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well. I won my benefit appeal. as I knew I would. shame on those monsters for putting me through all that.

glad I dont have to jump through any more of their hoops for another couple years, but it doesnt make my situation better-just no worse.

so im a bit relieved, I guess. mostly just still deeply raw from yesterday though. Literally feel cant even look anyone in eye today feel so hurt.

did speak to a beggar earlier though, as I heard some corporate security staff discussing moving him and maybe calling the cops on him. So I told the beggar what I heard and to be careful. He thanked me. only later did it ocurr to me he WAS begging right beside cash machines, which IS a bit much...! oh well, I tried...

was trying to vent anger in healthy way yesterday and accidentally broke glass vase-unbelievable. total pain in the proverbial.

Im so fed up of living here. Between the air pollution warnings (four out of five days lately), my above alcoholic neighbour who bangs around at 4am, my other irritating neghbour with her fume belching sports car, and the foul smells from a cracked sewer pipe somewhere im trying to locate, the smells and air is 24hrs a day non stop unbearable. How are you supposed to relax and 'be' when you cant even breathe in your own home?

very painful emotional memories came back to me earlier. Was out somewhere different, tying to do something nice for myself. All of a sudden memories flashedback from being there as a kid, memories hadnt recalled since being a young child. Very very upsetting.

Also late had some total idiot literally stand in front of me while I was on my bike. I stupidly explained I had tried to steer a different path but there were other people so I'd gone to the side, where there was ample room - until this scum had deliberately walked head on towards my bike and then just stood there. "Well then", he said, "you should have got off your bike"....still standing inches from my handlebars refusing to move on a ten meter wide pathway...



I should have told him where to get off but of course I didnt.

I did say "this is a shared area and pedestrians do have right of way-but theres such a thing as being reasonable"

Anyway.

Sadly, those two things ruined the trip for me. Now I feel very restless, tired, and unable to eat despite kind of being hungry.

Im so tired of all these issues and problems.

I dont understand why its so hard to just find someone, like a counsellor/therapist/etc to talk to, who wont try to "fix" you, or sit there in silence, but can just be a bit human. Someone to just listen, be with you, in a safe, confidential, empathic way, so you can both just explore your feelings and, when you are ready,  your past too.

But instead theres always so much of an agenda from the other person. An attempt to interpret perhaps, or to try to point out what they think is something; and dont get me wrong, I totally agree those things are important-but in their own time and place.

But I really believe there is a high value in just the basic process of unburdening yourself with another, and sharing and exploring those emotions with someone who has experience of others' pain and hardship, who can be empathic.  I believe that this is a vital step towards healing the past, and that without it, for many, it can be too painful to 'skip' this step and go straight to having the other person giving you their spin on what you should or shoudln't be doing.

It seems The Samaritans do something a bit like this, but of course, if you want to speak to them more than once, you have to go through your whole back story EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. And obviously, they have a lower level of training, and its not face to face, so you lose a lot, and communication is harder.

All I want is a person to talk to in this way. Why is that SO hard to find? Its crazy.

I spoke to another potential therapist on the phone about a first session-but no, they 'dont do that' as they are 'person centred', and 'would want to focus on what THEY felt was important'.

'But', I said, 'I thought you said 'person centred' means the session is 'client led', so I would be able to talk about what I felt able to talk about?' 'And', I followed, 'you mentioned you would never try to 'fix' someone, because you take the belief that 'you arent the expert on a client, its the clients that are the expert on themselves'...?

'Well', she said, 'client led, and 'person centred' means the client picks the starting place. But then I take it from there and what *I* consider important, and what *I* consider needs focusing on and changing....'



It seems there's so much double talk and hypocritical gobbledygook. Trying to navigate it all in order to discover what you need feels impossible. And dont forget-I studied the thing myself and have some qualifications! But it seems so many people have just taken things and spun them into whatever they want them to mean. Thats about the third person centred therapist I've spoken to thats said the same things now. Client led sessions/person centred/no fixing people, versus the reality that THEY decide whats talked about/they try to point out things what needs changing (fixing?!)/and so on.

Client centred was developed as an alternative to the traditional psychodynamic approach of patients seen as needing changing, therapists being seen as the experts, and those power dynamics-yet it seems to me all they've done is change the terminology to some nicer sounding words, stuck a pretty new bow on top, and carried on as before!


I submitted a photo to my first competition today. Its very small and low level, but its the first time I've put forward one of my photos. Yes, I totally changed the subject, but I had to. I think I'd have cried if I'd not focused on something more positive instead.


I just genuinely dont get how there doesnt seem to be something out there of the kind I mention Im looking for. Am I missing something? Is there a whole profession dedicated to this that has somehow passed me by? In some secret version of the phone book perhaps? Im only sort of joking.... I really just dont get it.

Hope
I think you are aptly named. Thank you for your comments; no I really dont mind them-I welcome them. It means a lot to me. And it does make me feel a little less lonely to read. They bring some insight too. The 'Shiny' side of us is a great phrase. That's what it has always felt like. It pains me that my FOO and some others didnt want to accept the whole of me. Im not perfect, but I know I have good qualities. But some days thats not how I feel, and I wish they could love enough, (or be human enough) to accept that.

In a weird way Im sad to see your comments too-because it means you know how difficult things can be too, and have had pain yourself. I wish that weren't so.

Im moved by both your comments,. Im just so emotional lately. Or maybe I always was but shut it away because I was always shamed for it. Anyway, thank you, sincerely. If any of what I write means something to you personally too, then it means a lot to me. It really does.

As for today, my emotions just feel so raw right now that its shutting me off from doing things I need to like trying to socialise. Im always afraid people wont like me, so I perform and try  to be funny or clever. And its exhausting. I struggle to just be myself. I dont even know what that is anyway.

I cant honestly say I feel the analyst I tried last week brought me anything but pain; the realisations i had were, if anything, a defence mechanism against her negative and silent attitude towards my situation. She said a person "needs to have friends and support being embarking on analysis". She may be right, I dont know, but it made me feel totally stuck-how can I get friends when my social anxiety is an issue/how can I change my social anxiety through analysis when I am supposed to have friends to GET that analysis?

So I found myself, later on at home, defending myself in a way. And I have fears that what i'm doing is inadequate. Anyway, thats when the realisations about timescales came to me and helped me feel better for a while.

Im just trying a regular standard counsellor next week. I dont want to be 'examined' or interrogated about my past right now. I just want to have a more human conversation with someone who shows a bit of empathy, about what Im going through, in a private, safe, confidential place.

But, heck, I have to admit, I feel SO lonely right now. I guess I want to feel Im being myself, and be around others who accept me as that and still like or care for me.

But such a simple thing is so complicated. Due to social anxiety. Due to not knowing how to be myself or who I am yet. Due to issues of self worth. And so on. But to solve those things will take a lot.  I WISH I could skip those parts and get to the bit where I can just call friends and relax around them and have a laugh. Sadly, I know that the change, or the learning, IS the painful journey, and the mistakes that will have to be made to get me to that point. And I dread all the heartache, loneliness and pain that will entail.

1. My creative or artistic side.
2. My self caring side that is fairly new to me, but is growing.
3. My financial independence, after so long having it used to control me by the FOO
4. The moment, and my use of it-I havent yet mastered living in it, but I can sometimes, and it does help calm things for me
5. My ability to journal or post on this forum, and how it sometimes helps

Been a painful few days. Which sort of confuses me.

Therapist was a psychoanalyst, which may have been a mistake for me. She was just pretty much silent throughout,barely saying anything in reaction to what I said.

Not what I needed right then. I said the long silences were making me uncomfortable. No change.

Now the weird thing is that when I got back, I suddenly realized I had the timescale on some events over the past few years wrong.

As a result, I had been feeling I was failing and getting nowhere with change. The realisation possessed me, and I started figuring out on pen and paper how long it had been since my financial situation had eased, how long since I had had to cut off my dad, and so on.

It totally stunned me. Things I thought were four years ago happened one and a half years ago. My point is; I realised that a) I had achieved a lot given that it had only been a while since certain things happened, and I was not actually "failing" as I had feared.

...and b) I realised that no wonder I feel so raw, because it still had not been so long since having to make painful life changing decisions regarding my FOO and so on. Before that I had thought I was not processing or 'successfuly' grieving and instead getting hung up and stuck. But now I realised that it was normal to feel as I had since its all still so raw and not that long ago.

I felt great for a time-literally stunned too to realise some of these things.

Now, the downside to that....

I realised how painful I felt about my FOO. So for whatever reason, my heart feels broken regarding my dad lately. I dont know why. I hate it too, as I know how uncaring and unkind he always was to me. I feel like a dog who wants its owner even though that owner always mistreats them.-why do I hurt over someone who hurts me so much?

The other painful thing was I realised that it HAD been a long time since I was last in a serious relationship, or had seen her. That was the only thing that had been longer ago than I thought.  Thats a very weird one.

I miss her in some ways, but again, also hate the thought of how things actually were with her.

Heck-just realised. I guess its probably the pain from my dad that is making me want something that is independent, ie, the girl from my last serious relationship....

Anyway. The day after, I felt SO sensitive. There was a delivery guy who dropped off my grocery shopping to my front door, who clearly had autism or some kind of developmental disability, and was that kind of over cheerily friendly you sometimes see. I got talking with him a little, and he mentioned he used to work as a garbage man..."but had to quit because everyone there bullied me so much about my problems".

It absolutely broke my heart. I swear I nearly broke down in tears right there and then. Being bullied for his disability by everyone when he was just trying to live and better himself. But humiliated just because he looks and acts differently. Im shedding some tears even now. 

So as you can see. Im feeling very raw and tearful.

On the upside, I finally got my music software working again, so hopefully in time can get back to some music making. I had a really good song come to me the other day. Have to admit I hate the recording process though. Its so slow and tortuous. The best bit is the initial moment of inspiration when the idea first comes to you. You wish you could somehow magically get THAT onto tape. By the time its been actually done it never sounds as good as the original idea you had.

I had also hoped to create a small recording area in my home, as there is a large wardrobe I thought would do. I measured it all up yesterday, but was really quite gutted to find how much work it would be to soundproof it, how complicated, and how small the resulting area would be.

Im really quite gutted by that. I was excited by the thought of it. I always worry about the thought of my neighbours hearing me singing. I've done ok in bands before, toured, etc. But I want to try new things vocally. I want to push my voice and see what I can do, and that means making mistakes. My past as a child is full of being humiliated for how I am, so the thought of people hearing me make vocal mistakes is horrifying to me. I love singing well though. When I hear myself as I sing and know its something pretty good.

But as I say, I'd like to see what else I can do, try and see if I've a Dave Grohl growl inside of me! That means much more volume.

I just dont know that I can face the hassle of the recording area. But I also hate the thought of NOT having it to safely play with and experiment with. Even now the thought excites me.

Anyway-I feel tired, emotional, stuck, with many ambitions but no energy to do them. I'd like to call the Samaritans just to talk to someone (not suicidal or anything), but for some reason feel afraid to.

thanks for all the hugs everyone. Very much appreciated. 

yeah it took me the better part of a day unfortunately, but eventually I got over it.

Entry for monday;

crazy infuriating time at doctors when went to pick up prescription. too tiring to go into but despite me being crystal clear and asking them to double check and clarify, they STILL gave me the wrong brand of pills, then the wrong prescription, then claimed I wasnt due any medication (despite earlier handing it to me), then kept me on the phone for a half hour, then treated me like dirt and literally ignored me when I said I wanted to make an official complaint, then openly said to my face "its YOUR fault". All this also meant I had to walk a half hour in the rain, and had to abandon a trip round town because by the time they got things right everywhere had closed.

total douchebags. There was an older women there who was a bit more reasonable and said they were young trainees, but as I pointed out, a mistake is one thing, but to be rude about it, blame me, ignore me (oh, almost forgot-they openly laughed at me too when I complained) is utterly unacceptable. 

Just as well I dont suffer from social anxiety and fear humiliation... oh wait, I do....

Im glad I stood up for myself in public, something I would have felt more self conscious about before, but it did cost me and I am really stressed the next day sadly.

Just been having a panic attack. Fears may be dying-in this instance, fear its a heart attack.

Never had one. Am in okay-ish health physically, but a bunch of stress plus some weird pains in my chest and off we go with these fears....

I even recall that I get pains like this when I sleep in a bad position with arms tightly crossed. Which I do when Im stressed. I even recall it goes away when I sleep on my back for a time to give the muscles time to relax.

But here I am, knowing all that, yet with a fear still of "what if?". What if?"

I guess im just really tired after the recent events.

Hoping to head back to town today to do what couldnt yesterday. Trying out a therapist tomorrow

Very nervous about that. This time a psychoanalyst. So bit concerned she'll dig really deep but be really cold, relatively speaking.

I need to go slow after all I've been through, and with someone with empathy and tact. Ah, we'll see....

just off phone after trying to make initial inquiries with another 'therapist';

me; Hi, saw your listing on the web, just wondered if ok to ask a couple of things?

Her; "(huge sigh) I dont normally work on sundays, go on....."

Me; "er, ok(!)... could you tell me your qualifications?"

Her;"Well theyre on the site".

....Long silence as I wit for her to say more....

Me; "Erm, they arent unfortunately, thats why Im asking...?"

Her;"well its on the site".

me; (wondering why she doesnt just say them), er, Im looking at the page in front of me and using search tools but it doesnt say anything unfortunately, Im quite sure of that..."

her; "(long pause)....fine, Ive got a diploma in therapy..."

Me; (waiting for her to list more)...

Her;  (silence)...

Me "er, okay.... ...could you tell me your age, roughly, as i would prefer to work with someone older than myself?"

Her; ....(Long silence)... "I think you can tell from the picture"

Me; "Sorry, Im not good at that sort of thing-perhaps you could just say what decade of age you are in instead?"

Her; "How old are YOU.......?"


...and so on for a few more minutes until I tell her I'll think about it. Why didn't I just say I find this a really peculiar and inappropriate manner for someone who claims to be offering to help people? And why are there so many useless people out there being allowed to practice who come across like they need help themselves? Whats the point in all these stupid regulatory bodies when nobody does actual regulating???

GRRRRR!!! 

God Im finding all this so depressing and defeating.

The hugs are appreciated. Im sorry to hear youre going through such things too. But I do feel relieved to not be alone and have the resources and kindness of this forum.



Entry for Saturday
Yesterday I eventually called the Samaritans again, though I was confused about my feelings. Sounded like a relatively young woman, which kind of made me uncomfortable as I prefer talking to an older woman for some reason.

But the time flew by, and she was quite insightful, very caring and sensitive, and we even had a bit of a laugh later on.
I felt a lot better for it. I felt some relief and also realised a lot of things later on.

For one, I realised how hard this search for a therapist is for me-that its really upset me, with all the pitfalls, raised hopes and bad experiences I've had, and how draining it is, then having to start all over again and search profiles, check their qualifications, find a picture to see how you feel, call them, and so on and so on, only for them to suddenly not return your calls, or pull out, or say they are busy until next year, or they charge £100 per session, or offer sessions at your home but their qualifications arent as they claimed (warning sign!-and yet I've actually seen that) and so on.

I feel I need something with less high stakes for a bit. To stop looking for someone who I hope will be someone I can work with long term and able to work with deep level things, as the search is just too exhausting right now.

So I think maybe for a few weeks Im gonna just try to find a basic counsellor who I can have a conversation with, who is reasonably empathetic, and who I know I wont need to go into the deepest stuff with, but can just vent or tell of my pain or struggling too.

Hopefully THAT wont be so hard to find at a price level I can afford. At least then hopefully that may give me a little support for a time and give me enough room to get some strength back.


Possible trigger warning------

On the flipside of things, however, yesterday, perhaps due to the realisations of many things, I had another memory return to me regarding inappropriate sexual boundaries. I wont go into it, I dont want to right now-but it is very confusing and difficult for me.

Of course the memory isnt clear cut, typically-but its at least an instance of something that is troubling to me, with confusing emotions, and the knowledge that I was just a very young child and couldnt have been expected to know any better or different.

At worst, it is a clear cut smoking gun regarding sexual abuse.

I feel like the memory has more to come yet-and that scares me. Not to mention other potential memories that may pop up.

But its too early to say emotionally how I feel right now. Ive always had a part of me that would love to have a smoking gun clear cut piece of knowledge, because it would validate everything I have felt and somehow known for so long. On the other hand, obviously I dont want to have had those experiences. I hope that it is more simply just that boundaries were innapropriate due to terrible parenting.

Anyway;

Overall, Im a bit wary and fearful, because of the returning memories, and that does make me want a long term highly skilled therapist of some kind as a safety net to help me now, to make sense of all this, to get all such memories out, and start to move on.

But much as I wish that could be so, I guess the reality right now is I am too tired for that. So hopefully the short term plan I have is what I need and will give me some energy and soothing. I suddenly feel really tired as I type.

Well.

Oversleeping always depresses me. Guess its cos my parents always were really angry and harsh on me when I did.
My sleep is bad enough at the moment, but I had hoped to make it to a kind of support group today, But just could not make it up in time, then ended up waking at 2.30pm. Havent even had breakfast yet and its 3.30pm now.

I feel awful. Another reply from another therapist saying they have no places available. Another reply from that idiot on Facebook being patronising about my name. Another day where the local news source admits pollutions levels will be high for the next few days. And all people will be talking about is how 'strangely warm' and 'unusually coloured' the sky is, without making the connection.

Another day where I feel a desperate need to get help in place, but feel incapacitated and utterly depressed by not having help in place. Among other things.

As a side note, had a weird thing today where it turns out I could have met one of my favourite people (I'll loosely call them a celebrity). They were and are, despite having died ages ago, still considered one of the most inventive and famous in their field. On the edge of being a household name, and someone all the others still want to be.

Apparently this person should have been backstage in a venue where I was myself, but circumstances strangely meant they were absent. It was in the news the other day about this (thats how famous they were). So weird to think. Maybe for the best regarding that thing of never meeting your heroes.

I hate feeling inertia. I hate feeling stuck and like im not getting anywhere. Its weird because I know I am in so many other ways. But theres ways that are vital to healthy life, and things just dont want to seem to shift-its crazy. I just dont know why its so hard to find a qualified therapist. And I just wish I didnt feel the need for one so strongly, cos Im stuck at the moment.

I really hope theres fewer days like today soon. Seems my whole life has been made up of days like these. Maybe one good moment or day for every hundred. Im not crazy for wanting that ratio to change a little am I? Even ten to one would be loads better. And all the while I get those painful urges to want to run to my FOO, but all the while know it would be a disaster.

Dream almost every night of being in a sick, toxic environment with monstrous people that turns out to be my first home when I was a kid, where I was raised. Guess that says something.

Had horrible dream about someone who I once considered a friend who also popped up and started taking the p*ss out of me.

Another about a person trying to infect me  with their serious illness.

Horrible. No wonder I hate the thought of going to bed

Thanks. Its interesting to hear your experiences too; offers me some hope as I am very much unsettled by these overwhelming feelings.

As for today;

I feel a bit stunned at the moment.

last week, I wrote about the therapist I tried, and how I felt overwhelmed after. I was totally incapacitated soon after by exhaustion in a way I hadnt been for a very long time. Ended up lying on my bedroom floor half asleep for hours in the afternoon. Felt almost deliriious.

As I wrote, I think i had pushed myself too hard, and was unexpectedly caught by other things when I left the therapist.

So; this week, after a lot of deliberating, I find myself desperately wanting to talk to someone familiar, and thinking she might be someone I could work with long term.  I had booked another therapist to try, but just didnt feel up to another new person and again having to go through my painful story all over again

So I called the therapist from last week to try to see them on short notice this week.

Only to find that she's had a bereavement and cant see me anymore as a result.



Why do things like this seem to keep happening? I find something or someone then just as I do, the thing vanishes.

Its literally just happened to I havent had a chance to process it yet-just feel stunned at the moment. 

I feel so strange today. And the end of yesterday too. I walked down to the sea while listening to some music, Took some pictures. The music was overwhelming. A happy song made me feel on top of the world, a sad one and I wanted to cry.

I saw a film late in the evening, a really unexpectedly good one, but there was one scene that had me crying heavily, where a father reunited with his son. Just the obvious simple pleasure the father took in engaging with his son and talking with him, listening, being interested and so on. And the pain and jealousy I felt that i never had and never would have that from my own father just killed me.

Today I woke feeling too exhausted to get back on the horse regarding trying to find a therapist. The same catch 22 of feeling I need that weekly bedrock to help me through, but feeling too tired to deal with the disappointment and pain of finding them right now, wishing I had the energy and support to do it...which I feel I would get from having a therapist sorted...!

This past hour or so I just felt overwhelmed in a different way-some strange weird feeling I cant describe, like a total rush, but in an overpowering way. Like a firework burning bright inside me-Im confused by it. I've had it before.

Its a total restless thing. Like your ego has been inflated to the size of a giant. Yet at the same time I know it isnt real or a reflection of reality. Its so weird. I know its a feeling Ive tried to chase sometimes. Its sometimes led to frustration and disappointment. It brings with it a desperate need to 'do something important', whatever that means. Before it burns itself out. But nothing feels enough.  Its not enough to do some chores for instance, as that feels like it would be a waste. Its a weird yearning to do something important and unique, something memorable. Now on a wet monday with everything shut for the day, this is not very practical!

The best analogy I can think of is when you're playing a game and you get a power up. You dont want to just sit there on the screen while the timer on the power up runs down, and you then lose the power. You quickly feel pressured to do something and progress further.

Except that I'll have to deal with the consequences after, so i cant just do more things like arranging therapists, because when it comes to it, the feeling will have gone.

Its so peculiar.

Anyway.

Im a bit worried regarding all these emotional leaps lately. I hope its just because Im getting back in touch with emotions after so long being numb, and now, during this difficult time, they just all feel so raw and new and overpowering. But I fear its an alternative possibility; that its actually a sign of things spiraling badly, with emotions just rapidly changing as a sign of things being in a bad way.

Maybe not. I mean there have been good signs in other places, but I dont know.

(I'll reply to the other posts as soon as I feel ready-but I felt the need to capture whats going on with me today first, and separately)

Sleep still rubbish. Drifting off about 5.30am, despite sleeping pill. Bad dreams. Woke five hrs later. Got one hr more about 12pm.

Couldnt get going until only about an hour ago. On a social media site I had joined in with others I know regarding a personal thing about identity, and posted my own, since some had made mistakes with it. (this probably isnt how it sounds, but I dont want to give away my identity in case anyone I know may be snooping about).

It wasnt a very revealing thing, but was something I used to get teased about by a couple of people when I was younger. Would you believe it, the same idiot who used to tease me about it, who I had sort of been in touch with for a bit, posted exactly the same sort of idiotic teasing stuff they used too?? I thought they had changed; they still seemed the same in a kind of harmless and stupid way, but apparently not......

It made me so angry! Especially in the context of the original post-for me, it was a first, to boldly post that, despite fear of people teasing. Precisely BECAUSE people like that moron used to tease! So now I FINALLY bravely stood up and posted about it, after a lot of fear yesterday, and what happens? One of the idiots who used to embarrass me tries to do the same thing again!



It was also hard because Im scared of showing my emotions in public, even online (which is why this site is a big step for me-even though it is safe). I wanted to tell the person to f**k right off! But was afraid to be seen upset or vulnerable about the issue.

It may not have been healthy, but I got in a humorous dig back at them. Im bothered by what others think. Im so angry at being embarrassed and humiliated as a kid.

Fricking idiot. I happen to be of the opinion that, given what they had told me previously about their life, that person is stuck in a loveless marriage and not happy with their lot in life. Theyre always boasting on social media about how wealthy they are.  I've seen how they treat their kids too and its horrible to me. I would hate to have that person as my parent. Always felt bad for their kids.

I dont like sounding bitter but maybe I need to just see it as human of myself given the situation. I HATE showing that something bothers me publicly. The only people I ever knew treated such behavior as a chance to push harder. Sadly, I dont yet know anyone on that social media site enough to trust they might be different yet.

I was just thinking yesterday how some people are still the same bullies and idiots they were back in school. Except now they inflict their hate on a bigger scale. And to their own families too. Ugh, isnt it horrible sometimes?!