not really able to see a bad side with her, whilst at the same time, the other part of me knows, through hindsight, experience and growth how the way I was treated was so, so bad.

I guess its human to love, right? Every boy is going to love its parents to some degree because it doesnt know any different, right?

Its just so hard to reconcile those different parts of me now. To bring those two parts together. I felt like I had just been told she had died yesterday as I stood there, looking out on the ghosts of us in that playground.

The sad truth of it is, I dont know that she ever actually even played with me there. Just told me to go play while she sat there doing nothing. I remember being thirsty as anything as it was often in the middle of summer, and she never brought any water or liquid for me, and there were no taps there. Four hours plus in the summer heat just desperately wanting some water, and being made to feel guilty for asking. Seeing other kids around me with bottles of water or soft drinks. I was so exhausted and tired, and just wanted to be out of the heat and go home. It was horrible.

So why when I stood there yesterday do I feel such a pain and a longing to be back then?

o, sweetie, i wish there was more i could do to help smooth things for you.  sounds awful. 

just letting you know that you're heard, respected, and supported with all you're going thru.  i can only hope and wish that it's over quickly and you get what you need.  love and a warm hug to you.

Thank you. It made me feel warm inside to read this.

Feel weird right now. Very horrible underneath. Been rushing round like crazy doing things to avoid what I feel.

What I know; I managed to go to a kind of support group thing earlier, though was in two minds. Feeling I 'should' go rather than wanting to. But then again I feel lonely, and there are no more groups this or next week due to Easter break.

I got something out of it I think-maybe just being around people a bit, I dont know. But at the end, the part I always dread, the part where there's no structure and its about socialising, or not. Thats the hard thing for me. I thought I'd just hang around briefly, see if anyone near me was interested in talking. I didnt feel able to make the first move, but if someone had been nearby and facing near me I would have made some small talk and seen where it went.

But it just seemed like the moment the group finished, everybody turned to everyone else and were deep in conversation and I was really left out.

There was also a girl I really felt a strong pull towards, which maybe wouldnt have been a good idea, but anyway... and it hurt to feel rejected by her. God it hurt a lot. She was amazing, and I have no idea why.

OK, I get its probably related to how bad Im feeling, but I just feel pained by the whole thing.

I find it so hard to be myself and am afraid that if I am, people like her just wouldnt give me a second glance. It used to be different, but then, I used to not 'be myself' at all, and was always 'on', always performing, etc. Problem is, it worked so well. But it meant that it wasnt sustainable as it was so tiring to always try to be entertaining, funny, interesting, etc.

Now im trying to just be with how I feel, and the result seems I dont get a second look. Ah frik. I hope this changes with time.

Its just so hard lately, as I feel so exhausted. Yesterday especially was kind of shocking how I felt so physically ill almost. So heavy, just because I felt so tired and stressed.

I feel I need hope and support to give me energy to continue with the search for a new therapist, yet I also feel I need a therapist to give me some hope and support! Its catch 22. And I feel really stuck and fearful as a result.

I really hope that just with some rest maybe I'll get some energy return and be able to continue. Having said that I face yet another problem right now, which is that, since its the holidays, most shrinks are away themselves, so my search is going to be stuck for a further couple of weeks-and I dont have anyone. Im apprehensive and scared about that, as I've already been under such stress and on my own for so long now and feel I cant take much more without the bedrock of a therapist.

Maybe if I had more confidence in my ability to self soothe that might be different. I dont know. I just feel sad at the situation, and its times like these I wonder if its me, and if theres just something about me, almost physically, that scares people off or repulses them or something.

Thank goodness, I finished the appeal process. Up to 6 week wait now to hear whether has to go to tribunal or is found in my favour.

Felt pretty good for couple days, just relief, but today the realities of the rest of my life are coming back to me; specifically the issue of trying to find a therapist who can help me. And im scared. Scared there's no one out there.

I dont know, I just feel really worried today. First day getting back on that particular horse for two weeks, but im just worried im deluding myself, and that a therapist cant help. Heck, maybe thats not true. Ive been partially helped before.

I just feel so scared and alone and in need of love and support right now and have none. Maybe the search will feel a bit easier in a few days. Apprehension is something else im feeling.

Im scared of a lot of things today. Scared of it turning to summer, and hearing and seeing everybody laughing and having a great time with friends and things, on the beaches, enjoying each others company-and that I'll still be alone, still be stuck indoors, afraid and alone.   

This benefits appeal is absolutely killing me, alongside not having a therapist sorted. What do I wake up to today? Car alarm by my house and a notification of council tax increasing by a factor of three due to government cuts, with a bill wanting the money today.

I go to bed in absolute dread and sadness, have nightmares, and wake exhausted in anxiety. Then spend the day with a knot in my stomach wishing I could focus on other things like arranging a new therapist or finish the badly needed decorating of my place. Or have the energy to go to a support group, which I havent been able to do since the benefit saga began nearly a month ago.

This is just pure evil treating people this way. They cant do it. it sickens me how so few people bother to even look and see how awful it is and instead get hung up on stupid fake news stories instead.

thank you both. I hope you feel better soon also and get more strength.

Its 1.30am my time, and Im transcribing the benefits assessment interview I had to prove I said the things they happened to 'omit' from the review.

This. Is. Not. Fun.

I'd stop but the appeal date is due, and I know tomorrow I'll not have the energy after the alarms and all that stuff.

I keep telling myself that though this is horrible, it'll get the benefits office off my back for a long time, so its not always going to be this hard, and its energy invested that will pay off.

I may forget that tomorrow morning after having had just four hours sleep...(!) 

Anyway, I really do thank you. Its honestly soothing to know this thread is here. Just knowing theres people like you out there, and that you understand and care, helps me.

I'd just stopped for a quick break, and checked this thread, and its helped give me more energy to get through this!

Grrr. Angry right now. Neighbour went ahead and arranged a fire alarm test without seeing when im free or would be convenient. Found out third hand and let her know would not be convenient at all but was free soon. No reply. Contacted her again. No reply.

Assumed was sorted. Then get last minute email says all alarms will sound for an hour at 9am tomorrow. The alarms here are deafening and literally trigger my fight or flight response and adrenaline. I have insomnia and only get to sleep about 5am ish lately.

Great. And worse. They were going to use a key to let them in to the flat because she hadnt even told them I was not available and not okay for them not to.

I texted her again saying I was very unhappy about this and should haven been consulted. She was just incredibly passive aggressive, tried to talk over me a lot and pretty patronizing. I restated It was only reasonable she should have consulted me.

She already scheduled then cancelled a test at the last minute. Unfortunately she is in charge of it due to reasons beyond my control regarding a board of owners association.

Flipping heck, I was already very stressed today.  Arrrrrghhh!!!!

its so awful isnt it? I know theres suffering in the world, and I know I cant stop it. But its so painful when its something you care about and its right in front of you. I used to always put myself second, but as you say, I learned the hard way that we must put ourselves first when it has such an impact on us.

I guess that for me it just touched a raw nerve right when I already felt very raw.

I've had quite a cry since my last post-not just about yesterday, I know it touched on other issues- and came to the decision today that I must do...absolutely nothing. I am struggling with it, but am doing my best to just go where I want today, metaphorically speaking. And if that means nothing but sitting around, then ok. Or reading. Or whatever.

I couldnt cope with anything else anyway, so I'll just try and at least remove that voice in my head that tells me I should be doing things.

Anyway. I hope you feel ok too. It sounds good you have techniques like thought stopping to help when needed. I made use of stuff like that myself at the time. Here's to better days.

Sun 18th entry for yesterday.

Tried to soothe myself today, take it easy. Thought would be nice to wander round a few charity shops, and needed to pick up a prescription anyway.

Now, some of that was okay. Some of that was not okay (teenage girls literally rolling around on the pavement incoherent with alcohol, at 2pm on a busy street)... and some of it went totally up the proverbial...

As for the girls, when I saw one lying on the pavement my first thought was to go try to help. Until I heard another loudly screech at a passer by to 'eff off, she's just drunk'. This town is going downhill...

Anyway. So, I've been putting off thinking about the next topic since it happened yesterday, and still am not ready to go into it much. But I do feel I need to process the memory a bit.

--TRIGGER WARNING--

(RELATED TO ANIMAL SUFFERING)

Ok. I care deeply (too deeply) about all life. I hate seeing suffering especially. I also happen to like a type of bird that some people around this area dont like, because they can be quite noisy, and cheeky, in that they have been known to steal food out of your hand when you arent looking.

Sadly, there's sometimes roadkill incidents because of traffic here with birds, and with this type, because they take some risks.

But this freaking thing happened JUST AS I HAPPENED TO BE LOOKING AT THE ROAD  right in front of me. And made the most awful, awful noise I dont ever want to think about. But it was after, the flipping poor look on the bird's face. It was just awful, given that from the neck up it was fine and just seemed confused.

The rest of it, I dont even want to think about.

I felt so helpless. A part of me wanted and felt I should do the best thing for it and somehow end it quickly for the poor thing, but I dont think I could ever do that in reality.

Another part of me wanted to try to calm it until the end which would hopefully be soon for it.

But I couldnt stand to look at it.

It shook me and shocked me so much I just had to turn and head off down a quiet side street and try to calm myself. I wanted to cry, wanted to scream in anger, was afraid, upset. And of course was scared people would see I was feeling these things.

I had been about to cross the road to the pharmacy on the other side, but instead found myself taking a long and winding ten minute route instead to avoid going anywhere near that road.

Im glad I managed to soothe myself from that as much as I did, and was able to function for the rest of the time in town, though it also fatigued me later.

But the memory of it is just horrific. I try to tell myself there's loads of those birds, and maybe it was an old one or ill anyway. But its just the noise, and almost making eye contact with the poor, poor thing at the worst moment and the look on its face compared to the rest of its body.

Just awful. Even now I feel like there's a lead brick inside me when I think of it.

I always knew statistically, at some point, I may unfortunately see such a thing. Just didnt expect it to be when I was already feeling so vulnerable and raw.

Unfortunately I feel like all the work I did yesterday to try to relax has been undone as I am exhausted today.

The only good thing was that when it happened, I could see in some other people's faces how they cared and were appalled. Made me think at least that some other people care about things like animal suffering too. Im not a huge person on it, but as I said, I dont like to see anything suffering or treated badly. Unfortunately I also heard some of the vilest comments from other people who said they were glad and good it happened, and other stupid comments like 'cool'. Some people are really sick.

I hope you'll forgive such a long post, but I really needed to get this out. Its been tiring and Im surprised how exhausted I feel now actually.     Boy do I hope today is quieter.

thanks Hope

I do appreciate the hug send as well. Im just trying to rest up now after a bit of a tough day yesterday.

EDIT-Oh gosh! I didnt see the other replies because I didnt notice the page number. Guess I must really have been not with it yesterday!!

THANK YOU so much for the comments and thoughts and more. It makes me emotional (in a good way, and warms my heart). Thank you so much! 

I've just read them all now. I feel soothed to hear my experiences arent unique. Sometimes I fear its all me being over the top about things. I've scrapped next weeks session with the therapist, and am deciding between telling her the one after will be the final one, or to just not go at all. But Im now done with her. I cant keep paying so much money and giving so much time just to get hurt every week so badly.

Im so grateful today for the online hugs and thoughts posted. I feel unnerved today.

Yesterday, emotionally at least, turned into one of the worst days I can remember experiencing. Maybe one of the worst full stop.

I woke up feeling pretty good. For a change had slept ok. No nightmares. No pains. Felt rested. Wanted to do some things in town before the dreaded appointment with the therapist im finishing with. Felt great just walking in the gentle warm winter sun.

Then it was time for the appointment. I just dont know what to say to her anymore. She has hurt me so many times emotionally that I dont want to dare risk letting her in at all. So I prepared a few topics that felt safe-just surface things about stuff. But I guess I was nervous, because after just twenty minutes I'd rattled through all that and had run out of things to say. So Im sitting there, and she's again saying nothing, just staring at me. It was horrible. Really horrible. Just full spotlight on me, total silence. It reminded me of things I associate with some of the deepest trauma memories I have. About twenty minutes of this. Non stop. Agony.

And I knew I couldnt just explain this to her or ask her to do something else because thats the problem with her-she always manages to put her foot in it and then say something worse, do something worse or not understand at all the simplest things.

This may all seem silly-I get how trauma can be personal and this may read like nothing to some people-but it really floored me and tore a hole inside me.

I was in pieces in the evening. So much for feeling good in the morning. So much for a therapist helping. I totally crashed into every single unhealthy coping mechanism I could think of to bury or escape the utterly overwhelming pain and fear. Overdid food. Overdid drink. Overdid other things, overdid, overdid. Overdid. Still it didnt work. Was panicked, Alone. Terrified. Fully triggered. Thought to call Samaritans but just couldnt manage, Thought to post here but just couldnt.

I tried to go to sleep but felt nauseous and was afraid I'd be sick.

It was one of the worst experiences of my life. My future felt hopeless. My past a nightmare. My present, *.

Thank goodness the night has gone, and its the next day now. I dont ever want to go through that again so alone. Its one thing if I feel the threrapist is someone I can trust, or who can judge what I can and cant manage, or who can help me through things. But she just feels inept, clumsy, stupid, and its terrifying to think that THAT is the person handling your most delicate important inner workings.

I want to arrange someone else suitable but this benefits appeal means I am snowed under with other tasks and dont have the time or energy to arrange someone else to see. Thats going to be the case for the next two weeks. My only other option is to just see nobody for that time, but Im scared as Im alone already. Then again, I cant handle the thought of her again. It just gets worse every time with her.

I have called the Samaritans before-I'm not suicidal, ironically if only because I have a fear of death. And they are open to anyone now, even if youre just feeling upset. Anyway-they are sometimes soothing and helpful to talk to for me. So im considering just having a long talk with them next week, and journaling as usual, as well as posting here, and perhaps in the 'difficult day' section if I need to. Hopefully the weather will be okay for a few short walks to the beach too. So Im considering this instead of seeing her (although I do most of it anyway weekly).

But I dont know-theres just something about talking face to face with someone that I see as 'the right thing Im supposed to do'. But I think that was forced on me by my mother. Healthy or not, the way she forced it on me, and the awful consequences, has left me fearful of people, whilst thinking Im somehow 'bad' 'weak' and going to suffer if I dont do more of it, I don't know.

Maybe I need to listen more to my body about whats right for me right at this moment?

Thank you for the replies. it somehow feels reassuring to think there may be some people reading the entries. Thank you DEEPLY for your sympathies posted too.  I really need them today more than ever.

This benefit appeal is killing me. More nightmares about it. Bad depression.  Not looking forward to next couple days either re having to see the therapist im finishing with, then the group on friday. Feel so vulnerable.

woke up in night with such terrible stomach pains. Feared was beginning of heart attack.

I hate this