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monday was extreme up and down. Dreadful in the morning, felt unable to go to the support group due to all the things had to do to sort my benefits appeal. Ive rarely felt so awful. by the evening I felt different due to many complex things.and i realised a lot of things also. i felt good at that time, but was aware it may not last and that today i may feel bad as i have been there before.

today i feel bereft, as though someone has died. i dont know why. i wondered if it was because although part of me wanted to see my dad, i later realised i had come through so much without him, and he wouldnt have helped anyway. maybe my image of him has died a little more today after all this no contact. maybe its that im less worried about the tasks i have to do now so feel slightly at a loose end. i dont know. i do know i feel a lot of old deep pain, very close to the surface today. its too much to deal with today so i wont.

maybe i need time to transition from the panic i was in yesterday to the phase of things now. i dont know. im confused, hurting and want peace-but still feel wary that i need to get on with those tasks in case i made an error. maybe its the being caught between two things that isnt helping also. i wish i felt like i did last night.

feel dread today. Have to write doctors letter to request he provide me with supporting evidence for my benefits appeal. This stuff stresses me out so much but I have  to see him tomorrow. I wish I could have a few days when I didnt have to do things I dread.

I dont want to have to sift through all the paperwork and the points and the worst aspects of how I struggle and so on.

But this is the evil reality of the UK benefits system-making you depressed and stressed in the hope you will give up.

Saturdays entry;

Oh my goodness I feel so weird/raw today. Yesterday was unexpected in that I felt a lot of powerful emotions after seeing the replies to my first entry. I felt some validation in a way I'd never experienced before.

I had a rough nights sleep last night. I feel so tired now. I woke desperately needing and wanting human contact, and also being really scared of the need. Previous experience growing up taught me to be afraid of people, or of needing them. Its scary to today feel different about that.

Part of me wants to go into town and wander about a few shops. Part of me feels its not enough. Part of me feels I need to be getting on with finding a new therapist. And part of me wants to hide away. Another part wants to be around laughter and fun and lightness.

I feel like Spock in a bad episode of star trek where he is given all human emotions at once....

I feel like fifty different people are telling me to do different things at once.

I cant thank you all enough for your comments; reading them has felt validating and been emotional. I posted the first entry thinking nobody would read such a long piece, or that few would comment on it. It was such a wonderful and really moving thing to see your posts. A relief to put it all out there and know in some way im not alone.

Okay. Im nervous about doing this. Thought about it before.
Right, 42 years old, male, got a psychology qualification about 8 years back which opened my eyes, comfirmed to me all the things I thought about the way my family had treated me and the problems I felt in my life.

Began therapy work, had a really bad experience with the first one but I had no understanding of how things worked, and through pushing myself too hard and blind loyalty, and fear of having to face someone new, I stayed on.

After a time I began to realize it couldnt continue, The being lied to by my therapist and so on.

Tried someone else, been with them for a year, but from the start have felt they didnt have the tools needed-but that they were at least kinder and more sincere than the last one. I knew I'd probably have to continue my search though.

And thats where I am at now. Another painful search, another painful realisation that the work with my current therapist is no longer beneficial to me. The previous session I had with her the other week has taken me days of crying and depression to cope with after she put her foot in it and clumsily made a stupid comment right when I had just revealed to her very painful sensitive feelings.

But I dont yet know who I can try next, as its a limited selection where I am due to money, travel time, and there being a LOT of really extreme unregulated kooks in my area.

I've felt generally that *I* am the one who has enabled my greatest progress, not any therapist, via books like those from Pete Walker, journalling, boards like this, and general realisations and experience. Despite all the money, time and energy with therapists, I have never yet found one that felt like they really brought something to the table of huge value.

So the search continues.

As for me, you could call it a common background. My FOO were horrible to me and always treated me notably worse than my siblings. My siblings themselves physically and emotionally bullied me and humiliated me, so I carry a lot of shame. My parents didnt really stop them and often laughed along with them, at key points of my young life, that even to this day, make simple life very hard.

*Physical trigger warning*

I nearly died thanks to an accident that was due to the lack of parental care, neglect meaning that at a young age and at one specific moment, I was again humiliated by my siblings, then abandoned by my mother (the cause of the most excessive behavior to me), then alone, aged just three, had the accident and nearly died. Then had social humiliation when I was rescued by a stranger. And further social humiliation when my mother used the social attention the event got for herself despite it traumatising me.

*sexual boundary trigger warning*

My sister, from a very young age, did inappropriate sexual things to me-not the most extreme things, but any decent parent who had been doing their job would have stopped things.

Worse still-and the most hardest for me to write or even think of at all in any way, motheralso did things that were less extreme, but also physically really inappropriate. I have never known if this happened due to deliberate perversion by her, or whether it was due to utter naivete and stupidity. Or even that it was done to her as a kid so she thought it was normal. But it wasnt. And it has left me feeling very uncomfortable about psychical intimacy and sex.  Sometimes my sister joined in, as a "game". This level of stuff wasnt extreme, but it was clearly still inappropriate, and often left me crying despite trying to physically stop them.

Worse still, I have begun getting some possible returning memories that Im not sure about. Memories involving more game type stuff where I was too young to know any better and may have been taken advantage of in really extreme, clear cut sexual abuse ways by my mother. I dont know of course how much to trust some of those 'memories'. Either way, my childhood was very messed up.

My dad was basically absent, if not physically then emotionally. And all of them treated me like the puppies that get abandoned at christmas. Brief attention in a superficial way when I was smiling, but the moment I stopped being a sweet puppy and happy, I got punished, humiliated, shut out, and abandoned. Shamed for ANY of the many human feelings humans are meant to have. So I struggle now to cope with my emotions.

That was one thing I did get a bit from this last therapist; help with paying more attention to my emotions, and realising they are important. But its still early days for me there.

So-as for now? I cant work because all my past has left me with extreme social anxiety. I currently have no friends as the last couple suddenly abandoned me without giving me a chance to ask why, or explain things, or ask what was wrong. It is possible they had unrequited feelings of love for me, but I had tried discussing that with them before and explaining I just didnt feel the same romantic things back, and just needed a friend. They had both assured me for years that they no longer felt that way, but I dont know.

I go to a couple of things that are sort of support groups. I have tried to find more. But for a straight male of my age in my town, with cptsd, there really is absolutely nothing.

I currently have no contact with my FOO are years of trying. I tried to be 'good' like they wanted, but still got abuse. I tried being myself. Same result, but more extreme and threats. I tried discussing the problems with them-even more abuse and threats. I tried family therapy with them (my suggestion, and I had to organise it all). My dad kept missing sessions deliberately. My mum denied any history of anything unusual and blamed it all on me. My sister freaked out when I asked if she would attend. So basically they just repeated the same old patterns (im just realising that now!)...

I had a form of contact with my dad, but he just got more verbally abusive and manipulative than I'd ever seen him, so had to stop that late last year. I miss him sometimes. Part of me wants to try to meet for an hour once every two weeks or so, but most of me knows and suspects it will just cause me more unhappiness. I fear he'll have passed by the time I am ready to call him. I fear I'll never fogive myself and forever miss him and be unable to cope. But I guess, those are common fears such awful parenting creates in abused people like myself. 'A fear we are to blame/we are not good enough/we cant cope/we are wrong.' Why? Because thats all they ever taught me.

Day to day I suffer with anxiety, grieving about how much life and joy I have lost and a painful childhood (I only began grieving about a year ago). I also get a lot of depression there, and fears about how short life is and how much of it I'll ever have if I even manage to live a normal life.

This is very hard for me. I've never told anyone so much. There's a few other things and symptoms, but I guess those may come up as I journal.

I hope in doing this, I will be able to realise things as I type. I hope it will help me with catharsis. I hope others may sometimes see things that I haven't seen in what I write. And yes, I admit, I would love a little encouragement or empathy now and again, if that is ok.

I dont know how regularly I will journal here. Maybe daily but we'll see. Don't worry, the entries will be shorter than this. I just wanted to get most of it out there first so I could try to clear a path for daily feelings and things.

Thanks to whoever has made it this far in reading it-I post on the forum sometimes, so am familiar with some of you, but would like to get to know the community more.   

Fantastic to hear!

Im in a similar way. early forties, gutted that this is where I am at this age. Also recently realised my father was useless, borderline and absent, not just my mother-and as was said, I wake at nights feeling desolated by what I have lost and how alone I feel.

Its weird as I often feel a little better in the evening, yet wake in the night feeling worse than ever, and it leaves me confused as to how I feel overall and which are my true feelings.

been in therapy for 5 ish years. New to this forum, trying to be unafraid to open up for  change rather than fear what others will think of me or my situation.

anyway, just wanted to thank 12nice for the post, as it makes me feel less alone in knowing others out there are going through similar things. And its brave of you to write of them.

Hi am a new user who came cross this site recently (thankfully). I identified with the original post here on lonliness as am of similar age and situation. Am also currently working my way through the book mentioned, finding it of great value and help. Just wanted to say hello as Im not really even used to forums generally. Good luck to OP anyway and keep at it.